Me prendre à Neverland

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Why am I here?

never-ending question

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Thirst

As you pressed the lit cigarette upon your lips, my mouth suddenly felt dry.

seeing the smoke cloud your face leaving me parched than usual,

Sultry glance of your light hazelnut eyes, baby you lost me...

Gentle placement of your hands upon my shoulders makes me scream inside, wishing you would grab me tighter. Pushing me against the wall... I’m ready for you to do your worst as you pleased.

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y-O-u

Since I came back, I find myself sprinting out of the building as soon as my work finishes. I had this fear that if I start being comfortable around you I would not be able to pull myself back up again. I was learning not to think about you too much, and the more time we have those small talks the more I crave for you physically. I am a cowardly twat. I do miss how you gave me attention before but I also thankful that you’re not trying anymore (cause I know this time I cant control myself) still deep down I am hoping that you would finally ask me out someday. You see, there’s something about you that captured my lost heart. I was so skeptical with the idea of love that I tend to run away from it. Now I can’t stop myself from asking are you my “one that got away”? 

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Agos

Nalulunod ako sa salitang "balang-araw." Sa pangako nitong "pag-asa." Sa dala nitong "bago"ng simula Nalulunod ako sa mga "pangarap" Pangarap na tila mahirap abutin Katulad na lamang ng mga bituin Nalulunod ako sa sarili kong mga luha, Sa hinagpis na nagpapahiwatig sa agwat ng ating distansya. Sa katagang "hindi ko na kaya". Ngunit kailangang manatiling matatag, naglalangoy patungo sa dalampasigan. Labanan ang mga alon na naglalayo sa patutunguhan. Hanggang kailan? Sa paghabol ng hininga, Sa bawat padyak, Hanggang kailan? Nababalot ng karagatang walang laman, kahit isang salbabida, Hanggang kailan? Bago tuluyang malunod at mapatid ang hininga. Hanggang kailan.

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I am drowning in confusion, With monsters beside my bed I am in a dark place, I miss home... I miss you I need someone to talk to These anxieties of mine I wish you were here to take it away All the pain they've caused But i need to be strong, everyone expects me to be.

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Its been two weeks, I already miss you. No! from the moment we boarded the plane up until now. I miss you...That last phone call, and text you sent me... I miss you... If only we're not miles apart and an eight hour time difference, I would have hugged you...

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Kung nagkataon, ako'y lalayo't magpapaalam. Ano kaya ang ipababaon mo?

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I’m leaving

I’m leaving within eight days,

The idea of new beginnings excites me, same goes to deep down, I’m scared of the possibilities, the future. I’m not closing any doors but I don’t know what to feel. Leaving this country I’ve lived for twenty years of my existence testing uncharted waters. New culture, back to zero. I’m telling you these ‘cause I can’t talk to my friends about it and I don’t know why. Maybe because they were all excited when they heard the news. Only few of them know, and within eight days I have no idea what will happen. I suck at goodbye’s so maybe I don’t want everyone posting cheesy messages just because I’m leaving. I don’t want to cling to the promise of see you soon. Who knows where will this journey take me. I just hope to look forward that someday somehow, we’ll see each other again

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Give me time to fix myself... I promise I’ll be back

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I was once the one who's afraid to be left alone... Turns out, I was the one leaving

a book i’m trying to write in my head

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"Putangina mahal kita!" Gusto kong ipagsigawan sa buong mundo, gusto kong ipadama sayo. M A H A L K I T A kuha mo ba yon? Pero baka nga nagpapadala lang ako sa mga pangyayari, sa ragasa ng emosyon, sa panandaliang aliw. Hindi ko masasabi, sa tuwing magkakalapit di maiwasan isipin na bigla kang hablutin at halikan sa labi. Marahil nga uhaw lang to, masyadong nalalamigan at naghahanap ng pampainit. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan kayang pigilan, hindi ko alam kung kaya pang itago. Pero ang tagal ko nang gustong sabihin sayo.. "Mahal kita gago!"

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I'd say I love you, if I know what love means.

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Dear lil sis...

I have given up countless times, And it’s okay.

I have given up on a portrait I was working on, cause I can’t make the eyes right

I have given up on speaking because I realized that Its better to listen

I have given up on writing, cause it served as a reminder of how bad I felt

I have given up junk food, and I’m still alive

For a moment, I became free, invisible… Nothing holding me down. But then you must know what are the things worth fighting for..

I almost give up a friend just because the relationship wasn’t going the way I pictured.

I almost give up on my studies cause I can’t find any reason to continue.

I almost give up moving on because everything reminded me of the past

I almost give up on this family, knowing it won’t be the same, it was never the same.

You know what, those challenges made me who I am now. I’m still afraid of what I think I can do giving up. But it’s not about what you’re giving up on… It’s about how you accept it and who’ve you become.

Sometimes the bravest thing to do is to give up.

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I’d like to think that somewhere, somehow I deserve a happily ever after

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L.O.V.E

A four-letter word I cannot expound enough.

A feeling that can make me so calm yet triggers all my anxieties,

A group of letters yet to be explored

It made me write and not write at all

How it synthesized with its opposites

It made me answer and question

A mystery, unknown to me.

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I was fascinated by sunsets, I loose track of the sunrise

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Paano ka nakasisiguro na hindi mo nga siya mahal? Simple, nagising ako isang araw wala nang nararamdaman.