Am I really going to throw it all away because I wanted to look like a better person?
I have a reputation as a liar and that sucks. Even small things, little white lies are a problem for me. Although I don’t do it very often anymore, because of the past when it does happen it’s devastating.
I was a compulsive liar as a kid. A bad one at that, I can’t keep a straight face when I lie. I don’t do it to hurt anyone. Never did. But lies hurt. No matter what they are. And I fail to realize this when a situation occurs when I have the opportunity to choose between a lie and a truth.
A lot of that comes from feeling like I’m better than everyone. It isn’t an active thought. I don’t really feel like that. But I have a complex where I feel like I can look like a great person even if I have to lie to get to that. The thing is, it paints you as a bad person. It paints you as someone who doesn’t care about others as long as you look good.
So am I really going to throw everything I have away just so I can seem like a good person. Am I really going to keep doing this to the one person that I really care about. Just so I can maybe potentially look good.
I’m nobody’s Jesus. Nobody’s savior. And that’s not a bad thing. I can wait for the opportunities to be good and take them. I need to stop trying to create them for myself. I need to stop lying to create scenarios where I make myself the hero.
I’m sat here on a bench where I cried because someone in my family made me feel like nothing. You were my hero. You told me I was worth something. Something to you. That wasn’t a situation you had to lie to get into. It wasn’t made up so you could look good. You were just there. You were present.
And that’s what I fail to realize in the moment. And I keep making that mistake. I keep trying to make everything right all at once. And it’s a shit habit. It’s not who I am as a person. It’s not who I want to be. But that’s who you know me as. And that’s all I’ve shown these last few months or years.
And I don’t want to throw it all away for some self righteous reason that I don’t even consciously do. None of it is malicious. But that’s the thing. Lies are malicious. There’s not room for intent. Well at least not for me anymore. And that’s understandable given my past.
I need to change my habits. Fast. Now. Or it’s all going to fall away. Everything I love and dream of will disappear. And it will be my fault.
