Sometimes, it takes a village - and I feel like I have had a city helping me to get back on my feet and keep going.
It’s been a whole year. There were a lot of times that I didn’t think I was going to make it through the next hour, let alone an entire year, and there are a lot of people whom I have to thank for that. There is no shame in needing help, and admitting that I needed a lot of help. I still do, but I can stand on my own, now, and be secure in the knowledge that I have people who will catch me when I wobble.
He is everywhere in the way that he isn’t. I still ask myself what he would say, or do. I ran through telling him about the new Black Mirror episode in my head, and I knew that we would have made an afternoon of doing it twice - once for him and once for me. He would have picked everything apart to talk about it. There are things that I cannot predict him saying, and I won’t try. He is still one of the most interesting people I have ever had the privilege of having a conversation with. He was one of the most interesting people in this world.
I will always love him, just like he told me that he would love me forever. But I have also learned to live without him, and that living is necessary. I have found joy again - with my family, my friends, and my dog. This is enough for me. Even if I never again meet someone who will make me feel as strongly towards them, and this was my one big one, my life right now is enough for me.
I recorded a conversation with lanchai, early this year - he said that he doesn’t believe that God takes away people to teach others lessons, but that there are lessons to be learned in the absences of those lost. I agree with this; even though I am not the most devout, I trust that my God, while he is also a judge, is merciful and kind. He is not the kind of God who will kill a boy to try to drum in Sunday School lessons to those remaining. I don’t think that was the point of the entire New Testament.
Being enough for myself is not a lesson that I would have wanted to learn the way I did, but it is what happened. I am grateful to have had him in my life. I am grateful to have survived his loss. I am grateful to have grown.
While I haven’t grown as much as I hoped I would have, I am far ahead of where I thought I would be, this time last year. I am grateful for this, because it is not entirely by my own effort that this is so. There are so many people - my best friends, friends that I’ve gotten closer to this year, friends that I’ve made, and even acquaintances who allowed me to lean on them for a while before going quietly into the day - whom I am thankful for.
Thank you for being here.
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