I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with the idea of Compulsory Heterosexuality, especially in wondering whether they might be a lesbian, and what the signs of compulsory heterosexuality are. I decided to make this post, to help out anyone who might need it.
Some of these signs might apply more to bi-identifying women, and some of them might apply more to straight-identifying women. I asked both lesbians who used to think they were straight about their experience with comp het and lesbians who used to think they were bi about their experience with comp het, and of course added my own experiences. Warnings: mentions of sex and sexual fantasies, but nothing graphic.
EDIT/DISCLAIMER: In hindsight, the intro to this post clearly only addresses questioning lesbians and frames compulsory heterosexuality as a lesbian-only experience. That’s not true. I regret not including bi women when making this post, that was stupid and a big mistake, and I’m really, really, really sorry. My original reply to the person who addressed their concerns were rude and inappropriate, and I apologise for that too.
Bi women face just as much stigma as lesbians while navigating this world. Compulsory heterosexuality affects bi women to the extent of having a really hard time realising, recognising, accepting and expressing their attraction to women. If you, so to say, tick all of the boxes indicating attraction to women, but none of the boxes indicating no attraction to men (or if you’re absolutely certain you’re attracted to men), you might be bi! That’s absolutely wonderful, and there’s a great community for you who will welcome and accept and love you. You can still be bisexual if you’ve only or never been with anyone of the same gender before. You can still be bisexual if you’ve only or never been with people of a different gender before. Bisexuality is not fake, it’s not transphobic, and it’s not greedy. Bisexual is not a dirty word and you are beautiful.
Special thanks to michael @snugly and all other bloggers that answered my questions and let me use their content for this post - your advice, patience and generosity means a lot to me.
You might be attracted to women/not attracted to men if:
You wish you were a lesbian so you could escape the discomfort of dating men.
Men are okay in theory but terrible in practice.
You feel like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman.
You feel like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman.
You lose interest in a man as soon as they seem interested in you - very common.
You find yourself trying to be romantically or sexually appealing to men even if you’re not interested in them.
As a child you always thought you’d either never get married or platonically marry a friend.
You can’t imagine having a happy and fulfilling future with a man.
You feel like you’re performing your attraction to men, for yourself and/or other people.
You expect relationships with men to be unfulfilling by default.
You like the idea of men being attracted to you, but you dislike the idea of being attracted to men.
You dislike being attracted to men in general.
You only notice the attractiveness of a man when someone else points it out.
You think your feelings for women don’t count, or that all women have feelings “like that” but that they’re not valid because you think it’s a phase everyone goes through.
You don’t want to date men, but you feel like you have to.
You think that because you could survive dating, marrying, and/or having sex with a man, you’re attracted to men (hint: you don’t have to settle for just surviving).
You think it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men.
The men in your fantasies are faceless or symbolise an emotion.
You don’t like fantasising about men. After fantasising about men you feel uncomfortable or wrong.
When fantasising about men, you’re not really into the man in your fantasy, or the fantasy itself. You imagine another woman in place of yourself or imagine that you’re the man in the fantasy.
Lesbian or gay feels like the label for you but you still doubt yourself for whatever reason.
You’re only attracted to fictional men, celebrities, or man that are completely unattainable (i.e. your teacher, gay men, men in established relationships). Basically, you only like men if it’s impossible for them to like you back - very common.
You prefer/are exclusively attracted to “feminine” men, (i.e. men that wear traditionally feminine clothing, have traditionally feminine behaviors or appearances, and like traditionally feminine things) basically you only like men if they’re “womanly” enough.
You’re repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”.
You think you might commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when the time comes to escalate it.
When you do escalate a relationship with a man, you do it mostly because you feel like he wants to, or because it’s the appropriate thing to doy.
You think your interest in seeing attractive women stems from the sexualisation and objectification of women in media.
You think all straight women feel attraction to women to at least some extent (hint: 100% straight women do exist).
You think you have to learn how to love men.
You find yourself wishing you were a lesbian because it’d be so much easier to just be with women for the rest of your life.
You think men-attracted women over-exaggerate their attraction to men and you can’t comprehend finding a man as attractive as they do.
You can’t imagine being so invested in a man/relationship with a man or valuing a man/relationship with a man as much as men-attracted women.
You dread the idea of a future with a man.
Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men (there’s something specific about same-gender attraction that any form of it is just more relatable than different gender attraction).
You think you just have to give men a chance.
You feel very uncomfortable reading or watching m/f erotica, or even just general m/f romantic interactions.
Other people tell you you’re acting like an over-invested lesbian ally or you feel like you are acting like an over-invested lesbian ally.
You think your relationships with men don’t work out because you’re bad at relationships in general.
You think you just have high standards and that’s why you don’t want to date any men.
You think you’re just a late bloomer and will be attracted to men eventually.
You just. Pick a dude at random to be attracted to.
The only men you’re attracted to are those who hurt you, harass you, or abuse you.
You think it’s impossible for lesbians to have a happy future with women but you think you could be the exception to the rule (this ties in with internalised homophobia).
Do you love them because they’re your boyfriend or are they your boyfriend because you love them? If it’s the first, you might not actually be attracted to them.
You go through past memories trying to prove your attraction to men (”But I had a boyfriend when I was 13!”).
You put yourself through having romantic or sexual relationships with men to prove to yourself and other people that you’re attracted to men.
You know that lesbians exist but you think you can’t possibly be one of them because if you were, you’d know already - very common.
You think you’re attracted to men but just don’t want to date them.
You don’t like kissing/touching/having sex with your husband/boyfriend or you’re not attracted to your husband/boyfriend but it must be because he’s not the one for you (or another excuse).
Most of your experiences with men are/were men being attracted to you, and you sort of going along with it.
You only develop attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to them.
You find yourself wishing you could just have one hot fling with a woman just to try it out, or fantasise about it.
You think attraction is just “not being disgusted by a man”.
You enjoy consuming f/f erotica a lot more than any other type, and find fantasising about women a lot more satisfying than any other fantasy.
You crave “platonic” physical contact with your female friends but wish that men would just leave you alone.
You’re only attracted to men whose attention would somehow be profitable (i.e. men in positions of power such as your boss).
Deciding who to be attracted to, or asking people who you should crush on.
You try to pursue your feelings for other women through going on “platonic dates” with women and “practising on women”.
You think you’re too young/busy to be attracted to men or have a fulfilling relationship with a man.
“I would totally date [x woman] if they were a guy!! ! !!”
You have abstract crushes that you don’t actually want to progress into romantic and/or sexual relationships - very common.
You date men because it’s what you’re supposed to do, and stay with them because you can’t find a good reason to break up.
You really want to be a lesbian and only date women but feel like you can’t because of some lingering, vague idea of attraction to men, but the idea of dating a man is distressing, gross, upsetting, boring, unsatisfying or makes you feel trapped.
Being very specific with the men you’re “interested” in but having absolutely no type when it comes to girls because they’re all so beautiful.
Your favourite character in every show is that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (examples: Shego from Kim Possible, Spinelli from Recess, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).
You wish your boyfriend/husband was more like a female friend.
You can flip on your attraction to men like a switch - very common.
These are the most common signs of comp het, but there are other ways comp het manifests than just these ways! You don’t have to relate to all of these to identify as a lesbian.
You might be reading this and start to question yourself. This is okay. I recommend emerging yourself in sapphic content to normalise the idea of f/f attraction. Try reading f/f (fan)fiction or novels, watching films and/or tv shows with f/f couples, and following some lesbian/sapphic themed accounts here on tumblr and other platforms (beware of terfs! check a persons account befor you follow them). Other than that, I’d like to assure you that even though you currently have a boyfriend, a husband, or had one in the past, that this does not make you any less of a lesbian. If you’ve had sex with men, you’re not any less of a lesbian. You can still be a lesbian if you’re a trans woman or a nonbinary woman-aligned person, or if you feel connected to womanhood through your love of other women. Lesbian is not a dirty word and you are beautiful.
If you have any further inquiries or questions, don’t hesitate to shoot me an ask! I’ll be happy to answer all of them.
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