titsay
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@projekmencaricinta
tulis.
kembali di sini.
umur tiga puluh lapan tahun lima bulan tujuh hari kurang lebih.
jumpa teratak di tepi pantai. kawasan berlembah air di tepian.
risau banjir.
redah saja.
ada cinta di dalam hati saja.
hati kertu tertutup.
sibuk jadi hamba kerja.
cinta itu apa?
ngilu
hari ke enam, bulan tujuh, dua ribu lapan belas.
masih mencari cinta.
di dalam hati rasa retak belah berkecai berai. ku tabur sisa sisa hati ku di sepanjang jalan besar saban hari berulang alik ke tempat kerja.
selalunya aku kuat.
tapi bukan sepanjang masa.
maaflah.
nanti aku kutip kembali debu debu halus kembali ke hati aku.
aku janji.
pujuk hati hati ini dan itu
hati ini hanya satu. kenapa hati yang satu tu letak di dada bukan di pinggang atau di perut? kenapa yang berbicara tu letak di dada bukan di mulut bukan di kaki? entah. kadang kadang aku pun pelik. ada yang berbicara bukan mula di dada tapi lebih kepada kakinya atau buku ruasnya. mungkin otaknya letak di lutut. keras sungguh pemerhatian hari ini. jagalah mulut, jagalah hati. hati ini untuk disayangi dan menyayangi. bukan untuk dibenci dan membenci.
just then
when i thought okay, i have had enough emotional crises last year, won’t happen again this year, i am afraid i have another life crisis.
don't get hurt
my heart,
don't get hurt.
don't go close.
don't get attached.
don't commit.
don't love.
don't get hurt.
you get closer, you will love, you will give everything and then get hurt.
that pain, of getting left behind, getting hurt so much that every moments spent on loving someone seemed just like efforts being wasted.
as it hurts.
my heart.
i am afraid of what may come, who may love me, who might leave me, might give me pain, would make my tears flow freely.
my heart hurts.
how would i know.
my heart is closed shut tight.
barely opened.
it seems.
my heart...
mudah jatuh hati
saya dalam fasa umur yang mudah jatuh hati.
mana mana jejaka baik hati kelihatannya tampan di mata saya.
saya pernah dulu remaja tapi tak pernah pula jatuh hati pada semua jejaka. mungkin terlupa agaknya. umur 17 tapi berlagak gaya orang tua, banyak bebanan di atas bahu agaknya.
kenapa kini kala 35 melangkah ke 36 saya terlalu mudah jatuh hati. tapak tangan saya hinggap di kedua mata.
panas.
lalu saya bisikkan pada mata, jaga jaga, jangan mudah jatuh hati. sekali jatuh mungkin buta mata, parah hati.
otak saya ligat berputar. jantung saya membalas.
mudahnya jatuh hati. mudah sekali. tapi hanya saya seorang diri.
nah, bangunlah bangun hati. mudah jatuh mudah pergi.
simpan saja dalam hati.
spinstership
spinstership. singlehood. or whatever else people may label from andartu to andalusia. ada satu persoalan yang aku simpan dalam hati tanpa diluahkan pada mak. apa pendapat mak tentang status bujang anaknya ini pada usia menghampiri 40, lima tahun lagi. adakah dia yakin anaknya ini akan bertemu jodoh atau selamanya bujang? soalan aku adalah sejenis yang menakutkan kerana kakak iparnya masih bujang walaupun sudah lima tahun pencen. soalan aku itu hanya akan kutanya pada Tuhan, usai solat. walaupun hati aku tidak ikhlas. kerana aku tahu aku tak selayaknya bertanya, ya Tuhan. aku serba serbi kurang orangnya. aku tahu. tak apalah. bujang pun bujanglah. begitulah. pedihnya hati bila ditanya.
missing you
when i left lugging your belongings with an empty seat next to me, so does my heart. it will never find its way back to my hollow soul. i can never hold your hands again. we went there together but i got home alone. all those happy times are so surreal. wasn't it a dream? will we be able to meet again. parting was hard. saying goodbye was even worse.
you and i
there was no love when we met yet we stayed together. to put a smile on each other's future. to care for one another. there were times when it was hard but we pulled through them with patience.
expectations vs reality
this single life. a friend of mine had enjoyed her single life to the fullest; travelling, working, saving money, and buying her own house. she got married later to someone who is a gentleman and a lot younger than her. got pregnant and quit her job. now she's retired. and married. and stays at home. some things that i couldn't do while being single. quitting a job. giving birth. staying at home forever. there are also some other things that i have not done on my own yet. saving money. travelling. finding a man to be married to. buying my own house. paying my loans. why am i so envious of other people these days. i need to fix this mentality. i need to love more... love myself to love others.
mean words
mean words never leave your head. words like when a mother tries to make a point of who's the boss in charge by saying, "this is my house, i make the rules and i can throw out anything i want, even your belongings..." that hurts very deeply. if you heard that once a month as a child, you will be scarred forever, like me. i even wondered maybe i got picked up somewhere on the streets and got sheltered before being kicked out again. where do i belong? was that place not my house too? where should i go to call my place? i don't know what motivates my mom to say that to me, maybe i too was unreasonable. maybe she was or is still regretful with her temper. some kids just gave up and ran from home. i put on deaf ears and a very thick face until i managed to be independent. yeah, mean words stayed etched in my mind, in my heart but so do good words. at times like now, i don't know why am i so strong... can i still be strong?
a conversation with my other half
yeah, i got jealous whenever i watch every character on tv has a partner of some sort so i tend to think in my head what kind of conversation i would have had if i have my other half or a quarter to chat with.
first topic, first love.
should i have anyone before you, my dear, i would never marry you now.
kkeutttt. end of conversation.
topic number two, any crush?
should i have any, why would i tell you?
end of story. should we continue a new topic?
hahahahaha. wouldn’t be fun. today i happened to receive a news that my acquaintance has finalized her divorce after almost five years being married to her university sweetheart. she’s resigning and heading to uk and i felt so bad for her. and of course, she’s way younger than i am.
she would never have imagined that it would end that way.
no women would imagine about a divorce before they got married either.
seeing people around me, i am pretty sceptic about marriage now. at this age, i am pretty much comfortable of not depending on anyone or any guys. getting me to open up my heart would probably be the hardest thing to do on earth. hence the two conversations i have had in my head ended up just like the above.
it was just the other day i had another conversation in my head on how should i arrange my kenduri. small and familiar. only family members and very close friends will be invited. no pelamin whatsoever, just me running around and greeting the guests. that’s it, and with a very nice buffet too.
today, i am thinking of the opposite. i enjoy my quiet and uneventful life.
to my mr right but no one right now or mr right but not right now, should i go for a lookout for you?
how to recover from a break up 2
i found songs that you used to listen to, played them on the radio every morning on my way to work, every time i am heading home. when i glanced at the traffic lights i wished for red to stop me longer. so that i can listen to the songs again.
got home. i did my dishes quietly in the kitchen, humming your songs in my head, letting out a huge sigh.
then the songs got hummed again.
then i placed the dishes to dry and continued humming your song. again.
i sat down quietly and switched the tv, saw your face again in that handsome actor. shook my head and heaved a big sigh.
i can’t remember how i got to this point. i thought i was recovering but i am not.
still thinking of you but i have got no numbers to dial and no one to speak to.
i…
i don’t think i’ll ever recover…
i’ll just live.
how to recover from a break up 1
when you left, i bade goodbye with a smile but a very heavy heart. i know there will be no regrets as i have given all my efforts and energy into loving you, trusting you.
while getting to know you and to love you, i believe that you have a big heart that you don’t know of. loving you is easy.
but having you to love me is another long and sad story.
if it is just one sided love, it was a sincere one. people may call me foolish but i did not ask anything in return. not even love.
as you walked away and disappeared in the crowds, my heart prays that you will be even happier than when we were together. that you will love the other person more than she loves you.
then only then, will you understand how sad the goodbye was for me.
know that you are the most beautiful person in my memories. one who appears when i am happy, and even when i am sad, or while i am humming songs in my head, or when i look at the plate of food you love so much, or when you leave the bed messy every morning, or when i pick up your worn shirt from the floor, wandering how hard you have worked that day…
maybe you left, maybe i let you go even so, maybe it has been written that i am not for you anymore…
how to recover from this sad fate? live like there is no past behind me.
no.
live happily thinking of you. meet new people. fall in love again.
i'd carry a person i like in my heart every where and smile at the thought of that very person every time. i'd hold him dear in my heart but never gathered courage to express it. i'd just watch him from far and pray Allah will keep him safe while i retreat and wish he will meet someone he likes that is better than i am. i have that much courage to like someone so quietly but loudly. both in my heart.
comfort
imagine. you long for someone yet you feel so comfortable alone. is it weird?
kita ini apa?
bak, kita ini apa? dalam mencari makna hidup, kita ini apa? dalam hati kita punya pilu sedalam seluas lautan biru. bila kita lihat wajah bak, kita rasa tenggelam. jauh lagi perjalanan kita, kan bak?