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Seoul in Film.

A decade without you

If someone had asked me ten years ago how I would continue my life—I truly didn’t know. After losing you, the clarity I once had—about living with purpose and translating goals into action—seemed to vanish into ashes. My vision was short-sighted, and the unprocessed emotions I had carried since my formative years often clouded my judgment leading me to believe that my life is nothing but series of tragedy. I thought I wouldn’t live long enough to know what ‘okay’ felt like and happiness was just a fantasy.

I was just getting through each day. I laughed, I smiled—but in between, I cried. Often times, the tears came without warning, brought on by the smallest things that reminded me of you. Then there was the regret—the quiet, aching guilt of not being a better caregiver. I blamed myself constantly, punishing myself in silence, in ways no one ever saw.

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m grateful that you and Dad raised me to be stubborn—stubborn enough to hold on, and to chase the one thing I’ve always been sure of: I want to see the world. So I did. I saw the world, or at least parts of it. In the years since you’ve been gone, I’ve wandered through cities you never got to visit, stood in places I wish I could’ve described to you, and searched for pieces of myself in each unfamiliar corner.

So here it is, Mom. In the coming weeks—perhaps months—I will write a story about how I’ve lived a decade without you. A story of how I lost and found myself. Of how I picked up the pieces of me.

This little girl,

P

#grief #growth

peacefulandcozy

Instagram credit: myphotography_com

pustakakelana

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