okay so i’ve got something i wanna talk about here but you have to promise not to kill me.
i want to talk about the accepted risk of doing sex. specifically i’m thinking here about sometimes when you’re playing with a partner, or even if you’re just having fairly vanilla sex, sometimes your boundaries WILL get violated. sometimes you’ll agree to something and then realize during or after that you didn’t actually want it. a partner will try something without checking first and you won’t enjoy it. you’ll get drunk and hook up with someone you normally wouldn’t. your partner will forget a limit you’ve set and cross it.
now listen to me. each and every one of you should strive to be firm with the boundaries you set, and each and every one of you should do your absolute level best to understand and respect the boundaries that your partner has set. nothing i’m saying here is an endorsement of ignoring someone’s boundaries, or of deprioritizing boundaries and communication. that said, it is inevitable that your boundaries will sometimes be crossed in sexual situations. it just happens. completely unintentionally, or even in spite of direct intention to NOT violate boundaries, sometimes a line is gonna get crossed. i know i’ve been in situations where a partner did something that made me uncomfortable, and i know i’ve been the one who’s made my lover uncomfortable. so what do we do with this?
first of all, you gotta accept it can happen. that’s part of being “risk aware.”
second of all, you need to know the feelings you’re having are normal. a sense of violation, betrayal, feeling angry or sad or just plain gross. these are natural feelings. sex can be really really intimate, especially in a kink context, and it makes sense that these feelings are going to come up. let yourself feel them, process them, before you act. it’s important that you don’t lash out from the place of hurt, especially when the other party is also a member of a vulnerable community.
third. think about the situation. was it intentional? did the person mean to hurt you? were they trying to take advantage of you? was it honest mistake, or a case of miscommunication?
if you look at the situation and decide that the violation was intentional, was malicious, frankly that is beyond the scope of this post. there are other people who can speak far more clearly than i can on how we handle justice within a community, especially one made up of vulnerable people, such as the trans community is. (the trans rules of engagement are a good place to start!) but what do we do when we know we’ve been made uncomfortable or that harm has been done, but we don’t think it was intentional?
you don’t want to burn them, you don’t want to kick them out of your life, you don’t want to ruin their reputation over a mistake, even if you’re feeling hurt. it can be easier to label them an abuser or just ghost them entirely, but listen. this is the really scary part: you have to talk to them. you have to go to the person and tell them. “hey, when we did xyz that made me feel really violated. can we talk about this?” this is really where the community building and the relationship strengthening comes in. for the injured party- this is going to be scary and vulnerable and fucking difficult. for the party who has caused harm- you need to be receptive to this. a lot of feelings are going to come up. guilt, shame, insecurity, defensiveness, frustration, even anger. it is not easy to be told you’ve hurt someone, especially someone you care about, especially if you didn’t mean to. if these feelings flood in first, you cant lead with them. it’s okay to feel them, feelings are just information, but reacting with defensiveness is not fair to this person who has come to you with a vulnerable heart. neither is expressing shame in a way that makes them feel they have to comfort you. if these feelings come up, there’s nothing wrong with saying “i want to talk about this but im feeling xyz, can i have some time to regulate/process/prepare before w have this conversation?”
once you’re actually in that conversation, all you can really do is listen and try to understand. if you hit them with the “well i thought-“ or “i was just trying to-“ you’re not rly listening. there is, of course, room for “i’m so sorry, that was not my intention” but be careful not to fall into defending yourself when you’re supposed to be empathizing.
there’s only so much i can say here past this point. it’s going to come down to your individual situation and conversation. all i can ask is that you be vulnerable with one another, be honest with one another, and listen to one another with the direct intent of understanding.
prguitarman
kianamaiart
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
izzy806
andulkaphoto
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
