@probablybadwriting - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I’m wasting away, aren’t I? the second I speak it into existence I know that it’s true. I am wasting away and I have nothing left to offer myself but apathy and broken promises. I look through my photos of a happy child, so vibrant, so curious, so hopelessly hopeful and I wonder how I so easily let her down. What would she think of the statue i’ve become, the walls built so high no one can break through while I break behind them and suffocate, slowly, as I waste away. How pitiful would it be for her to gaze at the glazed eyes that offer nothing but the sight of someone who would rather be anywhere else but here, anything other than myself, anything other than wasting away. No matter what I do she will always be suppressed, she will always be a distant memory, because no pain is greater than knowing i’ve let her down, knowing I couldn't be who she wanted me to be, knowing that her heart would be shattered even further than it would already be. I can only ask for forgiveness and hope that she looks away as my mind continues to disintegrate and I no longer suffer from the torment of wasting away.

I’m so sorry I couldnt save us // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from the book i'll never write #writing #spilled ink #bad poetry

I wont remember the color of your shirt, whether it’s solid, striped or full of designs. I wont remember the shoes you wore or the places we went, how the birds sang in the garden and the flowers waved in the breeze. You can say i’m not observant, I can think those things obsolete, but i’ll never forget the warmth of your hand as it clasped mine tightly or the way your hair shined in the sun. The way your smile was always plastered on your face, the curve of it, the softness of your lips, and the freckled galaxy around your nose. Your bushy eyebrows accompanied by golden eyes that made me melt like honey and the delicate lines born of years of confusion and frustration right above them. I’ll never forget the marks on your face that were beautifully painted strokes, leaving the corners of your lips every time you were happy and the scar that youve had since you were a child. I’ll remember your laugh, how it always sounded so full, and the way it felt when you held me close and the world faded away. The times, the places, may someday be distant memories like a dream I can never quite place, but the work of art that you have always been will forever be fresh in my memory.

memories may fade but my love for you never will // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #writing #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from the book i'll never write #spilled ink #thoughts #poetry

my mind is in space, my body on ground, my heart stuck with you and my soul to be found. i’m losing my place, my feet no longer bound, hoping to join my head up in the clouds. but my heart sticks with you, no matter how lost the rest of me is, despite all the costs. my soul is a drifter, a wonderer too, I only hope she can come back to you. now the rest of me slowly sinks into the void, and I start to come back upon hearing your voice. but sometimes I fear my head is too far gone, my soul is astray, my body doesn’t belong. so I write this for you, who brought me back to Earth, to remind you how much you seem to be worth. someday you can’t save me, someday I wont come back, but remember how you saved me before I faded to black

for now we look at the stars, but soon I will become them // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #writing #spilled ink #excerpt from the book i'll never write #excerpts from a book i'll never write

i find solace in the inevitability of death. for me, you, the earth and the stars, we are nothing but obstacles floating in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. in this life we see the stars, in the next we become them.

what is living really // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #excerpts from a story i'll never write #spilled ink

My heart sinks more with every word, feeling heavier with each breath we take. When we’re apart i remember how your mind was on her, wondering if this chance given is a mistake. i gave you everything, everything i have and am, and yet that wasnt enough. i still give you everything, i gave a second chance, am i enough now? Can i be enough now?

is it you or is it me? // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #excerpt from the book i'll never write

The difference between you and I is that I am always thinking about you while you need to be reminded to think about me

The only thing true about our love is that it’s one sided // AG

#excerpt from the book i'll never write #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write

user-boxer

This user is a writer but never writes

My life was never about me, it was always about you. Yet here I am, look where I stand, I’ve broken loose, untied the noose and for the first time I can breathe. I was young and you were wrong, holding my head underwater when I’d try to run. It was always about you. Suddenly I feel like I can finally see and so I’ll push you as far away from me as can be. And as I take a step back, I’ll tie this noose around my past, all my strength regaining fast. At last, I am finally free

For once my life is all about me // AG

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from the book i'll never write

If you thought you could keep him down you thought wrong, he was always ready for a challenge. As you hold him underwater and expect him to drown he grows gills in order to stay alive. He has always found a way. And when you built a wall around him he would tear it down as you watched, brick by brick, without fail. He could move mountains, he could part seas, he was nothing short of heavenly and yet that will always be unbeknownst to you. You have built these walls since before he could crawl and drowned him everyday before he could talk. His potential forever unmet and not through inadequacy but rather deprivation of love, acceptance and inspiration in a nation with no role models for him. They did not care about him. But I do. As he continues to break down the walls you have built we will rebuild them around all ignorance and abuse, in an attempt to get away from you. And when he learns how to live oh god will he feel alive for the first time with you no longer suffocating his mind, consuming every thought, ruining him every time. So when he moves those mountains, once he parts those seas, no credit will be given to you, to me, to anybody but himself. All this time you made sure he was dormant but he’s finally breaking free. If you thought you could keep him down you thought wrong.

He is the wind, earth and sea but that you would never believe // A.G

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write #writing

Forever couldn’t possibly be enough for me. No, I wanted to be with him for longer than forever could ever allow. Until the end of mankind, until the end of this very earth, far beyond time and space, through the next big bang. Forever couldn’t possibly offer what I want because all I want is him, for as long as the universe ends and exists, continuously, time and time again. And in all that time the one thing that will remain, the sole thing that will exist without end, will be my love for him.

My love for you shall outlast forever // A.G

#excerpts from the book i'll never write #excerpt from a book i'll never write

You don’t need me like I need you, and that was one of the most terrifying things to admit to myself. You don’t need me like I need you and once I spoke those words I knew it was true, I could never be half as much to you as you are to me. I need you like water, I need you like air, I inhale your scent like oxygen and losing you is a thought I never could bear. But that’s where we’re headed isn’t it? I need you for everything, and that’s my fault for believing that there was a chance at forever, believing that everything would be okay. I deconstruct the person I am and find traces of you everywhere, I see the person I may have been and I see the person who didn’t care. You see, by loving you I completely lost me but you kept yourself, piece by piece, because you didn’t need me like I needed you.

why didn’t you need me too // A.G

#7.24.17 #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write

I want to scrub off my skin ‘til I’m nothing but bones Every layer that is shed is another way I feel alone

If you tell me I’m worthless who am I to say no // A.G

#7.3.17 #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpts from the book i'll never write

21:27

When I was a kid and you were never around I figured it was okay because I never knew any better, but that wasn't love was it? And the times where I accidentally called my aunts mom instead of you I never thought twice about it, but that wasn't love was it? Or even the times when we would get in trouble while you were at work and the first thing you did when you got home was hit us, and not just any hit but with our pants down and the belt wet, making sure it would sting and leave a mark so we wouldn't forget. That wasn't love was it? The time that I was eight and we lived in that small, old apartment that lacked air conditioning in one of the hottest summers I've yet to experience and your ex-girlfriend locking us in the room, only allowing us to use the bathroom and drink water and we told you every day when you came home and no matter what you believed her, that wasn't love was it? Should I bring up the time that that same woman poured a half empty can of soda on my head because I was nine and afraid and to this day you claim it never happened. That wasn't love was it? When I was 12 and had to tell you that I was self-harming, that I seemed to feel differently than all the other kids but I didn't know why, you stopped talking to me altogether. That wasn't love was it? When I was 14 and my grades started slipping because I couldn't balance the pressure of home life and school life all you said was that I was lazy and at that rate not going to amount to anything, that wasn't love was it? There was the time that I was 16 and on coming out day I wore a pansexual sticker, I thought I was filled with pride and you took it, ripped it, looked up the definition and laughed in my face. You told me that I "just always want to be something". That wasn't love, was it? How about the time that I was 17 and told you that I was depressed, that I had been suicidal since I was 13 and nothing about that was normal? You told me I had no real problems and that I'm not the only person who's ever thought of killing themselves. That wasn't love was it? I was 18 and you accused me of ruining your relationship, you said the way that I act is disgusting and you told me all I do is cause problems. That wasn't love, was it? When I spent the majority of my teenage years battling internally, begging to be normal because how could I love a mother who constantly ignored me and called me a problem but how could I hate a mother that always managed to make sure I had the bare necessities I required and sometimes a little more, that wasn't love, was it? And when he holds me tight and tells me that everything will be okay, that I need to hold on a little longer, that's love isn't it? When he calls me to ensure that I'm okay, does whatever he can to help and promises me he'll be with me through it all, that's love isn't it? And one day when I'm far, far away from here, when I no longer know this house as home and have a couple kids of my own I vow to keep them far, far away from you and shelter them from your constant abuse. That'll be love, won't it?

#05.05.17

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs