Quotes by The Smartest Man In The World

All words by Greg Proops. go to proopcast.com to download or subscribe to his podcast. to search for quotes by episode, type in the name of the episode or the air date in the format yyyymmdd into the search field. some, not all of the quotes have been transcribed. thanks for visiting!

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let me just say two things about dominos.  your slogan should be “fuck it, it’s late” and then your other slogan should be “if you like tomato sauce, coooome and get it!”  if you wanna not sleep at all and dream and Rue McClanahan is chasing you around the room with a corn-cobbed dipped in ky jelly, then eat a dominos pizza before you go to sleep like i did in red bank.  because the tomato sauce forms an agita so hard in your stomach lining that no amount of gaviscon heroin-based fucking acid-deterrent could ever cull the flux or quell the flux or cull the fux out of what is in your stomach.  it is a churning boiling fucking unbelievable caspian sea of pain and horror.  now, why the caspian, Greg?  cuz, it’s near those romantic areas that one can’t pronounce.  

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we’re bringing food in now.  we don’t care if the whole crowd is enticed like a fucking burger king meal on a southwest flight to vegas.  you would never consider burger king under the most horrible circumstances of your life unless you were insanely drunk and inebriated and with a group of friends who you didn’t trust that much.  and yet somehow you get on a southwest flight and you smell burger king and you’re like “fucking ... that is gourmette, what happened?”  

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now i gave the crowd a warning tonight that i would cock-whip them if they didn’t laugh at every goddamn thing i said here tonight.  normally i give people time to breathe and a chance for every idea to settle down, but tonight, i don’t fuckin think so.  tonight i’m gonna have you guys on a short cocking kitten leash.  i’ll have you know, when i think i’ve said something amusing i want at least a fucking titter if not a guffaw.  uh, i’m not settling for chortling, and no inward smiles.  that will not be happening tonight.  i don’t want any internal monologue like “that is most amusing - i must remember that bone-mo for later and chisel it down in the marble memory banks so that i can crack it out with my utre friends when we’re at some wild escapade or sitting in the dark of night in an opiated haze thinking of something witty to say to each other as the violet dawn breaks.  fuck you.  i want it right here, right now.

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referring to George Orwell: political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable and to give the appearance of solidarity to pure wind.  

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regarding Osama being killed.  our president came on tv and said “justice has been done.”  now he went to harvard law school so he should know that justice is not done at the end of a gun.  justice is done when you capture people and try them in front of the world. 

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he couldn’t be more gracious or nice, much like all kiwis that you meet here.  obviously insanely polite and very very softspoken and delightful.  unlike americans you don’t pound on your chest and pull your dick out every two seconds.  

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“i wondered what other animals you might want to play.”  wow, this is like a Barbara Walters question: “if u were a twee, Gweg, which way would you lean when the bweeze bwew?”  

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referencing Oscar Wilde: your weaknesses are your strengths.  your shyness is your secret power.  use your shyness because you will get people to come near you.  they’ll think you’re mysterious and interesting and when you lay your thoughts on them, they’ll go, fuck.  she was so quiet.  how did i know she was a bouquette!  ready to bloom.  

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and then when they got in that bitching little aston-martin and drove out with the just married thing at the end. it was kind of like the wedding we all wanted but couldn’t afford because we don’t have a nation to rape to pay for it.

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the two things that england does best.  one, utter and complete denial of reality.  england’s going to shit in a handbasket and they had the most lavish fucking event ever, and it was fantastic.  and secondly, celebrating the past.  because england does the past like nobody else because they kept the outfits.  

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Justin Bieber was egged in sydney three nights ago.  i know.  i think those eggs spoke for all of us.  

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that ice is a precious commodity here, even though you are un-fuckin-believably close to antarctica.  and therefore have no excuse whatsoever why you’re not just pulling fucking bergs over by the dozen and making all the sno-cones in the world here.  

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there is an undeniable anglo quality which kicks this place around. for instance, pies are eaten here even though food has been discovered in the last fifty years.

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and may i say, if it wasn’t for the maori karaoke show, you would have no fuckin good tv at all in this country.  i don’t mean to bag on shortland street, but wow.  

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all i heard was “i think americans are like sheep,” which i think is a very interesting concept ... we’re followers, i see, right.  and australia is boldy breaking fucking new ground every goddamn step of the way.  when china takes you guys over you’re gonna miss us, let me remind you of that.  ... i don’t think americans are sheep.  i think americans are individuals.  i think that um, this rupert murdoch you produced.  yea - this rupert murdoch you produced controls a good deal of the media in the united states, particularly fox television and the wall street journal and everything that he’s bought.  and that the media in america is of course subservient to the government and kneels down before them and merely transcribes whatever the giant corporations wanna say.  i think that’s where the impression of all americans being sheep comes from.  if we were sheep, we wouldn’t actually still hold some things dear to our heart.  we have no control just like you have no control here in australia over what the giant corporations do each day of your lives.  and so you ruminate and you fulminate and you are frustrated  over what you perceive as a giant injustice weighed upon the world.  i have no answer to your question, but i will say that i’m frustrated as well that americans seem like sheep.  but what i’m more frustrated by is that we’re treated like sheep by the powers that be.  ... i wish america would get back some of that spirit and take to the streets and tell everyone that we don’t give a shit anymore.  that you can’t fucking stomp on us.  i think you’ve seen it a little bit with the unions in wisconsin and whatnot, but i’m hoping that’s imbued back in us and that we get it before it all goes away.  

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[orwell’s] statement is this - that all the people who work low-level jobs in the hotel, and they’re just barely clinging to their subsistence.  they have just enough money to eat and get drunk on a friday night on a cheap bottle of plonk - only relate to the people they serve that are above them and relate not at all to the people below them and i think that is the way of humanity and that is the way of the world.  we step over the homeless because they’re disgusting, and then we look at the rich people and go, “i could be like that.”  and i think horribly that’s the way america sort of is.  the poor white people of america somehow take orders from the rich white people of america who keep promising all these things ... but again i go back to orwell.  double speak is the ability to hold two contradictory statements in your mind at the same time and believe both of them.  and we have conquered double speak in america.  particularly over the last ten years.  and i think that’s where the frustration comes in because clearly the truth and reality are one thing, and what people believe is another thing.  but if you can convince me that every australian doesn’t believe the same goddamn thing, i’ll blow a fuckin possum in the bush.  

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i think that question could be pointed at any country quite frankly.  uh, it just seems like, i think with america, we’re selling your face about it, and every time you turn on the news, you see someone wearing a tea party hat with tea bags hanging off it pumping their fists in the air or wearing a tri-cornered hat going “i love liberty!” and america seems to be the country that says things like “give war a chance.”  and i think that’s why we seem that way.  i think it’s a safe position for a lot of americans to fall back into and i don’t want you to get the idea that we’re all that way because we do read books and we do have irony and we do understand quite a lot of things.  but like australia, we’re isolated from the rest of the world.  you have to understand that i’m from up over, you’re from down under and uh, up where i live, we’re way far away from anything else except canada and mexico.  and you fuckers are way far away from everything.  so you have to understand that you’re skewed version of the world ... would lead you to believe that ... so your experience of america is colored through the prism of but one shade of blue, or even more precisely one shade of red.