OliviaElise @queenofthefatbabes - Tumblr Blog

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amvs

fat little girls deserve the world tbh society is so traumatizing to them

amvs

fat little girls can do whatever they want forever actually. btw. it’s law now.

amvs

if a fat little girl punches her bullies straight in the nose that’s direct action and also a win for feminism

putthekettleonlove

i love it when people are in their thirties that's so sexy of you

seabeck

Filtered through the trees

anxeious

As we hit a new year, I don’t recommend looking back ten years. Well. It didn’t work out well for me. I went digging for photos of myself from 2016 and went into a spiral. I started with photos of me and saw pictures with my ex. Then I kept diving and ended up looking at pictures and saw screenshots of myself deep in my relationship anxiety, and then came the text messages and next thing I know I’ve spent two hours deep in my past and I had to pull myself out. And it sucked. To feel all those things I used to feel and feel them so deeply that I had to remind myself where I’m at now. How far I’ve come. It’s wild. But I give myself so much grace. I’ve done a lot of therapy to get here, and I’ve had many friends and family help me along the way. I’m not with that person anymore. I got out. I’m with someone that loves me. And even though I’m deep in my postpartum feels, I have to remind myself that I am wanted. That my worth isn’t tied to my body. That I am safe and not abused. That I am safe. And that I am so damn deserving of that.

#personal

I had a baby. I birthed a little baby. My brain is still struggling to acknowledge that cause it’s crazy.

I carried him for 37 weeks before our health was at risk and I had to be induced immediately due to preeclampsia. I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy until the day I went into L&D for high blood pressure. I didn’t expect to give birth the way I did, and despite a traumatic labor, my actual birth was amazing. But sometimes I sit holding my perfect son, and I think of how quickly I had to let go of being pregnant. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my body or have time to really accept that he wasn’t going to be safe and growing inside me. I then was awake for 69 or something hours during labor, and went unmedicated on pitocin for 36 of them. The exhaustion that hit during labor and the days immediately after was absolutely insane and I feel like I’m just now pulling out of it.

I also didn’t prepare for the absolute whirlwind of emotions and hormones that come along with giving birth. I’ve cried so many times, more than I did during pregnancy. And most of it has been because it’s just insane to me that I’m finally here. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I could remember. It didn’t hit me so hard being pregnant, but having this teeny little being here and being able to hold him and kiss him and love on him, it’s so real. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be finally. And I’m so grateful for my husband. He has been my rock. Throughout a very difficult labor, recovering from a life threatening condition, and now being home. He is the most supportive person and partner I could ask for. I cried while he took the dog for a walk yesterday because I’m so appreciative that he gave me this. He gave me this life. I didn’t have to beg, or plead, or let go of a dream. He walked into it with me, despite his fears, and has been an amazing dad.

Postpartum is an insane and difficult time, and I know I’m in for a bumpy ride. Let’s do this shit.

#personal

Sometimes I think about her. Or, maybe I should say them. The me I was before or the me’s I could have been. I’d like to think there’s many of me, floating around in different universes. There’s a me who didn’t have to go through the trauma of losing Beans. She still has him to keep her warm at night, and dry her tears. There’s a me who had a dad who was present and loving. She had tea parties and he walked her down the aisle. A me who left the abusive relationship the first time. She saved years of time and regret…. So many different versions I’ve created in my head. I hope they’re happy.

#personal

Oh. Hi. Is this thing on?

It’s an odd thought to me sometimes that so much time has passed and life has just gone on since I was miserable and dealing with shitty situation after shitty situation. I’m at the point where I get to just live my life and plan for things accordingly. It’s such a wild concept that I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well… a part of me is, but that’s abusive relationships for ya.

I’ve written a few things that are sitting in my drafts because I don’t want applicable people to know that they take up headspace. I’m trying to get to the point where living our best lives is the best kind of karma, and I feel like I’m close to that mindset so I digress.

I’m still no contact with most of my siblings and my father. And I need it that way. In an interesting turn of events, my husband actually converses with my sister and I do not… so that’s a thing. She’s had some stuff transpire that makes it best for us to keep our distance from each other for now, and I have no interest in communication at the moment so it’s working out for the best.

Which brings me to something big. Babies. I’m not pregnant and nothing in this life is concrete, but husband and I have our plans set in place in order to get the gears moving. The poor guy. We have conversations almost everyday on timing, and ovulation, and baby names, etc. etc. I don’t want him to think he’s losing me or us when we embark on this journey, we’re just changing some things…. Forever…. I wish we had more time. Sure, my eggs aren’t dead yet and I have wanted children for yearssss, but I wish we had the time together that we wasted on other people.

Walking into this journey with him has been complicated. Wasting six years with someone who lied his ass off and what he wanted or was capable of (he probably was lying to himself too, in order to avoid the problem and keep our relationship, though I now think keeping the relationship was less about how he loved me and more about the self preservation and knowing he needed someone to take care of him because he refused to take care of himself…) I knew if I was going to date someone seriously, the kids thing was non negotiable and at the first sign of bullshit, I was gone. Ely and I have never really struggled with our communication, but it was hard for him to figure out how to say what he was thinking… which boiled down to “I’ve always wanted kids, but I had written them off because the relationship I was in was too toxic to bring children into.” I had to really sit on that and we had several discussions to make sure it was what he actually wanted. And there have been several times since that he’s come to me, unprovoked, and told me he wanted that future with me. It was also hard because my ex told me I “dictated his future.” I don’t see how coming to your partner with your thoughts and wanting to come to a mutual decision is “dictating” but…. 🙄….. Ely wants this. I want this. And it’s crazy to me that we’re actually almost there. (Fingers crossed)

#personal

My love 🖤

#me #selfie #husband

These dogs, man. Beans and his sister, Mary-Jane. ❤️

On Saturday March 4th, at 7:08am, I got a text message saying “hey, is this Olivia?” I was awake for some reason, and laying in the bath tub. My first thought was “it’s probably spam.” So I searched the number to see if I could find out who it was. The number said it came from a city that was a few miles away from the house I bought. I tried to think if I knew anyone who lived there…. And my stomach dropped. I decided to answer. “Yes, who is this”? The text never got delivered though iMessage. I waited a few hours, while I just sat with it. And then I said “hello”? That one never got delivered either. I think that’s when I knew. I told my husband who I thought it was, and he wasn’t convinced. Thought it may have been his ex, though it seemed like we were actually free of her antics. I thought it was possible, that with her husband dead she may be looking for drama elsewhere. But I still had this gnawing feeling that I knew exactly who it was. It stayed with me for about a week. I kept trying to figure out who would message me and then block me within 7 minutes. The following Friday I got to see my friend, Ariel. We were talking about life and I was playing with her kids for a couple hours before I remembered, and then I told her “hey, guess who I think is trying to contact me again…” And she guessed. Now Ariel is a sleuth. She will try to get to the bottom of any mystery. She also has access to an app that gives people information out for a small monthly fee. So she looked the number up and it was attached to some guy with a name I’d never heard. My initial thought was that I was in the clear. Just some rando, maybe someone I’d given my number to at some point in the past and then nothing happened of it. But then Ariel said this guy had something like 8 different numbers in the last 5 years. And the red flags returned. It was probably someone with a new number, just like I thought. And because it was iMessage and not coming through like an android, I was pretty certain it wasn’t a number from a texting app. So finally, Ariel said “fuck it”! And texted the number: “Hey, is this Matt”?The response was: “Yes, who is this”?…. I thought I was going to throw up. Thankfully the feeling didn’t last long. She told him it was her and he acknowledged he knew her from work. She was probably just as pissed as I was.

The man who sexually assaulted me, the one I told to fuck off and never contact me again, the one who’s car I still look for… terrified I’ll see him around. Yeah. That one. Decided that even though he hadn’t heard from me in over a year, I’ve had him blocked through text and all social media, the one my husband texted and told to back off…. He decided to text me with his new number. Maybe he came to his senses and that’s why I got blocked so quickly. I don’t know and I don’t care. My support system is as upset as I am. My mom said “the man has proven time and time again that he doesn’t know how to take no for an answer.” Lesley said “wow, I continue to be surprised at how garbage this man really is.” I was nice to him. I gave him kindness and support as his world was falling apart. I ignored the assault as long as I could. And the man still won’t allow me to get peace. I just want to never think of him again, which is hard. Because there are moments he pops into my head and won’t leave. But I’m lucky that I am finally at a point where I’m capable of letting the parts of my life I love push all that away. It’s still there, but barely. Over time I hope it goes away completely…. And I think it will, as long as he stays gone.

#personal