“ I thought you’d given up on me. ”
Her voice was soft as she sat opposite Carl, blonde hair blowing in the slight breeze,
not a sign of any tangles or blood. She was practically glowing, sitting there in clothes much too clean for this world. She was just as she had been the day she died, minus the scars and the much harder attitude. Things had been strange since that day, Beth had gone a long while without even realizing she had died. She thought the rest of the group was simply ignoring her. She had denied it when Carl said she wasn’t there, but now she knew and understood what he had meant. Her hand gently rested on his leg, the feeling was all there even though no one else could tell it was happening. Maybe it was because they both were so in love, so desperate to be together, that they could feel each other despite her being dead. Or maybe it was just Carl imagining her being there. She didn’t know, and honestly she wasn’t sure she wanted to.
“ Were you avoiding me, Carl? ”
Her words were like a melody, strung together with an intense preciseness, her fear of saying the wrong thing silently hidden beneath her flawless features. How could she tell him that she didn’t want him to leave her? He was alive, he had to spend his time trying to stay that way. Asking him to stay with her even for a little while was basically a death sentence, for if he stayed with her he would never want to leave her, and as much as she would love that, it would become a risk for his life. Beth would never let herself be the one responsible for something like that happening. No one except herself would blame her, but her own blame was more than enough - not to mention the pain of knowing she’d seriously injured the one person that she cared about no matter what they did. She had a gentle smile on her face, but the things whirling around inside her head were far from gentle. Memories, thoughts and questions; things she’d left without answers when she’d died. She wanted so
badly to be able to see Maggie or Rick or anyone, or at least she wanted them to see her, but she knew it wasn’t possible. She knew that it was risky enough for her to be down her seeing Carl, let alone anyone else.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk like this. ”
She regretted the words the moment they came out of her mouth, she wanted to yell that she’d changed her mind, but she continued with her point, the small smile on her face fading as her two scars slowly came to be on her face. Her hand slowly and gently moved from his leg to his cheek, her tone soft as she spoke.
“ Carl, you buried me. You were there when
they put me in the ground. I’m scared that
if we keep talking then you’ll be the next one
to be buried. ”
She hoped so desperately that he would decide he didn’t care about that, but she knew that even if he did decide that then she would still care and worry. She had only just managed to talk to him again though, and she didn’t want to lose him now. She slowly pulled her hand away from his face, the cast on her hand now. There was a bang, no one but Carl and Beth would have heard it though, despite how loud it had felt. Blood began to trail down her pale forehead, though she seemed completely oblivious to the bullet hole now in her forehead.
“ I don’t want you to end up like me. ”
Carl looked over at her, breath caught in his throat. Blood was running down her face, coating her porcelain skin in red. It was his imagination but despite that, he couldn’t will it away; he couldn’t bring the untouched Beth back. She had been so beautiful when she was actually breathing and even though part of him still thought she was alive, even he wasn’t foolish enough to believe that. Her chest wasn’t moving and no air leaving her mouth, eyes unblinking and movements robotic.
The boy buried his face in his hands, legs pulled up to his chest. He just wanted her to go away, he wanted to move on and see her everywhere he went.
Maggie sometimes stared at him, asked what he was looking at with a weary glance, voice thick with sleep. Glenn would too; pause beside him and place a hand on his shoulder, say something about food and lean down, whisper “Sometimes I see people too” in Carl’s ear and disappear, leaving his words resounding in the boy’s head.
“I don’t want to see you anymore. I thought I could
handle it, Beth. I thought it wouldn’t hurt this much
but Judith still cries for you, I still see you and my
dad knows, everyone does. I wish I didn’t...
It was just a cruel reminder of all he’d lost and everything he could never get back. Beth was gone, forever, and no matter how long he kept seeing her for, it was just his mind, just a figment of his imagination because he couldn’t let her go; couldn’t face the lost. Her words still stung, his eyes still watered will tears waiting to be shed and despite himself, he couldn't stand to look at her. He was so angry and he moved away from her, still listening to her soft voice and still feeling her touch and wanting to reach out and push her away and call her a bitch for leaving him, he wanted to hit Daryl and his dad and everyone who didn't save her. But most of all? The boy just wanted to stop seeing her.
Despite himself, he moved his hand to grasp hers, ignoring the blood gushing from her wound and the fact she wasn't real and leaning forward to press his forehead to her bloody one, wincing at the contact. It felt so real, he wanted it to be, and part of him wondered what it would be like to kiss her, just one more time; for the last time.
"Beth, I have to let you go. You know that, right?"
And without further warning, he tilted his head, lips pressed harshly against her, just desperate for contact- touch that wasn't real. She was cold and still but Carl didn't care, he wanted her.
"I have to let you go but-- I love you."
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