Not all abuse is physical
Mike Driver
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we're not kids anymore.
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@queendopamine
Not all abuse is physical
hello, i was wondering if you knew some specifics about c-ptsd and how long it usually lasts ? I think i don't understand if trauma in very early childhood can really cause a general anxiety disorder, which left untreated became panic, which became agoraphobia etc. I'm 23 now..
The brain works in many complex and mysterious ways. Your reaction to your trauma is unique to you. Itâs very possible it contributed to giving you an anxiety and/or panic disorder along with agoraphobia. It could be there are other contributing factors.The only way that c-ptsd can really go away is through various professional mental health treatments like psychotherapy and CBT. Other forms like EMDR are proven beneficial for PTSD.I hope youâre doing okay. I just saw this as Iâve spent a long time away from this account and not sure when you sent it in.
Am I an asshole for being glad my parents are orobabky getting divorced? They both treat me like shit but the worse one will be gone
Youâre definitely not an asshole. This is totally valid. Iâm sorry itâs been so difficult. *hugs*
Thank you for your blog.
Hi! Iâm so sorry Iâve been absent and never saw this. Iâm so glad you like it!
Official dxes
Received confirmation today that I am dxed with Bipolar II, PTSD, and generalized anxiety. I suspected as much based on how my initial assessments went and how my therapist previously talked, but today I asked and received confirmation.
This also confirms I don't have BPD anymore. Yay! that's a positive.
What's not a positive is how this new medication has tanked my energy, motivation, and will to live in my second month being on it. My psych's recommendation was to increase the dose which I thought was crazy but she doesn't think I'll get worse. She said one more round and then we'll try a new medication but she doesn't want to give up too soon.
Common Side Effects of Mood Stabilizers
Some popular mood stabilizers and their common side effects. Source
Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses
I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.
In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.
I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.
Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.
But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.
She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.
To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.
My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.
Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.
Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.
Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.
Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.
That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.
Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.
So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.
Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.
I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.
Just Little Trauma Things
Feeling guilty for setting boundaries.
Obsessing over small things that other people donât seem to think about.
Anxiety. Nearly constantly and sometimes for seemingly no reason.
Second-guessing yourself all the time.
Not feeling like you can trust your own opinions or decisions.
Feeling guilt over the most minor things.
Over-analyzing.
Shame over normal, human things (like tripping or stumbling over words sometimes).
Intrusive and/or obsessive thoughts.
Being easily startled.
Attachment issues, whether anxiously attached, avoidant attached, etc.
Emotional outbursts/mood swings that are often over-the-top and inappropriate.
Low energy and frequent fatigue.
Not all of these mean decisively that you have trauma. And having trauma doesnât mean you will experience all these things. Mental illness and trauma are complex and variable. Unraveling whatâs due to trauma and whatâs due to personality or another specific mental illness (like BPD, Bipolar, etc) is a job for a mental health professional. But these thing are common and relatable for a lot of trauma survivors.
I need to learn to self-validate because a) other peopleâs validation is fickle, b) if I care about their validation, I have to care about the negative things they think about me, too, and c) itâs never enough anyway.
if I self-validate then I can believe in myself and reassure myself.
the problem is that I donât believe or trust my own opinion, thoughts, or feelings a lot lol. But I am working on it :)
Grounding Techniques
 via Therapist Aid __________________________________________________
5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you will purposefully take in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses. Strive to notice small details that your mind would usually tune out, such as distant sounds, or the texture of an ordinary object.
What are 5 things you can see? Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off a surface, or an object you never noticed.
What are 4 things you can feel? Notice the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in. Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture, and other physical qualities.
What are 3 things you can hear? Pay special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic, or trees blowing in the wind.
What are 2 things you can smell? Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly mowed grass. You may also look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower or an unlit candle.
What is 1 thing you can taste? Carry gum, candy, or small snacks for this step. Pop one in your mouth and focus your attention closely on the flavors.
Categories
Choose at least three of the categories below and name as many items as you can in each one. Spend a few minutes on each category to come up with as many items as possible.
MoviesÂ
Countries
Books
Cereal
SportsÂ
Teams
Colors
Cars
Fruits & Vegetables
Animals
Cities
TV Shows
Famous People
For a variation on this activity, try naming items in a category alphabetically. For example, for the fruits & vegetables category, say âapple, banana, carrot,â and so on.
Body Awareness
The body awareness technique will bring you into the here-and-now by directing your focus to sensations in the body. Pay special attention to the physical sensations created by each step.
Take 5 long, deep breaths through your nose, and exhale through puckered lips.
Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.
Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.
Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat this 10 times.
Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15 seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.
Rub your palms together briskly. Notice the sound and the feeling of warmth.
Reach your hands over your head like youâre trying to reach the sky. Stretch like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your sides.
Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.
Mental Exercises
Use mental exercises to take your mind off uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. They are discreet and easy to use at nearly any time or place. Experiment to see which work best for you.
Name all the objects you see.
Describe the steps in performing an activity you know how to do well. For example, how to shoot a basketball, prepare your favorite meal, or tie a knot.
Count backwards from 100 by 7.
Pick up an object and describe it in detail. Describe its color, texture, size, weight, scent, and any other qualities you notice.
Spell your full name, and the names of three other people, backwards.
Name all your family members, their ages, and one of their favorite activities.
Read something backwards, letter-by-letter. Practice for at least a few minutes.
Think of an object and âdrawâ it in your mind, or in the air with your finger. Try drawing your home, a vehicle, or an animal.
My first post in 3 years
Looking back at my old posts about my own trauma and my own mental illness has me triggered, wanting to dissociate.
I kind of want to revive this blog though
Youâre a good person. You donât have to be the nicest, most perfect person to be *good*. All the bad things you were told as a kid are wrong. Youâre good. Youâre capable of great things. You have good inside of you. You have been hurt, but that doesnât mean youâre unlovable or unfixable.Â
What to Do When It Starts Getting Bad Again
Reach out. Your best friend, your guidance counselor, your teacher or professor, anyone on an online forum (facebook groups, a subreddit for your specific need, Tumblr, 7 cups of tea). Someone you feel safe talking to and can trust. Even if all you say is âIâm struggling. I just need to tell someone. This is how I feel...â
Take things minute by minute. Maybe not literally, but focus on the specific task in front of you, then the next, then the next. Donât get caught up about the overwhelming details of your entire day or project. Finish the problem youâre working on, then tackle the next. If youâre stumped, ask someone for help, or come back to the problem in question later. I do this all the time at work. It helps to force myself to be in the moment more.
Take stock of how your body is feeling. Body scans are a part of meditation, but you donât need to be sitting still in a quiet room to do them. Check in with yourself often throughout the day. Are you tired? Hungry? Irritable? Are you tensing up? Slouching? Try to correct anything that is in your power. Stay hydrated, be mindful of how often youâre eating, and try to shake it off when youâre tensed up or sore. Stretch, walk around, do whatever you can to alleviate physical symptoms.
Journaling and online worksheets. My favorite thing to do when Iâm not able to go to a therapist. Getting my thoughts out on paper and really feeling my feelings helps me a lot, even if it doesnât fix my mood/episode entirely. Worksheets/exercises that I find online for my specific issue at the moment (anger management, self-esteem, anxiety, etc) are extremely useful. It helps me feel like Iâm doing something.
Do not isolate. Itâs tempting to stay in and cancel all your plans. Donât! At least follow through on one in-person commitment that is not an obligation like work or school or a doctorâs appointment. Go out to lunch with a friend. Visit your grandmother. Hang out with your little cousin. It doesnât have to be about what youâre going through if you donât want it to, nor does it have to be some big 3-hour commitment. I just encourage you to not be alone and try to get that social interaction in on some level.
What helps you mitigate your symptoms when you feel things are starting to get bad again?
using they doesnât exclude binary people
Sorry but I will still use he/she. Iâm not sure how itâs hurtful. Iâm not trying to be exclusionary. I try to be as general as possible when I am making posts that can apply to everyone, so when I use he/she itâs for a reason. I donât feel I need to change my language to accommodate the minority of people who identify as âtheyâ, and if that means I lose some followers, Iâm sorry.
I also donât know how itâs helping to go around and police blogs on Tumblr.
If you can articulate why itâs bad or wrong and show where I was actually hurtful or discriminatory, Iâm happy to reconsider my point. But for now, I disagree with using âtheyâ as a catch-all pronoun all the time.
None of you deserved what happened to you.
Reminder not to write âshe or heâ because that excludes nonbinary people and itâs hurtful. Just say âtheyâ
If I write they, doesnât that exclude binary people?
I see you. Youâre valid. What happened to you was real. Youâre not making it up. Youâre not faking. You deserve to feel heard; you deserve to feel whole.