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I remember your restful face when you are asleep, How you cuddled into my chest And put your leg around my body, In your adorable vulnerability.
I remember watching you and thinking I was the luckiest girl alive, Cherishing every inch of your beauty, Your eyes and your smile etched in me.
I remember my fingers on your skin And your back dancing to their pace, How you kissed my whole face And we played with ourselves.
I remember all the time spent in my bed. Souls entwined, worlds colliding, Created a dimension where I felt safe. In our rocket ship we travelled the universe.
I remember the tears I shed; Some times in the joy of having you near, Others in the longing for all you didn’t express. My heart shredded each time you didn’t show up.
I remember that cold mask you wear, Your deceptive protection when hurt or afraid. It crackled with the violence of anger, A distracting chaos for when your heart tear.
I remember every feeling, every fight, The violent ends to our violent delights. I remember Love and Hate’s smite. You are the worst best thing to come in my sight.
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You make me chase you That makes me want you My unhinged desire Reminds you of your value The distance you put between us Makes me hate you My crazed anger Breaks through you
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You keep coming back into my life As to make sure I never forget you. It feels like you need me in the sidelines Always in your reach, ever waiting for you. So that when life behind the Wall gets too cold, You can come ask for my warmth; Creating one more moment to remember Where we are held against each other.
The cycle of life of our relationship Has known many reincarnations And even more disillusions. Still intact lays our affection, The attraction of our bodies Who remember perfectly how to dance, Who remember the shape of our hands, And every chance that went to waste. They are all encryptions carved in my memory.
The remains of the love we had Live within a wound in my heart. I try to heal the scars but they tear open Each time I remember you. Does it make me a masochist That I still don’t want to forget? I want to be able to play your movie To watch fondly when I am feeling lonely. Hurting is the only way to keep the memory Of the best worst thing to happen to me.
How can I make peace with you When there is a constant war in my head? Are you a blessing, a curse? My mind is split in half My heart wants to scream As I discover that despite the pain I can never truly hate you.
Because I hold you so close to my soul, You are part of me. You have helped me get to know The woman in me. Through you, I learned what it was To care unconditionally. You taught me how to dream, How to dare believe in me.
You gave me a hope that was treachery Because in reality you have never accepted me. You haven’t taught me to love myself, I taught myself through healing from you, Through caring for the wounds of your words That called me crazy abnormal, sickly needy. How can I love me if my feelings don’t matter As long as you can act like you don’t have any?
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6 years later I find myself in a similar place. I could have ended 6 feet under but I find I have changed. I am no longer in despair, I now have faith That without you I can be happy And for that, your sacrifice is a necessity.
My heart may pinch when I think of you, I accept to pay that price. I am grateful for your wonders, Your love and your lessons I love you and I let you go It is the only way I can also love myself And make room for someone in my heart Who doesn't challenge my self-respect Most memories are meant to be forgotten I can’t hold on to a version of me that is dead.
Now I think all that I had to say has been said.