I’m so glad that this blog is back. I spent a long time trying to find a confession blog I felt comfortable confessing to this on. There’s no way I can talk about this off anon anywhere.
I wasn’t actually interested in Wataten when I read it. It was morbid curiosity. A bit of a hateread at first, if I’m being totally honest. (Being profic means I support dark/problematic fic, not that I have to like it :P)
I should really know better than that by now… Of course I kin someone from it.
I’m Hinata Hoshino. And, regrettably… I’m jealous. I’m so, so jealous of my good friend Hana, who did nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve my anger…
It doesn’t hurt as long as I don’t think about it. I try not to think about this kin at all, so it’s not so bad. But when I do… It feels so unfair. So, so unfair. Eh, it’s nobody’s fault, right? My sister can’t change her feelings. Hana-chan can’t control who likes her. No one did anything wrong. But it feels painful that Mya-nee actually wanted a relationship like that, but not with me. I was always there, I tried always to please her, and she didn’t want me. It’s not her fault though!! She didn’t do anything bad!! She can’t control how she feels. And I’d feel even worse if she tried to for my sake.
I know it can’t be helped, but it’s always this way for me. I’m just tired of it. I wasn’t what she wanted- pretty, soft, quiet like Hana-san. Too loud, too talkative, too clingy, too much. Not cute enough, not smart enough. It’s no one’s fault, but it’s always how I am, even in this life. I can’t stop being like that. Don’t you think I should learn my lesson?
It’s not Mya-nee’s or Hana-san’s fault that I don’t like myself, because they weren’t unkind to me, it’s just, it affects how I think about them. It’s no one’s fault for rejecting me, even if rejection is hard for me.
I just wish I was different. I don’t even like being the loud, chaotic, “funny” one. I don’t know why I act like that anyways, if I hate it, but I can’t help it.
I’ll always be the comic relief. It’s no one’s fault but mine, but I’m really sick of it.
~Hinata Hoshino (Wataten)