Dying Mind Dying form

[puppiessssass]

Seven years ago today john and Sherlock met for the first time and tomorrow is Phil's 30th birthday. Tomorrow I also have midterms but they are my last two so sculpture and English. My sister took me to see a dogs purpose. I didn't cry but I almost did. How can you not at least come close to crying while watching that movie? The dog literally died so many times. There were some funny parts in it. Phil also uploaded a new video today so that was nice. Before we went to see the movie I was getting ready and about to take a shower when our fire alarm went of for no reason. Everything was fine and I went to shower. Then when I was washing my hair it went off again. I am absolutely terrified of fire. Two years ago our dishwasher caught on fire and since then I haven't been able to trust anything. And weird smell I freak out and I try to use the dryer and microwave and dishwasher as little as possible. I would rather hand wash the dishes then run the dishwasher. Luckily, most of my clothes get hung up to dry so the dryer doesn't run for that long. I always hang up my jeans, sweaters and any delicate top that can't go in the dryer.

[puppiessssass]

School was canceled yesterday because of bad weather so we had our first two midterms today. I had german and global. On Monday morning I woke up with an extremely bloodshot eye but I still went to school. I also have a cold. It turns out I have a mild eye infection so I need to put in eye drops every 4 hours. I probably would have had to stay home yesterday anyway and make up my two exams some other time because I was feeling so horrible all of yesterday. I woke up this morning unable to breathe through my nose at all so I panicked because I'm not used to breathing through my mouth but it's fine now. Right before I started my german test I felt like I was about to pass out but thankfully I didn't. Also whenever I blow my nose too much I get an insanely bloody nose. Like yesterday morning I woke up and blew my nose and suddenly there was blood everywhere. It's happened a few times but thankfully not at school. My sister told me that if it started bleeding during my german test I should start muttering nonsense in german but that definitely would have terrified the freshman that sits next to me. We like to give our german teacher a hard time since he's the type of guy that goes with it. When I was getting ready this morning I broke down in the bathroom and couldn't stop crying. I was tired and sick. I remember muttering that I just wanted to go home even though I was at home? I don't make any sense when I'm sleep deprived. I was sat on the floor crying for about 15 minutes because I just had to get it out or I would have been crying while taking my tests. Not that I didn't want to cry anyway. I eventually got up and finished getting ready. I haven't rated anything since I have no appetite. I feel like if I try to eat anything I will throw up so I don't want to test that until I get home at least. We leave in about 10 minutes so that's good.

[puppiessssass]

Ryan did come to school today but he probably would have been better off staying home. He wasn't as sick but he wasn't completely better. I felt really bad but he had to get midterm review work since they start on Tuesday. Four days in a row of pain. I just wanted to give him a hug but he wouldn't let me because he didn't want me to get whatever he has. I woke up feeling a little sick today anyway so I don't care. Julia thinks he likes me but I doubt it. Who would like me? There i literally nothing special about me.

[puppiessssass]

I had a nice dream when I was sleeping so I thought I would share it. (Our school has a GAPP (german-American partnership program) program and students takin german host a student for a week then the host goes to Germany and stays with the family of the student they hosted for a week) and the german students were here and I was in German class some how speaking perfect german. So Crotta (the schools german teacher) put on the board the twitter, YouTube and tumblr logos and was like send me the link to any song, because we were going to spend the whole class singing songs IN ENGLISH CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT (we only ever sing songs in German but they are quite beautiful) And I need to mention that Julia (my friend) was in my class because half the school decided they wanted to take german so half the school was there. Anyway, someone who was really good at singing chose a song but I don't remember what it's called. Then. It suddenly switched to the Hamilton song where it's like in New York you can be a new man. And I was actually really happy so the entire class started singing the song and I could hear Julia over everyone BECAUSE JULIA YOU WERE SO HAPPY. then since we were so loud the other half of the school came in and were like we want to sing too. So the entire school was singing that song and it went on for at least an hour on just that song and it was great. Nice going singing girl.

[puppiessssass]

My friend ended up staying after with Julia because they have a review group for biology since they are in AP which is really hard. I usually listen to music but I can't be bothered to take my headphones out. I have some homework to do when I get home then maybe Ryan and I can skype or something. I don't know why he never replied to me. The only reason I can think of is that his parents took it but I don't know why they would. I just love talking to him.

[puppiessssass]

Ryan didn't end up coming to school today so I sat with my other friend Becca at lunch. Her friends are pretty funny and they talked about things that I actually understood. I texted Ryan asking if he was at school but he hasn't replied yet. I asked my other friend and that's how I knew he wasn't here because they have Algebra 2 together. I'm just ready to go home. I don't want to go to sculpture because I have no idea where I'm going with this project. I can't decide what to do. I also have to do English homework when I get home because I don't have enough time left in 3tr to finish it. We have about ten minutes left. I don't like going on the bus. I have a friend on the bus but I would rather her not be on because I just want to be left alone and not have to talk to her. I haven't had time to myself in a while. I'm never home alone anymore because my brother is home from college until Monday. Yesterday in German I was convinced it was Friday and I still kind of am. I would like to ask my mom if I could take tomorrow off but Ive been trying for the past three years to get perfect attendance and each yeah I have missed two days of school. I don't even want to leave early or get here late. I just want to get this this one time. It will mean I've accomplished something. I have two minutes left so I'll probably write more later.

[puppiessssass]

Ryan stayed home sick today so I will be alone in advisory but it's ok because I have lunch with Julia and a few other friends. I just miss him because we are so close and I'm use to seeing him everyday. I hope he will be back tomorrow but I don't want him to come back before he feels better. I told Julia last night how I write everything down. But I didn't tell her where she could find what I write. There's a chance she will find this blog because I put tags that she might search but I don't care about that. I don't want her to find the papers. Some days I write only half a paper and some days I write up to three pages. It all depends on how bad or good a day has been. Sometimes a day has been like eh, but I still need to write. I don't really care if people that I know in real life know that I write. As long as they don't know what I write about because I don't want to make them worried. I already made Julia worried last night because I asked her if she ever just wanted to die and that probably terrified her.

[puppiessssass]

Writing is my release and I can’t seem to get it. I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something from my day to write about. Good or bad it doesn’t matter. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a dream last night. My family and I were at the house that the band Fall Out Boy lived in because for some reason they lived together. They were family friends I guess so we were there for dinner. I remember sitting there then thinking, I should ask Pete (Wentz) why he unfollowed Dan on twitter. So I took out my phone to record his answer. I went up to him and I was like Pete can I ask you a question? And he said yes. I started the video and was like Pete why did you unfollow Dan on twitter but he was like I KNEW YOU WOULD ASK ME THAT! Then he flung himself on the couch. I remember he got back up and told me why he unfollowed Dan but I don’t remember his reason. Then I tweeted the video to Dan saying, here’s your explanation Dan! And Pete retweeted it and he followed Dan again and Dan saw the tweet and was very happy. I just love that I had gotten a video of Pete throwing himself on the couch and yelling it was great. I want to go back to that world. There, I don’t have to worry. Nothing bad happened. I don’t want to die in that world. I want to be dead.

[puppiessssass]

Midterms start next week and we just started getting review sheets today. We started a new project in my sculpture class and I'm sure we don't have enough time to finish it. We have today and two more classes until sculpture is over since it's a half year class. Ryan is in my B day lunch but he went home right before lunch so I'm alone with 4 boys but it's fine because they know who I am and are nice enough to me. I was sitting in English watching other people present their projects and I did mine last week (you could hear fear in my voice because I had to talk in class) so that meant I got my grade back. I got a 100 even though we only had 8 slides instead of 10. Then in geometry my only friend in the class had gone home early so I had to work on a packet by myself, that's when Ryan texted me saying he was going home. I mean it's fine that he went home because he didn't feel good. I just hate walking to 3tr alone because he always walks with me to my 3tr room. 3tr is basically just 25 minutes for reading on B days either before or after you have lunch. On A days we have 25 minutes with our advisory either before or after lunch. Then for your third class you have to sit through three lunch periods. So on my B days I have gym, English. Then lunches start. I go to geometry. Two lunch periods for that. Then the lunch ladies have 25 minutes to clean the cafeteria and eat. Then the other 2 lunch waves. I'm in the third lunch wave for students so right after the lunch ladies clean and stuff. Then my A day schedule I have German then bio then I go to advisory then lunch and after that I sit through global. I forgot where I was going with this but now you know the first half of my days at school. In 3tr I don't read I just write or do homework. Everyone was hoping that they would call an early dismissal but that didn't happen. I really just want Ryan here so I have someone to talk to. My hands are really cold. Why can't the school learn how to use the heat? It's 30 degrees outside and about 68 in here. Is that even legal.

[puppiessssass]

I went to the mall today. There were too many people and I kept freaking out but I didn’t want to tell my friend. She would have thought I just wanted attention. I do. But not in that way. I can’t use my anxiety for attention. I need attention so someone will listen to me. I don’t want pity. I just want to be listened to. We got home around 1, I haven’t left my bed since then. I was supposed to skype Ryan but I just can’t convince myself to get up. He probably won’t want to listen to me anyway. I did watch the last episode of Sherlock season 4. I probably need to watch it again since I wasn’t paying attention very much. It’s dark out now. The sun is gone. The only company I have it my dog at my feet. But she’s sleeping. My sister is at work. But I wouldn’t talk to her anyway. I really need to talk to Ryan. He calms me down and gets me to smile. But I don’t want to bother him and make him feel like he has to talk to me. We talked for 5 hours last night. But for about two of those hours we were also talking to another friend. I need to talk to him alone. I could really use a hug.

[puppiessssass]

I am that friend that always gets ignored. No one will listen to me. They don’t even know how I feel about myself. I’m sure if I told them that I actually want to die they would feel pretty damn bad about how they treat me. Fuck you guys. I love you, but you don’t love me. Like is it really that hard to fucking stop and listen for once. I’ve been crying out for help for so long. I don’t want to just go to them and be like “hey I’m depressed and I want to kill myself, have a nice day!” I can’t do that. In my school, if you say anything like that then you are even less likely to get help. But it sure will get you laughed at and called a freak. And in case you’re wondering, no I don’t hurt myself. But it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. I have a fear of blood. Say I’m reading a fanfic about Dan and Phil, the only people who can make me smile a real smile, and in the fic there is an extensive description of self harm with a lot of blood. I will get dizzy. Here is another example. On Thanksgiving i was helping my mom in the kitchen. She went to grab something in the sink and cut her finger on a knife, it wasn’t even that deep and there was only a little blood. I saw it and started imagining how painful that must have been and my vision started going black so I decided I should go sit down. Half way to the living room and my vision was completely black, and I walked into the wall. I then turned around and saw my mom just looking at me like what the fuck why did you look at the blood daughter. I guess 8 year old me will be disappointed that I’ll never be a doctor. How am I going to be a teacher? Little kids get hurt all the time.

Does anyone else want to be a teacher? I just for some reason really like kids. Yeah, some of them are actual demons but they can also be really sweet.

What about Dan and Phil? I’ve been watching them for literally a year and three days as of today. I found them through my friends. At first I actually hated them and wanted nothing to do with them. Then at a Christmas party we watched Phil is not on Fire 7. I still wasn’t thrilled with them. Then of January 12th 2016 Dan uploaded a video about the memes about him in 2015 so I decided to watch it and I absolutely fell in love with him. Then I went over to Phil’s channel and watched all of the PINOFs. And since then I’ve been obsessed with them. To be honest, I would probably be dead without them. I know I’ve said i hate my friends but they did give me Dan and Phil so I have that. Then a few months later on May 20th 2016 I went with my friends to see Dan and Phil in The Amazing Tour is not on Fire and it was the best day of my life. Thinking about it just makes me so happy but also sad, because i know I will probably never see them in person again. we didn’t get to meet them but I’m still happy I was at least in the same building as them.

Writing abut all of this feels good. I usually just write in my school notebook. But this feels different. I just hope, that if I do die, and my friend, Julia and Ryan, I’m talking to you please go on my phone. You guys have your finger print in it. Please check my social media, go through my camera roll. Go into my white B day binder. Find my notes. I’ve written so many. You will need answers. Ryan you need to know how I feel about you. What I was going through.

You know, half of me wants them to find this blog. But then again. I really don’t. So if you found it, hey, hows life without me?

[puppiessssass]

My biggest problem in life is that I feel like I need to explain myself to everyone. Sometimes I just don’t want to go to a friends house. That’s ok right? But then I’m questioned as to why I’m not going. I’ve never said I just don’t feel like going, I always say I’m busy or I just can’t go. I need to stop lying to everyone. Everything I do is a lie. Things as small as smiling. Lies. Sometimes there will be someone at school who will ask me how I’m doing. I never say good. I never say bad. I just say ok. There was one day when i was texting in a group chat with my friends. We were talking about instruments. So to try and be funny I sent a trumpet emoji asking if it was a flute. Innocent joke.

My friend told me to kill myself because she didn’t think it was funny. At that moment, I wanted to. I did want to kill myself. And I still do.

There’s only one thing keeping me alive. My actual friend. He understands me. He listens to me. He can tell when it’s been a bad day. I fucking love him so much.

I had to do a project for my sculpture class. It’s of a landscape. The ‘main feature’ is a tree, to anyone who doesn’t know. But that’s not actually the main idea of it at all. I put hills in the background. With flowers. There are red, yellow and orange flowers. but I put in one black flower. That one represents me, and all the other ones are everyone else. Like the black flower,  no one knows why I’m here. I just appeared one day. That flower does not belong with all the other flowers. It’s an outcast. It ruins the picture.