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I keep thinking "maybe I should start going for girls" but I hate girls too. I hate everyone. I wish I was a lemon. Then I'd be made into some lemony treat like lemonade or lemon meringue, make someone really happy and then cease to exist.

break-up playlist

1) I know it's over - The Smiths 2) Never had no-one ever - The Smiths 3) THE WHOLE FOR EMMA, FOREVER AGO ALBUM - Bon Iver 4) Still - Daughter 5) Lifeforms - Daughter 6) Dope - Lady Gaga 7) Black Beauty - Lana Del Rey 8) You're gonna love me - Lana Del Rey 9) Never let me go - Lana Del Rey 10) Hollywood's Dead - Lana Del Rey 11) Most Lana Del Rey songs tbh (Damn you, without you, ultraviolence, shades of cool, blue jeans, dark paradise etc) 12) Aneurysm - Nirvana 13) Heartbreak Hotel - Elvis Presley 14) Toothpaste Kisses - The Maccabees (this one is making me sob so hard idek) 15) Chained - The XX (and this one) 16) Fiction - The XX 17) Angels - The XX 18) Together - The XX 19) Hurricane Drunk - FATM 20) There is a light that never goes out - The Smiths Ended off with that one because it is the most painful to listen to. But it's beautiful.

You may or may not be wondering why I'm so sad about this when I was the one who ended it. If I didn't end it, he would have. We didn't speak much after or argue or talk about feels so I have zero closure and am beginning to think the whole thing was an elaborate, cinematic lie. Also, I still love him. So there's that.

What you are actually witnessing is the chronicles of this break up. I'm sorry. I haven't slept so I am as crazy now as I was at 3am. My arm is full of blood and I'm wearing a flower crown. I'm so artiste even in sadness hahahahhaha.

"minor" heart break.

I'm in tears. It hurts when you tell someone you think loves you how much pain you're in and they can say nothing. Literally nothing. Or they don't take you seriously, idk what was going on in their mind at the time but I was expecting something. Anything. He watched me hurt myself, he watched me cry, he knew all my secrets and all he did was watch. He never said anything. He just said "sorry" on the odd occasion. He could never do anything. He never tried to help me. I'd just cry. I'd just fall apart, while he watched. He watched my whole life you know, he just stood there. I was screaming in pain, metaphorically, and he would look kind of agitated and say "I'm sorry. I don't know what to feel." He made me apologise for my feelings, he made feel guilty. I don't know how that was love. I was just so in love that I let myself be hurt. And I always do that. I always put myself last. He didn't even apologise for hurting me. I asked him why and he said "you say all those things and I have to apologise?" Regardless of what I said when I broke up with him, I wished he'd just understood that I was in agony when I said those things. I was feeling hugely rejected and, as a woman especially, that made me crazy. I haven't been taking meds, I'm a little frazzled and there's nothing I can do about my mental illness. I always had to say sorry that I wasn't strong enough for him, but I felt it weird that I had to do that. How can I apologise for things I can't control? My depression and issues are not really my fault. I tried my best, yet he couldn't even say he was sorry he did that. He had nothing to say. And that wasn't the worst part you know, it was the realisation that he didn't care. He couldn't care less. I'd made him angry, bruised his ego and he couldn't be bothered with me and my broken heart. That's sad. Someone makes you love them so much that you try to trust them and of course, as everyone does, they hurt you and then they wonder why you're so angry and crazy, why you can't trust anyone. It's just this awful cycle. He seemed so perfect and then he just ruined me. Everyone scares me now. I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore. I don't understand why this happens to me. I thought I had been doing everything right, I thought I was loving him enough and showing him how much I love him in everything I did. I thought he understood how difficult it is for me to trust people and that the trust I had in him was so rare and special (?), I thought he knew not to fuck with that, because I am fragile. Maybe he did know all those things and he simply didn't care. It is not uncommon for men to say they love you and not wholly mean it. I'm a fool. I'm hurt. I'm pathetic. I'm just torn up. I said some really horrible things to him, I did. But I thought he'd at least admit to some stuff, and apologise for the pain he caused me. He couldn't possibly think I was the only wrong one in all of this? However he does, and that hurts me even more. That I loved him no matter what and was always there and he just disregarded all of that. Does he believe he has no faults? Or am I insane? Maybe he is completely perfect and I've just changed it around in my head? It was just nice, I suppose, to tell people he had a girlfriend. Like "I did it, and all of you thought I couldn't." I was objectified the whole time. How do you... How do you trust anyone? After being repeatedly hurt? How does anyone trust anyone. This may seem dramatic, but I'm honestly so shocked and confused. I cry every night and I still love him, sadly. And he's alright. He's just fine.

I have come here to vent. Not feeling very stable, and I have no friends to talk to. In a fair amount of pain. I do apologise.

a letter to my psychologist

Dear Annie I'm writing this letter to read out loud to you, because I feel that I have so much to say and it just never gets said in sessions, because I don't have words or I don't feel comfortable enough to speak. I just feel as though I don't speak as much as I should and want to - the whole reason I wanted to see a psychologist was to have someone listen to me, with patience and kind eyes, because I don't have that in general and am always the one caring and looking out for other people. I don't mind doing this, but sometimes it's hard to be no-one's first priority. Even with my mom, it's like I come second or third. No-one cares about, has time to or wants to listen to me. I am always getting interrupted and being shown that my problems, thoughts and feelings are unimportant. And today I just want to be heard, for once, properly. I never feel okay, I'm not mature and I'm not stable. I don't understand why my life is the way it is, I don't understand why no-one cares about me or why no-one seems to value my existence. It's not asking for much, to have just one person care about you. I am past thinking it's arrogant to want that - I don't want it, I need it. I need love from anyone really. It's a little pathetic, but it isn't arrogant. I am so tired of suppressing my thoughts and feelings or being told I'm wrong. I need someone to hear, and when they listen GENUINELY care about what I'm saying and my well-being. The thing that scares and excites me the most is that I crave death. How can everything feel so hopeless and lost to me that I want to die? Well it does. Everything is hard. Life is hard. I'm in constant pain, the sort of pain that only death could take away. Death, or hard drugs. I fantasize about death all the time. I google ways to die frequently. I enjoy the thought of death, and the ease it may bring. I enjoy feeling pain actually. Although life is hard and painful, there's a weird, scary part of me that relishes it and wants to nurture the pain, grow it. Even my mind wants me to die. It's so strange to me, that if I get hurt, or I hurt myself, there's a normal reaction, but a lingering desire for more of it, or just a general enjoyment thereof. I don't know why I feel that way. Half of me despises the pain and the other half wants more and more. Its a weird thing, it's destroying me I think. I can't accept love. I don't have many friends and I can't have proper relationships with anyone because of this deeply rooted paranoia I have, where no-one loves me and if they say they do it's a lie. I'm just constantly messing up friendships and relationships for myself because I can't accept or believe and I torture myself in that way and I don't even know why. I just don't believe that anyone could truly love me, because I'm awful, ugly and needy sometimes, or cold, or bipolar and I push everyone away so they do not fall victim to my insanity. Or I warp and twist things around in my head and it's not even real. Sometimes I think I'm lying to myself and then I wonder if that in itself is a lie, and what is the truth? And I get confused and angry and curl up in a ball on the floor because life is eerie and I can't figure myself out because maybe I'm a liar or there's a part of me that isn't me, a darkness inside that's controlling everything and I can't tell it to stop I don't even know what it's doing, and if maybe it's just me and I'm crazy. Why do people think mentally unstable people are "looking for attention"? Do they not realise what it's like to fuck up your own life and happiness because your brain is not functioning properly, and what it's like to have that destroy you and everything you have? I wish I was skinny and beautiful, because I honestly feel that if I was, I wouldn't care about silly things and make myself sadder with every pathetic thought I have. I hate food, I wish my body didn't want it and just lost all the fat. I wish that I could take something that would make me thinner. Because I really believe that being skinny is going to make me happier. But not eating is so difficult and I hate myself for eating. I really don't want to have a relationship with my dad I hate him so much. He is such a pretender, he's pathetic and he doesn't even care. He doesn't know me, he doesn't understand anything and he's ruined my life. I wish someone would erase him from my memory. I wish I never had to see or speak to him. He says that he's going to try and make things right with us, but as I suspected, he's given up already. He just doesn't have time for me. He's just a waste of emotion. I have this constant urge to bash my head against a wall, in hopes to crack my skull and let everything out. Let all the pain and fog and smoke out of my brain so I can function properly. Or I wish I could die. I wish I could throw myself off a building or melt my liver into a pile of goo or set myself on fire. I just want to die so much, that it scares me and upsets me because I can't. I don't know what I need exactly, but if I want to live properly I just need someone to care about me for starters. I just want someone to understand, and make everything stop hurting.

For S

Happy, tired hands, hands of accomplishment, brush delicately over the petals. The product of the sun and his heart and the beautiful ideas within. The flowers look up, sky gazing and he watches them, with an indescribable sadness. The sadness, much like his own flowers, deeply rooted in the floor of his fragile heart, growing and growing. But there is no sun, and the flowers are mould. As the darkness inside gets bigger so does the sadness, and the more sadness there is, the more tears. Overwhelmed by the greatness and depth of his misfortune, he looks back at the flowers who are happily dancing in the soft, warm breeze and dazzling sunlight. Their prosperity will calm him momentarily, but there is a pain looming. A frightening pain that eats at his soul when he leaves them. A pain that pushes him down a rabbit hole, where he falls almost eternally, spiralling out of control, blinded by a kaleidoscope of horrifying patterns which make him numb to everything except fear, the sort that could make one insane. Longing to make it all stop he claws at his eyes, chest, skull, trying to find the source. Eyes, chest, skull. Searching. Eyes, chest, skull. All of them intruded by a tumour, growing poisonous, knocking the breath out of him. It seems that there will never be light. It seems that the end of the pain is the destruction of his own existence. There are seeds left, he remembers, from the flowers that once grew happiness inside. He feels them, finding ground in his heart. Seeds of hope. Tormented and tired, he opens his eyes to find the light that will grow the seeds. Crying and shivering at the bottom of the rabbit hole, he allows himself a tiny smile.

#short story #destruction #happiness #hope #pain

I am a traveller. I have been journeying sixteen years, with perserverance and wonder, to awaken in reality. A reality I don’t know much of, but intrigues me anyway.

I am a terrestrial idiosyncrasy, walking through life oxymoronically, hoping to be a kind of luminary (Ha! Poetry). This is the essence of my journey – my destiny is in my name, and this compels me to inspire. I am liberated by inspiring others, saving lives in round-about ways if you will. It sounds grandiose, doesn’t it? But I try, rather than actually achieve. I don’t know how many people I have “saved”, I only hope that I have. Not in the Superman sort of way. Think of it as a butterfly effect.

I prefer to immerse myself in the sky when there is an obstacle in my way that frustrates me. I find comfort here, travelling and dreaming, but also answers camping out beside the road, star gazing. Giving up is no option. I have a compass, a fairly worn out old thing, which I follow to the best of my ability; it says north I go north, it says south… sometimes I go south-west. If it is a wrong turn I cannot turn back, I know this. But there is always a turn off up ahead, I remind myself patiently. No, not patiently. I am a woman; I am emotional and bothered by little things. While I get frustrated because I cannot be devoid of emotions, my emotions keep me strong. It fuels my passion for artistry, my desire to paint the entire world with my thoughts… it makes this road seem less empty, less long. It is a dirt road. The sky is always pink, the air warm. Sometimes I am not in control and everything is dark; I hate it when I cannot see where I am going. I get distracted by what is ahead or above, forget to look down and trip in earnest. I try remembering to focus on the now, to not back, but I do. There is a soothing nostalgia though it seems eerie in the distance. I must learn from the darkness.

The elf owls that flit through the shadows in the trees beside me make for good company but sometimes we do not understand each other. I listen to their dreams and they fly away to fulfill them. Few stay long and I find myself alone with my thoughts. I want to share them with the broken ones. You have seen them around. I have, sitting forlornly on the side of this dirt road, missing a star in their eyes. Among the stars I see every night and of all the galaxies I have travelled, I know there is a star that belongs in your eye. Very slowly, they get up. They turn around, wave (something in the shy smiles that make my heart burst with happiness), and set off continuing their own journey.

I see my journey continuing for years to come. I see myself saving the world in some small way, along the way.

liimaz x.

#Lii Maz #Journey #Elf owls #dirt road #dreams #thoughts