Queerin' and Fosterin'

Trans queer foster/adopt dad to various small people. Midwest-ish. He/him.

[voidingintotheshout]

“You’re an animal, Sibling Dex. You are not separate or other. You’re an animal. And animals have no purpose. Nothing has a purpose. The world simply is. If you want to do things that are meaningful to others, fine! Good! So do I! But if I wanted to crawl into a cave and watch stalagmites with Frostfrog for the remainder of my days, that would also be both fine and good. You keep asking why your work is not enough, and I don’t know how to answer that, because it is enough to exist in the world and marvel at it. You don’t need to justify that, or earn it. You are allowed to just live” --Excerpt From: Becky Chambers' “A Psalm for the Wild-Built.”

[queeringcare]

Had one of the most bizarre conversations about my identity that I think I’ve ever had today.

Longtime followers may remember Zuma and her brother, who stayed with us in 2022 and then went back to their shitty foster parent. Well, they’re still in care and the foster parent is still shitty. Zuma and Brother are moving here in about a month for a multitude of reasons, and shitty foster parent is mad about it.

Today the caseworker, the kids’ bio parents, Sam, and I met for lunch to talk a little. The parents are safe, pretty chill, a bit like the Conductor’s mom.

We all sat down and immediately the mom says she wants to be fully honest about some things she’s heard from the foster parent: that 1) I “wasn’t [my name] when I was born” (aka trans) and 2) Sam’s “preferred intimate partners” are not me. The case worker freaked out and tried to steer us back to talking about the kids while the parents were all “we don’t have a problem with your lifestyle, just don’t shove it in our faces.”

It’s not the bio parents I’m even worried about in this case. It’s the fact that this fucking insane foster parent hates us so much that she 1) discloses that I’m trans to them (which everyone knows anyway?) and 2) makes up some weird assumption about Sam sleeping around with women because of, I guess, the way they look?????

I literally have had like 10 interactions with this woman in 2 years, during which none of them we talked about queerness. And the last time we talked, last weekend, she said, “I really want us to have a better relationship for the sake of the kids.”

Some very weird things have been said to me and about me and about Sam and I. But to bio parents by a foster parent is a new one. I don’t even know what to do. I guess nothing??

[llovelymoonn]

peter heller apples

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[syzygy-yzygy]

People who don't hyperfixate will never know the slightly horrible, completely impossible-to-replicate feeling of being so intensely invested in something it possesses you, takes over your waking thoughts and rides some weird line between being excited, anxious, and stressed as hell while still being entirely some other beast.

[syzygy-yzygy]

For me the stages of hyperfixation go:

1. Initial interest. I like it, it's on my mind, but it's manageable.

2. Sudden obsession. This is the one that features the most strange needless anxiety. It's new and I'm obsessed with it I wanna chew on it.

3. Dedication. The obsession is just as strong as it was in the previous stage I'm just more used to it. It is a part of my life now. I am actively chewing on it.

4. Casual commitment. Still obsessed, but it doesn't dominate my every waking thought. Still thinking + talking about it tho.

5. Fading interest (ft. The Dread.) It doesn't bring me as much joy as it used to, but I haven't fully moved on.

6. Lost hyperfixation (ft. The Void.) I've based way too much of my life and opinions around liking this thing and now there's that horrible emptiness because my brain took the dopamine hits away.

And occasionally:

7. It returns with a vengeance

[queeringcare]

It would be funny if not for how much it sucks for everyone involved.

Conductor didn’t get a lot sleep last night. He had a rough OT session where he hit his therapist (one of his favorite people). We came home and he went to his room, mad that he couldn’t play the Switch. Instead he turned on his mythology podcast. Cool.

A few hours later I went in and asked if he wanted pizza for dinner. He stood up, looked outside, and said, “You changed the day! You tricked me!” and ran off. I guess he had been asleep and thought it should still be daylight out. He kept on that - angry that I had purposely made it dark outside - for an hour, eventually telling Sam that he’s leaving and finding his mom and we’re bad parents. Lots of throwing and hitting and yelling.

Eventually he found his frontal lobe, asked for ramen, and we chatted about how much that hurts our feelings while he ate. He said he was sorry, and he was just confused.

This kind of blow up happens somewhat regularly now, maybe once a month. This is definitely the most bizarre accusation I’ve heard though.

[daily-spooky]

[she-waves-at-cats]

I think it needs to become common knowledge that "inability to read social cues" can show up as overcompensating.

You don't know how much misbehaviour is allowed, so you become the perfect child who never tests rules.

You don't know if someone is irritated with you, so you'll be extra generous and self-effacing.

You don't know how much is expected of you at work so you'll kill yourself in a minimum-wage job and not notice that nobody else is working like this.

"Hardworking and quiet" should be as much of an autism red flag as "ignores rules and doesn't know when to stop talking". Or why don't we just start using words to communicate so i can stop tracking everybody's eyebrow twitches, that would be great.

[bread-tab]

Sometimes (though not nearly as often) you get subtypes of this where overcompensating even grows into a special interest. I'm looking at you, autistic actors, psychologists, etiquette experts, interculturalists, anthropologists, sociologists, hospitality gurus, fiction writers, philosophers... All you bemused scholars of humanity.

"Ah, this doesn't apply to me... after years of intense study, I can reliably read most social cues!"

When you spend all day in a performance where you are so incredibly Normal and Socially Skilled and then collapse into a nonverbal puddle as soon as you get home, that's an autism.

...

Also. "Not picking up on social cues" is a frame of the situation which looks in from the outside, where "social cues" are a mundane, obvious facet of reality.

As an internal experience, it feels more like: "Most other human beings are weird and unpredictable, especially in groups. They seem to have shared sets of secret rules and nearly imperceptible ways of communicating which lead to erratic, disturbing behavior."

[grison-in-space]

In addition: if you notice that your ability to parse and respond to social cues suddenly goes to absolute shit when you are tired or distracted... you might be looking at hypervigilant social compensation. like a swan gliding through a pond full of sailboats. sure, you might actually be more maneuverable and faster than the sailboats in some circumstances, but boy howdy are those little feets paddling underneath the surface..

[tlbodine]

....oh.

[wuxiaphoenix]

So much this.

[slimereveler]

world's smallest chihuahua found alive and well resting in a warm corn tortilla

[b00bologist-deactivated20260104]

[tiktoksijustthinkareneat]

[argumate]

okay so that’s at least one person who would have no problem if they got sent back to medieval times, the guild hall absolutely going off to this mashup

[quasi-normalcy]

@honey-wine-and-time

[nyxetoile]

Husband: That tune is really familiar.

Me: It’s the Pirates of the Caribbean theme.

Him: Ah.

Me: Mashed with Carol of the Bells. On a harp.

Him: *stares*

Me: Everything is on the internet somewhere.

[marxisforbros]

Conversation with a Native Son: Maya Angelou and James Baldwin

[fragrant-stars]

*through gritted teeth* it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be done. it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be done. it doesn’t have to be-

[sulwynsurbwch]

[zandrapaints]

there's always time to take a moment

[werewolbachia]

'horseplay' and 'monkey business' being treated as synonyms means something. don't know what though

[aaays-and-bees]

Monkeys are so silly that what they consider business, horses consider play.

[werewolbachia]

[theperksofbeingahugefuckingcunt]

What if when we were born we were each assigned a Wikipedia page like a social security number would that be fucked up or what

[dragontatoes]

do you mean a wikipedia page about us? or do you mean some baby is arbitrarily given the rights and responsibilities to update the paramecium article?

[theperksofbeingahugefuckingcunt]

ok I did mean a Wikipedia page about us. But keep talking I like where you’re headed

[peregrineggsandham]

What's your government-assigned Wikipedia page? (No rerolls. I am in charge of "1929 in Wales" now. Not a great year, some bad floods in November.)

[queeringcare]

Mouse

Newbie boy is Mouse. He is 5. He’s not yet diagnosed with autism, but it’s clear. One of his quirks is echolalia. He’s like an interpreter, whispering a second or two behind the speaker. What’s really something is him echoing the Conductor’s verbal stimming.

Conductor does a combo hum-screech all the time, usually accompanied by hitting his chin against something and/or crashing into the couch/his bed/the wall. He stims a lot, more when he’s tired or it’s loud around him.

So we have C stimming and Mouse copying him sound for sound. It’s cute, interesting, and very loud.

So far Mouse keeps to himself, is very polite except that he likes to say “what the fuck” somewhat often, and is sad at night (normal). He has a gorgeous smile and would eat to the point of being sick if allowed. He’s teeny, maybe 35 pounds and stick-thin. He likes to build street lights with legos - only street lights, but of many different sizes and formations.

[rslashrats]

having auditory processing issues is so funny its like the second theres any background noise it sounds like the people talking to you are communicating in simlish

[speedlimit15]

its so disgusting that you actually have to practice skills to retain them. just stay in my brain for retrieval pleaaaaaaassssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee