rue

daughter of cain, amateur writer

[pulldrning]

writers block fears me

[pulldrning]

When You Leave

My head rhythmically rises and falls

As your chest expands with same air I breathe.

Whatever leaves is filtered through our lungs,

Becoming affection that fills the room and lingers in the air.

Whatever remains resides in our flesh

Together, density increasing,

Unnoticed and tender until you leave.

And when you do, I lie awake until it’s light again

My safety revoked, my body alone

I dip further and further into the mattress

Pulled down by the weight of your absence.

[pulldrning]

i still kick rocks when the walking is good

and pretend at the chain link that i am the wood

[phlegmfawn]

Silent Hill 2 (2001) dir. Masashi Tsuboyama // Vacillator by Ethel Cain (2025)

[pulldrning]

was about to sit down and write out my perverts rant but my dad just said he’s driving me to the local power plant and i can play ethel cain

[pulldrning]

just finished listening to perverts and i’m in so much shock. i want to make a properly worded post tomorrow since it’s currently 1:33 am but i am in love with it. i’ve never had such a raw and visceral experience, not since i listened to songs like august underground for the first time.

incredible !!!!!

[pulldrning]

hello! perverts comes out in just a few hours, here are some photos of me in my fav forest that remind me a lot of the perverts visuals.

i always found the idea of the ring, the divine theatre and proximity to god seemed within my reach more than ever when i was in this forest. it was cold and dark and the setting was so natural, i honestly miss this little period of my life very often. i’ve always considered myself agnostic, and after listening to hayden’s ideas about these concepts, i realised i found the concept i’d been trying to explain for so long.

happy pulldroning !

[pulldrning]

i was introduced to ethel cain through a fanfic blog on tumblr and it honestly feels right

[vacillator-deactivated20250323]

thinking about willoughby tucker

[pulldrning]

this blog ended before it started i promise i didn’t forget but a levels are a bitch. hopefully can have some more stuff to post soon !!!!!

[pulldrning]

simulacrum

i blink and the ground is a lot further away than it previously was.

where am i?

confused and bewildered, i crave the comforting embrace of my father.

i frantically glance at my surroundings, the cacophony of children’s laughter piercing my ears in a way it didn’t before.

in this room, many children ramble around with grins on their faces, playing and dancing like perfect flowers in the wind

the walls are too colourful, and the constant movement and noise is irritating me.

but there he is! staring right back at me, with that same smile that warmed my heart all those years ago.

i heave a sigh of relief, eyes already glazed over with tears of confusion.

but as i get closer, something begins to feel wrong.

the room becomes silent, save for my deliberate breaths

he’s staring straight through me.

and when i turn around. my eyes widen in shock at what i see

a simulacrum of me.

her soft hair flows down to her waist and bounces around as she races over to my father

my hair is brittle, and ends at my shoulders.

her eyes glitter with boundless curiosity

and a strong resolve i lost a long time ago

her beautiful white dress sways around and her skin is youthful and soft

whilst my clothing is tattered and creased,

and my skin is littered with craters and flaws.

i lose all feeling in my body upon realising what i’m faced with.

the only thing i have is my vision. the one thing i want to leave behind.

i don’t want to see this anymore. but i’m trapped in place, unable to even blink.

i can’t even clasp my hands in a desperate prayer

i have been eternally damned to look my greatest fear in the eyes

i try to cry out in order to defend my identity, but my voice has been stolen by the improved spectre

the warmth of the very blood than runs through my veins

has been taken by the perfect version of me.

and now, i am left hollow

soon to dissolve

into nothing.

as he lifts her up and holds her high,

causing her to giggle and squeal with excitement

i drop to my knees and attempt to exert what i’ve felt for so long

but my emotions drain from my body

causing my heavy tears dry up

and i remain frozen and unaccomplished forevermore

——————————————————————

[pulldrning]

light my way

sun, please hold me

make me feel like i’m surviving

because when you’re gone in the winter

the rain clouds drift into my mind

and fog up my thoughts

they make me shiver.

but sun, you tire me out at just the right time

and wake me up again when i’m feeling my best

your orange hue swallows me

and lets me feel your heat

your bright rays purify me when you baptise me in your light

and you help me breathe the pure, euphoric air of summer

because even though i’m alone in the night

i know that you will light my way

into a holier tomorrow

—————————————————

hai! i’ve been writing suuuper long and depressing stuff recently and wanted to take a break and talk about how nice the weather is at the moment LMAO pls enjoy

[pulldrning]

seesaw

i sit down and am immediately propelled into the air

i feel the rapid breeze fly through my hair

the chill kisses my skin, and allows me to feel somehow warmed by its low climate

in this position, i am above anything else i can imagine.

but naturally, a child’s weight is never a match for a seesaw.

i’m uplifted.

when i look down, the ground draws me in

it is dull and dreary

black marks run through it, concrete and stone haphazardly stuck together

made to look real

this illusion fools me. i maintain my high spirits

because unfortunately, the carefully draining hue of the sun blinds me from reality

when i grow, i am no longer elevated.

i am on the ground.

with the shattered tracks and dull cracks

because the seesaw cannot hold me anymore.

my memories drag me down

i sit on the end of the rusted seesaw, gazing at the blackened ground below me with smoke coursing through my lungs.

now, years later, i’m fully aware i can never achieve the height i once did.

but i still question the logic of this strange situation.

how can i be dragged down by my heavy mind when it still feels so empty?

i look up. the other end of the board is deserted.

permanently cursed to hang in the air whilst i alone weigh it down.

i am the last scrap of life left.

i am the last hope of joy returning to this desolate place.

but i breathe the fumes of the past. i close my eyes and still grasp the last flicker of the only remaining streetlight before the area goes dark.

as much as i want to defy the odds i received,

i am helpless.

so i drop my head and bathe in the dreams of a perfect balance

blinded by the depth of my troubles, i don’t notice the silhouette that passes the gate to the park. as she does so, the smoke around her begins to clear.

her small frame strolls over the cracked ground and stands next to the seesaw.

i become aware of the presence when the seesaw gives one final screeching cry as the apparition pulls it down and takes a seat.

and as she does so, i feel myself rise at a graceful and comfortable speed.

the rust is withdrawn from the metal, and the smoke dissipates before it reaches my lungs.

although this isn’t the highest i’ve been, i feel elevated beyond anything i’ve felt before.

i look up. i breathe the fresh air of the present, and disconnect myself from the smoke of the past.

she somehow makes herself solid, and i gaze at her in awe.

she smiles.

a silence sits between us. but it’s one of understanding.

i don’t have any questions. why would i? the emptiness i once felt has been replaced by warmth and the joy i thought i’d lost.

and by looking at her smile, i know she feels the same way.

we finally reached our balance.

—————————————————

hai this is the first poem i’m posting!was gonna post a short one to start but i can’t help myself i just love to yap and am too attached to the narrative to omit anything

maybe i should try short stories instead LMAO