It was New Year’s Eve and all I could think about was ringing in the new year with my boyfriend, Miguel. My mama was going to be working an overnight shift at the hospital so I’d have the apartment to myself. I already told Miguel that he could spend the night and of course he got excited because he knew he was getting some ass. So instead of going with my friends to Times Square, I was planning on finally getting some alone time with my boo. I couldn’t wait to kiss his sexy lips after the countdown. Nothing was going to ruin our night.
“Shawn,” he said to me after stepping into my aunt Patrice’s hair salon, “I need to talk to you.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked while approaching him.
“Can we talk somewhere private?”
“Um…okay.” I led him into my aunt’s office and closed the door. “You’re lucky my aunt stepped out to get something to eat. What’s so important that you couldn’t text instead of coming over here?”
“Boo, I can’t be at your place tonight before midnight. I got some stuff to take care of.”
“Miguel, you know how much I’ve been looking forward to tonight.”
“I can be there and spend the night with you, but it’s gotta be after midnight.”
“Why?” I looked into his eyes and he looked away, and immediately I knew why he wasn’t going to be able to make it. “You know, I am starting to get fed up with them. I understand they’re your boys and everything but I should be important to you, too.”
“Boo, you are important. You’re the most important person in my life. You know that.” He tried to touch me but I pulled away. “Shawn, don’t be like that. You’re breakin’ my heart.”
“I already told my friends I wasn’t going with them to Times Square. I have no other plans because I thought me and you were gonna spend our first New Year’s Eve together. It’s bad enough that I rarely see you now that you’ve dropped out of school. Now you’re cancelling plans we’ve made.” I turned my back to him because I knew I was about to cry.
I began talking to Miguel Santiago a few days before Valentine’s Day during our eleventh grade year. He sat behind me in chemistry class and would pass me notes with my name written all fancy or with various beautiful drawings on them. He could draw almost anything and was so talented. After he failed the eleventh grade, he decided to drop out and start selling drugs with some boys from his neighborhood. His grandma threw him out and he moved in with his boys, and that’s when I really began to see him less. I’d heard that him and his boys robbed people and stuff but he promised me he never harmed anybody. He was my first boyfriend and I loved him, so I accepted him. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have problems with what he did to make money.
“I gotta handle some business,” he said while stepping up behind me. “Some niggas been tryin’ to flex on our corners and we can’t let that shit ride anymore.”
I turned back to face him and asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”
“Shit, what do you think?” He lifted the front of his hoodie and showed off the pistol he had tucked in the front of his sweatpants.
“No. Miguel, you promised me.”
“I promised that I wouldn’t harm anybody who ain’t deserve it, shorty. I never said I wouldn’t pop a cap in some off-brand niggas tryin’ to bump me and my homies from our corners.”
“And what happens when they make a move on you and your boys? What am I supposed to do if you get shot?” Just the thought of that had me shaken up. “I can’t believe you’re doing something like this. I really can’t believe you walked your ass up in my aunt’s shop with a gun!”
“I gotta stay strapped. You know that.”
“Whatever. I don’t know why I put up with this. There are plenty of boys who aren’t in the closet who would love to date me. Boys that are still in school and…”
“Shorty, fuck all that. You know why you’re with me and why you don’t pay them niggas any attention.” He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. “You love me and I love you more. Them lil’ boys can’t protect you the way your man does.” He tried to kiss me but I pulled away from him again.
“No, Miguel. I’m pissed at you. I’m gonna have to spend tonight alone all because you can’t say no to your friends.”
“I can say no to them, but I’m not because I gotta have their back.”
“Well, what about my back? You say you love me but I feel like I always come in second place behind them. What am I to you? Am I your boyfriend or just some piece of ass?”
“What are you to me? Wow, I can’t believe you askin’ me that, shorty.” He said something in Spanish and then shook his head. “Listen, I promise that I’ll make it up to you. What do you want? You want me to buy you another chain? You want a ring on your finger? You want some money?” He pulled out a big roll of money from his pocket.
I looked directly into his eyes and told him, “I want you to prove to me that you love me more than the streets.”
“Shawn, I do love you. I love you more than anything in this world.”
“Saying it isn’t proving it. You prove it with your actions, Miguel. So no, I don’t want jewelry or your money. If you can’t prove it to me that I’m worth more than anything your homeboys want you to do, then I’m not sure I can do this with you anymore.”
“You wanna break up with me?”
“No, but I will if I have to. I gave you my virginity earlier this year and I have been giving you all of my love ever since. I swear I will never give you another part of me if you can’t prove that you deserve every part of me.”
“Where the fuck is all this comin’ from? I done told you about lettin’ your friends put that bullshit in your head.”
“I’m serious, Miguel. If you truly love me, you’ll keep your word and spend New Year’s Eve with me tonight.”
“What is going on in here?” my aunt Patrice asked after barging into the office. She looked at Miguel and said, “You need to leave my shop.”
“Auntie,” I said, “he was just asking me if he could set up an appointment to get a haircut next week.”
“Boy, do I look like I was born last night?” She sat her food down on her desk and turned back towards Miguel. “You need to go, now. I don’t allow no thugs up in my shop.”
“It’s all good,” said Miguel with a smile. “Shawn, I’ll think about it.” He left the salon and my aunt stood there, looking at me.
I sighed and explained, “It’s not what you think.”
“You are too young to be talkin’ to a boy like that, Shawn.”
“He’s just a month older than me.”
“That’s not what I mean. I can look at him and tell he’s one of those gang members who rob people around here.”
“Wait until I tell my sister about this.”
“Auntie, please don’t. Miguel…goes to school with me. He’s not a gang member.”
“That’s it, I’m telling your mama.”
“Auntie! No!” I looked around nervously. I couldn’t believe she was putting me on the spot like that.
“You lie to me again and I will call your mama right now. Shawn, are you and that boy having sex?”
I rolled my eyes before replying, “Yes. But we use a condom every time and I never go anywhere near his friends. He always comes to me. He’s never raised his voice with me or anything. Please don’t tell my mama. You know how she is.”
She shook her head and told me, “You and your mama are so damn alike. She could never say no to them Dominican boys either. That’s why you’re half-Dominican.” She laughed a little and shook her head again.
“Are you gonna tell her?”
“No. But tell your little boyfriend not to step foot in my shop again. I know he probably had some drugs or a gun on him. And if he does put a hand on you, you make sure to tell him your uncles over in the Southside Bronx are some real thugs.”
“Yeah, yeah. Get your narrow ass back out on the register before these bitches in here think they can their hair laid for free.”
“Okay.” I went back over to the register and sat on the stool by the window. I tried not to think about Miguel but it was hard not to. I didn’t want to give him that ultimatum but I felt like I didn’t have much of a choice. I could only hope that I got through to him.
I sat in my room watching TV as time went by. When eleven o’clock rolled around, I knew he wasn’t going to show up. I felt so stupid; not only for giving him the ultimatum, but also for thinking that I was as important to him as he was to me. On TV, there were so many couples at Times Square waiting for the new year to arrive. Some were all hugged up and others were already kissing. Tears filled my eyes because I knew I was going to have to break up with Miguel. How could I be with someone who constantly puts me on the backburner?
“You can still make it out here if you take a taxi,” my cousin and best friend Sonya said to me over the phone. “Me, Greg, Juanito and Niecy are all out here and we wish you were here, too. Are you gonna come now?”
“Nah,” I replied. “I’m just gonna stay in. I’m already in my pajamas and under the covers. The heater is on and I feel hella comfy.”
“Are you really gonna dump him?”
“What other choice do I have? I can’t be with him if he doesn’t truly want to be with me. I just feel so fucking stupid, Sonya.”
“You’re not stupid. You’re in love. And even though Miguel is dumb as fuck for standing you up, I do still believe he’s just as in love with you as you are with him. I’m the only person in our clique who knows about you and him, and I’ve seen how he is with you.”
“You were only around that one time when he was in my room. You’ve never seen me and him argue.”
“I bet it’s not that bad.”
“You’re just saying that because he buys me stuff.”
“That’s not why I’m saying it. Although, he does buy you some nice shit.”
“Material things do not equal real love. I thought he was the one, Sonya.”
“Damn, you make it sound as if the nigga cheated on you or something.” She laughed a little before explaining, “This is your first relationship so I understand why you’re acting like this. I also understand why you want every first thing to be special with him. But Shawn, it’s not always going to be perfect. That boy does love you but he has other priorities as well.”
“I understand that, but sometimes I feel like the bad outweighs the good with him. He sells drugs and robs people and…I never thought it would be like this. I always thought my first boyfriend would be this nerdy but cute boy who adored me and wasn’t in the closet. How the fuck did I end up with the complete opposite?”
She laughed again and said, “Love is a spontaneous bitch. It doesn’t always give you the option to wait and see if you’re with the right guy. And you can fight it all you want, but you’re still gonna be in love with him. Even if you break it off with him, I guarantee you’ll still be in love with him.”
“I just don’t know if…” The sound of the apartment buzzer going off interrupted me. “Damn, somebody is pressing the buzzer for my apartment. I’ll call you back.”
“Alright. Goodnight and happy almost new year!”
“Later, girl.” I ended the call and hopped off my bed. I dashed into the living room to the speaker and pressed the button to see who was down at the building’s main door. “Who is it?”
“I got a delivery for apartment 552,” said a very deep voice on the other end. “Did I hit the right number on the box?”
“Yeah, this is apartment 552. I’ll let you in. Just leave the package at the security desk and I’ll come down and get it.”
I figured it was something my mama probably ordered online since she was always doing that. So I hit the button to unlock the main building door before going back into my room to put on a pair of slippers and a coat. Just as I was about to head out to go downstairs to get the package, there was a knock at the door. I stepped up to it and asked, “Who is it?”
“The delivery guy,” replied that same deep voice.
“I told you to leave it downstairs. Just leave it at the door and I’ll get it once you leave.”
“I’ll uh… need a signature.”
I was reluctant to open the door but then I remembered my neighbor Miss Jeanette was nosy as fuck and would immediately call the cops if I screamed for help, so I went ahead and opened the door. When I saw it was Miguel standing there holding a grocery store bag, I damn near fainted.
“You asshole!” I exclaimed while lightly punching him in the chest. “You were creeping me out with that fake deep voice. I should’ve known it wasn’t a delivery. What place delivers packages at this time of night?”
“My bad, shorty,” he said with a laugh. “So, you gonna let me in or what?”
I grabbed him by his hoodie and pulled him inside before closing the door. I then kissed him for a little while and then asked, “What are you doing here? I thought you were gonna play gangsta tonight with your boys.”
“Play gangsta? Nah son, I’m a real gangsta.”
“Mmm hmm, whatever.” I folded my arms and asked, “So, what really made you come here tonight after all?”
“Believe it or not, I’ve been thinkin’ about what you said all day. The way you looked at me earlier in your aunt’s salon…I don’t ever wanna make you look at me like that again. That shit fucked with my head all day, Shawn. It was even on my mind when I was in the car with my boys heading to take care of them niggas that’s been on our corners. I had my heat out and everything, ready to blast on them niggas the moment we rolled up on them. But then I thought about how it would make you feel if I killed somebody. I remembered this convo me and you had this one Sunday back in the summer, and it got to me.”
“What conversation are you talking about?”
“The one about me takin’ a life. Remember?”
I thought about it for a second and then told him, “Yeah, I remember.”
“You told me that I can be forgiven for anything I do to someone because that someone would still be here and it would be up to him or her to forgive me. But if I take their life…” He stopped as if he were getting choked up. “If I take their life then I take away their ability to forgive me, and the shit I do to them will never get undone. So me and my boys were just blocks away from the spot when I told them to let me out. At first I thought they were gonna turn on me for not havin’ their backs like I said I would, but the car came to a stop. I got out right in front of a mini mart. I went inside and bought you this.” He opened the bag and pulled out what he’d got for me. “Some Sour Patch Kids candy, a bag of cheese puffs and a Cherry Coke.”
“Yep. I know it ain’t much but I thought if I made it here before the countdown, you’d forgive me. Boo, I am so sorry and you gotta know that you are the most important person in my life. I love you.” He said something else but it was in Spanish.
He laughed a little before saying, “I gotta teach you Spanish. You’re half-Dominican so you need to learn some Spanish.” He got serious again and explained, “I said, I don’t deserve you but since I have you I gotta get my shit together and prove that I love you.”
“Does that mean you’re done selling drugs and all the other stuff you’ve been doing?”
“I’m not walkin’ away from the game just yet, but I am takin’ a step back and thinkin’ about other shit I can do to make money. I owe it to you to be the man you need me to be.”
I touched his face and told him, “Thank you for listening to me and thank you for still believing in us. I love you, Miguel. And I don’t care that we have to keep it hidden. All I care about is what’s best for us. We’re good as long as we have each other. I’d skip college and live on the streets with you if I had to.”
He smiled and asked, “You would? Because if you’re serious we can run our own lil’ thing and rob some banks and shit if you…”
“Are you out of your mind?”
“I’m just fuckin’ with you, boo. Come here.” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. “There’s no other place I’d rather be tonight than here with my boo.” He pulled back and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go to your room and get in bed and watch the countdown.”
We went into my bedroom, took off our shoes and climbed onto my bed together. As we cuddled and watched the live New Year’s Eve special on TV, I thought about how close I came to having to end it all with him. Another year was about to begin and I was welcoming it with my first love right beside me. Just as he’d said, there was no other place I’d rather be that night than there with him. I hoped with all my heart that he would continue to be my first and only love.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
