quaranbabes

aaaaaaaa

[quaranbabes]

HELLO !! Reviving this account because I forgot it existed and I finally remembered my password. I MISS YOU GUYS A LOT !! I hope each and every one of you are doing well and prospering and just having a good time. We should plan our yearly trip soon too. The first person to see this pls message me “DePiglio” with no context thanks😌

[quaranbabes]

hi everyone! i forget to come on here all the time but niv’s tweet reminded me!

honestly not much to update on milestone-wise. i finished up my semester with a 3.5 gpa (im v proud), then started my metabolism rotation the week after! been slacking a bit on my research project, but i cant say that’s been all my fault-- my committee has been sorta shitty with responding. i counseled my first ever full session this past wednesday which was terrifying but also boosted my confidence, and i am still feeling pretty good about being a gc!!! i still get these pangs of imposter syndrome here and there, but this summer it’s been nice because i am not in classes with my cohort and so i don’t have anyone to compare myself to other than me! i have also definitely realized that i base so much of my self-worth on what other people think of me or how talented/popular/smart i am in comparison to others. i am working on unlearning this, but it’s hard. looking back, i’ve realized how much of the love i received as a child was conditional-- my mom would only treat me well as long as i was able to provide her something to brag about (whether it be good grades, beating swim team records, winning writing competitions, etc.). i felt that i had to be perfect and work hard in order to earn love, and i think that’s why i struggle so much when i don’t perform up to “standard”. being friends with you all and being with amanda has been an amazing help and honestly helped me revolutionize the way i think about how i deserve love. amanda especially has helped me unlearn this-- she really is the definition of unconditional love, and i cannot wait to get married to her someday.

it’s also been hard this past year trying to balance school and a social life. i see groups hanging out without me or no one likes a groupme message, and my first thought is “damn, i must have done something for them to hate me.” I KNOW this is unrealistic, but i get so damn paranoid. i’m sure it ties into the above paragraph somehow, but im not willing to dive into that today haha. i’ve been trying to get better about making plans v. waiting to be invited, and that has definitely helped, but it still hurts when i see people hanging out without me. my friend lauren has also told me she feels the same way with our cohort, and knowing i’m not alone has helped immensely. i just dont know how i can get out of this thought pattern. it’s always a very conscious and dedicated effort to get out of that headspace, and it’s becoming so tiring. i dont know why i care so deeply about what others think of me-- i also dont know why i assume it’s always something bad. i guess i have always felt this way, even since i was a kid, and i just assumed that with age this feeling would just... go away???? i never realized that adults could be just as clique-y and gossip-y as teenagers. i guess that is pretty naive, but hey a girl can dream!

anyway this was a lot more introspective and sad than i was originally intending so i apologize. i am so excited to see you all and go on our seattle trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. lol i bought a lady dimitrescu costume the other day.. as a treat! i will be a 9 ft tall vampire lady with massive tiddies and no one can stop me >:)

[quaranbabes]

Hello guys, 

no real life updates, but a ship that I have been into on and off for the past 6 years is finally coming to an end! In a way this is good because some of the last ties I had to 16 year old me is ending, but in another way I feel weirdly very sad. I know its 2021 and we’re 23 ( or almost 23), but I honestly am still trying put together how I went from 21 to 23 in the middle of a pandemic. It’s so wild how one minute we were college seniors (/recently graduated), and now we’re all transitioning to having jobs full time. Its been such a weird shift for me, and Im still trying to process and come to terms with it. The last year has really the worst fever dream! Anyways, I guess I am just feeling really introspective and nostalgic. I hope this next year of life makes up for the past god awful shitty last one, and I see you all more. I really miss you guys. 

[quaranbabes]

(my google calendar if I was icarus)

tomorrow is my last-first day of school! I know that I’ve said that before, but I mean it this time. the college would not let me take any more semesters even if I wanted to.

my job and future in chicago is something that is feeling more and more real everyday, and it’s fueling me a lot right now and hopefully even more in the coming months. I’m having lots of guilt coming up about lots of different things. not sure why that trend is happening.

at the cost of being vague, relationships... why? you know?

learned a lot about what I want/need from my romantic relationships over the past few years, and I very much dislike that fact that knowing what you want/need and not getting it feels worse than not knowing and feeling generally bad. settling is a weird concept and my therapist keeps making thoughtful ‘hm’ noises and asking me open-ended questions instead of telling me exactly what to do about my relationships, like some kind of heartless monster. kidding. kim if you see this I love you I am just incapable of original thought

this year is going to be a long one, but I think and hope it will be better than the last one! my fingers are crossed! my savings account is empty, but my loans? maxed!

miss you all

[quaranbabes]

hey guys!!

i haven’t posted for a bit cause there have been no real exciting updates, yaknow? but now classes for second semester are starting and i see my first patient tomorrow! it all feels so real now. so overwhelming, but so real. it’s exciting to see that all my hard work over the past five years is finally coming to fruition. and cause i’m a medical student facing clinical patients, i get to get the covid vaccine next week! i have a lot of hope that we’ll be able to see each other all in person again by the end of the year.

some other things that happened recently that i’m pretty sure you all somewhat know

-amanda came and spent christmas with my family (we pulled a happiest season) and it actually went very well! my fam really likes her, and so i am hoping that that will ease things a bit when it comes time to come out -i have gotten a lot closer to julia and tilly (the wearp canadian-floridian couple) and they’ve introduced me to minecraft and streaming lol - so as daniel suggested, we should play some time -my car is in the shop AGAIN (this is like the fourth set of repairs this past month) so if i die it’s likely that 1. the car exploded, or 2. i have to sell my soul to cover the cost of repairs -i’ve gotten really into embroidery (thank u niv) and i am really working on learning more about it and how to improve it! i am proud that i am finally doing something for myself and my own enjoyment rather than to for profit/academics -i am CONVINCED that i have adhd, and i have an assessment scheduled. there’s a lot more on this so i won’t get into it now, but god it all makes so much sense -i have gotten closer to some of my cohort! and i am trying to become better about not being so suspicious of others and to stop making up worst-case scenarios in my head. i always feel that people talk about me behind my back, or that people only pretend to like me, overthink reactions/tones, etc (not with you guys though, which is so nice) and it has always been a huge source of stress. i’ve been trying to logic out these thoughts and have been talking to amanda and my best friend in the cohort, lauren, about them and they are really helping me come to terms with reality!!! 

so ultimately, pretty good updates. just feeling a bit nervous about it all. 

[quaranbabes]

Friends! I am starting to get really upset at miss corona! I would simply like for this year to be over! Unfortunately I do not have any real updates this time, except that I wanted to post to show im alive lol and that I really love and miss all of you :(

[quaranbabes]

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted y’all. WHAT’S UP MY HOES 💖 listening to Beach House as I do this so behold:

I feel like I’ve been doing that thing when I get so used to isolation that explaining everything seems harder than it is. Aniexty and depression?? Like I for real have been cracking a bit. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be successful and it’s finally dawning on me as I try to navigate work and home. It makes me a real asshole to be around sometimes and unless I work on that issue, other areas of my life are gonna suffer. It’s ugly sometimes, as I’m sure all of you have picked up on while living w me at some point or the other 😶

Today I took a day off from work just to rest and take care of some things, and I am so looking forward to break. I’m off starting Tuesday :) We talked about meeting but uhhh I understand due to corona why that may not happen. I would still like to do something though! Please let us be chaotic together a few times.

Everything is not all bad though. My therapist, A BLACK WOMAN 🌞, has been working with me through that one issue. I have not been doing the homework for it! My brother and I are getting closer too, which is great. We’re 7 years apart but he’s cool as hell and gives me hope for the future. (Ignore how corny that sounds!) I wanted to go to Vegas with him over the break but that is an insanely stupid idea right now. Relationships, family ones esp, are so magnified for me this year. I guess the universe doesn’t want me to flail around anymore.

Love and miss you all. I think about you every day! I am screaming into the void! 🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚🌚

[quaranbabes]

little, fun snippet from a research paper I'm reading for one of my last linguistics courses! it's high-level/pretty frustrating sometimes, but it's about affective emotion and how it relates to computing and is really interesting.

it is midnight on a sunday and I'm in between take home midterms and I am trying to stay optimistic while my brain goes sicko mode. tomorrow I'm meeting with two dogs at the local shelter here and might adopt one of them as an ESA and will send pics for you guys. they both seem really cute, and I/my therapist/most people who know me have made it clear that they think it could help. adopting a dog as an ESA is a mixed bag for me because although I love dogs and will love the hell out of the dog I was planning on waiting until latter on in my 20s to adopt one and to adopt it as a non-ESA but we are where we are and I'm working on accepting where I am in relation to where I want to be.

anyways I hope the week goes well for you guys. miss you lots!!

[quaranbabes]

hey friends,

things have been a bit (insanely) busy. i have mostly good news, but i am just exhausted. i feel like grad school is like that greek myth with the hydra. you cut off one head and three more grow back in its place. i’m worried about burning out. i feel like i just finished midterms and now i’m already preparing for the next set of exams. i started a ten page paper and presentation a day before it was due and just presented it today. i think it went well, but now it’s onto preparing for my next role-play, studying for embryology, and developing my research proposal. i just want 24 hours to sleep.

amanda’s been keeping me sane. we went for a walk after my presentation today at hundred acres and we saw FUNKY BONES. if you’ve read the fault in our stars, that’s where the main characters go on a date. it’s just a large skeleton that u can walk on. it was so nice getting out and even though it’s been super dark and dreary recently, the fresh air felt super nice. i really got those ~over the garden wall~ autumn vibes.

i miss you all so much. i think about you guys a lot. (and dont worry! i have not forgotten about writing letters, i just really have not had much time to sit down and draft them. and when i do have free time, it’s really constrained to One Relaxing Thing and then back to work, so i’ve had to be a bit picky about what i have time to invest in).

i feel like it’s my fault that i feel so swamped right now. i always take on too much. i just got a job as a research assistant at a parkinson’s lab. i am serving on the outreach committee for a student organization. instead of using a pre-conceived research proposal, i decided to come up with my own (giving me like x3 as much work as my classmates). i am really hoping it will pay off in the end since i am hoping to be more invested in the work as a result. so far it’s been a pretty horrible decision.

my research director’s husband suddenly died in a freak accident a few weeks ago. they had been childhood friends (like, they grew up as neighbors from kindergarten) and dated in high school and had been married for over forty years. it’s the most fucking tragic thing i have ever heard. my research proposal is due in two days and she just came back to work today. i didn’t want to bother her while she was grieving, and so i worked on my proposal independently and asked other faculty to review my proposal. it’s 6 pages and i’m currently working on the 4th draft. i had her review it today and she says that i need to re-do it because the scope is too broad. 

i know its not her fault that she hasnt been able to be here and i cant imagine the pain she is going through, but COME ON. i was given absolutely nothing to go on. i feel like i was just pushed into the ocean without ever being taught how to swim. i don’t know how she expects me to draft a completely new proposal with 48 hours notice AND with a full day of classes tomorrow (8am-5:30pm with an hour break for lunch) AND with other time-sensitive homework due. i am so tired. 

none of my other classmates have had to write proposals, and so they are farther ahead on assignments for next week that i haven’t even had the chance to start. i know i shouldn’t be comparing myself to them, but i just do. i feel like a kid compared to them. they all have these amazing time-management skills, they all do WONDERFULLY on their presentations and their role-plays, and they all seem to do it without panicking each step of the way. i know that i am likely not seeing the whole picture, but i feel like i have to work twice as hard to be half as competent as them. these things don’t come naturally to me at all. i’ve been telling amanda that i am not smart, i am just a hard worker. she gets mad at me when i say that, but it’s true. i’m just worried that hard work won’t be enough to get me through this program.

on the bright side, because i am so busy, it feels like time has been going by so quickly. it’s hard to believe i have only one more month of in-person classes for this semester before thanksgiving break, and then finals pretty soon after that. that’s also pretty terrifying though, since that means i’ll be starting seeing patients in clinical rotations soon too. 

i think i might have to talk to my therapist about upping my dosage of zoloft (WHICH, SIDE NOTE, HAS ALSO BEEN SUPER DIFFICULT SINCE IT MAKES ME SO FOOKIN’ SLEEPY. i hope the side effects subside soon) i started taking it a few weeks ago to help with anxiety. i haven’t felt much of an effect other than the side effects, which is ... not ideal. i know that it takes a while to get the full effect though, and i’ll be seeing my PCP on friday to talk about how its been going. i’ll update y’all then!

anyway, time to get back to my proposal. hope you are all well :)

[quaranbabes]

hello buttheads

(You are all lovely buttheads.)

Been realizing the importance of self-care every day. I thought I’d had this sorted out with Virgo season but in truth I’ve been wound up during the weeks quite a bit. For starters I feel very cramped at home, like my wings are clipped. That’s kinda infuriating because for the most part I can adapt to my circumstances. I’m mad that I have to now, and I’m trying to keep my long term goals in view. 

More importantly, it’s hard to establish the routines that have held me together fo the past couple of years. 5 people in one place is super hard and we don’t have the space to spread out. Real world constraints are a very real thing right now on top of what I have to do during the day. I’m enjoying my three day weekend (happy Indigenous People’s Day!) in comfortable pajamas and forced rest. 

I don’t like to burn out on the weekends and I have a lot of goals. Do you see the anxiety loop I’m in? It’s gonna take time to get on track in Chicago but I’m trying my hardest. I start therapy next week for real this time and I’m hoping that in tangent with more self-care practice can keep me afloat right now. Creatively I’m terrified to really start anything and I’m 99% sure it’s because that’s all I have left to do. I literally have to write down the stories and poems and outlines for what I’d like to get accomplished and I freeze up. So I am here attempting to take it easy on myself but it is no small task and I’m missing my solitude. There is quite a bit of inspiration around me and I’m seized by this fear that I can’t pin down. 

The fall weather has been doing wonders for me, so taking some time outside was good today. The air has a romantic feeling in it and I’ve been finding ways to tranfer that into my life, alone. These things come together best when I’m in a stable headspace and enriching other areas of my life. Grounding in reality, all that crap. This is just a prime time to practice and get acquainted with myself. 

I’ve been meaning to write to all of you but it’s hard. Hopefully you’re all ok in your corners of the world. Remember to breathe steadily and release energy. :) Love from booger.

[quaranbabes]

today two separate people invaded our online class spaces and one of them said to the teacher “you need a new wig?” before I removed them. another one interrupted our prep time so i made a confused face and he said “you ugly as hell hahaha” 

this isn’t even the worst thing a kid can say to you but it took me by surprise lmao. their personalities are jumping out in class...also my teacher sounds EXACTLY like my grandma so hi Angie! lol 

I’m realizing that my staying power through things is stunted, and there’s nothing I can do besides...do it? Mars stationed Rx today in Aries so I’ve seen a lot of ~rest~ and *nap* energy from the astrologers I follow. My work schedule just doesn’t allow for the same amount of freedom anymore and it’s really gonna be on me to get my goals done this month. productivity shouldn’t matter anymore, yes, I completely agree. the entire concept needs to be thrown in the gutter since this is how society has turned out while exploiting labor in its’ name. However it’s become so clear to me this year that I HAVE to be striving towards something for my fulfillment (and in turn, this nourishes my self love so I can love others). does that make sense? I’m being intentional when I’m buzzing around a task or project so those fluid feelings aren’t the usual adrenaline rush of small successes w no large successes.

Also guess what? I told Niv this but I did NOT pass my GWS class this summer so I did not graduate. Practically speaking I should get ahead on this but w a full-time job AND the world ending...WHO CARES LMAO. if Mars Rx says to rest, I’ll handle everything on my plate in my own time. No one is leaving this year unscathed. 

The wildfires have been on my mind a lot this week. I think they’ll start creeping into my dreams. 

[quaranbabes]

interview went ok i think !! Another thing I didn’t talk about earlier is that i’m learning italian with a  a classmate of mine !! We’re zoom calling today, but i’m so happy to potentially make another friend, ill update you all how that goes!!

[quaranbabes]

I have an interview in about 30 minutes and I am really nervous

So instead of freaking out I am typing it on this tumblr HAHA! If it was some sort of normal interview I would be nervous but ok, but this is a very math heavy, think on the spot sort of interview. AKA the bane of my existence. However, I think I need to be ok with testing my comfort zone, and this will only help me as I work and develop myself. I wish I could be better about the nervousness though, ive basically been freaking out since Tuesday. Anyways, wish me luck!! love you all ( AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL!!) 

[quaranbabes]

aging angst post

today is technically september third and tomorrow is my twenty second birthday. angst is a thing I feel. that is all.

kidding! I mean, evan is coming down tomorrow/today for a few days and I’ve been talking to one or two guys on tinder. one that I hooked up with last semester and one that I was thinking about hooking up with. I am content with my hoe-lsomeness but it will not stop the angst because life is big and complicated and long and too short and also full of grossly extravagant expectations and who’s ever happy with turning twenty two specifically?

my dad used to lie down in our basement in the dark every year and all day on his birthday. unsure if it’s still a habit. hoping to not follow in his footsteps in a lot of ways but especially with that

[quaranbabes]

i have been listening to this song nonstop after the wayhaught proposal episode... and i know i still have a bit of time but honestly it is making me so excited about one day marrying amanda. i tagged the singer on twitter and asked if she would sing this for our first dance (mostly as a joke/shitpost) but she said yes and that has me absolutely dying!!

it’s weird because i feel so young and naive but at the same time, it’s our three year anniversary in a few weeks (SPEAKING OF, IDK WHAT TO GET HER, ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE GREAT) and living with her has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. i am channeling my inner teenage schoolgirl daydreaming and imagining what the wedding is going to look like and how you guys will all look as maids of honor / groomsmen (without the groom?). i’ve thought a lot about how i dont want only bridesmaids-- some of the most important people in my life are men and i want them to be involved in the wedding to the “bridesmaid” extent. that whole concept of the bride only having her female friends and the groom only having male friends is so fucking dated and weird???? like, if you are important in my life, i want you to be part of the wedding ceremony- why should gender determine that. (side note, i think you all would look so fucking hot if our wedding colors were like, either dark green, or maroon, or something sort of darker/better for fall)

anyway, that’s a bit off the point. i initially wanted to write this post to talk about the therapy i started. it’s teletherapy so it’s a bit hard to communicate without the nonverbal cues and everything (but also that might be for the best because every time she acknowledges that something i express is difficult or traumatizing i start to cry!). but i really like my therapist. her name is laurel and it makes me think of tina from the l word. she’s been great so far. we’ve talked a lot about how to distance myself from my parents and she’s been very helpful and practical with her suggestions. she’s helped me realize that i tend to catastrophize things and that i procrastinate mostly due to anxiety about not knowing where or how to start. so for example, instead of transferring all my money from my mom and i’s shared account to one of my own (and thus, arousing suspicion from my mom), she recommended opening a new account without telling her, and once i get a part time job in the area, setting up direct deposit for that. she even suggested starting a joint account with amanda if i felt that i could trust her to that extent, or if amanda is uninterested, at least having her come along with me to do it. that way if worst comes to worst and my mom does take all my money, at least i have something decent to fall back on.

also, just being an Adult, she was able to answer some basic questions about the process that i had been irrationally nervous about. this also goes for health insurance-- i’ve been so worried that if my dad found out about my sexuality he would remove me from the insurance plan. laurel actually told me that’s not even possible unless there’s a very specific reason (i.e. getting married and switching over to your spouse’s insurance). and that eliminates SO MUCH WORRY because if i dont have health insurance i cant complete my grad program because you need it to do clinical rotations. 

i just really think i need to get better at thinking in smaller steps in order to avoid anticipatory anxiety and in just two sessions so far she’s helped me realize how i can approach doing that. and she’s definitely made me realize and better appreciate how much support amanda has given me through all this. like, yes, i always knew amanda was helping, but laurel has identified so many ways that she’s impacted my life in ways i didnt even think about. GOD I JUST FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW

[quaranbabes]

I’m sitting by the dirty Chicago river walk thinking about how SEXY you all are

[quaranbabes]

already feeling a bit overwhelmed with all my assignments/readings/meetings and so on for grad school but so far i have been enjoying the content. it’s definitely more interesting and feels more worthwhile knowing that what i am reading for class will *actually* apply to real life. 

also being so professional all the time is such a weird feeling. i’ve gotten so used to going to classes in pajamas, signing emails with “hey ___” instead of “dear professor,” and making gay jokes. i definitely have had to check myself a few times and im a bit worried i am going to offend one of my classmates or something by making some stan twitter joke. 

today in class a super strict “karen”-esque professor had us go around and tell everyone something fun we did over summer. so obviously i said “i had a private zoom call with my favorite actress” because that’s A COOL THING RIGHT? well, the teacher was like “who? what did you talk about?” and i was like “oh it’s a canadian actress named kat barrell. we talked about sailor moon and she-ra” and i sort of laughed when saying it to indicate that that was supposed to be sort of funny. and the professor simply goes “ohh” in the Most Judgmental Voice ever and was like “moving along” AND I WAS SO EMBARRASSED like dude... i know we are all supposed to be professional and adult and shit but like, come on, that’s funny (a few of my classmates laughed and asked me about it after class, so that was nice) but now im afraid i have started off on the wrong foot with one of the *worst* professors

anyway, to counteract that not great story, here’s something that boosted my ego: i wore this outfit today and was feeling myself! inspired by adele haenel ofc. but i was walking through the student center and i noticed two girls checking me out-- i mean, they looked me up and down and then looked at each other and like, raised their eyebrows at each other. one of them had a rainbow sticker on her laptop so i was like “ya i see u”. but pretty much i spent the rest of the day so confident it was such a great feeling. 

hope you all are well <3

next time i post i have to tell you about all my new canadian and australian wynonna earp twitter friends