My memory isn’t perfect for this anymore, but here are the pertinent details:
I’m sitting at a restaurant, being told by my (then) partner that he went out on a limb and told a dear friend of his that he had feelings for them, but that the feelings were not returned. On the way back from dinner, I give a sigh of relief and admit that I’m sorry that he’s hurting, but I’m actually glad that it turned out that way. I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of this particular person in his life becoming a loved one. A partner. Someone I would need to share my partner with. The idea made me uncomfortable for a number of reasons, none of which I’ll mention here.
As it turned out, the individual in question needed time to process what my partner had said and, at the end of this processing, advised my partner that his feelings were returned. Months after the initial conversation above, I had to sit in the kitchen of my house, being told that my partner’s feelings were returned and that he wanted to pursue a relationship. I’ll allow that permission was given to me at this point to take some time to process, to ask them to slow down, but months of this being in the back of my mind hadn’t changed my mind on this relationship, and saying no outright wasn’t offered as an option. So I didn’t say no.
This tacit acceptance of what was going on led to more problems within the relationship, issues of trust and issues of communication. Neither of us were faultless, but there came to be far too much baggage for the two of us to be able to reconcile what had happened, and for me to feel anything other than that I had lost something vital: my partner’s regard.
Fast forward 8 months. I’m in a happy and committed relationship with someone new, and the strangest conversation comes up…
He says, “…So that led to T and I having this amazing conversation about boundaries, what we were and weren’t okay with each other doing.”
I goggle at him. “What? You haven’t had that conversation yet? How haven’t you had this conversation yet?”
He looks at me with this bemused expression. He’d had longer to think about this than me., but I realise my mistake only a moment later. “Shit. We haven’t had that conversation yet.”
“No,” he says. “We haven’t.”
So we do. We go through boundaries, what makes us comfortable, what makes us uncomfortable, people who are off limits, how we’d like to be told about potential new love interests.
I say, “Me and my boy have a veto rule, but we can only use it before love has been said.”
He says, “I’m not sure I like the word veto. Maybe for us we word it as more of something that we keep in mind out of consideration for each other.” Then he paused. “That’s just what you said in a slightly different way.”
“It is,” I agree. “With an added grey area.”
He harrumphs. “I don’t like grey areas.”
I say, “There is a reason for each answer that I have given you in this conversation. You can ask the reason for any of them, if you want to.”
So he says, “Okay. What’s the reason for that one?”
And I say, “I told my ex no regarding this particular person. Months later, I had to sit in a kitchen while he told me that he’d just found out his feelings for that person were reciprocated. I didn’t know how to say no to him again. So I just didn’t say yes, and hoped. I mean, he knew my concerns…” I shake my head, not knowing how to finish. “Consent is such a tricky area anyway…”
He looks at me a long while, then takes my hand with a crooked smile. “You’re right,” he says. “Veto is a good word. Let’s use that.”
Cautionary Poly: Teachable Moments in Polyamorous Relationships is a special feature of Poly Role Models. The goal of this feature is to highlight the fact that successful polyamory isn’t always free of mistakes…and those mistakes can definitely be gained from. Now accepting submissions. Just send me a message to get the ball rolling.
romaincrisis
gracieabrams
vaporwave
theartofmadeline
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
snowghoul
