"Use Your Words"

I once had a pumpkin cheddar bagel and it marked a highlight in my foodie experiences as well as a highlight of that summer -- I am in hopes to equate stress and thoughts into eloquent and coherent sentences

[pumpkincheddar]

New Things

Hello from college! I haven’t been on here for a while and I think a break from tumblr has been healthy for me - especially the part where I would get distracted from the endless amounts of puppy pictures. So, why now? Why did I decide to post here at this time rather than when I moved in, or when I failed my first exam, or when I was making loads of new friends? 

I’m in one of the strangest mental states I’ve ever experienced. I’m happy here, I belong in Pittsburgh, in the CMU (Carnegie Mellon - not Central Michigan as google likes to think sometimes) community. And yet, I’ve never felt the influence of stress culture so suffocating and heavy in the air as it is here. Freshmen here have existential crises on the daily and Andrew Carnegie’s teaching philosophy is basically to break us with hard work until we are remade and rebuilt out of steel (or maybe some type of alloy would be stronger and a better metaphor than steel.. I’m having a complicated relationship with whether or not I want to pursue a polymers and colloids minor). 

But there’s so much to be happy for. For one, we definitely have a longer sweater weather period than in VA. People keep telling me I’m going to regret saying that when we have to trek through snow to get to classes. And meeting people has been so much fun - I love love love hearing about the many passions of people and being in a community where everyone is so dedicated in everything they do. 

So those are my two cents while I bury myself in more physics homework now. 

[pumpkincheddar]

Little bits.

When I was typing this, it autocorrected bits to butts. So this is actually a post about little butts. I miss my friends. And I miss the things they say in any and all situations and I think of what they would say in any and all situations. I'm tired of having to live up to my family's expectations of my cousin. She's not perfect and neither am I. But I sure feel like they're better able to excuse her imperfections over making fun of mine. I wonder if cancer patients like talking about it. Does the conversations about the disease make them feel more at ease, or does it make them feel spotlighted? I hope my roommate is nice. And I hope she likes me. I hope the people I meet in college will like me. Sometimes I feel jealous when my little sister likes other family members better than me. I miss my bed. And I only have a week left in it before I leave again. Oregon is full of surprises. I want to make time for all of my friends and family in the week that I'll be home, but I also want to binge watch House and sleep a lot. I miss the constantly readily and inexpensively available sushi from Tokyo supermarkets. I'm okay. More okay than I thought I would be at this point in my life.

[pumpkincheddar]

Back

I’ve been boy-free for 5 months. This has been the first consecutive 5 months of boy-free-ness since the 7th grade. Clearly there’s a problem. But evidently, there were only two.

And I’ve finally had time to work on myself. (Or, to be more correct, I’ve always had time, but now I can focus on just me)

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably noticed I’ve gone awol from tumblr, on both this blog and my other one. I’m going to continue updating on this one into college, because I think a healthy dose of straightforward writing is important and I want to document my life here. 

Some changes that will take place: I’m not keeping a deadline for myself to write posts, I’m hoping they will be regular, but I have no routine on it. I’ll also be posting photos (GASP), basically so I can keep record of things that are happening without posting it all to facebook and instagram (because I feel annoying, what else). They won’t happen frequently, but they will happen.

It’s July 19, CLEARLY I’ve graduated by now. As much as people ask me if it feels different, it feels exactly the same I think I mentally graduated sometime after I submitted my last college application and sometime before AP testing. 

And I’m happy right now. 

I’m going to a cycling/spin class twice a week and it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while. 

I went to Taylor Swift’s 1989 tour date in DC, and fulfilled one of my childhood dreams of getting to sing and dance along with her, with people who were just as excited about her as I am. I don’t idolize her, but I can honestly say that her music and her words have helped me grow and relax from the 5th grade (change and continuity - throwback to AP World terms). 

I started my first mini college course online. It’s boring as hell and it’s about computing, but I make time to work on it everyday and actually take notes (??? wow willpower). I created my college schedule plan and cried over it and then revised it 3 more times. 

I’m working on keeping and holding onto my friendships. Senior year really defined the people that have never left my side and hopefully never will. 

I’m learning to live in the moment - even when the moment requires me to plan my college life and make endless lists of things I might forget to pack for Pittsburgh. And I’m happy.

[pumpkincheddar]

Habits

I’ve read that it takes 21 days to form a habit - bad or good. It’s been less than 21 days since I’ve posted on this blog and I don’t want it to turn into a habit of me internalizing everything again because I tend to do so when things happen. 

I just wanted to give a little shoutout to a few small things. 

The first is to the random radio station that played Cecilia and the Satellite by Andrew McMahon In the Wilderness. Not only did it entirely make my day, but also made me think back to the time when Nina recommended McMahon to me and I talked music to arguably one of the most cultured humans on the planet. 

The next is to my APES teacher’s small note in my yearbook. He’s a soft spoken man who definitely makes his words count. And having him point out my ‘great sense of humor’ that I brought to the classroom made me tear up.

The last is to the small number of days before I graduate (!!!!). I’m so excited and relieved and emotional and - many emotions. 

[pumpkincheddar]

Overwhelming?

I feel like I’ve had this as a blog post title before. Hopefully I haven’t, and I still have an ounce of original in me. 

Clearly, I suck at this daily blogging deal, let’s be completely honest. When I am stressed out, I have to be the right amount of stressed and mindful to remember to blog about it. When I’m not stressed out, I forget about blogging. And when I’m too stressed out, I forget about blogging. Hello, problem.

Maybe I’m thinking of this whole blogging thing wrong. I really don’t put down enough happy and positive things on here, so I have stuck this whiny and negative and cynical stigma onto this blog, and that wasn’t the purpose of daily blogging. My original purpose was to write more (which I guess I’m achieving with every character I hit on my keyboard), and to put thoughts down. Not to bog myself down with every single burden that I’m thinking about, and not to paint a solid picture for future Rena of how much world-suck I am able to endure in one day. 

To be straightforward, this isn’t such a shining bright moment of my life, but I hope it isn’t the darkest. I don’t want it to be -- nor do I want to know when that will come. I feel stuck, and I feel like I don’t know a lot of things right now other than my graduation date (which is too far away still) and the date of my orientation (which is even further away). I want to have my life figured out and I want the people I care about to be happy and I want to be actively and directly catalyzing and involved with their happiness. And sometimes the last two clash, and that’s where I get stuck.

To want someone to be happy, but to know they’ll only be happy without you there because you’ll only create more hurt in their lives. To want someone to be happy, but to know that you’ll have to turn your work ethic 180 degrees, which will then sacrifice other people’s happiness. To want someone to be happy, but knowing that trying to achieve their happiness will decrease your own in long-run equilibrium (yes, I think I did study too much economics, and it won’t come stop spilling out of my brain).

If I had one superpower, it would be to make everyone happy behind curing cancer, of course, but that’s science, and it is not impossible.

[pumpkincheddar]

Reminisce

One of my friends' birthday is tomorrow. Happens also to be my first ex's birthday. Happens to be that I've grown more distant from this friend because she has become really close to my first ex. So no doubt, this time holds a lot of reminiscing and nostalgic impulses for me. 

2010; the last day of 7th grade. In a mad rush, we're all making empty promises to each other to hang out all the time over the summer, disregarding the fact that none of us can drive and the most we'll do the keep in touch is text each other with our sliding-keyboard cell phones. Also the day of my first kiss. 

2011; middle school ensues. 

2012; we've already broken up by now, I'm still missing the idea of a relationship because I'm a stupid freshman and I give up even the notion of saying happy birthday. 

2013; the best times. We placed first in our Regional Science Olympiad competition for the first time in ages. Here begins the series of photographs of Katie and I gripping the trophy, wondering why the handles weren't better engineered for holding, and grinning through our sweat at the paparazzi-like parents. Oh, and we were named co-presidents around this time, too. 

2014; in 2 classes together, and always taking selfies. In fact, we had to start a photo stream for the both of us just to share the crazy amount of photos we took. Shared tears, laughter, and donuts. Took leadership by storm. 

2015; friendly. Never addressing the elephant in the room that is my confusion over her relationship with my ex. Going to different colleges. Hanging out less, but still communicating because science and old times. And yet - still as close to my heart as a sister.

[pumpkincheddar]

Food feels

It’s really true, what those Food Network hosts say: food can bring anyone together. As I looked into my bowl of handmade ramen steaming in a broth (that allegedly took 14 hours to make), my day was suddenly a lot more okay. And as I sipped on the hot broth and laughed about cliche crime show plot lines, my day was better. 

Even in my senior year of high school, I’m still making friends with people I’ve been in school with for 4 years. I can’t say I’m not surprised, but in the great words of Elle Woods, “first impressions are not always correct, you must always have faith in people, and most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.”

[pumpkincheddar]

Updates + Pancakes

Anything and everything I write here will probably be reread by me in the future, and some things that happened this past week.. let’s just say I’d rather not remember or think about in the future. Welcome to a hodge-podge-y blog post where I just jot down things that have been happening in the past couple weeks.

As usual, prom drama is in full swing, and I still can’t decide whether or not I’m happy about not being involved.

I’m still sad about a boy. (there seems to be this sad continuity happening, man) I got really sad the other day when I saw prom pictures of my friends going with their gal pals and I thought - why did I ever get involved with boys, why can’t I just have good ole chinwags with chums and not have to worry about being sad about dumb boys?? And I honestly have no answer for that sigh.

Anyone I talk to about prom tells me it’s totally cool to go stag, except they’ve all set each other up for dates (I smell hypocrite here) so is it really that cool???

I’m having pancakes for the second time within a week in computer graphics class, and I’d like to say I am very skilled in the pancake-making department, so that’s been good.

AP weeks were stressful as hell, but at least they were espresso-filled and I think I did pretty well on my Micro test?? aka the only AP I might get credit for??

Who even knows what this post is - I’ll be back to regular blogging tomorrow though!

[pumpkincheddar]

Unappreciated

I’ll be doing a rehash of my AP week(s) at the end of this week, but seeing as it would be preemptive since I haven’t taken my last AP, I’m back with a post about feelings (which is really what this whole blog is about at it’s basis, right?).

I don’t know if I’d consider myself a positive person. That being said, I don’t think I consider myself as a negative person either. I’d like to call myself logical and reasonably cynical with a facade of positivity (why tf is positivity not recognized as a word??).

But recently I’ve felt an overwhelming feeling of unappreciated. And as much as I try to empathize with unnecessary and unintentional insults/insulters, there’s a part of me that just screams “HOW RUDE” at all opposing parties. 

Example #1: leadership - I know I have other officers in Science Olympiad, and I know they’d be willing to do tasks if I’d just let them. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately?), Katie is a control freak just like I am. But that also means that we take everything into our own hands. We literally run the club. And I’m not saying I want praise from our peers, but I’m kinda saying that. It’d be nice to be thanked instead of ridiculed when we make tiny and insignificant mistakes like sending duplicates of an email. And on the topic of emails, we have notifications for members on three platforms - email, Facebook, and blackboard. And we still get questions asking where the meeting will be. It’s a ridiculous amount of responsibility that we don’t get enough credit for, but maybe that’s exactly what leadership is - persistence in unrewarded diligence and dedication.

Example #2: sisterly (??) - I’m kind of verbally abused by my younger sister on a regular basis. We’re pretty close, so maybe I’m mistaking loving jabs at me with abuse, but she crosses lines on a daily basis. She paints a pretty rude picture of me when conversing with my friends, with me bearing witness. Like - some things should be left out of friendly conversation? How I am ‘so loud at night that she can’t sleep until 2AM’ because I’m ‘talking to friends’ or how I’m ‘constantly complaining about people’ and how I ‘hate literally everyone.’ I don’t know what to think of it; maybe she just wants attention by my friends, maybe that’s how she expresses affection?? All I know is that I refuse to skip school after AP tests, when I don’t have anything to do in the school day because I take her home every day after school. And all I know is that I drive her to school every morning when I could easily sleep in and call in ‘sick’ because I am a second-semester senior, dammit. I don’t expect her to lay down at my feet thanking me every morning, but I haven’t really noticed any gratefulness since the beginning of the school year either. 

So yeah, I’m pretty down these days. Not seeing his face has helped loads, but it’s inevitable. I can’t wait for college.

[pumpkincheddar]

One Long Fight Scene

Avengers 2 was slightly disappointing. Although anything would have been disappointing considering how much I love love love the first one. 

No spoilers, it just had far too much action and not enough focus on the plot. But I love the characters all so much, I’ll probably end up seeing it in theaters at least one more time (Marvel makes money off of idiots like me).

[pumpkincheddar]

Self

I had a weird day. But I got positive thoughts out of it, which I guess is the important part. I took a break from blogging because when I can’t even think through my thoughts, I have trouble writing them too (I will forever still be a 5th grade whining about not being able to write what I think, but for now I’m not). 

I said what I felt yesterday. And I didn’t give in to empathy and I didn’t do what would maybe make someone else happy -- I made my own decision. And honestly, I haven’t done that in a while. I always look to empathy to make my decision for me: which decision will make the majority of involved parties happy? 

And also nostalgia makes me sick. 

And also I need to write a senior speech that I think is decent enough to turn in, but I gotta turn down my standards way low because I am not ready to present this to my senior class lmao so don’t make it actually good, Rena.

[pumpkincheddar]

Ready??

AP week(s) are upon us!! And I’ve realized that I can’t really get credit for my AP tests other than for electives (which I won’t have much of anyway because double major holla). 

Enviro - I hope I do okay because I like my teacher, but honestly I won’t see him next year anyway so I’m not sure why I care. 26% of all takers of this exam get a 1 though?? What even

2D Design - Done

Gov - I can probably BS my way through this, and CMU takes a 4 or a 5 yay!!!

Microeconomics - same thing with Enviro, but I have to get an 83% on the test to get a 5 which is apparently the highest percentage for a 5 out of any other AP test. But I love my teacher, so I want to do well.

Let the tests begin.

[pumpkincheddar]

Revision

Just kidding, I’ll spend prom night coming up with proposal ideas because I am darn good at puns and ideas #engineering

[pumpkincheddar]

Loner

Disclaimer: I’m feeling rather sorry for myself so this will sound pretty whiny.

I’m not even looking at the keyboard while I’m typing this, My face is literally face down on my bed while I’m listening to the Pippin soundtrack because I get so obsessed with musicals after I watch them (and I’m also still really excited about my friend getting a solo number ahhh). 

So yeah. I guess I feel pretty sorry for myself these days. Everyone around me is talking about prom and prom groups and prom plans and I’m like haha look at this pun I made I’M SO FUNNY. And I’m still moping about my ex. And I’m still sad in general. And I feel like I hit really high highs and then really low lows. And this amount of fluctuation is really exhausting. 

And yeah. Maybe like two weeks ago I was that kid that was like RAH RAH IT’S OKAY IF I DON’T GO TO PROM AT ALL, I CAN MAKE MY OWN FUN. But it’s kinda hard to do now because it’s all anyone can talk about and I’m a mess because 1. I’m not going, 2. people ask me if I have guy friends I can go with and the truth is that all of them have girlfriends, 3. except for one of my friends who doesn’t go to my school and probably doesn’t even know I’m single and sad about it, 4. I’m still excited about prom because I’m 5 years old about it and I’m excited about the pretty dresses and idk it’s kinda self-destructive since I’m sad and excited about it at the same time.

Don’t misunderstand this as an anti-prom rant because I’m not against prom, I’m just against my ex going to prom with that chic that I really hate wow. 

Can’t even have a girl’s night in because all my gal friends are going/will be asked anyway. Can’t wait for the snapstories I’ll be seeing from my bed. I’M SO DISTRESSED AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT WHY DO I CARE ABOUT SOCIAL EVENTS IDK MAYBE BECAUSE I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE IT AND I can’t wait for college when I won’t know people and I don’t have to care about this anymore and I can easily avoid people because seeing them causes heartbreak and clenching of my tear ducts and goddamn butterflies because I still miss him and oh god.

The worst part is that I would still get back with him in a heartbeat, I seriously need to get to college this is not healthy at all get me away from here and take me to Pittsburgh.

[pumpkincheddar]

IT’S ENDLESS

Or school seems to be?? No lie -- right now, I’m stressed as fuck. 

I’ve finished 7 AP art concentrations in the past week, and I still have two to finish. I had a comprehensive gov vocab test today, as well as a linear test and an English vocab quiz. I haven’t even cracked open The Kiterunner and I’m supposed to have read up to chapter 10 by tomorrow. I have an econ test tomorrow that I haven’t studied for (and probably won’t sigh). I have 300 words out of a maximum of 1500 for a scholarship essay done and it’s due via email by tomorrow night. I have a shift from 3-4 PM for a bake sale tomorrow because I have so many hours to complete for National Science Honors Society, and I’ve already planned to go see my school’s drama production of Pippin tomorrow night at 7:30PM. At some point between 4-7:30 I have to finish my scholarship essay.

It’ll all be so much better by Saturday, oh my god (although I still have to perform at Caffe Amouri for even more hours and I haven’t figured out what to perform yet..acoustic rendition of some Walk the Moon maybe? or Taysway? or something with some sweet harmonies so I can perform with Lizzy?). Minimal studying for the AP Enviro test will be done because I honestly won’t get much credit from it (kids, don’t learn from me and study for your AP tests ahead of time and give more shits than I’m giving). Art will be done by then, and all I have to think about is Micro and Gov.

This was a shit post, but that’s all that’s been in my brain since Tuesday, so there it is.

[pumpkincheddar]

“This might steer you away from me but...”

I found my roommate today! Thank you tumblr for connecting people who may have never have met each other, even if we had attended the same college. 

And we ended up talking for 3 hours. I guess we’re both people who are able to talk endlessly, but we covered everything that any roommate questionnaire template had and more. We talked about things that might steer the other from ourselves, like my snoring and her stuffed animal collection, and books we liked and superhero movies (omg).

Flaws are important -- all roommate search facebook groups emphasize that your roommate has to be compatible with you, but I think a lot of people mistake compatibility for similarity. And that’s really awesome and great if your roommate is similar and compatible, but that similarity comes as frosting on a cupcake for me. It’s more imperative that my roommate gets along with me more than anything else and is willing to listen to me talking a lot (because I do, and I will), and it’s important to me that I don’t feel like I’m annoying them with my incessant (is that the right word? it’s 2:24AM, ‘scuse me) chattiness. 

[pumpkincheddar]

12:34AM

I’m typing up this post to avoid studying for APES and to avoid doing econ which will literally only take 15 minutes.

I’m thoroughly done with senior year, and I can’t even partake in ‘senioritis’-esque activities, such as (and not limited to) skipping school, stopping my homework-doing, sleeping more. It’s like.. I’ve essentially given up on school, but I can’t stop trying minimally aka still studying and doing the minimum expectations of me by my teachers (maybe more than minimum..). 

As expected, I passed out yesterday after a long day of piano playing, prom-dress wearing, glaring lights sweating, camera smiling, trying-to-see-in-the-nighttime-rain driving, ’shut up and dance’ scream/singing --

Seriously, people gotta get it right: time doesn’t heal everything; it’s the moments and experiences gained in time that heals everything.