The Professional Sociopath

I am a 29 year old self-aware sociopath, living as a working professional, an executive assistant by trade. I am engaged. I maintain many relationships. I eat, I shit, I fuck, I play video games and enjoy cocktail parties. We most likely have many interests in common. But beneath all the layers, I am absolutely nothing like you. Feel free to ask me questions. It will be refreshing to give out anonymous and honest advice without walking on eggshells. I hear tell a sociopath's perspective on things can be a harsh slap in the face, but often an empowering one. Please do not ask me if you are a sociopath. I am not a psychiatrist. I do not know you. Please Read This Posting for my opinions on that question. MASTER TAG LIST Ask A Sociopath ✞ Journal Entries ✞ Things I Hate ✞ Advice ✞ Bad Thoughts ✞ Secret Admirers ✞ Music ✞ Videos ✞ Imagery RELATED BLOGS I ENJOY Awful Things Have Their Own Kind Of Beauty ✞ The Lifeboat Mutineer ✞ Sociopath World

[professionalsociopath]

You may have gathered by now, but this project has come to a close.

My primary motive for neglecting it as I have is due to the climate change of tumblr as a blogging platform. I no longer have interest in this website or its denizens and their collective views and attitude. What was once quite a fascinating outlet is now no longer relevant or appealing to me. In such, it was abandoned.

I suppose this is official closure? Perhaps the closest thing to it.

Until then.

[professionalsociopath]

What have you been up to all this time?

Functioning.

I was recently married. Wedding plans took up much of my time. In a sense, it’s a relief that it’s now over and done. From here on, my fiancee shall be referred to properly as my wife.

I’ve been working. That much never changes. I work as much as I ever have. I travel often. I no longer share workspace. I have my own handsome office. My name is on a placard outside the door.

Our kitten is a full grown cat. Our flower bushes bloomed.

I was consistant for a long span of time. Running optimally. Things were easy. Uneventful. Time passes fastest when this much is true.

But it always ends.

[professionalsociopath]

Life As A Nonviolent Psychopath

Here's what happened when a neuroscientist discovered he had the brain of a psychopath.

Very interesting. Read half of this. Saving it here for reference and later revisiting.

[professionalsociopath]

control

Everything is back in place and it all fits together even more perfectly than before. I have a backlog of questions and things to speak on and the time to do so should be presenting itself soon enough and I have a fantastic fucking haircut and I'm eating 800 calories a day and the high is starting to set in. 

It reminds me college and those days spent eating hazelnut instant coffee speaking so little and sleeping even less.

I recently turned 28. We went out drinking and gambling and I came home and don't remember going to bed or waking up, just choking down waffles and playing cards and the pills I was gifted were missing and I was simply that much and nothing more for better or for worse.

Two more years.

[professionalsociopath]

In a week's time I will be going to Alaska.

It will be incredibly tempting to stay until I can't stand the silence.

[professionalsociopath]

a long time

It's five AM and I'm awake again and that isn't at all surprising because its the same as it always is.

The nights and days are all just one big mass of grey and the colours of sunrise are so muted and the stars try with such apathetic effort to shine through the smog and I find myself not knowing what day it is what week it is what year it is and when I'm asked how old I am I have to stop and think about it for a fraction too long and that hesitation jars me more than anything except a moment later I no longer care.

I have not been writing as frequently, but I maintain my social circle and put on the new masks and the re-painted faces and dance that pre-determined waltz with practiced ease because I've trained myself to function on auto-pilot by now. Spent years crafting this skill, this talent, this whole little world I live in but disassociate from more often than not. I see the world in dollhouse dimensions, perfect little puppets moving on strings gliding on stages, mouths moving while words come spoken from scripts and all the camera angles are askew and the cuts jarring, sometimes nauseating to the eye.

My life is crammed with impulse buys and shallow friendships and lip service and kissed cheeks shaken hands another drink cheers raise a glass congratulations darling that dress looks divine.

All I eat is instant coffee because I can't stand to look at myself when my 32" slacks are ever so snug and I just keep myself empty in every way possible because that's just within my comfort zone.

[professionalsociopath]

Are you still with your fiancée?

Yes. We have finally set a wedding date of March 23rd, 2014.

[professionalsociopath]

Journal #

I am seeing a therapist soon because things have degenerated

I am not certain I can formulate the words any longer to paint an accurate picture

Everything is such a mass such a jumble in my head and no matter how fast my fingers fly across keys or how hard and hurried i hammer them i cannot keep up with my thoughts or my brain or all these images anymore.

I triple-guess everything

Analyze it dissect it pick it apart and expose the nasty pulp of it cut down to the bone of it and nothing slips through my sieve and into words these days

I have been blocking it holding it back and sometimes I feel my grasp on things slip

I have stopped going to parties and head home early I sleep and I spend hours just staring unable to will myself to move or speak or do much of anything save be alone in the dark and I hardly notice the time as it passes and these blackouts have been more frequent and when I wake up I notice how much of the day I have wasted and only then do I become mildly annoyed or severely angry I can never tell which.

I've been choking on my words when my thoughts are so terrible because to let anything through would mean ruin and I cannot let anything else fall apart so while the world around me remains intact, I am the thing that is falling apart.

In another time I would detest this would scold myself could correct myself but I have been trying and lying and forcing and pushing so hard the seams are splitting and the mask is cracked and I dislike these excuses but I have no excuses and therein is where the problem is.

I have no excuses because I cannot comprehend the cause of it.

Nothing sounds rational, not my words, not this text, and yet I can still look at it and say that. Can make that assessment. I am watching the trend and I am dreading the day that I cannot or will not but I cannot be certain if that will ever occur or if I will be able to stop it.

I will be 28 years old in April

I make 78k a year.

I have put on a bit less than 15 pounds somehow, like the weight of all this has manifested itself and when I look at my reflection it is distorted around the middle and I don't recognize that man as anything but some flawed copy of me.

My hair is so very grey and I am running out of ideas and there are

only

so

many

options

[professionalsociopath]

It sounds like a good idea. Supposing you actually do it, would you be so kind as to record and upload it somewhere in case anyone misses it?

I may or may not decide to actually do this, admittedly, as my time is rather scarce and my whims concerning how to spend what bits of it are free to me vary wildly.

At this point, it remains an idea.

But yes, they would be pre-recorded and uploaded as podcasts or sound cloud files and linked here, so they may be listened to at your leisure and convenience.

[professionalsociopath]

No time to spill no blood Let's move in syncopation I can't even syncopate myself He said, he said, he said, he said, he said I think i'm running out of time

[professionalsociopath]

I recently obtained myself a large and hopefully steady supply of Percocet.

Words cannot possibly describe the pleasure and relief I feel in securing this.

Life has been moving so quickly and I barely have time to act barely have time to think no time to function no time to stop.

Back to floating along.

[professionalsociopath]

Fear

I was pulled on a specific project that deals with the nature of horror, what scares people most, and what scenarios are the most terrifying to endure.

As this is tied to my occupation, I regretfully cannot provide many details in this blog. Assume you may not even witness the results. I have mentioned working in the entertainment industry previously.

I am at times involved in the creative aspect of my company, though generally my duties revolve around marketing, PR, social networking and general executive assistance. I keep books. I arrange travel. I speak  and issue canned statements on the behalf of those who lack the time to.

So tell me, as I am curious in general, what scares you most? What do you find terrifying. Please attempt to explain why you find this to be so. Indulge me. Be conceptual.

I fear a lack of control. When things around me cannot be influenced. When outside influences are untouchable. Ruin. Take over. This is tied to my faint fear of parasites. Of things living inside me. Taking over. Undetected. Living.

[professionalsociopath]

I must confess to having a small problem. One which I imagine you may have encountered also. Whilst at university, I have a plethora of possibilities open to me, with regards to building relationships. There's no lack of students and I imagine that in the future, many of them will be in positions of power which will make them rather useful. For now, however, many are quite the irritation. How can I separate the wheat from the chaff and put in the least amount of effort required in maintenance?

Admittedly, my best advice on this subject is simply trial and error. It is a skill, an innate talent, that will take time to cultivate. You will get better at it with time and experience. There will be misjudgements, and if you are conscious and intelligent, you will learn from them.

Culling my social circle to that of optimum performance vs. maintenance has taken time and much scrutiny. I have found it necessary to re-evaluate my tactics, my standards, and my selections as my needs evolve and situations change.

It is a matter of becoming adept at adapting and social manipulation. Be aware.

It helps to maintain a charismatic persona on the whole. Being well liked and admired is an all-around advantage. You will have to put forth less work with individuals, if your reputation proceeded you. If you are a person others want to like, they will like you without you needing to give them personal incentive to do so. Their disposition toward you will be positive, and this is an advantage you will always hold. You will be a person they remember, perhaps months, years down the line when you may require their leverage without having to expend excessive energy and endure potentially fruitless pursuits.

It also helps minimize the time you need to spend on the what-ifs and the could-bes. Those people you see holding some ounce of potential for the future, who are currently not up to caliber, or who may just as easily fall to the wayside. They can be dismissed with no fallout, as there were little to no ties to sever.

Being admired in general and commanding attention and respect is a strong foundational tactic in constructing a powerful social orbit.

Prioritize. What is it you require? Seek out those who already exhibit the traits or hold the assets you desire. In an ideal world, we would know and be ideal people. Your time is of value, spend it on those that have the most payoff. Cut your losses. Be flexible.

Evaluate individuals. If it helps? Dissect them. Weigh their pros against their cons. Pit them against one another. Develop a system of ranking and scale, which will in turn help you delegate your attentions, time, and effort toward those that are most useful and most enjoyable to work with.

This has become a tad disjointed, and I apologize, but amidst this jumble are tactics and habits I have found myself adopting over the years that have simplified the sometimes overwhelming scope of social opportunities and helped significantly reduce my wasted time and tried patience.

I have made mistakes. I admittedly still do, though they are certainly less frequent now than five years prior.

[professionalsociopath]

could you make /post/25387363457 rebloggable?

 by request, it is reposted over on the management journal for this project.

[professionalsociopath]

Why do you use drugs? Is it an escape for you, or an adrenaline rush, or the lack of control? Or is it something else? This question was asked of me and I'd like to know where you stand on this regarding yourself, of course.

Drugs are a sensation. A feeling I cannot normally experience. An altered state. Something new. I have mentioned many times in this blog, my fondness of pain killers.

I enjoy sedatives for the sick pleasure they give me in the proof that I can be more hollow than I am when sober. That there is something less than that which I am. That I 'could be worse'. I pop those pills and use that moment to revel in it. In being so hollow. So empty. So dull.

The feeling after the drugs is the real high. That fleeting span of time in which my facilities are in the process of returning to me. When I come back into myself, and I am more than what I so recently was. It is re-assuring. It is a motivating rush. The entire cycle is an experience I desire, both physically and mentally.

Aside from the simple cold fact that I have taken enough oxycodone over the years to have developed a tolerance and an ache for it. It makes me lose weight. It helps curb my insomnia. It feels wonderful. The liquid trickle of numbness, the walking-on-air way in which I can coast through a particularly difficult day unperturbed. It renders tolerating things more....realistic a goal. Everything is a happier, warmer shade of grey.

While I take them recreationally now and then, I also take them as a pre-gaming precaution for enduring stressful or unpleasant events.

My current expended cache has had me, admittedly, somewhat concerned as of late. I always pleasantly anticipate the news of an associate's oral surgery appointment. I could stop taking them if I desired to, I have ceased other addictions and affinities of mine before as was necessary at the time. But there is no dire reason to now and so I continue.

[professionalsociopath]

Is it a problem if you find yourself attached to someone? Do you feel like you "need" them in your life? What do you do when this person leaves or if you have to leave (moving away, etc).

I cannot say there is anyone I need. I have seen far too many people come and go, those who I may have even highly valued, to know that it makes very little difference in the end. I will continue on, meet new people, and evolve. Nothing is detrimental. My world will not end. Life will cycle and new friends, new lovers, are inevitable.

I have moved quite often. I have said many goodbyes, or said nothing at all. I may still keep in touch with those I consider friends, and I certainly regard them fondly, but there is only the new inconvenience of up-keeping long distance communication to be concerned with. A new hassle. At times I make this effort. At times I cut my loss.

I would say I 'prefer' to keep specific people around. In an ideal scenario, they exist in my day to day affairs and I maintain an amiable rapport with them.

Then there exist those rare few whom I seem to have some unspoken bond with. We go weeks, months, years with little communication. Then I see them when I am in town or we attend an event or I get the impulse to call them. Suddenly it is as if we spoke yesterday. Our dialogue and regard suffer very little.

I have one friend I have maintained since I was nine years old and I have gone years without speaking to her. I went to visit her, November of last year, after not having seen her in person in over three. After barely communicating. We pick up where we leave off. Unpause and resume.

There are currently three people in my life I would prefer not to lose, and so I make it a priority to maintain my relationships with them. It is simple, because I do enjoy their company. My fiancee, and my two closest friends. Where they to leave me, I would be disappointed. It would be a shame. I would attempt to prevent it if possible, as they are something I enjoy having and prefer to keep.

There are a few people I have severed ties with whom I still think of fondly from time to time. An ex I would not mind seeing again. A friend I should have fucked when I had the chance. I wonder how things would differ now, and play some scenarios through my head to satisfy the curiosity.

I know too many people to miss too many more. When one fades away, five more clamor to take their place. I find I struggle enough at times with the upkeep and maintenance my social network demands of me, so I draw away and cull the stocks in cycles. Meet a thousand people, engage a hundred, befriend fifty, keep up with ten, assimilate one or two into my long term.

Rinse, repeat.

[professionalsociopath]

Job Satisfaction

I have never seen this written so concisely. I am quite honestly impressed by the simplicity of it and find it incredibly logical. It is here in notation, for future reference if and when I inevitably have this discussion with those who are unsatisfied with their careers and ask me why I am pleased with my own. If you lack these elements, there is undeniably a void. I have been in my career for five years now, after a slew of mundane jobs that lasted only months. These are the differences.

Within the book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, I found a great distillation of the requirements for a satisfying job. Whenever I think of times when I have been unhappy, at least one of these things was missing.

Autonomy. You get a role in deciding what you do every day. Even if you might not always get decide exactly what you do, you can choose how to get it done.

Complexity. It must be an intellectually stimulating challenge. As the book states, it should “engage both your mind and imagination.” Not mind-numbing repetition.

Connection Between Effort & Reward. The harder you work, the greater your income or recognition. You see the results of your actions.