consuming myself @pulsarinpieces - Tumblr Blog

I found this PicCrew maker and uh

Ur girl is workin thru some shit lol

Grief is a weird thing. It’s been eight years now. Sometimes I can go weeks without even thinking about. And then suddenly the weight of knowing you’re not here anymore and you’re never be here again is so heavy I collapse under it.

My whole body feels... wrong. I feel like my heart is turning itself inside out trying to fill the spot where you used to be but it can’t. Nothing can. You are irreplaceable.

I just pray that you knew that before you died. I know I could be a bitch. I know we had our fights. But god I loved you so much. I should’ve done something, anything to change what happened.

I miss you.

I hate feeling like this. I hate it. I want to vomit I feel so fucking jealous and paranoid.

I know she’s married. I know. I fucking know.

But she’s pretty. She’s a model, a nude model. She likes taxidermy and she’s cute and she makes cool art and she lives the life you want.

You like all her posts. You share her art and her selfies. You talk to her all day every day.

She’s what you want. And I’m... me.

I hate this. I don’t know what to do. I want to dig into my insides and find this feeling and dig it out.

cutespoonie

some dissociation feels:

my thoughts are far away and I can barely hear them

feelings and reactions are all fake

emptiness

personality???

there’s another person in my body

there’s someone trapped in the mirror

I can’t die because I’m not real

why is the world so blurry and bright?

time goes fast but everything else goes slow

always performing in front of an invisible audience

nothing makes sense so what is rational/irrational??

bpd-issues

Cause I ain’t got no feelings anyway Can I disappear yet?

nvm-depresley

backrooms are one of my new favorite things

harddaysnite

What world is this, what kingdom, what shores of what worlds? It’s a very big question you’re faced with, Susanna. The choice of your life. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws? If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital? For life? Big questions, big decisions. Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.

Girl, Interrupted (1999) dir. James Mangold

I’ve spent so much of my life being made to feel useless.

I overcompensate by either being hypersexual and masochistic, or by throwing myself into acts of service. I’ll clean the entire house if it means you won’t leave me.

So when I’m either too exhausted to do chores or on my period and too uncomfortable for sex, I just feel so fucking awful and I just want to off myself because if I’m not useful then why!! am I here!!

It’s 2am and I feel like I’m going to have a fucking panic attack and I couldn’t even tell you why because I’m so fucking stupid and I don’t know. I know this is all so fucking stupid and I’m just being an idiot but I can’t fucking stop I can’t make any of it fucking stop and I’m tired of being like this I don’t want to feel like this anymore.