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Today was my due date.

If I hadn’t lost the pregnancy late last year.

I’m feeling surprisingly okay. I thought this day would wreck me. Instead, I’m realizing how much I have to be grateful for and surrounding myself with people who make me smile.

<3

I think we are putting off trying to have a baby until 2016. It was just too painful. We went through too much and it was eating us alive. Neither of us are in any rush to invite that pain back into our lives. We need a significant break to heal and come out of it stronger.

I’m not sure what to do with this blog, though. I suppose I should start using my primary blog more. Especially since that’s the one I follow you guy with. It’s http://heyjuuuude.tumblr.com/ if anyone’s interested!

The best thing about not wanting to TTC right this minute is no longer feeling that sickening jealousy when someone gets their BFP! There's been quite a few lately and I'm enjoying being happy for you guys without that ugly green monster lurking in the darkness. 😄👍👏 Congratulations!!!

A couple of you guys are well on your way down the adoption path and I just have to say how absolutely THRILLED I am for you!! I haven’t been online much as the school year winds down and I’m working 10-12 hour days. But I keep finding moments to check in and see how it’s going!

I find myself grinning from ear-to-ear with such joy and hope! I can’t wait to see where it all goes. :)

A shift.

Well this is weird.

So this break from TTC has been incredible. I didn’t realize how badly we needed it until we finally ACTUALLY stopped trying. One month turned into two. And now I’m not sure I want to start again just yet.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I are polyamorous and during this break, we decided to casually see other people. We discussed whether or not it was OK to actually form relationships and we said we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.

Well, I’ve come to it. I met this really awesome guy. We’ve been chatting for a few weeks and we recently met up and there was just an amazing spark. I talked it through with my husband and he said if I wanted to have a more serious relationship with this guy, he had no problem with it.

So now I’m worried how getting pregnant might affect that. I think after two and a half years of letting my fucking uterus rule my life and my emotions, it’s only fair my heart feels something other than the consistent shattering that happened with every BFN. Just talking to this new guy makes the stress in my life melt away. And it’s even brought my husband and I closer together.

I don’t want to get too ahead of myself with this whole thing. Who knows if it will even become anything. I just know I’d like it to. And it’s making me want to put TTC on the back burner a bit longer.

Maybe, if nothing else, it can be an amazing summer fling.

#ttc #ttc over 30 #ttc after loss #polyamory

I think we’re taking another month off.

I cannot tell you how nice this month off from TTC has been. My husband and I have been taking care of ourselves, doing things that make us happy and not having OUR WHOLE WORLD revolve around my uterus.

We’ve been going on fun trips and dates. I saw The Strokes, Hozier and the Pixies at the Big Guava Music Festival in Tampa. I have plans with friends all weekend. We’ve been going on dates with other people too! Getting back into our poly lifestyle has brought us even closer (as it tends to do!).

Everything is pretty OK! I have TWO MORE WEEKS until summer vacation! I’ve signed up for this awesome monthly Geek Girl Brunch where a bunch of badass nerdy women get together, have mimosas and eggs and talk about stuff we love. June’s theme is motherfuckin’ Sherlock! I’m debating making a shirt that says Cumberbitch to wear to the restaurant.

We are also planning a trip to Baltimore and Washington DC. We’ll be filming a short documentary in Baltimore and just doing the touristy thing in DC.

I honestly feel more relaxed and happy than I have in YEARS! I’m not ready to give that up.

It seems I’ve become the Resident Uterine Expert at work. A few coworkers have me on social media accounts where I’ve been more open about our struggle with infertility. At least during awareness week! Well word must’ve gotten around because I’ve had three coworkers come to me in the last few weeks. One wanted to tell me she was pregnant before she told anyone else. Another wanted advice on supplements for TTC. And today our speech pathologist wanted my opinion on whether or not she was experiencing implantation bleeding. She said “I know this is a delicate topic but you’re the expert.”

I’m the expert? lol Laaaaaawwwwwd.

We’re taking a month off of TTC.

My husband and I need a break! We found out I don’t need surgery, which is wonderful, but we’re still feeling like we hit a wall with trying to conceive. So we are taking a *real* break. We’re not going to have sex during my ovulation week. Instead, we’ll have actual spontaneous, fun, UNPLANNED sex whenever the hell we feel like it! I can barely remember what that feels like!

We’ve also gotten back into the poly thing, at least for a bit. We are really happiest when we’re not fully monogamous. It just works for us. We’ve already met a few really interesting people. We’ll see if any of them lead anywhere!

Other than that, I’m just working, working, working. Only three and a half weeks left in the school year and projects are piling up. Parent conferences are next week. All kinds of paperwork is due ASAP. Good times!

I have a new prescription for Clomid that I’ll probably use during my June cycle. But I’m going to enjoy not worrying about that for a while! :)

morbidology

On 16 August, 1996, a 3-year-old boy fell 18 ft into the gorilla enclosure at Brookfield Zoo and was knocked out. Unconscious, with a broken hand, and a gash to his face, visitors began to scream as they thought the boy would be attacked by the gorillas. Instead, 8-year-old western lowland gorilla, Binti Jua, picked up the young child and carried him 59 ft to the entrance where zoo staff could retrieve him. She growled at other gorillas who tried to get near the boy. This is a clear example of apparent altruism and empathy in animals.

procreationstation

Animals can be amazing. Google Jambo the gorilla and watch him lovingly stroke the back of an unconscious little boy who has fallen into his enclosure. He also guides the rest of the gorillas away when the boy starts to cry. ❤️❤️

No polyps! No surgery needed! But man, that was horrible. Saline sonos are the fucking worst.

The doctor who did it was the same one who did my polypectomy and D&C. She remembered all of it and gave me a big hug. She couldn’t believe we were doing another one so soon but my lining was still very thick today so she agreed we should check things out (I also see the male doc sometimes and he suggested the saline). She talked me through it and made sure I was ok. I lied and said I was. lol Ugh. THE WORST.

I’m glad there’s nothing there but I’m wondering why we’re still not getting pregnant. She did say it looked like I was ovulating earlier than normal. So maybe our timing has been off. Although with the trigger shot and follicle studies, I don't see how that's possible.

Well…back to work to leak bloody saline solution all day!! The joys of babymaking!

Saline sono in an hour and a half!

I'm not too worried about the results. If there are no polyps, that's great! If there are, they'll remove them and it may help us get pregnant again. So really, it's a win-win today. Just gotta get through being poked and prodded! And fileted by that damn enormous speculum. I treated myself to a special breakfast and I'm about to down some ibuprofen. Let's do this thing!

Happy birthday ❤️🎉

Thank you!! :):)

You are stronger than me.

I see what you ladies who are doing IVF have to go through, and I just don’t feel like I could handle it. If we get to that point, and miraculously found a way to afford it, I wonder if I could somehow find the strength to get through what seems like such a grueling, intense process. I mean, I’m just here on Clomid/Ovidrel, and I fall apart big time, after every BFN. I can’t imagine dealing with all the medications, shots, procedures and STILL possibly failing. Oy...

How do you guys do it?? I am in awe of you. All of you! I know each step of this process can be painful but I feel guilty for being so upset when I’m dealing with just a fraction of your struggle!

Hormones are assholes!

What a difference a day makes, though. Yesterday, while I was still PMSing, I was miserable. Like cry on your lunch break in the staff bathroom miserable. Or cry in the car all the way home miserable. I cried so hard I gave myself a horrible headache for most of the night. It was a crap day.

But now that my period is actually here, I’m fine. Yesterday, in a fit of sadness and rage, I cancelled all my birthday plans with family. Then today I called my sister back and made new plans. She’s used to my monthly breakdowns. She’s a therapist. She gets it.

My birthday is on Sunday and dammit, I’m going to enjoy myself. I don’t care what we do as long as I’m surrounded by people I love.

I called to schedule that saline sonohysterogram and haven’t heard back yet. :( I am REALLY not looking forward to it, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Fingers crossed I won’t need another surgery!!

Fuck today.

Being greeted at work by someone's pregnancy announcement is the worst way to start the day. All I want to do is sit in the bathroom and cry but I have to pick up my kids from morning care in five minutes. FML. I just want to go home and sleep.

polarbearsandkrakens Wow...I would probably be really hurt by that as well! My nephew is my sister's third kid too, but the others are 12 and 17 so there's a disconnect there for me. I watched them grow up before I ever wanted kids. But now, seeing the little one hit all those milestones and getting those excited phone calls/texts..."he's eating solids!" or "he's crawling!" or "he said his first word!" Each one cuts like a knife. 😔

I wonder if my nephew’s milestones will ever get less painful for me. My sister got pregnant accidentally while we were in the midst of our TTC process. It caused a rift between us for a long time. We’re past that now, but my nephew is now a year old and I am STILL childless. His birthday was hard. His baptism this past Sunday was REALLY hard, considering I’m his Godmother. Honestly, just being in the same room as him can be overwhelming sometimes.

I tried to be happy when she got pregnant, thinking my future kid would have a cousin around the same age. Someone to grow up with. Now I’m afraid my nephew will be much older by the time it ever happens for me.

I love that little boy with all my heart. I honestly do. I feel absolutely despicable for being hurt by his mere existence. He’s just a constant reminder of the life I so desperately want. The life I almost had. That reminds me. I would’ve been...what? Seven months pregnant right now...

Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep.

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