one thing abusers do is make you feel like a bad person for normal things, like having healthy instincts, learning from your experience, assuming what is logical, expecting others to be consistent with their words and behaviour.
For example, abusers will snap and hurt you without warning in a situation where you’d never expect it, and then, since you’re a logical human being who learns from experience, you will expect they would hurt you again in a similar situation, but if you show your anxiety/fear/reluctance to open up to them or any other reaction they don’t want you to have, suddenly you’re a bad person for even thinking they would ever do such a thing, if you mention the event that makes it easy to see that logically since they did that once, they would do it again, suddenly you’re delusional and imagining things! How can you accuse them like that! And thus you’re denied to learn from your own experience and assume that they would be consistent, just keeping track of how they react to things and what they’re likely to do is like a sin for them, they want to stay completely unpredictable so that when you’re scared of them, you’re not even allowed to show it, and when you try something you never know which time they’re going to explode and go off on you and abuse you, and afterwards they’ll pretend it didn’t even happen and that you have no excuse for acting scared or acting like they’ve done anything wrong, ever. And when they act out in a new situation, then it’s your fault because you should have expected it. See how insane this is? They will bring you into situation where no reaction you have can be acceptable, and nothing you know about them is real, and that’s exactly where they want you, questioning and blaming yourself and feeling lost and confused and wanting any kind of guidance from them about how to approach them and interact with them, and this is what gives them complete control over every interaction with you, enabling them to get whatever they want from you, and you still feeling like you should be grateful they didn’t damage you more than they already did during it.
This is why I say, their point of view doesn’t matter. As long as you take in their input about what happened and their version of the story, they’ll have an easy time gaslighting and manipulating you to the ends of earth, their version of the story is imagined to make you feel like you’re the worst person on the planet for not believing them and giving them what they believe they deserve, even they know that what they’re saying has happened is a lie! They know very fucking well what they did and with what intent and they’re just waiting to do it again, and you’re supposed to be open to abuse at any point they find convenient.
If someone’s version of a past event conveniently leaves out how much they hurt you, how wrong and selfish they were, and they instead focus on your reaction to their cruelty and start blaming you and hurting your perception of yourself, you can stop trying to see their point of view, it’s imaginary, you already know the truth.
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