The Journnie Book

Reflections, Realizations, Thoughts

[queenkiara07]

A Love That Kills Me

A patient with hypertension who loves his roasted pork.

A guy with asthma who love to smoke.

A cancer patient who loves anything grilled.

A guy with cirrhosis who loves to drink.

And then there’s me. Someone who’s madly inlove with my career that just caused my relapse.

Six long years I’ve fought hard to be better, and I did. I did get better. And major part of my recovery was my career. It somehow became my therapy that little by little help me get out of that grave I dug for myself.

But unfortunately, shit happens. What kept me alive, is now slowly killing me. After years of getting better, I am back to that old demon that I thought I already killed. And ironically, what helped me to get better was the same thing that brought me back to my old hell.

I wanted to save myself and get out. I know how bad this could turn out and I wanna run away before it’s too late. But I have learned to love what I do that leaving it breaks me so, I choose to stay. Unfortunately, I love what I do more than I love myself. So, even if it kills me, I would choose to stay.

[queenkiara07]

One Perfect Night

Once upon a time, naniwala ka sa fairytale. Naniwala ka sa mga Romantic Comedy na napapanood mo sa sine o sa TV. Naniwala kang may darating na prince charming sa buhay mo who will swept you off your feet.

Me too. I did. But, shit happens. Life happens and you realize, sa fairytales lang pala may Prince Charming. Sa palabas lang pala may Happy Ending.

 But then, this night happened to me. This guy came to my life. And suddenly, I forgot all those shitty heartbreaks and believed that somehow, fairytales do exist.

 Let me take you to that night.

 October 20, 2018

Nasugbu, Batangas

 Business meeting. Yun yung purpose ng pagpunta namin ng Batangas. Around 6am palang nasa byahe na kami. We had 3 or 4 sets of business presentation that time.  Pagod. Pero okay lang kahit ginabi kami kasi di naman kami uuwi ng Navotas because we will be staying in Nasugbu that night. One of our leaders happens to have a Tita who owns a resort. He invited us to stay there para makapagbonding na din. This leader is not from my group. Nagkataon lang na meron din akong tao sa Batangas kaya pinag isa na lang namin yung lakad. I’ve met him several times before the Batangas schedule. Actually, I met him the day I filled up the form para sa pagkuha ko ng kotse. Yung araw na pinareserve ko yung kotse ko. (Yes, I have a pretty good memory) And since that day, constant na yung communication namin. We would text and chat almost everyday.

 Balik tayo sa kwento.

 We arrived at the resort around 7pm. Nagpahinga kami saglit ng mga kasama ko while he prepares the dinner.  And then, we had dinner. After that, of course nagkaayaan uminom. Nag emperador Lights sila, nag Tanduay Ice lang ako. Pa-girl lang. Chos! Hindi lang po talaga ko umiinom ng brand na yun. Around 11pm, tapos na sila uminom. Before magpahinga, nag aya sya to go sa tabing dagat at magbonfire. Kaya lang dahil lasing na yung dalawa pang boys, they refused. The other girl na kasama ko, umayaw din. And ako na lang yung natira. So ako yung kinulit nya. Gusto ko rin naman magpunta ng dagat so pumayag ako. Pero before kami umalis, nagpaalam muna sya sa mga kasama namin. The two guys na kasama namin are like my brothers. So, he asked them kung okay lang bang dalhin ako sa seashore. At pumayag naman po sila.

 Now, I want you to play Maybe the Night by Ben&Ben before proceeding. Para mas may effect.

 Describe ko ang yung way papunta sa seashore.

 Hindi na operational yung resort ng tita nya kaya hindi na ganun kayos or kaalaga yung lugar. Mula sa pinaginuman namin, may malapit na swimming pool na may tubig pero marumi haha. Lagpas ng pool, may pathway papunta sa area kung saan pwede mag ihaw. May deep well din sa side and may gate papunta sa seashore. Gate na gawa lang naman sa kawayan. Pang harang lang talaga. It was 11pm kaya sobrang dilim. All we have is yung flashlight ng phones namin. Medyo malayo pa yung mismong dagat. And yung dadaanan namin is puno ng mga damo at halaman. The story is ilang beses ng dinaanan ng bagyo yung lugar kaya napuno na ng mga kalat at halaman. At dahil hindi na operational yung resort, hindi na sya inasikaso or pinalinis. We managed na makarating sa seashore. Dito malinis na. May ilang logs lang na nakakalat. He picked up some branches na pwede gamiting pag bonfire. Inayos nya yug bonfire sa tabi ng isang mahabang log kung saan ako nakaupo. I put down yung dinala naming alak, habang busy sya. The sand is black. And the moon, it was full that night.

 Imagine this.

You we’re sitting beside a bonfire on a full moon by the shore with a good looking guy.

 We talked. Under the moon, beside the fire. About life. About his life. About my life. Our families. Our stories. Basically, a “getting-to-know-each-other” kind of talk. Hindi ko na isasama dito yung pinag usapan namin. His story is not mine to tell. But to tell you honestly, he doesn’t have an easy past but I knew that night, it will never define his present nor his future. We talked for a couple of minutes. Then tumayo sya. and he took his shirt off. Oh teka. Wag madumi utak. Inaya nya ko maligo sa dagat. At first I was hesitant. Ang lamig naman kasi ng hangin. But he did this pouting of the lips thing with puppy eyes so, sino ako para tumanggi. At hindi ako nagkamali. Ang lamig ng tubig! Nagchill ako ng sobra. At dahil napakabait nya, habang nanginginig ako sa lamig, hinila nya ko sa malalim. Haha! Hindi po ako marunong lumangoy. Kaya naka pasan ako sa likod nya. Sweet. Haha.

 Imagine.

You’re in the sea with a good looking topless guy and the only light is coming from the moon and the fire. And all you do is laugh with him. We were just having a good time. Scene na akala ko sa movie lang nag-eexist.

 We went back sa fire kasi sobrang lamig na. Habang nagpapatuyo ng mga sarili namin, no one was talking. Silence. There was this awkward silence. For some reason, nakakakaba yung silence na yun. And then…

  And then, tumayo sya. Sa harap ko. And he kneeled down in front of me.

 Imagine.

The moon is full. You’re on the beach beside the fire and in front you is a good looking guy asking you, kung pwede mo syang tanggapin sa buhay mo.

 Sobrang romantic ng moment na yun. He was asking me kung pwede ko syang bigyan ng chance na manligaw. He even added na kung kailangan nyang magpaalam sa mga mentor ko, gagawin nya cause he knows my priorities. He was just asking for a chance. And of course I said yes.

 We laid on the sand and stared at the moon for a couple of minutes while talking about random things before heading back to our rooms.

 And that was and still the best night of my life.

 What happened after that day?

Naging kami. A friend once told me, “Relasyon ang pinagtatagal hindi panliligaw.”

 What happened to us?

We broke up after almost 4 months of relationship.

 Reason?

Priorities. “We had the right love at the wrong time.”

 Who broke up with who?

It doesn’t matter. We were both hurt.

 Are we in good terms?

Yes. But not in talking terms.

 Do I miss him?

Yes. Pero alam nyo anong mas namimiss ko? The kind of relationship we had.

 It was short lived. But it’s so special that I am more than willing to do it all over again.

 And the most important thing, he taught me how I should be treated -- that a guy doesn’t need to take your clothes off para mafeel mong babae ka, para mafeel mong special ka.

 Ladies, if your guy or your partner cannot make you feel special in his own way, think again. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it doesn’t have to be just like the movies, it just have to be real.

[queenkiara07]

The thing about being strong is that people expect you to be it all the freaking time. When in reality, there will be days that you're just too weak to even get up from your bed.

[queenkiara07]

Have You Ever?

Have you ever just laid in bed and drown yourself with questions? Questions that probably will never get answers. Yung tipong, madilim yung kwarto. All lights were off. All windows were closed. And the only light is coming from your only companion -- your phone. Sad music on the backgroud just so you don't feel afraid of the dark. And the questions suddenly comes and drown you to sleep.

Have you ever laid in bed and asked yourself, why? Why it never worked? Why does all of your past relationships never worked? Was it you? Was it them? Or was it the fact that, its just not for you.

Have you ever laid in bed and felt so tired. Pagod sa paulit-ulit. May makikilala. Magugustuhan. Mas kikilalanin mo. May mafifeel ka. Then you'll be afraid na baka masaktan ka na naman. Then you will conquer that fear and take the risk. Hoping na baka ito na yun. Umasa ka. Umasa ka na naman. Naniwala. Naniwala ka na naman na may taong nakalaan para sayo. Na eto na yung taong yun. You've invested emotion into him. Then poof! He's not the one. He's still not the one. You're hurt again. And you don't want to fall in love again. Aayusin mo na naman yung sarili mo. Papahilumin mo ulit yung sugat. Sasanayin mo ulit yung sarili mo sa pain. Hindi sa pain ng break up.. but with the pain of getting your hopes up, and failing again. The pain that comes along whenever you'll tell yourself, "maybe it's not for me."

Have you ever laid in a bed full of cluter? You fill up the spaces with all these things so your bed doesn't feel so empty with you in it. With only you in it. You surround yourself with lots of pillows so you don't feel all by yourself. But then you ask yourself again, will it ever come a time that you will come home not to a place but to a person? Will you ever lay in your bed with someone. Someone who will lay with you everynight. Someone you can call home.

[queenkiara07]

Today can I just be myself? Not the leader, not a business partner, not a friend, not a fucked-up-lover, not an "Upline".. just MYSELF https://www.instagram.com/p/B-wrFjGgEkBVse_IwDym2XsFIOxexZmWNXHB6I0/?igshid=1x819mi7y5ryc

[queenkiara07]

[queenkiara07]

04/03 https://www.instagram.com/p/B-fLA9jgC0LPuGMBU5VuiZuQNJa2PSwaVonej40/?igshid=1dxp6sdrvezgg

[queenkiara07]

"Pag malapit ka na bumigay, malapit ng ibigay"

Seeing this post reminds me of what I felt a year ago..

September 2018, when I've decided na ayoko na. Titigil na ko sa A-Team, I QUIT! That time, sobra kong pressured. Maglalabas ako ng sasakyan, naannounce na sa lahat, then di ako maapprove sa brandnew, wala kong magustuhang secondhand and worst of all, ubos ang grupo ko. Yung tipong yung mga leaders kong gumagalaw, nag papa pay in ng multiple accounts kahit wala ako, left and right ko, all of a sudden, nawala! Shit! Pano ko maglalabas ng sasakyan, pano ko huhulugan yung sasakyan kung wala akong grupo?! Pag naman di ko tinuloy yung pag lalabas ng sasakyan, na naannounce na sa buong company, anong mukha pa ang ihaharap ko sa tao. PRESSURE AT IT'S FINEST TALAGA! Kaya sabi ko, ayoko na. Tama na. Baka hanggang dun lang talaga ko. Baka hindi talaga para sa akin 'to. At least I tried.. But for some reasons, hindi ko maiwanan yung ginagawa ko. Hindi ko kayang mawala sa akin si A-Team at yung mga taong nakasama ko na dito. Hindi ko na kayang biguin yung sarili ko at bitawan ulit lahat ng mga pangarap kong nabuo dahil sa negosyong 'to. So, I did not quit. Nag hold on ako. 2 weeks after ko sabihing ayoko na, nailabas ko yung first car ko kay A-Team. Isang Red Mazda 3. Indeed, pag malapit ka ng bumigay, kumapit ka lang ng todo, kasi malapit na ngang ibigay.

To anyone who's going through the same dillemma I had a year ago, I hope you read this.

Walang sikreto sa negosyo at sa mundong ginagalawan natin. Wag ka lang bibitaw. Wag ka lang titigil. Paulit-ulit na, nakakasawa na pakinggan, pero yun naman talaga yung totoo. Kahit anong hirap yung pagdaanan mo, ok lang yan.. paghirapan mo lang. Kahit anong puyat, pagpuyatan mo lang. Kahit anong sakit, tiisin mo lang. Kahit ano pang pinagdadaanan mo, pagdaanan mo lang. Kasama yan sa kailangan mo para magtagumpay ka sa larangan na pinili mo. Dahil kung bibigay ka dahil sa lahat ng hirap na dinadanas mo ngayon, mas lalong hindi ibibigay sayo yung mga bagay na gusto mong makuha sa ginagawa mo ngayon. Kung walang nangyayare sayo ngayon, mas lalong walang mangyayare kung titigil ka ngayon.

Umiyak ka kung kailangan.

Magpahinga kung napapagod.

Kumain kung nagugutom.

Matulog kung puyat na puyat na.

Sumigaw kung feeling mo sasabog ka na.

Tao ka pa rin. Normal makaramdam ng frustrations. Normal na darating ka sa araw na mapapatanong ka na lang, "Totoo bang may mangyayare sa akin sa ginagawa ko?" Normal mahirapan at normal mapagod. Pero wag na wag kang susuko. Dahil pag sumuko ka, dun mo pinatunayan na hanggang dyan ka lang pala. Dun mo binigyan ng pagkakataon lahat ng nag reject sayo na pagtawanan ka. At dun mo pinagkait sa sarili mo at sa pamilya mo yung buhay na deserve nila.

If you're going through something right now and feeling mo hindi mo na kaya, always keep this in mind.

"You didn't come this far to ONLY come this far."

Kapit ka lang. And your resilience will pay off at the most unexpected time.

Happy hunting guys!

Love, Queen Kiara 👑

[queenkiara07]

Race: Run at Full Speed

IMAGINE. Running for a race na wala kang kalaban. Ikaw mag-isa, tumatakbo, papunta sa finish line na wala kang kalaban. Mukha kang tanga nun di ba? May nakita ka na bang nagmarathon na mag isa lang sya? Wala.. laging may kalaban, laging may ibang kalahok, laging may kakumpitensya.

IMAGINE. Running for a marathon just for fun. May ibang tumatakbo pero ikaw, chill ka lang. Will you win the race? Definitely not. Because you run just for fun. Not to win.

Notice. Ang daming tumatakbo sa mga marathons and fun runs but not everyone finishes the course. Why? Because not everyone is fit to run all through out the race. Yung iba kulang sa practice, yung iba nayaya lang, yung iba nagtrip lang, yung iba gusto lang pagpawisan. Pero iilan lang ang tumatakbo para manalo. At yung iilan na yun ang pinakamabibilis na nakakarating sa finish line at nakakapag uwi ng medals.

Anong point ko? Simple lang. Sa buhay, kailangan mo ng competition. Not because kaaway ang tingin mo sa lahat but because it pushes you to become better than them, and be better than your previous self! It gives you pressure! Pressure to run faster, be stronger and be better. It motivates you to do so much compare sa ginagawa nila. Hindi dahil competition ang tingin mo sa ibang tao, kaaway na sila. Naalala mo nung bata ka? Nakikipag unahan ka sa mga kaibigan mo sa simpleng "mahuli di naliligo" Kahit hingal ka na, naibibigay mo pa rin lahat wag ka kang mahuli. Ang ending, may natalo man, may nahuli man, mas mabilis kayong nakarating sa pupuntahan nyo kesa kung walang kumpetensyang naganap.

Don't be afraid to compete. Always give yourself the pressure of having a competition. It makes everyone better at whatever we're doing. Those who don't want to compete, will stay stagnant forever. Run as fast as you can. Win the race. Out run them all.

[queenkiara07]

Your scars are beautiful. It defines how tough you are. It shows how brave you are. Going through difficult times is not easy. Continuing life when you wanted to give up is the bravest thing you'll ever do. Leaving darkness behind is not an easy choice. The road to a better life, a better day is not an easy path. But you choose to weather the storm, start all over again and climb the hill to recovery. Never be ashamed of the scars you've earned while surviving the war inside you. Be proud. Be strong. Show them what you're made of. And always be an inspiration. #worldmentalhealthday

[queenkiara07]

Ang damot 💔

[queenkiara07]

Singles Can Be Broken Hearted Too

(Source: Pinterest)

Akala ng marami, nakakatawa o nakakatuwa maging single. Sabi nila, hindi naman daw dapat problemahin, hindi daw dapat magmadali. "There's more to life than lovelife", sabi pa nila. Well, kung mga single na teenagers ang sasabihan nyo nyan, valid pa. Pero kung yung mga adult, medyo mahirap lunukin yung mga ganyang bagay. Kahit pa marami kang kaibigan, mahal ka ng pamilya mo, successful kang tao, and you're a strong, independent individual, darating ka pa rin sa point na gugustuhin mong magkaron ng karelasyon.

Hindi laging healthy ang pagiging single ng matagal na panahon. Oo, matututunan mong mahalin sarili mo. Magagawa mo yung mga bagay na gusto mo without restrictions. Less drama. Walang away. Yourself will be your priority. Pero pag dumating sa point na everyone is getting married. The people around you are in a relationship, building their own family, sleeping next to someone they love, it will hurt. At some point it will badly hurt. At mapapatanong ka na lang, "Meron bang inilaan si Lord para sa akin?" Pati pagkatao mo makekwestyon mo. "Ang sama ko ba?" "Hindi ko ba deserve sumaya?" "Ganun ba ko kapangit?" "May magmamahal pa ba sa akin?"

Ayaw ng mga single na nakakakita ng couple. Hindi dahil sa bitterness, kundi dahil sa mga tanong na pumapasok sa isip nila na walang sagot. Mga tanong na dapat may sagot. Mga tanong na masakit dahil hindi mabigyan ng sagot.

Minsan gusto mo lang ng yayakap sayo after one tiring day. Minsan gusto mo lang mafeel na may nagpapahalaga sayo. Minsan gusto mo lang maranasan na maging priority. Minsan gusto mo lang na may isang taong matatakot na mawala ka. Minsan gusto mo lang maramdaman na sa dami ng tao sa mundo may isang taong pumili sayo.

Hindi lahat ng single ay bitter. Yung iba nasasaktan ng todo. Natatakot na baka mabuhay sila sa mundong 'to na walang kasama, walang kakampi. Nagdududa sa sarili nilang puso at pagkatao. Nagmamakaawang bigyan sila ng taong magmamahal sa kanila at makakasama habang buhay. Nasasaktan at umiiyak ng palihim dahil sa mga kantyaw at tuksong akala nyo nakakatawa.

Single kami oo. Wala kaming kapareha oo. Pero tangina, may puso pa rin kami. Marunong pa rin kaming masaktan. Kaya sana, hinay hinay lang. Dahil lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman namin mula sa lahat ng tukso, takot, pagdududa, at mga tanong na hindi namin alam kung saan ihahanap ng sagot, lahat ng sakit, kailangan naming harapin na mag-isa. 'Cause at the end of the day, may ibang buhay ang mga kaibigan at pamilya namin. At lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman namin, wala kaming ibang paghihingahan kundi hangin.

[queenkiara07]

To A Friend,

I felt really bad today that I have to write this letter.

Hi 👋 Alam kong hindi na tayo close gaya noon. We barely see each other. We barely talk to each other. Honestly, I miss you! But this is not about that.

Can I ask you a favor? Please! Choose your friends carefully and wisely. Piliin mong mabuti yung mga taong sasamahan mo at tatawagin mong kaibigan. Hindi lahat deserve ka.

Today, I saw and heard how they judged and laughed at you. And it hurts. Para sa gaya kong matagal kang nakasama, I think you don't deserve that kind of people in your life. I'll be honest, I laughed with them too. Late na nung narealize kong ang unfair ng ginagawa nila sayo. I felt really guilty, not because I laughed. But because I didn't stood up for you. I should've told them to fuck off. I'm sorry I didn't.

You're a good guy. Great guy actually. And you don't deserve them. They called you gay when in fact, it was them who are not man enough to mind their own fucking business.

Love,

Jonnie

PS. You're still the greatest guy I've ever known.

[queenkiara07]

Secret Desire

Suddenly, I feel sad all the time!

Of course, may dahilan. And yes, alam ko kung ano.

Ever since magsimula ang mala roller coaster na last two months ni 2017, lagi ko tong nararamdaman. I feel so alone. Not because walang nandyan para saken. I have my family, I have my friends, now I have my Uno. But at the end of the day, especially after one tiring day. After taking care of stuff. Mag asikaso ng ganito, ganyan. Mag intindi ng mga bagay-bagay, I wonder, who will take care of me? Don't get me wrong, I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Pero sino yung magtatanong kung ok pa ba ko? Kung pagod ba ko? Yung mag-aalaga naman saken pagkatapos kong alagaan yung iba? Sino? Wala. And that hurts. Lalo pag pagod ka and you just want someone to give you a nice back rub until you fall asleep. Someone who will bring you food so you won't miss your meals. Someone who will take care of you when you're sick, when you're body gives up from all the puyat, stress & cold weather. Someone who will say, 'you did great today'. Someone who will hug you tight and kiss you goodnight. Just someone who will be there for you whether you need him or not. Someone who will take care of you even if you can take care of yourself.

I was thinking, maybe, it's not for me. To have someone in my life is something that's not meant to happen. Maybe I am not meant to be taken cared of. Maybe, taking care of other people is what I am supposed to do all my life. Maybe a solitary life awaits me. Living in solitude has always been my forte. Maybe to live alone, to be all by myself is what I'm destined to be. And this is not self pity. More of, mind conditioning I guess? Ayoko na kasing umasa pa.

But honestly? It hurts so bad and it's one of the scariest things I've ever thought. I've never been so afraid to live alone. To never experience how it is to be loved, how it feels to be hugged, how it feels to be kissed. And how it feels to wake up every morning with the person you love beside you sleeping soundly. I'm afraid to never have someone to spend the rest of my life with. To grow old alone. To die all by myself. I know I can handle that, but it's scary as hell.

I'm a STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN. But no matter how strong and independent I am, I'm still a woman who secretly desires to be taken cared of.

[queenkiara07]

Breathe, Live

A reflection inspired by the movie "It's Kind of A Funny Story" (2010)

Sometimes, our head is so messy that we think, we own all of the problems in the world. We think that other people are not experiencing the kind of storm we have in our head, and that makes us think that we are not normal. Or we are so different from other people and that makes us weird, or pathetic, or crazy. But no. We are all going through something. Some go through worse, some go through a little less shitty. But that doesn't mean that what they're feeling is invalid. We should never invalidate others feelings or our feelings just because someone is on a much worse situation. Let's accept the fact that we are all fucked up in one way or another. And it's okay. Calm down. It's okay. It'll be okay.

Pressure. We are all under pressure. Pressured to pass an exam, get high grades, pass an entrance examination, go to college, get or maintain your scholarship, get a job, keep your business​, meet the deadlines, reach the quota, get promoted, cook for your kids, provide food for your family, earn enough to live a decent life, raise a child, maintain an adult, get married, have kids, own a house, build a happy family, pay your debts, save up for the future, get laid, fit in, stand out. There's pressure everywhere! But never let those pressure soften you. Toughen yourself darling! Pressure will consume you alive if you let it get under your skin. Being pressured is sometimes good. It makes you push yourself to your limits, eventually leading to the discovery of your weaknesses, strengths and limits. But anything in excess is bad! Especially if too much pressure is coming from someone else and it makes you lose who you are, or lose your confidence. The pressure of not disappointing other people. May it be your parents, friends, relatives or anyone who's watching your life like a die hard fan. How did other people's expectation became more important than what makes us happy? Why is impressing others become our main goal and we forgot about impressing ourselves? Why do we try so hard to fit in and be accepted for who they want us to be? Why can't we just calm down, look around, be grounded, and see what really matters. Like those people who won't judge you when you wear a black shirt over black pants matching it with black sneakers because they know you love black. Or those who tells you, or asks you what do you want to do and let you do it even if it's a bit different from their thing. Why does we look at the grades of our children and notice the lowest grade instead of applauding them for doing their best for the quarter? It's hard not to think about the disappointed look they'll throw at you if you don't exceed or at least meet the expectation they set especially, if they are someone that matters to you like your parents. But, what's worst? Disappoint them, or disappoint yourself?

Do what you think you should do. Be brave. Don't go to that college if your heart is somewhere else. Don't take that course if you're not into it. Go and see a doctor if you think you need help, fuck what they think. Take that step. It'll bring you somewhere.

Appreciate the life you're living. It's not perfect, I know 'cause perfection is only a myth. It doesn't​ exist. Be thankful for whatever you've got. Love and acknowledge those people who's been there for you despite how messed up you are. Say thank you, say I love you. Talk to them. Try to explain them what's going on with you. If they understand, good. If they don't, it's okay. What's important is that you told them.

And the most important thing, be the help you wanted to receive. First, help yourself. Take care of yourself. Be better. Get better. Second, help other people. You know how hard it is not to receive the kind of help you need, don't let other people suffer waiting for a help they don't seem to get. Be someone else's light. Be someone else's guide. A candle never lose any of its light by lighting another candle. Make a difference in this world full of people trying their hardest to be all the same.

[queenkiara07]

Very random.

At around 4 am today (hello insomnia AGAIN), I was scanning my gallery trying to delete some old photos when I saw this. Very random photo with a lot of random memories. The little things that made me survive the shittiest days of my life. Coffee. Music. And a great company. I miss this. Not the coffee. Not the music. I miss the moments. I miss how random things, random moments become one of the best days of my life. I miss laughing because of the pettiest reason. I miss the the noise and at the same time, the silence.

You know what I realized? Things doesn’t change in a snap of a finger. Things change little by little. So little that you wouldn’t even recognize that it’s changing. Or, you’ll recognize the little changes but you wouldn’t bother worrying about it thinking that it won’t matter at all. Until one day, the last thread that’s holding everything together, can no longer take the pressure. It blew up straight to my face. I was devastated that day. I guess everyone else in that room, that day felt really bad.

The last thread that’s keeping the connection snapped. I thought that was the end. But no. Definitely not the end. I still feel the roots of us is still there holding each other, never letting go. What happened that day was just one of the ‘moments’ we had but that doesn’t define the friendship. Our roots are buried deep inside us. And I’m holding on to that. Maybe one day, we can water it again with laughter, fertilize with moments and conversations and let love and trust blossom again. No matter what happens, our moments will never ever change. Our memories will stay with me until my last breath. Our friendship is still the best friendship I’ve ever had (I doubt if anyone can come close to that). And she will always be my best friend no matter what.

The whole point of this is, I miss her. That’s it. I terribly miss her.

[queenkiara07]

Cont;nue

Note: This post is about Depression. If you feel vulnerable and emotionally unstable and you’re not sure whether you can deal with any post regarding this topic, please, don’t proceed. Come back when you’re ready. But, if you have the guts to take, reflect, and think about what’s written here, congratulations! Keep it up.

I AM NOT A THERAPIST. NOR A PSYCHIATRIST. I AM JUST A FRIEND.

—

I won’t lecture you about the medical side of depression. I am not licensed to do that. I won’t give you statistics on how many people are suffering from it ‘cause i’m pretty sure those numbers won’t show the actual number of cases all over the world. I won’t tell you stories of famous people who once suffered and survived. I won’t tell you my story. I won’t do any of that. I honestly don’t know what I will give or offer you with this post. Let me just spill my thoughts and hope for the best. Again, I am your friend here. I won’t sugarcoat anything. I will be bluntly honest with what I will say (type) so last warning, if you can’t handle it, leave. — Depression is obviously one fucking devil who keeps on messing with a lot of lives. Teens, adults, males, females, celebrities, ordinary people. Everyone. Anyone. It doesn’t have one major cause. Most of the time it’s the accumulation of the bad things that has occured. There’s just one trigger. And once it starts, it’s hard to stop. Your mind won’t stop bugging you. The voices inside you won’t shut the eff up. Everything that can make you feel sad, pathetic, alone, worthless, useless, it’ll fill your head and drown you when you’re not even close to any water. The bullying; how they laughed at you, dragged you down, called you names. The heartbreaks; how they cheated on you, mistreated you, left you hanging, made you beg for a love you thought you deserve. The grief of losing someone you love. May it be your Mom, Dad, sibling, grandparent/s, lover, friend/s or a pet. The failures; the exam you failed when you’re on sixth grade, the interview you messed up for your first job, the game winning shot you missed during a championship game. The mistakes you’ve committed; the lies you told someone that blew up on you face, the pain you’ve caused to someone that matters to you, that tiny error on a document your boss asked you to encode. The insecurities; your imperfect your teeth, the fats that shows when you wear a certain dress, your body hairs that grows way too fast and too much than normal, your complexion, your height, hair, brows, basically your whole body. Your dreams that you’re unable to fulfill. The pressure you feel when you see your friends or batchmates, living an amazing life, getting married, travelling, giving birth while you’re stuck in a place you have no idea how you got in. The opinions, judgements, hurtful words you’ve received from a total stranger to a family member. The abuse you’ve endured from your alcoholic father, your drug addicted mother, your pervert uncle and neighbor, your inconsiderate teacher, your asshole employer. Everything. Every single thing that will make you feel miserable will be on repeat inside your head. The voices inside you knows you very well. It knows what to say to break your heart, to tear you apart. Until it affects you. Until you get to this certain point of darkness where you’ll feel like its impossible to escape or find the light. Your self esteem drops. You don’t know your worth anymore. You feel useless. And you want to be alone. You’ll stop fixing yourself and start hiding inside your room cause you’re too embarrassed to go out. You don’t feel like going out. You’re afraid to go out. You push people away. Get distant, be cold, shut down and don’t talk to people for days, weeks or even months. You talk less, and cry more. You forgot what makes you happy or at least what makes you smile. The foods taste the same. The chocolates you used to love is not as sweet as it was before. Your favorite dish is not as savory as it was before. The memes you used to laughed at is not as funny as it was before. The music doesn’t make you groove or sing. Pen and paper doesn’t make you want to write again. The movies bores you. The colors on your palette irritates you. The skates you used to ride doesn’t give you thrills. The guitar you used to play is in the corner covered with cobwebs. Your definition of fun becomes blurry. The person you used to be becomes a distant memory. You totally forgot who you are. Then, you’ll find temporary escapes. Alcohol, cigarette, drugs, sex, physical pain. Anything that eases the pain inside is addictive. And that’s where the nasty part of being depressed begins. You drink until you passed out and wake up with a nasty headache, lying on a strangers couch. Smoke packs of cigarette, burn your lungs until you can no longer breathe. Do drugs, get high, and forget the world for a moment. Engage in casual and unprotected sex. Work hard for the pleasure you seem not to feel. And the physical pain. The nastiest and the most common escape. Self harm. Blood. Cuts. Bruises. Broken knuckles. Suicidal attempts. The feeling of hopelessness creeps in. You want to end everything. You can no longer take it. You can no longer handle the pain. — Stop. Breathe. Calm yourself. Clear your mind before proceeding to the next paragraph. — I won’t give you a quote to live by. I won’t tell you to pray and talk to God. I won’t tell you to go and seek professional help. I won’t tell you to talk to somebody you trust. This is what I am telling you; TALK TO YOURSELF.

Ask yourself these questions. How many times you’ve wanted to give up? How many times you’ve cried your heart out and said you can’t do this anymore? How many times you’ve cut your wrist, bleed, and got your wound healed? How long have you been fighting through this nightmare? Are you that weak to quit???? Have you fought this hard all through these years just to give up?

So far, you’ve survived 100% of your life. Why give up now?

Talk to yourself. Cause you’ll only listen to one person, and that is yourself. A psychiatrist or therapist can only do so much. They can give you drugs to lift up your mood or diversions but is that real healing? No. You need to convince yourself that you can do this, that you’ll pick your ass off the ground, dust it off and you’ll do everything to find the way out. Remember, its the voices inside your head that caused you this darkness. Its your inner demons that brought you to this hell. And only you can help yourself. Only you can control them. Only you can shut them up. Its hard. I know. But living everyday like everything will fall apart any moment is hard as well. Choose your hard. Control your mind and everything in it. You own that fucking shit, and you should control it and not the other way around. This is a war between you and you. And you can’t win this if you don’t trust your strengths. You’ve survived a lot. You’re stronger than you think. Trust your instinct. Trust yourself. You got this. You’ll win this. Be your biggest supporter when you feel down. Be your brightest light in times of darkness. Cause no matter what happens, day or night, yourself won’t ever leave you. It will always be there waiting for you to call. Unleash the beast you have. You are bigger than any demons you’ve got. — I want you to know, whoever you are, whatever you’re going through. Its okay. Its okay not to be okay (Credits to Jessica Cornish). You’re not alone in this. Everyone deals with shits everyday. Different demons, same hell, just different levels. Some are just good at pretending they’re fine. But I am telling you, to feel down is normal. To be sad is human. Even superheroes with superpowers feel depress sometimes. Its okay! You’re not alone in this. There are people who understands. And if you can’t find one, face a mirror and you’ll see one. Understand yourself.

The only thing that I can tell you is you’re on your own in this fight. Not because people don’t want or can’t help you, but because I don’t want you to depend on someone else. Don’t give the responsibility to make you feel good or happy to someone else. That’s your responsibility and yours only. 'Cause if you give that responsibility to someone else, you’re also giving them the license to make you feel bad or sad. We all got a life to live. And with that life includes problems to deal with. Deal with your own problem. Make yourself a priority. 'Cause not all the time people that cares about you will prioritize you. They’ve got a life too. Be there for yourself. Spend time with yourself. Get to know yourself more. Rediscover yourself again. Love yourself always! And help yourself. Healing starts from within and not from somebody else. If you’re in the dark, don’t wait for someone else to show you light. Be your own light. Shine bright and get the fuck out of there.

Let me believe that you can do it. The world is waiting for you. Believe it or not, the world needs you. I have this belief; that those who went through darkness have the softest, selfless and kindest hearts. And that’s the world needs now. Kindness. Inspiration. Stories of survival. Light. Love.

Our world now is so dark that even the younger ones go through this stuff when they’re supposedly having fun and living life to the fullest. The light you have in your heart, the glow that your soul has is what our world needs. Save yourself please, then, let’s save the world. Or at least someone else in the dark. — If you’re feeling down as you’re reading this, I will make you do these things. Cry. Scream. Punch the wall for the last time. Break the mirror. Throw things. LET IT ALL OUT. Cry. Scream. And cry. As long as you want. Think about EVERYTHING that brought you to this hell. The pains. The heartaches. The disappointments. The failures. The judgements. EVERYTHING. Cry. But promise yourself this– this will be the last time you’ll cry and be miserable because of those things. Enough. One last time, let it all out. Then, go to sleep or take some rest. Relax. Don’t think about anything. Wake up, get up, put some music you like, and fix the mess you did. Let’s start with that. Pick up the broken glasses. Wipe off the blood. Clean your wounds. Put some ice in your knuckles. Take a bath and put something in your eyes to ease the puffiness. Then let everything go. I know its hard. But, what’s not? Everything is hard. You just have to choose your hard. The first step of anything is hard. But, it’ll be all worth it. Take your time. Don’t rush things. Nothing happens in a snap of a finger. Healing is not magic, its a process. Fill your life with positivity and try not to contradict them. Listen to beautiful songs. Inspirational songs to lift up your morale. Try to stay away from social media, that shit is sometimes depressing. Eat. Eat on time! Whether you’re hungry or not, when its time to eat, you eat. Take care of your body. Do what you think will help you besides the temporary escapes you already did. Write. Sing. Dance. Draw. Edit photos or videos. Go out. Walk. Run. Work out. Play ball. Listen to music. Go to parks or museums. Cook. Sleep. Take a bath. Swim. Eat. Anything! Then, do it everyday. Make it your routine. Before you know it, it’ll be on your system.

Do things for yourself. Prioritize yourself. Help yourself. Love yourself. That’s the best I’ve got for you. And YOURSELF is the greatest thing and the only thing you need to get through this. YOU GOT THIS. —

Let me share some songs that inspired me a lot: (hope these will help you too) 1. Who You Are - Jessie J (My fav! And probably my most recommended) 2. Fight Song - Rachel Platten 3. You Don’t Really Know Me - Jessie J 4. I Need This - Jessie J/Chris Brown 5. Masterpiece - Jessie J 6. Nobody’s Perfect - Jessie J 7. Stand By You - Rachel Platten 8. Hero (Kick Ass OST) - Jessie J 9. Harder We Fall - Jessie J 10. Love Myself - Hailee Steinfeld 11. Burn Bright - Natalie Grant 12. Who’s Laughing Now - Jessie J 13. Heartbeat Song - Kelly Clarkson 14. Superheroes - The Script 15. It’s My Party/Sexy Lady -Jessie J (These are my confidence booster)

continue living and being alive ; I BELIEVE IN YOU

[queenkiara07]

Cont;nue