pulling heaven down

cf @casketscratch. DID and trauma-related posts. Trying to be a real boy. Mostly a bad dog.

[pullingheavendown]

Blah blah blah.

Folks she did it again. Weeks of telling her that humidity triggers my asthma and to turn on the goddamn AC, gaslighting, bullshit, and me ripping my hair out until last night, when she admitted she didn’t believe me, was trying to see if she could trigger asthma on purpose, and was sure I only “felt” that humidity in the house was an issue. Weeks. Weeks of me having to prove what I say is true and that I suffer because of it. Weeks of writing down everything so I had proof and receipts when she inevitably made up evidence to use against me.

All of this is stupid and would be solved by TAKING WHAT I SAY ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH SERIOUSLY.

In related news the ongoing battle to prove to my alleged caretaker that I say things I mean, don’t lie every day, and am not waging a war to take advantage of her has triggered an official OCD diagnosis. I either spend all day every day anticipating her next bullshit, self-assessing how I spent every moment of the day in light of “how can she use this against me and am I prepared to defend myself?” until it’s easier to just not do things, and it’s now it’s a fucking Diagnosis ✌️and losing me friends, but what else is new.

Fuck ass world and fuck ass people in it. I don’t care anymore. I save myself. Again. Alone. And again.

[pullingheavendown]

And more and more and more of the same, the same, the same

[paper-wounds]

[pullingheavendown]

Doin’ great, by the way.

[pullingheavendown]

I did an inadvisable amount of shrooms as a Hail Mary to fix my triggered goddamned psyche the other day.

Cut for hookups/drug mentions.

I spent it completely blacked out and in a headspace I recognized from dreams I have every night and forget upon waking. I have one note in my phone from it about how I recognized every ghost. I have a few broken memories of reliving severe flashbacks and feeling them happening physically, and honestly just spontaneously orgasming repeatedly while crying for my abuser. Don’t do drugs! But there was also the sudden awareness that there is a She, the alter we’ve been fighting to live with for months. And repressing for months.

And the instant we tried to let her breathe a little bit, we’re hooking up with strangers for the first time in years and really, honestly, happy about it. There was no shame spiral, no crippling social anxiety keeping us from trying, just a pretty basic and underwhelming hookup.

I’m not advocating for risky sex but I think beating our freeze/fear/shame reflexes and managing to do it at all is… worth the risky sex. Letting her breathe a bit and being able to communicate with her at all without fainting is the win.

Having been locked out during that shroom trip: if she’s been existing in the limbo of headspace for years then I have a lot of sympathy for her. I couldn’t handle the loss of control or only seeing what was happening in intermittent flashes for a few hours, never mind years. She has a lot of the worst memories and coping mechanisms but genuinely, we can deal with the fallout of those.

Because otherwise we’ve been so triggered and falling apart for months that nothing will change if we don’t work with her. Something something harm reduction. I’ll learn to manage my avoidance and fear of people if she’ll practice learning better and safer habits.

Also holy fuck I got laid and it was just fun and casual instead of world ending. Good lesson there.

[pullingheavendown]

Doin’ great, by the way.

[pullingheavendown]

My kingdom for a guy who doesn’t come in under 30 seconds. “I’ll bring poppers! I’ll last forever!” yeah dude you and every other dude before you who underestimates me 🚬

[pullingheavendown]

Introduced myself to the mother mid-argument last week and told her that if she doesn’t start taking what I say seriously or showing up emotionally, the way a parent fucking should, then I am going to continue to call her out and proceed as if I either get the help I need, or kill myself in a few years because that’s the longest I can imagine being able to tolerate it here.

Imagine my surprise when she admitted that she’s been withholding any kind of emotional support because she doesn’t want to “enable me”, and maybe if things are intolerable here I’ll be motivated to get better. Instead of worse. Instead of listening to me at all. Instead of taking anything seriously. Instead of not mentally torturing me to the point I am unravelled and in month three of a breakdown and am relapsing dealing with her.

So it’s all been on purpose and she admitted she’s punishing me for reminding her of how badly she fucked up when I was a kid.

Incredible. Fuck me. Fuck you, too. Welcome back, endemic survival mode in the name of getting the fuck out of here somehow.

[we-have-black-marble-at-home]

my final act of love will have casualties

[strangerconnection]

you know, i don't remember

[sioltach]

"The Alpilles" and "Mont Gaussier", Yoann Crépin

[pullingheavendown]

🤪🤙 doin’ fine sis don’t worry about it

[wastedjackpot]

[thekashishverse]

I hate having an internal monologue. Girl shut the fuck up.

[oreganoid]

[freeze frame] You aren't wondering anything [unfreezes frame]

[pullingheavendown]

maybe. maybe I should just get drunk and trauma dump. purge it all, or as much as I can remember tonight.

my therapist said something monday that’s still stuck between my ribs. that for all I hate myself and punish myself for having hurt others or being used to recruit other victims, in every single story, every single fucking one, i am trying to escape. even my nightmares are about me trying to escape. i never actually feel loyal to my family, just trapped. and desperate enough to do stupid, dangerous things after years of abuse.

fuck everyone who never tried to help me, no matter how old i was or what was going on. i screamed and cried and begged people, and i still had to get myself out in the end. fuck it. we don’t owe these people anything except contempt.

[seven-winged-liar]

hearing a beloved friend say the words 'can i be mean for a sec' is like watching an angel descend from the heavens and kiss you on the forehead

[kragehund-est]

they say "i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy" and it's some shit i would wish on the 47th person down on my enemy list. im starting to think some of you don't have real enemies