Gotta problem, Dollface?

Your name is PROBLEM SLEUTH, and you're the finest sleuth this side of Midnight City. You've taken down Kingpin, saved the universe, and nearly died trying it. Your real name is a MYSTERY, and that's just how you like it. Your favorite things include CANDY CORN, and STICKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG. Which makes sense considering your occupation. What do you do? >PS: BE HARDBOILED

[nefariousbelladonna]

problem--sleuth started following you

[problem--sleuth]

Moirail. That’s troll stuff, right? That means you’re the one that keeps the guy from goin’ too far, huh? Interestin’. Listen, dollface, I wonder if you could do a guy a favor an’ maybe set up a meetin’ between me an’ this other me?

Kinda curious to see this other me in action. ‘Sides, if I’m gonna be wanderin’ in an’ outta town, I might as well get to know the folks here, right?

[nefariousbelladonna]

Mhm. That’s correct. 

Hmm. How about this. 

Stop calling me “sweetheart” and “dollface”, and I’ll see if I can’t get you a discussion with Scofflaw. 

[problem--sleuth]

You got yourself a deal, NB. Won't call ya anythin' but your name or NB from now on. Or jus' your name if you'd rather that, it's just it's kinda a mouthful. No offense meant - my name's not exactly "roll off the tongue" either.

[problem--sleuth]

Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice, an’ you’re an A class act, ya know that? Askin’ ‘bout my race like that.

Just kiddin’.

I’m a human thing, probably one of six in this whole damn place. What about you? You a carapace thing or a human thing, eh, Slick?

[nefariouscryptic]

oh that ain’t what i meant to act like or whatever. i’m just saying. people are weird shit nowadays y’know??

oh. well. whatever. still.

human. or used to be human. shadow magic happened and blah, blah. that sort of thing.

my name is jay, by the way. don’t go by slick no more.

[problem--sleuth]

Jay? Kinda a weird name to hear associated with your mug. Sorry if I slip up now an' then. Ain't too good with name changes, ya know. But, whatever ya say. You still in the mob business an' just get sick of the good old name, or you gotta clean slate now?

[problem--sleuth]

dont fuck droog. he aint worth your time

Do my eyes deceive me, or is this another version of me tellin’ me not to do somethin’ stupid? Are you my conscience given physical form? Because last time I checked, I was pretendin’ ya didn’t exist. 

Besides, I ain’t doin’ a tango with anyone if I can’t get Columbo started.

Side note to that side note, if I do this, lord knows Droog’ll hafta do somethin’ for me, an’ this might just save my hide if I get in a mix with the Crew again. Almost didn’t get outta the last one. Thought that ain’t exactly a noble reason to do this. Frick. Now I’m back to the moral bind again.

[diplomxcy]

what an incredible streak a luck, im tellin ya that droog aint actually a dame, either. hes got some M!A-sy shit goin down, n he’s a complete cockslut especially when he’s normal. aint exactly in the knows of how many people hes done over, but its probab;y more people than i know an thats sayin somethin, bud. i know quiiiiite a few people not like im countin his fuckbuddies though, that aint my job. cant really say much bout your car, though. walkin is more common to me n my cars in fairly good shape hes got this weirdass neediness thats unusual for droogsy types though. dunno what his deal is. nor do i care, mosta the affairs end up with someones legs spread over the counter, im sure for your keys, look under the couch. usually where i find mine. if not, check the fridge.

[problem--sleuth]

I'd say I'd like to see it with my own eyes before believin' ya, but considerin' ya are my own eyes in some weird alternate reality kinda way, I really can't say that. All I can do is believe ya because, hell, why would I lie to myself? Kinda weird for a Droog to be like that. I always thought he was a classy sonofabitch, the kinda guy that dames or birds or both long for but can never get close to.

Wonder what the guy's story is, but at the same time, it ain't my job to nose around in other people's garbage unless there's cash on the line.

But it seems like you're a luckier version of me, huh? Workin' car an' all that. Bet you even have an office that doesn't smell like paint stripper, and fancy steak dinners in somethin' other than your imagination. Been here for a short time - not enough time to really set up a solid name for myself yet, so who knows. Maybe I'll reach that point too.

...

Also, thanks for the thing 'bout the keys. I found 'um in the freezer nestled in the frozen peas.

[fureni-blog-blog]

This is for paranormal-noire who wanted my rendition of the PS crew! Thanks for getting me to read it, it was an enjoyable and crazy experience HAHAH;;; I HOPE YOU LIKE IT also thanks for keeping me company in my askbox /smooches

I switched to a slightly different style because mango cannot capture the beauty of Ace Dick’s face ok

[xervexagon-deactivated20190607]

Reblogging this just because. look at this work of art, people. LOOK AT IT.

[problem--sleuth]

((i almost miss my old paranormal-noire url))

[problem--sleuth]

"Perhaps you should educate yourself on a concept before meh meh meh…"

Well then what do you think it means, wise guy?

[ultraviolentdiamonds]

If someone is hard-boiled it means that they encounter or have encountered so much violence on a daily basis as to become cynical to their own emotions.

[problem--sleuth]

Sounds like me to me, pal. If ya don't think so, then a version of you doesn't pay enough attention to the end of his cuestick an' where it's connecting, an' same goes for a version of Slick an' his knives. 

[connivingknife-blog]

problem--sleuth started following you

 this is not a “welcome any problem sleuth” house this is a “fuck off ps” club

[problem--sleuth]

Wow, I just have to show up an' ya get annoyed. This is a weird kinda power I didn't know I had, an' I'm not sure if I like it. 

[problem--sleuth]

Well, I’m definitely old enough, that’s for sure. 

And that’s real kind of you, keeping this thing virus free. Alright, alright. I’m curious now. What kinda entertainment you got here, pal? 

[princelypuppeteer]

The kind that’s soft and luxurious. Could say it’s plush.

[problem--sleuth]

The Felt? They aren't entertaining. Well, they kind of are in a "look at that train-wreck" kind of way, but I see that on a daily basis.

[toonysart]

sleuthy doodles

[problem--sleuth]

dont fuck droog. he aint worth your time

Do my eyes deceive me, or is this another version of me tellin’ me not to do somethin’ stupid? Are you my conscience given physical form? Because last time I checked, I was pretendin’ ya didn’t exist. 

Besides, I ain’t doin’ a tango with anyone if I can’t get Columbo started.

Side note to that side note, if I do this, lord knows Droog’ll hafta do somethin’ for me, an’ this might just save my hide if I get in a mix with the Crew again. Almost didn’t get outta the last one. Thought that ain’t exactly a noble reason to do this. Frick. Now I’m back to the moral bind again.

[diplomxcy]

sigh

whatever, do yer thing i guess lets just say that he aint the best droog ive ever met, though one moment he was shovin his tongue down my throat n the next he was offended cause i smacked him with the butt of my key (he didnt ask t’ kiss me it was just outta nowhere

he doesnt really have a crew 'm actually not sure what he does sides sleep around at least idk take my advice with a grain a salt

n maybe stop pretending your consciousness doesnt exist itll getchya outta some fixes

ya get my drift?

fuck, i think i might be older than you

[problem--sleuth]

Damn, an' here I thought I talked a lot.

But, huh. Weird. I'll take your advice, pal. Partially 'cause I dunno the first thing 'bout this kinda situation (dames throwin' themselves at me ain't exactly commonplace for me), partially 'cause I can't get my dang car goin', an' partially 'cause I can't find my keys again.

While I contemplate my life choices over a bottle of liquid imagination, tell me more 'bout this Droog an' the skinny on the local crew. I'm used to time and alternate reality shenanigans, so don't hold back on me, pal. I got all night, a full bottle of bourbon, an' a dame--Droog--to call back with the news that I can't come over because my damn car's bit the dust for the fifth time this month.

[problem--sleuth]

What?

I don’t even really know what this dingus is. What kind of “entertaining things” are you talking about? It isn’t the illegal kind is it? Got a virus on this thing last time I stumbled into something supposedly “entertaining.”

[princelypuppeteer]

Only illegal if you aren’t old enough, just have to make sure you’re over 18 and no court could have an issue.

I keep the site virus free, it’s part of my income.

[problem--sleuth]

Well, I'm definitely old enough, that's for sure. 

And that's real kind of you, keeping this thing virus free. Alright, alright. I'm curious now. What kinda entertainment you got here, pal? 

[problem--sleuth]

Sorry. Been a rough week tryin’ to get into my office after Madame Murel came in an’ finally got rid of that mural of ethnic diversity. Smelled like stripper an’ I couldn’t even open the window. No air current comes with Etch-an-Sketch technology, ya know that?

Point is, I ended up movin’ to a new office an’ that was a pain, so sorry for bein’ short with ya. 

[nefariouscryptic]

well shit that sounds unpleasant as fuck. buy lotsa febreeze, and lots of car freshener things, aye? stick ‘em everywhere. or just clean what you can with bleach and then be satisfied.

but it’s fine i’m not offended, hah.

also, are you a carapace thing? or are you… a human thing? what are you

[problem--sleuth]

Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks for the advice, an' you're an A class act, ya know that? Askin' 'bout my race like that.

Just kiddin'.

I'm a human thing, probably one of six in this whole damn place. What about you? You a carapace thing or a human thing, eh, Slick?

[nefariousbelladonna]

problem--sleuth started following you

[problem--sleuth]

Yeah, tell me about it. Morals are the worst. But, hey, if ya wanna keep outta jail, gotta have ‘um. 

So, tell me a bit ‘about these alternates, dollface? I heard from a little bird that even I got one. What’s the guy like?

[nefariousbelladonna]

Mmmhm, sure, let’s go with that! 

Hm, well… His name’s Peccant Scofflaw. and he’s the leader of the Twilight Scoundrels. He’s quite charismatic, naturally, very clever, and admirably ruthless. He has a good head on his shoulders. 

…Perhaps take that assessment with a grain of salt. I am, after all, his moirail. 

[problem--sleuth]

Moirail. That's troll stuff, right? That means you're the one that keeps the guy from goin' too far, huh? Interestin'. Listen, dollface, I wonder if you could do a guy a favor an' maybe set up a meetin' between me an' this other me?

Kinda curious to see this other me in action. 'Sides, if I'm gonna be wanderin' in an' outta town, I might as well get to know the folks here, right?

[problem--sleuth]

dont fuck droog. he aint worth your time

Do my eyes deceive me, or is this another version of me tellin' me not to do somethin' stupid? Are you my conscience given physical form? Because last time I checked, I was pretendin' ya didn't exist. 

Besides, I ain't doin' a tango with anyone if I can't get Columbo started.

Side note to that side note, if I do this, lord knows Droog'll hafta do somethin' for me, an' this might just save my hide if I get in a mix with the Crew again. Almost didn't get outta the last one. Thought that ain't exactly a noble reason to do this. Frick. Now I'm back to the moral bind again.

[nefariouscryptic]

but enough talk! have at you!

but really you’re the dicky-est sleuth i’ve met so far, hi.

[problem--sleuth]

Sorry. Been a rough week tryin' to get into my office after Madame Murel came in an' finally got rid of that mural of ethnic diversity. Smelled like stripper an' I couldn't even open the window. No air current comes with Etch-an-Sketch technology, ya know that?

Point is, I ended up movin' to a new office an' that was a pain, so sorry for bein' short with ya. 

[saxophonesandcuesticks]

Hey, it’s not a problem. At this point in time I give absolutely no fucks about what you call me.

[problem--sleuth]

Well, I guess that’s a good thing. Wouldn’t wanna get a cuestick to the ribs for callin’ you that.

[saxophonesandcuesticks]

[address~] that’s my place. I’m on the top floor.

[problem--sleuth]

Alright. Be there in a jiffy, toots. Droog. 

Frick.

[saxophonesandcuesticks]

Hey, it's not a problem. At this point in time I give absolutely no fucks about what you call me.

[problem--sleuth]

Well, I guess that's a good thing. Wouldn't wanna get a cuestick to the ribs for callin' you that.

[saxophonesandcuesticks]

Pregnancy won't happen with the M!A since I'm usually a man. But in any case I'm clean. So you have nothing to worry about on your end. And yeah, with what I look like now, and pheromones coming off of me in waves, I'd be jumped in no time.

[problem--sleuth]

Ah...right. yeah. Good point. I only got six bullets an' my steel trap Columbo outside, so I doubt even I could take on the city. Alright. Uh. Lemme order that pizza, then we can talk business, 'kay, sweetheart? Droog. Frick. I ain't ever gonna get this right until you're back to normal.