THESE R THE REAL GIRLS' GAMES @probably-penelope - Tumblr Blog

Lil intro thing,

This is my vent blog so if ur into constant misery im ur guy !

My name is Penelope and I am very mentally ill to the point of physical illness & im neurotic as fuck all of the time. Have fun reading what is basically my online diary <3

#vent blog #mental illness #warnings

I've always been pretty open about my deadname. Not rly by choice, but because it refuses to die. It's still everywhere I look. In everything I hear. It makes me flinch sometimes when I hear it or see it in a book. But it's also what I'm called by every day. It is still a part of me, no matter how hard I try to rip it out.

#I do not have many luxuries in my transition.#I do not have my own name. I do not have the things I need to feel real gender euphoria. I do not even get my pronouns most days.#my transness is suffocating here.#I'm not. me. here #I could fight for it #but they would resent me for it. and they already resent me so much on the bad days.#I cannot give them another reason to be transphobic #and so. I cannot be trans to them besides in spirit #they out me to people. yet they do not treat me like a trans person

I just keep coming back to the fact that I would let him kill me. Like I sat on that screen for a few minutes and it felt like everything I had ever wanted. Someone offering to kill me in a romantically charged way, was everything I wanted. An opportunity to die in the arms of someone who understood. It's all I need

I'm gonna lose my shit this is the worst I hate it here

maladapt3d

What doesn't kill you leaves you bleeding for the rest of your life wishing it did

How to love ur best friend when she's a way better person than u and therefore a total loser?

#she doesn't hang out with anyone problematic.doesnt watch or listen to anyone problematic. doesn't like being around intoxicated ppl.#she's friendly and sociable and extroverted and positive and funny and she has everything I want #I hate her. I love her so much and I hate her #I don't know what to do about that.#bcs at least with one friend she's like “ya I'll prob try weed n stuff at some point in life. idrc tho”#she's going with the flow and I enjoy that energy #but then the other is so uptight that no matter how much fun she is it always worries me somehow. like I'm too much for her #idk #this is such bullshit #I'm so stupid #sorry #I should just shut up

How can I do anything knowing that I don't exist as anything more than a MYTH to people? That I can't ever be loved or even seen as I am? That I am not and never will be, ANYTHING?

#how do I go on

I did get sick. On my bed. And then had a breakdown about it while I tried to clean up. Probably didn't do it right and mom will yell at me tmrw.

I just want it all to be over.

It's all been nothing for so long

Where would I even start?

I don't know how to claw my way out of this pit I dug

I need help but nobody will help me

I don't what to do

I'm so scared

Ggod I'm gonna make myself sick again

Maybe this is just what I deserve

I know it won't ever get better

I'll never know what it's like to be held or loved or cared for

It's not for me

At least if I'm a statistic my life would have meant something. It doesn't now

I know I know I know it doesn't matter but some stupid little part of me wants to believe that if I cry loud enough someone will come to comfort me

OUR LIFE WAS OVER BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED

I wish anything was easier for me

Just anything

I just don't wanna be alone anymore

Help me

Someone just talk to me

Just make me feel anything other than this

This same way I've felt for as long as I can remember

It's all so

Gone

Like there's nothing left of me

Just help me

Please

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THESE R THE REAL GIRLS' GAMES