Tonight should have been our 9 months.
8/23/2025. The first time we met.
I’m posting that around the same time we first met.
I planned to see my former best friend. After all, it’s been less than a year that we didn’t really saw each other. We were supposed to meet again Tuesday (the 26th). I proposed you to go to the dyke bar that I really love. Their mocktails are amazing.
I don’t know why but the Saturday before (23rd) my computer worked again for the first time in months. I was asking myself if I should go to the bar tonight so I can work a lil bit on my computer :) I don’t know, I tried to eat. It was past 8 pm, and while I was trying to eat I received a call, my best friend at that time. You told me “hey, finally I’m in town tonight. We can do that tonight if you want”. Ig I’ll not have to think if I should go or not to the bar tonight :) Then I showered and try to hurry up. I put on my favorite outfit. Before going to the bar, we tried to eat. She didn’t ate so I just took a cookie. Then we took the tramway to go to the bar. I remembered we talked about how much Kast scares me in Chile (we were in August). And at the bar I took an Argentinian accent while speaking in French while saying stupid things about mate. Anyways, small details, but I have an excellent memory and after all, how could I forget a single detail of that very special night.
Then, there was a pretty girl alone in the bar. We both noticed her. I am an extremely introvert person and I struggle sm with interactions. My friend is really extroverted. My friend asked me “are you ok if we invite her to our table ?” I said yes :) But oh, she’s from the States and for the context : it’s been 4 years at this moment I don’t really speak English anymore. I stopped when I started university. I remember crying and do panic attacks before and after English classes. I developed a hate for the English language, even if in high school I had a pretty good level. Anyways. She’s really extrovert and she was speaking to that pretty girl. I can barely catch what they said and I didn’t really spoke (expect for criticizing the pigs)
My best friend had to come back home. They were talking about prog, arcade, etc. then, it’s time to say goodbye. We’re close to my best friend’s gf apartment. I remember, I had my keys in my hand, I was ready to come back home. After all, I didn’t really spoke and who wants to spend time with me?… But idk why, we started to talk. And talk. In this really narrow street.
Everyone was so loud, but I can only hear you.
There were so many people, but I can only see you.
Gosh- I will never forget your pretty face smiling. You were smiling, jumping, blushing and jiggling :) you’re so pretty !!!
My English is so bad and I was asking you 3/4 of the time to repeat again ^^’ then we added each other on last.fm because it was the time I had no social medias.
Then came the question “what do we do now ?”. It was one of the first of a huge amount of “idk” that night :)
So we walked, all over the city. Unfortunately some terrible things happened but you were with me, even if people hurt me that night, I couldn’t really feel anything bad because I felt protected and happy.
Then we sat on a bench and I remembered I asked you what’s your favorite shape , it was my way to flirt yk. Then I remember talking about love saying “never again” without knowing that I said that to the person I love the most of all time, the most precious one to my eyes.
We walked again, I tried to rizz you by singing “I waka” and Buddy Holly ^^ it was really fun we laughed so much. Then I went to your studio, it was like 4am. “What do you wanna drink ?” you asked me. “Water” but you gave me sparkling water ^^’ sorry girl I’m the only frenchie who hates sparkling water ^^’ <3
Then you came to my house which was in a huge mess especially the kitchen.. my cat really loves you since the beginning and just know that you’re the only one in this world who has been trusted directly by my lil baby :)
And at the beginning we went to my room, I put my pink light and showed you my vinyl collection :D !!! Then we went to the living room, in the dark, just the rose light of the room at the left.
5am “what do you wanna do ?” We went so autistic by touching each others arms, doing very silly noises and meowing for like an hour (really an hour) because I was too shy since the beginning of the evening to ask for a kiss and a hug…
It was around 6 or 6:30 am. We- we kissed. I was so happy. I’m not gonna say what we’ve done after but I think you might guess. Then we started to sleep a lil bit after that. Wow-
Today should have been our 9 months together. But it’s not. Because I’m too weak, too shit, I really hate myself and I’m so sorry to have been so shit.
The thing I wanna say is that, for this time I loved destiny. The probability to meet you was extremely low, nearly impossible.
You’re from the states, and you were in France, in my city, in the same bar I was at this moment. Fucking coincidence.
My end is really near. It’s not worth it to wait to get this paper. But I’m finishing to throw away some stuff in my room and then I’ll kms. And hey, I can’t wait for that bc you’ll be so happy. I desperately need to make you smile like I never succeeded to do. You’re gonna smile so much and celebrate my death I really can’t wait for that moment too :) your life is gonna be soooooo much better and I can’t wait for my soul to fly 5300 miles away from there to see your pretty face when you’ll learn that I’m not part of this world anymore.
I’m sorry for everything, I love you. I’m really happy that you’re not carrying a big weight like me anymore.
I’m so sorry. I love you.
