Happy Anniversary, Self. π·
I was there. Alone. Crying so hard I could feel my breath choking. Screaming silently in pain and my heart bursting in grief. Everything was dark and devastating. I did not know what to do when the love of my life told me that it's over.
I was there. Alone and Lonely.
One year ago, fate had its way against me. Life served me an unimaginably excruciating way of bursting my bubble when I thought I had it all figured out. It has been a year of emotional circus within myself. The first three months were the hardest, I thought I wouldnβt make it through the journey. I can vividly remember all those wasted nights and crappy hangover mornings. I attempted to stay away from being sober, so the real world wouldn't have to kick in. It was emotionally tiring that I refused to wake up to another sunrise, yet even sleep didn't do much anymore. I tried to just live and float through days, weeks, and months; keeping my soul and body together was my biggest accomplishment. I spent most of my time drowning in circles with all my why's - Why did it all fall apart? Why do I have to go through this pain again? WHY ME? My mind knew better but my heart desperately believed that there's still something I could do about it, that I can fix it and bring everything back in shape.
I've done regrettable mistakes. Pain consumed me. Drama happened. I woke up each morning with the same sadness and frustration from yesterday, I felt like the world was insanely draining me. I never trusted myself when it comes to dealing with a heartbreak, yet I was left with no choice but to face what was there blocking my way - REALITY. I had to stop denying and start accepting that nothing can be changed. I had to be brave enough to pick up the shattered pieces of me. I had to push myself far enough to reach the level of strength to cope with the daily battles. And it was all nothing but a struggle, barely a survival. Well, I guess it's not a clichΓ¨, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.Β
I can't say that I'm a hundred percent fine, because I'm not. There are days when I'm genuinely okay, but there are also moments when it just snaps back, the invisible weight of the past that is haunting me whenever I try to look at myself in the mirror. I see a girl with a lot of trust issues, rebuilding a wall higher than it was before. A guarded heart. A heartbeat that does not beat the way it used to. A mind so aware and refuses to hold onto something good yet, again, temporary.
But hey, I made it.
It's been a year of self discovery. I didn't realize that all along there's this bucket list of things I wanted to explore until I had to be on my own. Little things that I had no idea would matter. Little things that I wouldn't be able to notice if the plot twist did not happen. My one-year-ago self was so blinded, held on to my comfort zone for so long, rejected every adventure that could've been. Change frightened me and kept me away from stretching beyond the dimensions. When I finally let my feet step across the line, I learned to loosen up and give in to spontaneity. I got inked (my tattoos have a deep meaning for me, btw), I learned how to drive a car (which was never on my list before), I gained new friends (and got closer to my old ones), I became more bonded with my family, and my love for writing came back. It isn't that bad to live in the present (and leave the past behind) after all. True enough, failures are blessings in disguise.
Little by little. Day by day.
Everything's different now since last year. Unexpected things don't surprise me anymore, sudden turn of events barely ticks my emotions. I manage to keep my cool in tight situations. I learned to be patient and to trust the timing of my life. I learned to walk away from the things that threaten my peace of mind and self worth. I keep growing because I decided to keep going. Most importantly, I fell in love with myself.
I am here now. I might be a work in progess, but I'm willing to endure the process knowing that everything gets better in time. I work on my self, for myself.
I am here now. I made it through the dark days.
β¨
Cheers, Self. You are one year Stronger. Wiser. Tougher. π·
07.02.2020
