Things

or something

[slashrawr]

While we’re talking about abusive RPers...

…don’t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.

The Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > Discard cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say “most” because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).

Idolize: the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the target’s new best friend.  Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.

Isolate: the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. They’ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the target’s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the target’s friends are “mean” or “jealous” and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.

Devalue: when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly can’t seem to do anything right.  The target’s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuser’s character with the target’s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they don’t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment.  In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the target’s fault, i.e. “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.”  Gifts only come as “makeup” presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the target’s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon. 

Discard: the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that they’re the reason the abuser doesn’t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.

Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if they’re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts). 

In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.

Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until it’s already too late, the biggest thing you can do is watch out for your friends and guildies.  We’re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe.  If you feel like somebody’s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system, don’t be afraid to speak up.  I don’t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinci’s asshole, they don’t get a pass.

If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember that no plot or friendship is worth your mental health.  Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you can’t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why).  Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors.  You’re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

[qatkat-blog]

Having worked for someone mentally abusive, it's really important to me to help people recognise the signs and break the cycle. Online communities are fertile ground for this type of thing, especially role-playing where you are forming relationships with unknown strangers and who interact mainly on a level that does not take into account the wider context of your life but only what you offer them as a talking doll who exists to make their character (the REALLY important element in the relationship) shine

[trashcanaurin-deactivated201506]

Toxic Roleplayers and YOU

(I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for a while. I’ve been on the fence about posting this for a few reasons. This post is not directed at anyone. This post is a result of talking to counselors over what happened to me, talking at great length to friends, and generally a desire to inform what this type of abuse looks and feels like so that if anyone is in the situation they have a way to step away.)

Okay, before I start talking about toxic roleplayers I want to take a time to discuss toxicity in terms of being around people. 

Toxic people in a word are people who have behaviors or relationships that are unhealthy. The most noticeable of these are people who only speak negatively about everything. The least noticeable of these are the people who are smiles, and charisma to the public but behind the scenes manipulative, controlling, and blameless. Curious about what are some of the warning signs? Have a link.

The type of toxic roleplayer I have personally run into is the Narcissist. Charming, socially skilled, and with a personality of a thousand blooming roses they can do no wrong. 

Ever.

And that’s because for those deeply embroiled in the Narcissist’s world, it’s always your fault. Always.  In an RP setting this can range from your character being responsible for the Narcissist’s character’s pain, to ooc blaming. An example of OOC blame as follows.

Me: Hey remember that plot I wanted to do, can we do that next? Them: Oh well you never said that you wanted to do it now.  Them; I mean I guess we could do it after *Major plot started just now* Me: But that’s what you said last time. Them: Oh my god! I just wanted to run this plot. You have to be better about communicating to me. You know how I am.  Me: Oh… sorry. 

The above is speech crafted carefully. There is no acknowledgement of the other person’s needs. Any hint of blame is gone from one person and directly dumped on the other person as full blown blame with the added caveat, of making the other party feel guilty. Of course you should know how they are! How dare you. You monster.

This is a pattern of interaction, first and foremost, it’s also how timid personalities become dominated. And Narcissists love them some timid personalities. Or vulnerable peeps. And the RP community has an abundance of both. 

And then there’s Gas lighting. Gas lighting is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation. It can turn a rational person into an emotional train wreck. Years and years later I still go from being sane to crying in the bathroom because I hit a low point and oh god I just ruined friendships and no one wants to be around me and wow how awful I am. Gas lighting is manipulation at it’s finest and can leave serious emotional scars.  But what is gas lighting?

Me: Hey can we talk?  Them: Sure! :) Me: I’m really bothered about the ways you’ve been talking to me.  Me; I feel like you don’t want to do my plot at all. me: It really bothers me, and it’s feeling really hurtful. Them: Wow all I ever do is give and then you turn around and say I’m hurting you?  Them: I just needed some space and you’re being too emotional. I can’t handle this right now. I took a step back to give myself a break. Them: you need to get your head straight. Like I love you and I care about you but I’m not going to let you bully me while you’re hysterical.

Gas lighting like above usually presents when you’ve had this relationship going on for a while. It will start out small and casual. Small like oh well I think you’re over reacting. And there’s no big deal or explosive anger on top. Sometimes the anger isn’t explosive, sometimes it’s a concentrated simmer. Either way the person who is shy or timid is the one to start going “Oh man. Is it me? Am I really that hysterical? Am I that bad? This person I trust is telling me these things. OH GOD IT IS TRUE.” And that’s when you wind up crying in the bathtub while two small dogs give you really worried looks. 

And the worst part about that shit is you believe it. It takes a lot to get over that. I still have times where I get paranoid that the abusive people in my past were right and no one wants to be around me because I’m hysterical and crazy and mean. It is normal to have these thoughts once you get out, the important part is to constantly tell yourself your feelings are valid and to make a mantra out of the good things you are. 

But if it was really that bad no one would ever get sucked into that trap! 

AHAHAHAH WRONG. 

This type of toxic person is all smiles and charisma. They are happy, perky, peppy, super extroverted, let’s party! They’re fun and they lavish attention on the meeker personalities. You’re special! You’re my special darling. Who wouldn’t be wary of a new friend that thinks you’re awesome. And that’s the spider web. You become elevated to this amazing place as the right hand of this celebrity. You can do no wrong, you’re special! You, yes you!. And then once they have you hook, line, and sinker, you’re no longer special. You’re the prize that’s been won. For me, looking back at my experiences I feel sick when I think about the courtship phase. If you are someone that fell for the bait, you are a special prize and any one that plays with you should treat you with the respect you deserve. you deserve respect and love. Tell that to yourself in the mirror ever day while standing like superwoman/super man. You are a fucking delight, and worth respect.

But after the honeymoon phase the veil comes off and holy shit. That beautiful celebrity who lavished you with praise and encouragement and this idea that you’re special is starting to treat you poorly. Suddenly you’re not one of the cool kids anymore. And man, that shit can get super dark super fast. This is hard to talk about because I still have the feeling that I’m being hysterical when I speak of these things. And to the outside it looks like you’re being hysterical, surely the celebrity can’t possibly be doing these things that hurt your feelings on purpose.  But that first example of blame is happening behind the scenes. You’re being called hysterical. There’s other things at work. 

On an IC note the roleplay is limited. Before there were hours wasted having fun there’s suddenly no time for you. If you ask for rp you are being a bother. The times rp will happen is when they demand it from you. On an OOC level you are no longer important. And any time you try to talk about it, it’s immediately turned around to you being unreasonable, controlling, or hysterical. You may be in the middle of a plot but it was dropped and any attempts to finish the plot are seen as you being too demanding to the outsiders. 

The discard phase is where most of the lasting damage comes from. 

This part is where the gaslighting and the blame shifting happens. The narcissist is hunting for a new special toy while trying to keep control over you. If you wander to far they will come back and put you into a position where saying no makes you look like a bad person. Walking away at this point is not available. You walk away and they have fuel for the “everyone leaves me” train of talking about how they’re the victim. And it’s a cycle. 

Some other key points to recognize:

Moodswings - rp partner has severe mood swings usually accompanied by a temper tantrum. This usually revolves on other people’s needs no longer lining up with their needs. 

Trash talking - The rper will talk poorly about those in their discard phase. This includes former rp partners who backed away for ANY REASON. School, work, running another guild. Any. reason. Trash talking will include talking badly about other rp guilds and any rpers that don’t follow their rp dogma. If trash talking about their discards they will tack on a just kidding or other phrases to make it seem like they playing. the discard will not know this. 

Secret adultery - Ok. this one sounds weird and controlling, but follow me here. There is one on one relationship rp. The narcissist is simultaneously rping their half in the same timeline with another character. Which if people are adults is fine, do your thing, have that jam. BUT here’s the kicker, they are deliberately trying to hide this from the main person as well as telling the new rp partner things like “don’t tell x! they’re really possessive.” or “this’ll be our secret romance.”  OOC Communication is vital. if you want a cheating drama rp talk like a fucking adult. if you do not communicate it says that the people involved do not deserve respect and courtesy.

Sabotage - This in an rp world is saying things like don’t rp with them they’re really possessive. or other forms of trash talking to new people to make them unappealing to new rp partners and further the idea that all they have is the narcissist. 

Now if you’re sitting here, feeling sick because all of this applies to you or loved ones take a big breath. Evaluate the situation. Do you as a person feel anxious or dread playing a game because the Narcissist in your life makes you feel like shit? Do you feel any of these things found here? There is hope. 

Disengage yourself. It’s tricky, might involve a retcon or two. Write yourself out. Take a couple weeks to treat yourself to long walks, water, a hike, maybe some nice bath products. You are going to be hurting. It’s like ripping duct tape off a rug burn. Grieve. Remind yourself that you are a wonderful person and that’s why they picked you to add to their crown. 

Should I make a tumblr post and warn others about this person.

Tumblr has an unfortunate habit of bringing out the shittiest scumbags who will belittle you and make you feel worse for posting a call out. Just watch the WoW tag and look at the shitty people who are mad at a 15yr old girl talking about the grown men sexually harassing her and her posting the screen shots of Creepy McFuckface being a creepy mc fuckface. 

Keep the logs. Keep screenshots. If you do decide to post your story on tumblr, there will be white knights. There will be nasty people that will tell you you don’t have enough evidence. Be aware that these people would never believe that the toxic person in your life would ever do that. They have the charm of exceptional charisma and a personality that on the outside looks like a bucket of gold and rainbows. But there are people who will believe you and sometimes people will step forward with their own war stories. 

Seriously take the time to evaluate yourself before you decide, any choice you make will be the right one for you. It is absolutely okay to wait until you’re emotionally stable and it’s absolutely okay to decide against a post until other people do so. It’s absolutely ok to not post at all. And some of the effects of gas lighting will persist for years afterwards. It is absolutely ok to see a therapist or a counselor for this type of emotional healing. Do not feel like because it happened in rp that lessens the validity of the manipulations.

 Be strong, and remember that you are a goddamned delight even if you’re crying at 2am about how crazy you must be from what they told you. You are worth respect. 

And keep logs and keep screen shots.

[qatkat-blog]

Reblogging for @rockrivergirls

[qatkat-blog]

I had such a good time at the FFXIV Fanfest in Frankfurt! It was really great to go on an adventure with my favourite people and get to meet even more lovely people. I'm definitely going to treasure the memories and my name badge with the gorgeous sketch of Qat drawn by @castanicatheart💕

[qatkat-blog]

Saeva is finally *almost* at the climax of ARR. I got her to lvl 48 MNK today. She's been sooo very neglected considering she's my one legacy character I've had since FFXIV 1.0. She was stranded on a JP server when 2.0 was released, so I started an alt on Cactuar where my friends were until server transfers opened up several months later. I also really struggled with her look, she didn't *feel* right for ages. Highlander suits her much better, but it's taken a few face and hair tweaks, and I'm STILL not 100% happy with her face. I've been playing her again recently while I've been ill, and I really want to get her to 60 before Stormblood comes out!

[dasboo]

I haven’t been around a lot lately, so you have a Niffler on me, pal!

[garden-forgotten]

☐ Single

☐ Taken

☑ Final Fantasy

[qatkat-blog]

☑ Horses

[qatkat-blog]

This is my baby dragon tree plant (dracaena marginata) and he needs a name. I got him at Ikea, so I'm feeling some Scandinavian influence. My sister likes the name Oskar, and my friends have made bids for Odhran and Reiker. More suggestions please! 🐉🌿

[dasboo]

SCRITCHED MY EARS TOO HARD THERE, MISTER.

[fuckyeahallmyfavouritefandoms]

To the rest of Europe

I just want you to know that I didn’t want this. I really, really didn’t.

And I’m not alone in this, current results are at 52% leave, 48% remain. 48% of voters wanted to stay. We really did. 

Sincerely a young British remain voter who really, really, really wanted to stay in the EU.

[qatkat-blog]

I hate everything right now. I thought everything would be ok, that it was just anxiety telling me we can't have nice things, but then I woke up and realised my fears came true.

[cosmos-kitty]

It feels like forever since I last used my dip pen so I had some fun with it today, the original is available in my store! (◠ω◠✿)

Facebook | DeviantArt | Store | Commissions

[qatkat-blog]

HOLD THE DOOR (Snapped in the Sky carpark lift)

[qatkat-blog]

So, completely against all expectations, I've met a really interesting Canadian guy. Didn't think I'd be back on the horse that quickly...!

[qatkat-blog]

I wish...

I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous, I don't want to have loads of power and authority over other people. I just want somewhere small to live, out in the country, looking after my own horse, maybe some other people's, a dog and a cat maybe. It's such a small dream, but it seems so unachievable sometimes.

[jokususa]

Finnish cavalry training. Don’t try this at home - or anywhere

[chippysings-deactivated20170211]

@qatkat

[qatkat-blog]

That's an interesting take on an owl hole jump!

[dasboo]

Color pass on alpha channel. GIFing it speeds it up a hell of a lot but eeeeeeey.

[qatkat-blog]

Six years ago I left a job in Scotland, and with that job I left this horse behind. He was such a bright spot in a time when I felt constantly undermined and the goalposts were constantly being moved. I needed 3 months of intense therapy to rebuild myself after working with the woman I won't name. Anyway, I helped to look after and back this young horse as a rising three year-old. And I had to leave him with a woman I came to fear and hate. I found out recently that she sold him back to the stud who bred him, and he has since been sold on. I'm really happy he isn't with her any more, but I wish I had seen that he was back up for sale. I probably couldn't have afforded him,and my circumstances aren't ideal right now. I just wish I had the opportunity to see my gorgeous ginger baby again. One day I will have my forever horse, even if it's not Seeker.