but once you are real you can't become unreal again. it lasts for always. { indie gilbert nightray/baskerville rp blog } { tracked tag: protegeant } { m!a: -- }
Hi :) i just read your post about the roleplaying community and about your struggles :( let me just say that i think you are a beautiful amazing person even though i have never met you :) and that i am also huge fan of pandora hearts :) don't role-play so i was just curious as to exactly what is happening to those that do??? has their been hate going around because of the role-play??
[ Hello, anon! Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate hearing them. And, to answer your question… (Also everyone, please give a second before clicking on the Read More because I have some trigger warnings to slap on it, and I don’t have xkit—) ]
I do not wish to demonize the Pandora Hearts fandom or roleplay community. It is not my intention. I have met some really remarkable and beautiful people through this series and the community on tumblr, but I hesitate to make that argument of “not every roleplayer” because while not everyone actively participates (and, even if some people don’t want to believe it or people are unaware), there are still things like this going on in the community right now.
Are there exceptions? Yes. There are people who are supportive and burn themselves out even now trying to keep an eye on everyone. There are people who don’t even know what’s going on because they genuinely don’t know. But saying “not every roleplayer” is an easy way to keep people from looking at themselves and their own behavior when they’re given an out like that, and it keeps people from thinking they need to be held accountable because they “aren’t like that.” Or thinking that things are okay because they’ve found one instance that wasn’t bad.
That’s like saying that there’s a container of rotten eggs, but there’s one in there that’s good, so it’s okay, right?
Most of the issue comes from people not addressing things in this community, or that people are attacked for trying to address them. You’re just spoiling the fun or trying to control the fandom or something, so these things go unaddressed and unresolved and things get worse.
Nobody feels comfortable when these things come to light because suddenly, you are accountable, and chances are everyone has contributed in some way. I myself have been a passive observer before because I didn’t want to “stir up trouble” or make people dislike me or risk certain things like my reputation in the fandom. So I stayed quiet on a lot of things. Because I didn’t want to think I passively contributed to the issue. And, well, I did. Even if I wish I didn’t, I did, and so that’s why I want to say something now. I can’t fix what I didn’t say or do before, but I don’t want to be a passive observer anymore.
Because if you don’t say anything and know something is going on, what ends up happening is you’re just allowing bad behaviors to continue and become supportive of them by being quiet. Even if you don’t like it, you aren’t doing anything to stop it.
Which I am absolutely guilty of! I have been this person. I’m not proud of it, but I have to admit that!
Everyone handles things differently. I know that. I get that. I myself tend to be very private, but I do think that it’s an issue how people can be hurting themselves and the impression they’re given is that they didn’t matter. And I’m not just saying that to make a point or rile people up. I’m saying it because that’s what these people have told me after leaving.
Even if you do care, which I know people in this community do, if you don’t say something, how will they know? When you are in a dark headspace or feeling dragged down by depression, you can’t always magically remember that people care about you. There are little whispers creeping in your mind that tell you you are shit and don’t matter and nobody gives a damn about you and that everyone and the world would be better off without you. It’s really difficult to think those things away, even with vocal support, but if you’re thinking those things and nobody tries to counter them or even just let you know they’re there… Well, really godawful things can happen.
Some people hurt privately, and sometimes there’s going to be no way you know about it. But if you see someone hurting, please say something. Whatever you’re roleplaying can wait, I promise you. That person’s well-being is far more important.
Many people have left because coming here sparks depression, anxiety, urges to self-harm or worse, and if anything is telling that there are underlying problems in a community, I think it’s those.
You are one of the lucky ones, then. I'm not sure how long you have been in the fandom? But it has been an ongoing problem for a while, for a good year if not longer. I know of many, many of my followers who ended up leaving because they weren't ever given the support (or not enough) you receive from your friends (which I am glad that you do, by the way), or people who hurt themselves as recently as this year and the dashboard barely slowed down.
The point of this post is not to say "nobody ever helps anyone ever." Rather, it's to say that the way things used to be was more personal than things are now. People had more respect for individuals feeling badly back when I started. I don't think the world must stop, but if someone hurts themselves and comes back and sees that nobody batted on eye on the dashboard when they said they were feeling badly, what kind of message does that send? Why should that person come back when the impression they receive, whether true or otherwise, is that they do not matter?
That's what I'm addressing. That the attitude has, by comparison, grown more apathetic towards people and their personal problems and has become more geared towards the roleplaying and less towards peers in the community.
[ I have been struggling with deciding whether or not to make this post for weeks, now, and I've finally decided to go ahead and do it and deal with whatever consequences come my way later. There is something going on in the Pandora Hearts roleplay community that desperately needs addressing, something very close to my heart. ]
[ There are some really gross behaviors and habits running rampant, and they need to stop. ]
I have always been a firm believer in the "my blog = my space" mantra that some people subscribe to. So long as you are not causing damage to people, your space is yours to play with as you wish. If you want to do nothing but NSFW, that's okay. If you want to do nothing but fluff, that's okay. If you want to roleplay only pairings or even just a certain pairing, that's okay.
It's your blog. Make it okay for you. Make it something you enjoy and love and want to return to day in and day out. That's okay.
What is not okay is using and abusing your peers in the community.
Honestly, I'm disgusted by a lot of the behavior and treatment that I've heard of as of late.
I am no longer a member of the roleplay community. I left about a month ago after a long struggle with myself, and right now I have no plans to continue or ever come back.
When I started out in the Pandora Hearts fandom, I thought I had struck gold. I was a college student who was severely questioning gender identity and sexual orientation who comes from a very conservative, religious household. I had nobody to talk to or explore with or feel any sense of camaraderie with, and it was terrifying. I struggled with (and still do) with liking myself and being kind to myself. I starved myself because my mother's only compliment for me was, "You're so skinny" and meant "You're so pretty" every time she said it. I ripped open my skin with my nails and hurt myself until I was bloody and bruised and sobbing because I disliked my body and the soul living inside it. Everything about me felt wrong, and it felt like there no one to help me.
Being in the community helped me. There were people here who helped me. I met other transgender and genderqueer and questioning people when I started here and found a support group for that. People didn't hate me when I came out here. People didn't think I was disgusting or some sort of pervert or sexual predator because I was transgender. I live in a transphobic household where I'm misgendered on a daily basis, even while out publicly, now. This was my safe place. This community has been such an amazing part of my personal growth that I can't even find the words for it. I have people I think of as siblings, people who will be lifelong friends, and even someone I've fallen in love with.
I wouldn't be here typing this today if it was not for those people keeping me going because I would have easily killed myself this past year if they hadn't been there, and this community is responsible for bringing them into my life.
Back when I started in the community about two years ago, there was this amazing sense of something that's startlingly lacking now: community. You aren't obligated to like everyone or roleplay with everyone or interact with everyone, but one of the great and beautiful things about the community back then was everyone at least looked out for each other. If someone went missing or was hurting for any reason, people put out alerts with links to their inboxes and requests for everyone to please send that person good vibes and words of encouragement and thoughts and prayers and anything else. Everyone banded together to make sure that person was okay because that person was one of our own, and everyone was important. Everyone mattered. You didn't know that person, but you wanted that person to be okay and healthy and safe. It was loud and public and screamed, "We care! You are loved and you matter!" because we didn't want to leave any room for doubt.
Back then, the entire dashboard seemed to freeze up. Roleplaying stopped. People dropped whatever they were doing or plotting and went to try and help that person, tried to contact them, tried to help build them back up again when life had torn them down.
Now it's like... it doesn't matter.
When people are feeling down, everything just... continues. People carry on as if nothing at all is happening.
Roleplaying has officially become more important than the people doing the roleplaying, and I think this is a serious issue.
"But not everyone is that way!" Maybe, but if you know there are problems going on in a community and you say nothing, you are a passive observer and you are allowing the problems to continue. And, like it or not, that makes you part of the problem, too, even if you aren't actively mistreating or hurting others.
If you just look at those things without saying anything, you are part of the problem.
I have never, never seen so many new members leave because they're feeling insecure or "not needed" or "not necessary." And no, I don't think it's people falling back into roleplaying with familiar people as the reason why. Is it part of it? I'd think so. I won't say yea or nay on that because, again, if you made a blog just to roleplay with your friends, you are free to do so.
(And, especially lately, sometimes the only people who can provide a safe place for you in this community are your friends. And that's sad that people only feel comfortable with people they know won't shit on them because others have shit on them before and they're too frightened or tired or abused to try risking it again.)
What makes these people leave, what makes them feel "not needed" and "not necessary" is when they are having those moments of insecurity, and nobody goes to help them. People just scroll by those posts where they allude to how depression or home woes or just general dark feelings because they don't want to "deal" with other people's troubles.
Well, you know what? You're in a goddamn community. It's not "dealing" with people. They're not "problems." They're not "issues." They're fucking human beings who need to be cared about and looked after and checked up on.
Because when that moment comes when you finally decide that something needs to be done, when you can be bothered to look up from your roleplay, it will probably be too late. That person might hurt themselves. That person might kill themselves. Maybe they'll only leave the community, but either way, you are risking losing someone in this place that we're still calling a "community." We've already lost people, and many of them were good, wonderful, talented people who felt ostracized or that they as people didn't matter because they had to take a break and came back to find themselves replaced by someone new.
There are fucking people behind those computer screens. They're not that character. They're a person, an actual living, breathing person. They have thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams and fears of their own. They are not yours to use and abuse and throw away when they're not giving you what you want anymore. They are not yours to guilt-trip and manipulate and trap in unhealthy situations because you want ~your OTP~.
People have become so self-absorbed in getting what they want that they're disregarding the people they're roleplaying with and treating them as disposable and it's fucking gross. People are picking up and dropping new "officials" like they're fashion trends, treating their old partners like trash, and then expecting for them to just leap at the chance to write with them again because they're suddenly useful again.
"Useful."
You're suddenly relevant again because you fit a role or need from someone who dropped you before. Like you're some sort of commodity. Like you're something they can just pick up and drop on a whim.
Fucking gross.
These people are not your tools for writing. They are not your dolls to play with and put down because you got a shiny new toy. They are not yours to use. They are not yours period. So stop treating people like they are your possessions that you own and can do with as you please and cry and throw tantrums when they're tired of you treating them like shit, that they're finally fed up with your mistreatment and find the courage to say something.
Does this post piss you off? Are you angry at me for making it? That's fine. It's something that needs to be said. People are so busy patting each other on the back while simultaneously sweeping these issues under the rug that most of the fandom will probably be really bloody confused about this post entirely because they had no idea it was going on, and if I have to be the person to pull it out from everyone to bring them to light then so be it. But before you get all pissy at me, maybe you should think about why you're angry.
Because maybe if you're offended or uncomfortable or feel like I'm "bursting your bubble" or "stirring up drama" by saying these things, maybe it bothers you because there's a ring of truth, a pang of guilt, because maybe, just maybe, you're getting offended because you know I'm talking right at you.
And if that offends you, if that bothers you, then maybe you need to reevaluate how you treat others and finally fucking grow up and change.
This community is not your toy box, and the people in it are not your toys.
[ Updated and modified my rules a wee bit. (I noticed I had some dated links. Whoops!) Hello to my new followers! Feel free to come talk to me whenever, whether here or on my personal. c: ]
Any rational person would look at himself(???) and wonder how in this great green world such a thing could be possible without the aid of a mirror, but poor Gilbert wasn't concerned over trivialities like the space-time continuum and the universe ending as we know it.
(It kept his brain free to fret over far more important matters.)
And what an overactive and self-indulgent imagination that must be, to dream up a tiny hoard of masters all dead-set on giving him attention. Mischief, of course, but still attention.
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