Having an Intimate Freebirth
(WARNING: NSFW content, descriptions of birth, sex, intimate contact, and my own opinions about homebirth and freebirth)
These are my thoughts on natural homebirth and having an intimate homebirth between a mother and father (or partner). Some people refer to this as freebirthing. Not all freebirths are as intimate as what I describe below, but they do allow the freedom to choose a path that is right for the individual couple. This describes one of those possible paths. My views here may be a bit controversial, but it just my view about what birth can be for those who are open to a more holistic birth experience.
I sometimes hear people say that their hospital birth experience was traumatic, and that their doctors and nurses treated them like customers in a business that is all about getting people in and back out quickly so they can move on to other customers. You hear the stories about hospital births going something like this: a Pitocin drip to speed things up, a cold hospital room full of medical equipment, fears of C-sections if labor doesn’t progress fast enough, nurses yelling to “push!” every 2 seconds and doctors saying “we have to get this baby out!”, episiotomies, followed by pulling the baby’s head with forceps or vacuum, not even waiting for contractions to pull the baby from the birth canal, fathers feeling helpless, mothers feeling exhausted, and multiple stitches from the quick delivery that didn’t allow for natural stretching.
But what if more mothers and fathers took things into their own hands? What if more people looked at birth differently? How did a mother get pregnant in the first place? Pregnancy is often planned and looked forward to between two people who share a loving bond. Labor and birth should be no different. It should be an intimate act between mother and partner as the final culmination of 9-10 months from the sexual act that created new life.
In my view, birth shouldn’t simply be viewed as a medical procedure - like getting a kidney stone removed. This is a whole body, mind experience that should include both parents in a setting and manner that represents their union, including an intimate birth experience.
Wouldn’t it be great if more doctors, nurses, doulas and midwives were open to this idea? And while there are some who are, many still have outdated views about childbirth. I’m of the belief that unless there is a medical reason not to (high risk pregnancy, etc), home births are a safe choice that promotes a more relaxed birth setting, and allow more options that cannot be considered in a hospital or birth center.
For instance, one option couples could explore at home, but cannot in a hospital is intimate contact. We know that sex throughout labor can help distract the mother and create a more relaxed atmosphere - as vaginal, clitoral and breast stimulation produces many hormones that help reduce stress. Vaginal stimulation or intercourse before birth can both open the cervix and vaginal opening, increase uterine contractions, and make the birth canal better lubricated for the pushing phase. A male partner’s semen contains prostaglandin - which help soften the cervix, and sexual contact and semen can help lubricate the birth canal.
Clitoral stimulation especially helps with pain as it releases endorphins and other hormones. I have read stories of women having clitoral stimulation during the crowning and pushing phase, and orgasming as they give birth at home, which helped relieve pain.
If this helps open up the birth canal, and relieves pain, then there should be no stigma attached to women doing this. And mothers wouldn’t feel the stress of being told when to push. Instead they should be allowed to give into natural urges, and the ability to slow things down or to push as their bodies tell them to.
I also don’t see a reason why fathers (or partners) also shouldn’t enjoy pleasure from watching their partner during labor and birth - just as much as the mother. If sex between mother and partner made this moment possible, then sex during labor and birth are just a natural extension of the 9 month journey. Oxytocin is a bonding chemical produced during labor, so it makes sense that there should continue to be a sexual bond between mother and father throughout the labor and birthing process.
There are also many primal similarities between giving birth and having sexual intercourse. The sounds of labor are erotic and similar to sex - grunting, heavy breathing, moaning, sweating, lots of wetness, exposed genitals, vaginal opening swelling. Feeling sexually aroused by all of this is a natural response, not something to be ashamed of. It might make some uncomfortable to think about, but I can think of nothing more erotic than showing the bond between mother and partner by both parents enjoying sexual contact during the labor and birthing process.
For some mothers, it might make the process easier by having distractions and encouraging the release of key hormones. They could choose vaginal and clitoral stimulation during labor and also during birth itself. Oral and digital stimulation can help relax the mother during contractions, and help release pain blocking endorphins.
Some could even choose to have gentle vaginal intercourse for as long as it is comfortable for the mother. As the baby begins to enter into the birth canal, intercourse could also help stretch the vaginal opening and produce pleasurable sensations as the birth canal opens up. It would also be a bonding experience between mother and father during this special moment in their lives. This would help replace the feelings of fear and pain with ones of pleasure, intimacy, and caring.
A father could continue with vaginal intercourse or clitoral stimulation as long as the mother is comfortable and feels safe. There should be no shame felt by either the father or mother in choosing pleasure over pain. He could help stretch the opening between contractions using his fingers or by continuing intercourse.
As the baby descends into the birth canal, there will need to be stretching of the vaginal walls, and of the vaginal opening. This could be done manually using fingers or via intercourse - so long as it doesn’t cause increased pain.
As the head begins to crown, she could allow her partner to help her deliver the baby in any number of ways. She could choose to squat over her partner’s lap as he guides the baby out. Or she could lay on her back in a comfortable position as he lifts her legs and helps stretch her opening as he sits between her legs.
During the crowning phase, he could continue to rub her dilating opening and clitoris to both stretch her opening and produce pleasurable sensations. In the private intimacy of a home birth, the couple can choose to focus on pleasurable acts during the birth without the judgement or shaming of others.
The father should also feel liberated to enjoy this moment as well. This is a moment of creation made possible by a pleasurable act by two people, so it should be a pleasurable moment in the final culmination for both people. He could choose to stimulate himself as he stimulates his partner.
If the couple is comfortable, he could rub his penis against her vaginal opening or clitoris while helping to stretch her open. His penis could rub around the inside of her stretched opening, between her labia and the crown to gently stretch her opening. His penis would act as fingers to stretch the labia. He could focus on massaging her clitoris as she bears down, to relieve pain, and increase oxytocin, while he masturbates against her slowly bulging opening and rubs his head against it.
As the birth become imminent, she could choose to deliver on top of him or with him nestled closely between her legs to the father could catch his baby. The baby should be brought into the world with the same physical closeness between mother and father that created this new life. The father could continue to stimulate her clitoris as the baby is being delivered until she orgasms. As she orgasms, he could continue to pleasure himself until he too orgasms. The baby could be born between the two of them, as they remain close together. And the baby would slide out and be caught by the father in a moment of total ecstacy. There is no harm done to mother or child, only love and bliss. In my view, it would be one of the greatest bonding experiences.
Some may not feel comfortable with this. But an intimate sexual birth shouldn’t be viewed as taboo. Nor should people be shamed for enjoying the feeling of their progeny created by an act of love pressing against one’s genitals during childbirth. Nor should they be shamed for enjoying the sounds of birth, or the sight of the vagina opening up.
These are natural feelings. The same organs that led to the creation of life now also serving their purpose in delivering new life, with the same nerve endings, the same neural pathways. It should just be viewed as part of a natural process. As long as no harm is done, then there is no reason for anyone being made to feel shame in enjoying these sensations. Pleasure is not a wrong feeling for people to have, and people shouldn’t shame others for feeling pleasure.
But people will disagree and will judge others anyway. We’ve long been taught that birth is medical, not natural or even spiritual, and that any feelings of pleasure or joy during birth are not normal. Women are taught that birth should be painful, and that sexual thoughts during birth are taboo and obscene. And men are taught that they shouldn’t view birthing women as powerful sexual beings, but to instead feel guilty for causing them pain during childbirth, to view birth as a medical procedure - not a natural process - to disconnect from the mother, not touch her, and to get out of the way to let “experienced” hands deal with birth.
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