Arraplane & her flying wing

26- author of my own history

[queenbeelion]

THOUGHTS OF OCTOBER

I barely sleep at night not because of depression and anxiety but because of thinking how am I gonna execute my plans, to turn my imagination to reality. There are instances that failed to fulfill my duties just because I cant fit in.

On a second thought maybe I was just being ridiculous or being lazy. I wanted a lot of things and I easily got frustrated when I cant have what I want.

My shop was doing well but I decided to close it not just because of the pandemic but because I cant see the picture that Ive always dreamt of. My main plan was to build a cafe where people can relax and chill for a minute. I expected things to go smoothly but it never happened. I ended up being more alone than ever.

I cant seek help coz there’s no one else available. I couldnt make the place relaxing and pleasing as I had to consider different factors. I used to work under pressure but the pressure that I got this time was way more demanding.

I have a lot of great ideas on my mind but I cant make it real. I was in the middle of a brainstorming and I can feel that I cant fit anywhere, I just realised that all I have to do is to trust my guts and be a better version of myself.

I always dreamt of coffee shop before I turned 25 and I’m not gonna stop until I get what I want.

I already failed at love, failed at education and failed as an OFW. I dont wanna fail on this beautiful dream of mine.

xo, B

[queenbeelion]

Listening to this and again having yosi made me realise things. The sky is brighter than ever, it feels like a new beginning. But I was feeling a little different, can’t deny that this Virus is eating me up inside. I wanted to live I really do. Months ago I felt the other way and wanted to end my life in an instant. I was a fool I know but I had a change of heart, people are dying without being able to make a life full of brightness. I was in the dark and never thought that I’ll be begging for life like no other. My world is not perfect and so am I. The last few days someone has been dragging me down, I haven’t been able to sleep since then, I don’t want him to affect me but he does how unlicky of me. I never wanted to pay attention as I am facing my own fears. I don’t know what to think but right my main concern is for me to get into another place and live. I made wrng decisions in the past and today I wanted to be happy and live in the world full of possibilities and opportunities. So shoutout to this someone who’s still dragging me into his madness, I’m sorry but I wanted positivity and if it takes for us to be apart I will accept that even if it breaks me.

[queenbeelion]

ALL I WANT

I was having coffee & yosi while playing the most depressing song by Kodaline called “ALL I WANT”. 

It made me realise things I’d never admit before. I was hurting not just a broken heart but I hurt in my whole body Blair Waldorf said that first and I can totally relate. I’ve spent three days and two nights in the hospital getting treatment for insomia and having a good conversation with my psychiatrist. Taking meds for anxiety and depression, for a moment I stop caring about the people around me and started loving myself. I used to be happy and positive then I turned into this lonely wolf who seek affection and approval from everybody. I lived to impress other people, hide my true self and avoid interaction with reality. I was eaten by the thing called judgement. I lost myself to certain people who can’t love me for what I am. I avoided to trust myself and hated everyone who really cared for me. I stop talking to the world and embrace this darkness and loneliness inside me. I was bothered by the fact that no one would really understand me. I wanted to kill myself but I couldn’t. All I EVER WANTED is to be love, be accepted and be appreciated but wanting it so much broke me into million pieces. I was devastated and so angry but I couldn’t do anything. So I started to seek medication again, started to be healthy , Ive been talking to my therapist again. I’ve avoided social media and even some people that caused me pain. I’m not even close to my best self not even 80% but I am glad that I seek help and accepted defeat but it doesnt mean you’ll lose me. I’ll be back when I am fully recovered. 

xoxo,

Bianca

[queenbeelion]

X

“I can’t breathe.. “

Nearly 10 years have passed and I found myself still facing this problem...

I’ve never wrote about you or talked about you. I was denial and was hurting. Leaving you was one of the best thing that ever happened to me and it’s one of the most painful one. 

We were young & full of dreams, we’re inseparable and could have made a great couple but we are growing apart. I was devastated and intimidated of what you are and what you’ve become..

Over the years I kept my distance from you and look for my self on the other side of the world. I’ve never had the chance to face my heartaches, never had the chance to deal with our story’s ending. Ive never had the chance to say how much you changed me. I’ve made a pact that no matter what happen you will always have a place in my heart, I swear you always have.

I’ve never loved anyone that much, you consumed almost half of me. I was still on the stage of asking why’d it happen, why can’t we be together.

Coming back home made it even harder for me, questions are being asked. I’m losing my mind again. I was criticise and judge, some people see me as a threat to your life and your current relationship.

I’ve never intended to break a bond or hurt anyone, I’ve never said that I would stop loving you but does not mean that Ive never loved a man after you.

I’ve never regret losing you nor loving you what I do regret is going away for so long trying to escape my own sad reality.

I wished I could keep myself together without losing anyone in my life. I wished I had the courage to find myself in a different way. 

I regret wishing that we’re on another life and that we could still be together, I hate feeling guilty thinking about you while loving someone else.

I was hating myself for hurting someone who really cared for me. 

“I cant breathe.”

I wanna make you mine.

[queenbeelion]

“I left you for so long, I’m sorry”

After my 3 year journey in the land down under, finally I had the guts to get back where I left off exactly 4 years ago. I wasn’t talking about a specific place I was talking about my Medtech journey, before I came to Sydney to pursue my hospitality management studies, I was a Medtech student first. Well I’ve enjoyed my college days the most, I found this amazing side of me and the most solid friends ever. But I can’t avoid the bad times instead of dealing with it I found myself running away from it, hoping that the day will come and I’ll get over it and forget about it including my deepest desire to be a medical doctor someday.

I was running too fast I didn’t even bother hurting everybody else around me, I thought I’ve got to a better place but it was the opposite. I’ve got all the chances and opportunities in the last 3 years but still it’s not enough to make me feel genuinely happy. I graduated and no one seems to see my achievements. Instead they see me as a spoiled and privileged girl who doesn’t seem to know how hard life was.

I never had the chance to deal with my own issues, I never had the chance to say things out loud, and I never had the chance to keep trying once again.

One day I found myself uncontented and very lonely, can’t explain it but I wasn’t proud of my accomplishments and definitely wasn’t happy about my life decisions. So I left my opportunities to live a better life in Australia (which is silly, btw) and come back to my miserable life here in the Philippines to pursue my dreams since childhood.

I wasn’t proud that I wasted another chance in my life but I have never regretted anything ever. Things have changed, everyone seems happy and they’ve moved on and here I am still wandering.

Like I said everything’s changed, the curriculum changed , students (my classmates) were very fun and active in school activities plus they are very young and attentive. On the otherside here I am going back to school, been reading a lot and studying intensely cause I can’t deny it I am not who I was when I started studying Medtech in 2012. My memory sucks, my body clock is annoying and lastly I lost the great gift of being talkative and approachable.

I knew I was ready to comeback but I’ve never thought it would be this hard. Everyone criticise me for this and I’m not gonna give up on this. I was ready to bet, I was ready to fall and stand again and I am ready to face my deepest fears for the last time.

So welcome back to me, let’s me show you how strong and dedicated I am now. Let me assure you I’ll get that RMT in a few years.

Xo, BIANKY

[queenbeelion]

I thought I was having a career detour

Part 1

I am few months away to graduation and I was about to give up on my dreams again. I started this new journey of mine ‘bout 3 years ago when I gave up my dream to be a RMT then doctor.

When people ask me kung bakit hindi ko na pinursue yung Medtech, I wanted to tell them sana I could face you and tell u the truth, di ko kasi alam kung paano ko sasagutin e. Back then akala ko I was in a really bad place, feeling ko kasi sobrang bobo ko nun parang ang walang kwenta ng buhay ko. Parang hindi ko naman kakayanin na makagraduate, I doubted myself kasi yung laman ng utak ko is parang ang bobo ko masyado.

On my first semester on my proper I failed 3 major subjects ng Medtech, I can’t even tell my family kasi sobrang nahihiya ako, mahal mahal ng tuition ko super spoiled pako tapos ano bagsak bagsak ako. Hindi naman dahil nagbolakbol ako or what. Sa totoo lang nung mga panahon na yun dun ako pinaka nag aral talaga, halos hindi na nga ko natutulog sa pagrereview at pagbabasa. Kapag nagdidinner kami sa labas or nay pupuntahan kami palagi kong may dalang book or reviewer pero still hindi pa din sapat.

Siyempre hindi ko naman inilihim yon how can I? I don’t lie pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay, so ayun nag tuloy ako ulit kahit super pinanghihinaan nako ng loob. Then someone talked to me sabi niya “ Ara okay lang na bumagsak ka ngayon, parte talaga yan ng buhay. Try mo nalang ulit, there’s nothing wrong about that. Pero kapag bumagsak ka ulit after niyan saka ka mag isip baka talaga ngang hindi para sayo yan”.

So ayun, tuloy ang life aral ulit ng bongga. Sa totoo lang hindi naman ako nag iisang bumagsak sa mga kaklase ko non. Madami kami as in halos buong klase nga or kung hindi man buong klase basta madami kami. Dahil halos 3 major yung bagsak ko both with lecture and laboratory classes yun halos wala na akong nakuhang ibang subject other than that, may units allowed lang kasi sa bawat semester at sobrang konti lang yung nakuha kong units halos yung 3 major subjects at computer class lang yata ang nakuha ko the following sem.

Sa second sem na inulit ko yung nga ibinagsak ko, sobrang naenjoy ko naman yung pag aaral. Mas madali na siya kumpara dun sa unang take ko, siyempre siguro andun na yung factor na napag aralan ko na siya before kaya madali nalang or should I say mas madali nalang. Back then masasabi kong nag improve naman talaga ako. Pero at the end of that semester kinulang pa din yung effort ko sa isang major subject so I need to repeat it on the next semester. Pang 3rd take ko na sa subject na yun.

I started ghosting my friends na, nahihiya kasi ako na halos naiwanan na nila ako. Sobrang sama ng loob ko nung mga panahon na yun siyempre alam ko naman kasi sa sarili kong nag aral naman ako, nag effort naman ako pero kulang pa din. Napaisip ako siguro nga di kasi talaga ko matalino, siguro nga hindi ako ganun kasipag mag aral, siguro nga kasi talagang mahina ako pumick up sa lessons. Pero paano naman ako madidisappoint mga magulang ko at pano na pangarap ko? Mag dodoctor pako.

For the first time in my life, sinabi ko sa sarili ko kahit na di nalang ako makapg med school, kahit di nako magka license basta makagraduate nlang sana ko. Super pressured kasi ako makagraduate, maybe because I wanted my parents to be proud kasi sila they never had the chance to finish their studies too. So sana gusto ko mapagraduate nila ko.

Noong mga panahon na yun I wasn’t sure kung talaga kaya ko pa. I have my goals pero I have my deepest fears as well. May mga bagay at salitang nakasakit sakin in the past from my relatives and I can’t forget that. Para na siyang naka auto play sakin.

[queenbeelion]

I hate you even before we met, Now I found out why!

My life was full of ups and down, you may or may not noticed it but I am sure you are aware.

Everyday madami akong nakikilala, nakakasalamuha, nagiging kaibigan and sometimes nagiging kaaway....

Sa bawat taong nakikilala ko palaging mayroong moment na sasabihin sayo na “ Alam mo dati akala ko suplada ka, alam mo akala ko maldita or mataray ka, alam mo ang kikay mo, ang gaganda ng make up mo, ang sarap ng buhay mo, ang rk mo naman, buti kapa nasa ibang bansa ka and yada yada yada

Normal yun that’s what we can first impression. Sometimes it lasts and sometimes napapalitan siya ng good memories that will make a good foundation for friendship.

Ako yung taong most of the time magiging kaibigan mo, I’m easy going, Madaldal at wala akong arte sa katawan. I wasn’t sosyal, suplada or mataray at lalong higit sa lahat hindi ako plastic very open akong tao. Sometimes my friends and family hate me kasi masyado akong open book for everyone. Madaming misinterpretation sa pagkatao ko at iilang mga tao lang ang may gutz para lapitan ako at makipag kaibigan sakin...

Noon inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong sobrang daming kaibigan, I always wanted to be that person. Ako kasi yung mga kaibigan sila na talaga ang mga kasama ko since day 1 even our parents were friends bago pa kami ipanganak! Haha

While exploring the life that I wanted I suddenly feel uncomfortable having a lot of friends so I stop being friends with some of them. Minsan kasi they bring the worst in you or minsan naman you don’t feel happy being friends with them anymore. But that was years ago...

When I reached 21 nafeel ko parang ang dami kong namimissed na good memories sa buhay ko. Andami kong hindi nagagawa, wala akong madaming kaibigan, I don’t go out of the house, I don’t go on dates and lastly I don’t talk to anyone...

Until one day I let my guard down and embrace some people na dati naiisip ko palaging never ko makakasundo kasi we are too different. It was happy, but still there’s something that I’m not comfortable with. Hanggang sa I found myself alone. Lumalabas na kasi yung differences namin, it feels like we came from the opposite sides of the world. Hindi na ako comfortable sa friendship namin.

I don’t even recognise myself anymore I was too lost, I’ve never felt this empty before. I changed so quickly para lang makaadapt sa lifestyle nila then narealise ko nlang one day this is not who I am..

I tried sohard to understand them but I never get it in return. I embraced their flaws and listened to their own reasoning and in the end I felt so different.

These people never gave me the chance to be heard and be understood. But they put me in a place where I feel like I am the worst person in the world m. They’ve thrown me to oblivion all by myself...

These people changed me and it doesn’t end well. They just broke me and me feel like I’m the worst person in this society. They confused me and let me think that I deserved to feel this way.

I haven’t been this angry, I haven’t been in feud for a while but you gave me with no choice but I wanna thank you because if it wasn’t for you I’ll never find my way back to my own world and my own comfort zone. You just made me learn one thing, that we will never get along because we are living two different worlds, we hate each other’s lifestyle and we can’t change the nature that we are living with.

Xoxo, Bianca the bitch

[queenbeelion]

[queenbeelion]

There’s only one of you

At this very moment all I want to do is embrace positivity.

“I don’t know if I can, I don’t think I will. “ These were the words that comes in my mind whenever I feel like my world is falling ng apart.

All these years I’ve been through a lot of ups and down, I made wrong decisions for love. I’m a fool to engage with predicaments caused by my loneliness. I’m stupid to have some people in my life that I’ve never thought I’ll regret having with.

My transition to invisible to somebody has been one hell of a ride. But it was beautiful, I feel genuinely happy for the first time.

I’ve never picture my life to be this colorful. All these years I’ve been praying for someone who can understand me, someone who can love me the way I wanted to be loved. Someone I can call my destiny or maybe someone I can tell the words “we’re meant to be”

I’ve always seen the good in others, despite of their bad intentions. I always wanted to believe that somehow I needed them in my life. Not thinking about how awful it can affect my life in the years after.

Now all I got are the memories that keeps coming back to me, it’s haunting me over and over again.

Ive never thought I’ll be happy and contented not until I met you. You gave me all the hopes that I’m somehow deserving of being happy even in a short period of time. You’ve thought me that even if hurts so much there’s more reasons to be happy.

I don’t wanna lose my mind anymore, I’m deeply grateful to have you despite of all our differences and arguments. I wanted you to know that “there’s only one of you and you’re just what I like”.

Xo, B

[queenbeelion]

“I’ve got you under my skin”

I couldn’t sleep at night without thinking about you, I can still feel the big tight hugs you’ve given me to take all my pain away, I can still smell that perfume of yours as if you were here with me right now,  I can still remember how handsome you are wearing those big smiles you’ve shown me since day one and lastly I can still feel you in my veins and I cannot get you out. You’re all I taste and see and I can’t runaway.

We’ve been dating for 7 months now and I can still remember the night we met and the nights after that. We were so drunk and never thought of falling in love. I was in the lowest point of my life but our simple hangouts made me feel better. You’ve became the drug that I can’t get off of my system, you’re even worse than nicotine that I can’t get rid of you. You became my world in a blink of an eye.

I found out you’re a dangerous kind, in away that I’m so into you that I’ve love you more and more everyday if it’s even possible to love a person that much. I’m willing to take a risk but it’s too scary, our relationship has never been this complicated like it used to be. It’s always been a one hell of a roller coaster ride but without the side issues.  Our past relationships and hookups always made their way going back at us, I wanna make it stop for good but I can’t. 

(I wish we could go back to those nights, when there’s only you and me. We were happy, like genuinely happy!)

You’re not what Ive dreamed of but you’re the best I had, and I am so grateful I found you just in time. I love you Lucas, I mean Paolo Pillerba. haha

[queenbeelion]

I left vlogging for blogging

Before pa magboom ang vlogging, ig stories and snapchat Mahilig na talaga akong mag emote online, I share my thoughts online kasi wala lang haha, nung kabataan ko pa trip ko lang yung mga ganon. I started my own social media accounts and eventually I shutdown my blogs for some reasons like nag overshare na ako online and medyo judgy na yung mga tao around me.

Nung medyo tumatanda na ako nakakilala ako ng mga taong masense of humour, somehow nahawa ako at natuto kaming gumawa ng mga kalokohang videos. Hindi kalaunan ay madami na akong pinagdadaanan anxiety issues na dumating na ako sa point na wala na akobg confidence na gumawa ng mga nakakatawang videos, like ayoko ng sobrang attention mula sa mga tao.

That’s when I started looking back to my old blogs, nakakatawa na nakakagaan ng loob habang binbasa ko yung mga ineemote ko dati. Sa panahon na nagkakaroon na rin ako ng trust issues sa mga tao around me naging confidant ko ang akong blogs. Mula sa pagkadown ko, pagka broken hearted hanggang sa pagkakaroon ng bagong pag ibig ay naging sandalan ko ang aking blogs. Nag ala Stefan Salvatore at Elena Gilbert ng TVD ang peg ko.

If papipiliin ako whether Vlog or blogging mas pipiliin ko pa rin ang blogging kasi somehow alam ko sa sarili ko na nagiging totoo ako and I’m not trying to impress everyone but to express my feelings and share my agonies.

That’s why you haven’t seen me on ig stories or snapchat lately kahit mag upload ng bagong vlogs sa YouTube hindi ko na rin magawa.

Ako pa rin to ibang concept na nga lang.

Xo, Bianca

[queenbeelion]

One step away from anxiety and depression. #cureforbianxiety (at Hornby Lighthouse)

[queenbeelion]

Dear old Daddy God have done his part, at this point it's my turn to make good decisions. I'm one step away to success but I cant think of a better reason to pick one over another. I am too tired and exhausted, when people around me makes my world so little. So little that I can't even move around and explore, when I wanted to hate them but I can't. When I wanted to be a good person but it's too complicated. 

The world have seen me smile from ear to ear, made fun of my friends and made silly videos. I have conquered anxiety and depression, heal from a broken heart and moved on from painful experience. For the last 5 months I've been working very hard, I barely stayed at home and spent most of my time working. I even took over somebody else's shift, I can't say no because I need it. 

I've transfer to a new college, honestly speaking I wasn't sure of my status. It wasn't that hard, not as hard as my Medtech journey but I'm finding it hard to adjust and cope up with my new school. I need to make friends, give time to study at the same time make money to pay for my tuition fees. I have started my own business and it's killing me inside  knowing that it was just starting and it's failing. My dreams are falling apart just because I can't find time. Things have gotten worst when I started to lie about my relationship, I wanted to keep it low-key. Not that I'm not proud but it was too intense between my peers and the love of my life. It was breaking my heart when people say we don't deserve each other I just don't understand why and how can they say that knowing that I have always been there for them during their darkest to brightest days.

For a moment I was thinking, can I have the time off?

I am too exhausted.

- Bianca

[queenbeelion]

I have been so stressed for the last 3 weeks, I suddenly felt loneliness inside me I lost faith and eventually thought of giving up. My boyfriend whom I’ve prayed for two years broke up with me 10 days ago on our third month. I lost weight in a short time without going to the gym, I barely sleep at night and I was too exhausted with all the Sydney stuff such as work, university and even my visa application. I lost my passion for cooking, eating and even putting make up on my face. I even failed to comply with my duties as a child of God, and even a daughter to my parents. I have been living in a bad dream which keeps on popping up over and over again like I was living in my own hell. I can’t even read or think of anything else like I used to. I turned off all my social media accounts notifications and tried to avoid personal interaction with people. I was going crazy thinking about why’d it happen to me all of a sudden. No one else can get it, can get me. I was blaming myself for I was too busy protecting myself from my past and it was haunting me back, I was too busy making people around me be someone I wanted them to be. It was awful that I did this to myself. I hated myself for being me and for trying to escape the reality that I can’t afford to look at. Suddenly I felt so down again when I saw my old photos being compared to my recent ones. It was heartbreaking how old Ive looked like for the last 3 months. I can’t even post a selfie Earlier today I’ve realised something, I was devastated by grief and made me feel worst when I stop doing my my therapeutic activities. So today I started to go back with my old life without thinking about any of my predicaments. The first thing I did was, prepare my favourite breakfast egg n bacon, visit my favourite shop which is Sephora. Filmed a video and applied some makeup on, made muffins and get a coffee in starbucks and lastly took tons of selfies.

[queenbeelion]

My very last.

Binabalik balikan ko lahat, at hindi ako nagsasawang basahin paulit ulit lahat ng usapan natin. Pero napapagod nako, ito na siguro ang huli kong message sayo. Gusto kong malaman mo na despite ng nangyare hindi ko magawang magalit sayo kahit paulit ulit mo lang akong iseen, kahit pa hindi mo man lang sinabi ang totoong dahilan kung bakit tayo humantong sa ganito. I want u to know that you’re my favourite human being. I know it must have been hard for you,ito na rin siguro ang pinaka pangit na relationship mo if u were gonna consider this as one. Thankful ako na naging tayo kahit hindi matagal. You made me feel alive again natrigger mo ung feelings ko ung akala ko hnd ko na mararamdaman yon. For a moment I’ve felt something special kaya thank you pa rin. You came to my life unexpectedly, you’ve wipe all the pain caused by my past predicaments. Binigyan mo ng kulay ang buhay ko, Ive matured over the span of 3 months u made me feel like there’s a lot of things waiting for me. You’ve pushed me to go over my limits kaya thank you. Sana sa susunod na magkita tayo you’re gonna smile at me like the way you smiled at me when I put down mu car window. Mag ingat ka palagi at mag aral ng mabuti. God bless!

[queenbeelion]

It’s not worth-living if we don’t get hurt

I've always thought that I have been through worst and conquered everything over the years.

I have always been like this from the moment that Ive been aware of what life can offer me..

I've always been the same person who used to escaped whenever she made a wrong step. Ive always blame others for what I feel & what happened to me. Ive always been fragile and weak.

As I grow older, I thought I learned from my previous predicaments but shit happens like I was living in my own hell.

Wherever I go, my worst nightmares keep coming to haunt me. I cannot think of any possible reason for me to deserved that kind of treatment.

until one day, someone asked me "why is this happening to you over and over again. Maybe somethings wrong with you."

I hate to admit it, but every night that's all I can think about. That maybe they were right,that it is my fault that I am responsible for my own kind of hell.

Ive always thought I did my best, Ive always thought that I am considerate enough but why'd it happen?

I wasn't too pushy, I admit it I maybe too possessive sometimes, I maybe too demanding but not on material things.

All I ever wanted is to be love and feel that I am special because I am so thirsty for affection. I was never the first choice, I was never the favorite, I wasn't the prettiest and the brainiest. I wasn't the nicest but it doesnt mean that I deserve to feel the worst over and over again.

I wanted to know if I was deserving to feel this after all and be left behind without knowing what did I do wrong?

Just because I can't be that dream girl or just because Im not the person you guys thought I am, do you really need to left me behind and be snobby.

I never asked you to be with me, I've told you the very first moment we talked that I wasn't the person that you've been looking for. That I can't be one of them.

I've always fall for long messages and simple promises, not because I am easy but because I am appreciative of simple things. I hate to complicate things because I am not hard to please.

Ive been through this, Ive heard all the advices and words that I need to hear both good and bad but I just never learned.

I don't know if I am really have been loved, I am so angry to the world but I hate myself the most because I let you people taken me for granted. it's always been risky but I still take it because I never lose hope.

If only the sun can take all this pain away.

[queenbeelion]

#Sharekolang

May humihingi ng love advise sakin, una kong reaction e natawa nalang ako. 3 hours ago bago ko matulog humihingi din kasi ako ng love advise sa kaibigan ko hahahahaha.

Sabi niya, paano daw ba kapag may nanliligaw sayong bago tapos may lumang bumabalik sino daw bang pipiliin niya?

“Aba, mahirap to ineng. Pero atleast may nanliligaw! Hahaha”

Charot lang, ang masasabi ko lang e take your time para makilala silang both. Ang hirap kasi satin bilis natin magtiwala sa mga lalaki, kaya madalas tayong nasasaktan padalos dalos tayo sa mga decisions natin just because we’re afraid to be left out single.

That’s one of my deepest regrets yung masyado akong nagmamadali, nakakagawa ako ng wrong decisions that was haunting me over and over again.

For the last 9 years I have been so inlove with my now called ex boyfriend, everytime may lumalapit sakin I pushed them away at binabalik balikan ko pa din si kamote kahit na paulit ulit lang akong nasasaktan. I swear na for the rest of my life I will never stop loving him.

He’s been there for me nung mga panahon na kailangang kailangan ko siya, I was traumatised in a situation that never thought of happening to me in the future pero he tortured me more leading me to what’ve become today.

It’s been so hard kasi 9 years ago we pictured ourselves graduating at 20 and will settle down at 24. Now that I’m 22 there’s a lot of things that’s holding me back & that was the time na sana inenjoy ko yung buhay ko. Sana hindi ako nastuck sa isang lalaki.

Na sana hindi ko pinili ang mag stay sa unhealthy and unhappy relationship namin just because akala ko kilala ko na siya at I’m hoping that he’s gonna change kapag tumanda na kami. We’ll I guessed we both did.

Kasabay ng pagmamature namin sabay din naman natutunan ang differences namin and how unhappy we’ve been all throughout our 5-6 year relationship.

Kaya naman sa humihingi sakin ng love advise gusto kong malaman mo na very risky yang decision na gagawin mo, kung ako sayo wag mong stressin ang sarili mo sa pagpili dahil mas masarap maging single tutal bata kapa naman tangna mo! Basahin mo to lintek ka hahahahaha

Xo, B