Genuine question?? Im a 19 y/o lesbian and ?? I dont find p*nis attractive does that make me a TERF?
Iâm happy you sent this ask, because itâs a perfect place to talk about how someone can get hurt, feel wronged, and become susceptible to extremist recruiting.
First off, treat this as a simple yes or no question, asked with zero surrounding context, the platonic idea of penis preference if you will. âI donât find penises attractiveâ is not a sentiment that makes you a TERF. Youâre okay not liking them. My nonbinary wife doesnât particularly like them, yet they are married to me (who has one) and we love each other more than anything in the world.Â
In fact, in the abstract, I donât like âem much either, and I own one! Ridiculous looking thing, wish I didnât have to deal with it. A general dislike of genitals doesnât make you a TERF⌠not by itself.
Now, here is where the critical thinking comes in, because if you posted something like that on Tumblr or something, it has a different context. You might not even know! It could be a totally innocent mistake, and it happens, and some women either get criticized in ways that makes them feel attacked, or actually attacked because you never know if what you post online is hitting someone on a bad day or a good day.Â
The context first of all is, without any clarifying statements, saying you donât like a genital could imply youâre reducing anyone with that particular set of genitals down to their genitals only. And it could result in either someone telling you it sounds TERFy (if theyâre trying to be gentle) or calling you a TERF (if theyâre out of spoons) because thatâs what TERFs do. Hereâs where it becomes a recruit pitch.
You say âI donât like penises.â This doesnât mean youâre saying you dislike trans women (not all of whom have penises anyway), but if you get the above lecture/yelling, a radfem can come along and empathetically agree how unfair it is that someone made you hurt for saying you donât like a genital, and itâs not fair to tell a lesbian she has to sleep with a male or sheâs a TERF and- OH WAIT A MINUTE!
Hold up, it looks like they were just being nice but wait wait, they just slid cozily from âitâs okay not to like a penisâ to âanyone with a penis is male.â See that? Like a sleight of hand, once youâve agreed with that premises, saying âI donât like penisesâ suddenly becomes attached to âand anyone with a penis is male.â
Alright now in context, going back this kind of equivalency is so common with radfems that at this point saying you donât like a genital is what we call a dogwhistle. Itâs a phrase which is seemingly innocent, and can be innocent, which has been so widely appropriated by a hate group that it carries extra connotations in a certain context. Contexts like posting on Tumblr, which happens to have a particularly large trans population.
Now you canât know every single dogwhistle because thatâs the whole reason they exist - so normal people donât spot someoneâs bigotry and it looks like a disenfranchised group is getting angry over an innocent statement.
And lastly, which you probably already know, but generally not being interested in something doesnât have to equate to disliking anyone with that trait, or even not being attracted to someone with that trait. I bring this up because the difference between a lesbian who just generally doesnât like genital and a TERF is that the TERF things anyone with a penis is automatically bad and a male and probably reading this right now thinks Iâm saying you have to have sex with men or like penises, somehow, despite saying exactly the opposite.
You may have a general preference, but in practice Iâm sure youâve already found a difference between âI am physically attracted to how this person looksâ and âHoly shit I am in love this person is amazing and everything about them is beautiful.â If you havenât had that experience yet, I can promise you some day you will. Not necessarily over genitals, but some day someone will come into your life and youâll love every part of them whether or not itâs something you normally find abstractly attractive.
Keep your heart open to love, keep your mind open to constructive criticism, and youâll never be a radfem or TERF or SWERF or whatever. Thatâs all.
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