— ask meme : MABEL, a podcast by becca de la rosa and mabel martin. episodes 23 (bull in the maze) & 24 (coalescence).
i’ve been cultivating unkindness. i’ve been cultivating a lot of things — i’m a fertile field, it turns out — but unkindness is the most interesting.
it is unkind of me to try and play a trick on you.
i can hear everything, warped and distorted but broadcast somehow.
i can’t dig you out; i can’t reach my fingers deep enough inside my own brain, inside my own ribcage.
without you, divorced from even the idea of you, i have no substance, no form.
you are the antithesis that gives me definition.
another tragic love story, who needs that?
do you think you have a monopoly on anger?
i’m not really anything like a person.
i love you and love you and love you, just as i am gone and gone and gone.
i can’t imagine a version of myself that would not love you.
i dream of you. sometimes in my dreams you are singing. sometimes you’re raging at me.
i killed someone. i killed someone.
i’ll set myself on fire to give you light.
i don’t want you to be lost. i don’t want you to be stuck. i just want you to be free, and joyous, and buoyant.
i woke up needing you, you artery ripped loose from me, all bloody and twining.
time rattles on its hinges.
do you think i’m as fickle as a human?
are those matches? what do you think you’re doing?
i do not have time for this. you can be angry at me later, you can scream and rage at me when you’re not in danger anymore.
am i the martyr or are you?
there are other ways to get me to shut up, you know.
i believe you. i always believe you.
you’re always so right. it must be such a burden.
i must hate you, is that it? that’s why i did all this, because i want you gone.
i am with you because i want to be. that’s all.
i will love you like a fire loves a forest.
time has made liars and cheats of us all.
i will make a bullet of my mouth. i will make a knife of my heart.
you think you are the monster at the end of this book?