How could those people done such a good job, in the same period as me?
Is it time managament? Task management? Honestly I have tried over and over again by why does the result still the same. Do I have to work 24/7 for the whole months of project? Am I that slow? I have a load of people on my team but why is this so hard…
There are still so many things to do and so little time…
There is this thought in my head, that everything that I do, write,or tell, are not right. Every time I did analysis (which is most of my job) I will think.." Does this really mean something?" "Does people care about what I'm saying?" "What do I even have to discuss?"
It's staggering how this is how I think, even though I did my Master's study. How did I do my assignments, exams, and thesis? I did it pretty well. Is this only an impostor syndrome? or do I really not now what I'm doing? It's worrying sometimes because it lead to nervousness which makes me procrasinate even more..
Honestly it’s super weird that I am now 27 years old.. Like how old is that?? I am quite happy this birthday because I got my loved ones praying for me and some gifts too. My sister bought food for birthday lunch at home and gave me awesome parfume that she ordered since last year😭 Have a quick call with kintan with a cupcake and candle. Nadira and Adis sent me cinnabon. My Dad contribute in buying me a new phone hehe. I’m so grateful. Last but not least! It’s my clearest skin ever since I’m back to Indonesia, because I just ate soft rice with no fried foods for a week due to my sickness lol. Great comeback.
Looking back to the whole month of February, it has been quite difficult for me work-wise. It was so stressful, that when I’ve had high fever I still need to work and it was awful. But the results came out to the right direction. It still need validation, and lots of changes here and there. But I have let my self go if I should work at night or at the weekends. It’s the only one that could keep me sane. Also, I came to realize that my job is better than several jobs I have interviewed with. It has a good support system and we appreciate each other a lot. I may not in a place where I really want to be right now because I don,t know where. It’s like questioning everything all over again after my Master. Sometimes I even feel like I need to talk about my life as a Master student, so it feels real. It is real. I should be proud of it. Maybe not everyone will care about what I do, but me, and a few of lovely people do.
You’ve decided to stay home, to stay on this path to connect your family. So stick through it, at least until you think it’s good enough. And maybe you also need to talk to someone professional about this, just so you won’t stressed out by yourself.
February 2023, you are stubborn and tense with a little bit of flowers. I hope more flowers will grown in March, then continue in the following months after!
Just finished reading: Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin. It's a book about making and breaking habits, with strategies that could be chosen based on people tendencies. I thought, it will be a waste to read this without (trying to) implementing it. Although I already did some of the strategies un/consciously, being more aware of my self is always a good starting point. So here I am trying to do the first step of improving my habits: self knowledge.
Gretchen observes four types of people in terms of how we act to expectations: 1. Upholder: responds to outer and inner expectations 2. Questioner: question all expectations, and only reacts to it if the answer is justified 3. Obliger: responds readily to outer expectations, but hard to keep track of inner expectations 4. Rebel: resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. But more likely to follow inner expectations
At first, I realize my self as an obliger. Easier to follow formal deadlines (school project, thesis meeting with supervisor) rather than internal deadlines (self-made milestones for the project or thesis), that's why I procrastinate a lot because the urge is there once the due is nearby. There are a lot of aspects of me connects to the obliger identity. I like to work at the library or cafe, where someone could SEE ME, hence I slack less knowing that people are around, it's one of my outer accountability. On the other hand, when it comes to exercise, I always like running but never consistent. It makes me not progressing, as if I monitored the progress anyway. But I always do it alone. Sure, I found it easier and more fun to run with a friend. I also realize that going running with someone makes me nervous sometimes because I cannot run that far yet. Okay I'm going everywhere now haha focus. I rely on inner expectations when it comes to things I believe will make my life, my body, or even my feelings better. For example, the exercise (now I do it regularly), eating healthier food (more nutritious breakfast, less oily lunch, healthier snack), reading a book, using skincare, and etc. I think this means I am a questioner as well in some aspects of my life, not all. Then if I wanna change something, I should ask my self first, which tendencies are you leaning towards in this matter?.
On the top of the tendencies, the author divided two categories of people in different subjects:
Am I a lark or an owl?
I thought I was a quarter-owl, because I did my work a lot at night (in working or in masters) but not so late until past midnight. You know what? I never liked or enjoyed it. I always wish I did it during the day so I would have my night time to rest and do other things. Most of the time I worked with half shut-down brain too. The thing is, I am a lark that sleeps like a koala. "I should go to sleep earlier" "But I still sleep 7 hours even if I slept at midnight!" That is the culprit. Yes, it is hard to change my habit into waking up earlier, it feels like my brain always sleeping around 10 AM after that. Surprising to me, I can still do a lot of things in the morning and work more efficiently with that sleepy brain. Morning sleepy-brain is better than the night one.
Am I a marathoner, a sprinter, or a procrastinator?
As bad as it sounds, I am a procrastinator, sadly. Trying to be a marathoner because sprinting will damage my heart.
Am I an underbuyer or an overbuyer?
Never think of my self this way, I am an underbuyer. I postpone (procrastinator much?) buying thing I NEED countless time. Shopping, especially online, drains me out. Even that I love looking at clothes, it stills tires me.
Am I a simplicity lover or and abundance lover?
Simplicity. My mind get foggy if my surrounding seem or sound like a mess.
Am I a finisher or an opener?
A finisher for food, and books. An opener for personal projects (scrapbook, blogspot posts -> obliger detected)
Am I a familiarity lover or a novelty lover?
I can say familiarity in limited time, then I need novelty once in awhile.
Am I a promotion-focused or a prevention-focused?
Prevention-focused on treating and connecting with people. Promotion-focused otherwise.
Do I like to take small steps or big steps?
Small steps. Of course "small" is subjective to each person.
I did answer this in my head while I was reading the book. There are things that I'm quite surprised but also things I've always known. Honestly, it's fun to get to know my self this way. See you again in the part 2, self! Thank you for spending time with me tonight.
It's funny these days. I'm always the person who never really plans ahead for too long. I think one thing at a time is enough. My mind could focus on one thing, then on sidelines, there are errands and little things I can do. But more than that, I couldn't get my head around it. I realize that this is also due to my procrastination, hence the important things are delayed further, creating less time to think about them. Who knows if it will backfire?
The world now living so fast, if you couldn't keep up, you'll lose. Either it's money, time, or your energy. I am constantly confused on balancing the pace because everyone's living in a different one. What would work for me? How do I think ahead of time without getting overwhelmed? I don't want to keep regretting the things I didn't do. I would like for once, I wrap around my eyes, ears, and mind to not think about other people and compare myself to them. How will you live your life, if you peek at others every time you had the chance to?
Whether you are in a plan in the sky, in the heart of a desert, or in the depths of a sea where no light can reach, God is with you. Everyone else may leave, everything else may break, but Allah will forever be your most faithful and intimate friend
p.8.
"Each moment contains a hundred messages from God. To every cry of 'Oh God', He answers a hundred times 'I am Here'" -Rumi
Do not ever think that because you cannot see God that He cannot see you. "Do not lose heart or grieve" (3:139), because even in the depths of your darkest nights your Lord is with you always, saying "I am near" (2:186)
When you can sleep in a nice bed, ate a good meal, have a place you call home, and any other blessings in your life right now.
Do you feel content?
Yes, even almost like I have little (or almost none) ambition for something. My life now is enough. I am studying what I like, covid situations is getting better, I have friends and family. What else should I not be grateful about?
The things is- I think I have not been grateful enough. I am still lazy from time to time. Yup. Lazy is the word. It's not burnout, or stress (well maybe a bit) but mostly it's laziness. My eyes are open but my brain is foggy, closing up. Or trying to escape somewhere at different places in the virtual world. It is panicking and rushing to do everything but the things I need to do.
I said this a lot of times. It will only bring disadvantages to you, my dear self. Please, every time your brain is struggling to stay in place, try to be still a little bit longer, and longer, and longer.... Do your best to fight the panicking inside, don't give up on it just in a glance.
Remember, "Allahumma inni a'udzubika minal hammi wal hazan, wa a'udzubika minal ajzi wal kasal, wa a'udzubika minal jubni wal buhl, wa a'udzubika minal kufri wal fuqr" - Ya Allah, lindungilah aku dari perasaan sedih dan malas,-tbc
You know, sometimes you can think about things in a less logical way.
You can be sad, be excited, be worried, be helpless, or be powerful, without really knowing why.
Sometimes your heart and body knows better than your brain. And that's alright.
Feel it without feeling guilty, for yourself, or for anyone.
The chair is not so high up that you could only give, because you need them too. It goes two way round.
So, everytime you find yourself incapable of doing something, ask for guidance. Ask for protection to feel capable again. Do not be tired to ask and talk. Allah SWT never sleeps, and you know that.
Hi. I have been writing negative things a lot here hehe I want to write the good things in my life as well.
This week, 2 friends of mine are leaving Sweden. One is Teresa, a sweet girl from Taiwan, that I met in the international reception group. At first she brought gifts for everyone in the group, with a cookie that taste exactly like Nastar! We went canoeing, swimming, island hiking together. One of my first friend in Chalmers :) She really did a wonderful job creating memories here. She went to Lapland to see the Northern lights, ski trip, and europe trip. I'm sad that we cannot hang out together again, but I'm thanking her for being my friend. Our last days are spent splendidly! We celebrated her birthday on Tuesday, with cakes and present and hotpot. Then on Wednesday, we had dinner in Tavolo, a fancy place she's always wanted to eat. After that we went to the office and watch movie while eating cake! Wonderful. We hugged and said this is a see-you-later goodbye 😭 I'm glad that she's near. Me and Jamie would like to visit her to Taiwan one day!
The other one is Joan, my flatmate from Spain. He's still in bachelor, I feel he almost like my cousin. He's the one I had conversation the most in this house😭. We mostly talked about food, food, and food. The food in Spain, in Indonesia. His parents went to Indonesia a long time ago, suprisingly. He had an Indonesian-Spain dictionary in his house. We would talked about how Spanish people would eat 5 times a day, and really late too, like they ate dinner at 9 pm or later. But so does me hahah I'm too lazy to make dinner on time so we always ended up eating together. And Spanish people are welcoming from the first so it's easy to talk to him. We never hang out outside the house though, I feel sometimes he doesn't want to hang out with me lol but I think he likes being by himself from time to time. Tonight is the last night, and we hung out in the kitchen, talking about geology😂 He is fascinated about rocks and he's showing me different photos of fossil he found in rocks. A ross here, everyone.
Wishing you guys a great future ahead. Hopefully you guys can get the masters you wanted! Thanks for filling my days in Gothenburg🤗
Not thinking about the greatest innovations, or good little thing that might be useful for anyone. Besides my course, projects, and exam, I've been questioning my self most of time. I feel like I'm always not enough. It's not that I want more, well sometimes I do. I know pretty well that those things wouldn't make me feel enough. This feeling is not about the world or what I have. It's about how I feel about me.
I think about it more often since the last year of I started working. In evaluation, I couldn't really tell what's my skill, or "positive feedback". I'm doing in the middle, willing to learn it all, but in medium skill. What's that gonna do? I mean I'm fine with not having super skill or genius brain.. Why I just never feel my self is good enough?
Even now in my class, I'm not stupid that I don't understand anything. I learn some stuff faster than some people. Again, why is that matter if I don't know where I'm going? I'm not even sure if I'm excited in this field anymore..I like it, really. But not in love with it that I wanna spend extra hours reading articles, watching videos or listening to podcast about it. After my assignments, I will just want to watch something fun..
My classmates are going to do internships this summer, sacrificing their summer holiday. They had been searching way before I started. I only apply to things that are offered to me before. And I need to move in the middle of it make me confused even more. Turned out there are some people who just take those 3 month internship even if they need to move. Could I be considered as lazy? I know their circumstances are different, they wanted to work in EU. They need to try from now. I will be back to Indonesia. At least I wanted to experience working here as well. Why couldn't I just enjoy my holiday? Even though I might cannot go anywhere because of covid but still I would plan something..
All these things affect my social so much. I get intimidated to talk to people, even one of my flatmate which does not make sense at all. Why would I feel that? I've been living with her for more than 6 months! I get intimidated by other people as well, although I know English is not their first language.
I should be doing fine. Why am I not?
This quarantine thing doesn't help at all, I just wanna get test and get it over with.
I just wonder how it feels to be proud of myself, once in a while..
“Why there is no one that like to hug me like you do?”
“............”
“Sis hug you earlier, Ma”
“Hm. True..”
“Maybe they have different way of showing their love”
“Maybe.”
I know I said that.
But I know more that you’re right
I know without you around, there is no one I can hug warmly in this house anymore
It’s not like I blame them
Some people just not feeling comfortable with physical touch
I......was right too.
I miss your hug Mama.
I haven’t give and receive a proper hug in months
Couldn’t see my friends, my needed dose of hugs, conversations, laughter, and other exciting things
Could things got back to normal, please? Could you go away corona?
Of course, we’re in quarantine, how could we see each other anyway?
That’s a bad joke haha
This is probably the weirdest Eid Day and Ramadhan ever.
We couldn’t go to mosque, meet our friends to have iftar together, go to i’tikaf on the last 10 nights, just....in our home.
Sure, there’s always another side of the coin. We can breakfast in our house everyday and focus on our ibadah. But it’s different. We’ve been home for 3 months. Within Ramadhan, emotions and stuggles were being challenged. Different opinions about this fake “new normal”. dissaprovements around us that involving a lot of people on the plate and all.
Finally, Eid comes.
We pray at Al Falah Mosque near Mami’s house. They put distance between the shaf, people wearing masks and close the mosque if it’s full ( a bit too late though). Then we got home, ate ketupat and went to Mami’s again. Oh and Mbak Rini were suppose to come home to get married this year. She wouldn’t come back and live with her husband. But she couldn’t go either to her hometown. The house was packed, the young ones were scared “what if we form a cluster????” the old ones calling us paranoid, make fun of social distancing and laugh without wearing a masks. If this is the end of the world, I accepted it. It’s not that bad though, we’re talking in good terms with Mami. That’s all that matter.
This is the second Eid without Mama. Still feels weird. I miss you everyday.
I also miss my friends, they have been my oasis in this world. Now mostly I see desert. But I am trying to make my own oasis here, turn the desert slowly with plants and understandings. You said you don’t want give up Mom. You said you want to help. So here I am.
Well, the stories has gotten everywhere. Happy Eid!
