This is the story of their queer lives

[NEW] The Chamber(January 12, 2023 - currently)

[queermequeeryou]

chapter 3

Dalida was extremely proud of Mahnaz and her recent success. She was sitting on the chair in front of her. Seeing a spark in Mahnaz’s eyes was making her happy and she could not wait for her to fullfill professional dreams. Dalida poured more wine into her glass and listened carefully to the whole story. The smell of black currant, clover and jasmine was very heavy in the air and the tailor felt like she was inhaling it into her lungs. Mahnaz always used a lot of fragnance but today it seemed like she used up the entire bottle.

“Love, what do you think? I see you floated somewhere. Are you here?” soft but worried Mahnaz’s voice helped her to wake up from the strike of thought.

“I’m sorry. Of course I’m there” Dalida took her partner’s hands. “I’m just extremely tired. I felt a little dizzy for a moment. Mahnaz, I’m incredibly proud of you. I love you so much and I’m head over heels now that you have this opportunity. You deserve it like no dancer and choreographer in this city”.

Dalida embraced her woman and kissed her on the cheek.

“I also have something else to talk about” Mahnaz took a brief gaze into her glass and then switched her attention back to the love of her life. “It’s about us. This project with Rihanna, it will take a month but I would like us to not fall apart. I thought we could decide on something”.

Dalida looked at her squinting her eyes, worried.

“Don’t worry” Mahnaz smiled widely. “Well, I don’t know when you plan on proposing to me but no problem. I thought we could discuss having a baby again. I mean, we already talked about it before. I thought we can find a surogate and this way we could be having it in a month”.

Dalida did not know if she should speak now or better wait if Mahnaz will say something more. It was quite surprising she wanted everything now.

“For the record, I’ve already proposed to you and you said yes” a hint of smile when through Dalida’s face.

Mahnaz agreed.

“Yes, it was a joke. We just didn’t choose the date. I don’t want to pressure us on anything but you know what? I recently thought about it all and maybe it’s just one project with Rihanna, nothing will change afterwards but it is also possible that I will have a turnover in my career. I’m worried that if we’ll not hurry, later it could be to late. Do you understand what I mean?” Dalida saw that her partner was really worried about it.

This was definitely not a good moment for planning let a lot deciding on something that big like having a child. Dalida felt guilty for sleeping with Pastora Galvano Porter but also she did not want to throw everything away because of this mistake. She just wanted to forget about it but at the same time she was not ready for children. However, she also felt it could help them to get closer. This was probably an immature idea and not the best one but Dalida could not say “no” to her woman. She smiled to her and kissed her hand.

“Mahnaz darling, yes. I would like to have a child with you. Let’s find the right surogate and start our family. About the wedding, I thought we could get married before you start working with Rihanna. What do you think about it?”

Mahnaz smiled.

“I also thought about that beforehand. Why don’t we get married on the video plan? I hope you will sometimes go there with me of course because I’m going to spend like eight hours a day there, five or six days a week for a month”.

Dalida laughed.

“You plan out something. Where will our child go to school? Have you decided? OK, I’m joking. I’m very happy you thought about everything because I’m terribly busy most of the time”.

Mahnaz stood up and finished her glass of wine. Without a word she took of her jacket and loosened few buttons of her shirt. She sat on a blue satin sofa and looked at Dalida suggestively. Dalida was staring at her, not even switching her attention view for a second. Finally, Mahnaz approached her and set on her lap. Dalida gave her a long, passionate kiss then she took off her partner’s shirt as well as her bra. She licked delicately her nipples as Mahnaz was breathing heavily.

                                                                  ~*~

Dalida was sipping on her black coffee and scrolling over portfolios. There were a lot of men with various features. Each of them had different descriptions alongside, some photos were also available. She also discovered the option to listen to the actual voice of those guys. There were a lot of statistics or metrics, however you call that and documents like university diplomas uploaded on the site. It was a lot of information - Dalida knew she would not meet a person with this data and deciding on which one should be the father of her child was more than scary - it was actually terrifying. One guy took her attention - it was a man named Harvey John Grace. He was a lawyer, zodiac sign: leo. Seemed quite similar to Dalida but more extravert. Without giving it more thoughts because it was too overwhelming, Dalida sent Mahnaz his portfolio but she also mentioned that she will be happy with any choice because they will raise the baby as they both wish so if her woman decides on something else, she trusts her. After clicking on “send” Dalida thought however that maybe it would come out as her not being engaged enough but it was too late. She had to get back to work. Dalida could not believe she is actually having a child soon. She gazed through the window. She was deep in her thoughts when she heard a notification on her phone. It was not Mahnaz. It was Pastora.

[queermequeeryou]

chapter 2

[MUSIC]

Next morning at work Dalida needed to drink two coffees before she finally got more energy. Last night she did not managed to sleep much as Mahnaz kept her busy and invested. She was deeply in thoughts smoking a cbd joint when she heard a knock on the door. It was her assistant Bianca.

“Sorry for interrupting, miss Jefferson. I have somebody on the phone telling me it’s urgent and they call probably the tenth time today despite me telling them it’s advised to book a meeting with you through me”.

Dalida finished her cigarette and left the remainings in the glass ashtray she always kept on her old, wooden desk.

“No worries. Just pass me the talk, please. Thank you, Bianca” Dalida turned on the speaker on her landline phone. “Jefferson from Jefferson Suits, hello. How can I assist you?”

Some light breathing was heard on Dalida’s side. Then, a strong, feminine voice coughed shortly.

“It’s  Pastora Galvano Porter. John James Porter is my husband. I’m calling about the suit for him. I need to order it for a present. I have all the measurements and my expectations written. When could we discuss it further?” voice was very sharp and demanding.

Woman on the phone had a Latino accent and also her first name suggested that she was not American. Seemed to be very rude and not open for much negotations indeed.

“Unfortunately, I’m not able to give you the answer for this. I have to ask my assistant who has my schedule..”

Dalida could not continue though because Pastora broke in.

“Miss Jefferson, do you know who is John James Porter? I don’t need you to check anything. We have to meet today.” at first Dalida did not want to continue speaking but after some time she realized she actually has some time in the evening so what harm could a litle late homecoming do?

“Mrs. Porter, I have time at 9pm this evening. Would that work for you?”

There was a longer pause on the other side of the phone.

“Fine. Please, come over to my apartment. I will send the details to your assistant”.

“See you” Dalida finished the call abruptedly but there was nothing more to say.

She asked Bianca for a glass of water and lit another cigarette.

                                                          ~*~

New York in the summer was always a nightmare. Little hell on Earth. During the day it was hard to move faster then 2km per hour. Dalida was thankful for the help of her driver even though she loved to drive. It was a late afternoon, almost evening and Dalida was trying to get home to change, spend some time with Mahnaz and go for the meeting with Pastora afterwards. Jefferson felt her mobile vibrating in the pocket. It was her partner.

“Love, I can’t wait to tell you. The video I recorded with my group of students... do you remember it? I’m so excited... can you imagine Rihana texted me on Instagram and she said she wants to collaborate? At first I thought it’s just... you know. One message. Lowkey. But she asked me for my phone number and I was called by her agent. Rihanna wants me to direct the choreography for her new video and also she wants me to dance in it” Mahnaz was beyond excited.

Dalida was very proud. Her woman made a very long way. She could not wait to celebrate with her.

“Baby, I’m so proud of you. We will celebrate tonight. I will bring your favorite wine, we’re gonna stay up late, you’re gonna tell me all about that call from Rihanna and then, I’m gonna make love to you all night. How about that?”

Mahnaz laughed on the other side of the phone.

“It was not from Rihanna but her agent. And you have work tomorrow”

Dalida was not letting her win.

“Same thing. Yes, I have work but I’m my boss and I don’t care if I will go there with no sleep at all. I care about you and it’s all that matters”.

“You are crazy, Dalida Jefferson”

                                                         ~*~

Two hours have passed and Dalida was still on the highway, furious and tired. It was already 8pm. There was no option to get home before meeting with Pastora. She planned to spend few hours with Mahnaz, change clothes and go there for half an hour or so and then, get back to the celebrations. 

“Tobey, could you please just leave the highway and can we go straightly to my meeting?”

Next highway exit, they managed to get back to the city. On the way to Porter mansion, they even managed to stop by at the gas station. Tobey filled the car up with gasoline and Dalida changed her clothes in the toilet. She chose a satin navy suit, a plain white t-shirt and buckled loafers. She finished it all up with a dust of “Oud Wood”.  She brushed her hair with a basic black comb. She was ready.

Porter’s mansion was really as huge as they said. The house was very impressive. It was from Victorian era, mostly white but with many beautiful, breath-taking bas-reliefs and arches. Dalida was let in by the butler who showed her the way to the garden. Here she was, Pastora Galvano Porter.

First thing Dalida recognized when she was approaching Pastora was the strong, scent of her perufmes. Bergamot, jasmin, vetiver, musk, vanilla, patchouli. Jefferson immediately knew what it was. Chanel no 5. She was quite surprised because she has not smelled it for years. It reminded her of hot summer nights in Italy she spent with some elegant dame she used to be casually dating more than ten years ago. The other thing Dalida recognized was her strong attitude. The energy she was giving was uncanny. Pastora seemed to be the type that does not take “no” for an answer and will make you do whatever you want. It was a great contrast with Dalida’s lowkey mood she presented all the time. 

“Ms Jefferson. We’re meeting finally. Coffee, water, maybe something stronger?” Pastora accented the last word by squishing harder Dalida’s hand she shaked.

“Water, thank you” 

Pastora mirrored her unaudibly than crossed her legs. She adjusted her short pencil skirt and realized Dalida was looking at that part of her body. 

“These are the sketches. It’s what I want” said Pastora giving her a brief, satisfactory smile.

Dalida coughed and glanced through the drawings.

“What about the material? Any hints or wishes?

Pastora stood up and walked towards Dalida. Then, she bent down filling whole view Jefferson had with her cleavage and touched the jacket. After this, she put her hand on Dalida’s leg and moved it from her knee to the stomach. Then, she stood up and went back to her chair.

“I want this exact same material”.

Dalida took a big sip of water. She did not expect Pastora will be flirting with her. More importantly, Jefferson couldn’t help but enjoy the hell out of it. She felt this certain something in her underbelly. It was something she used to have only for her woman, her partner. Mahnaz. For years. It was not a good sign. 

“I want us to go inside so I can show you what suits my husband normally wears. Shall we?”

When they climbed upstairs to the wardrobe/dressing room, Pastora told her to sit down, made her a drink and just like that, she took off her jacket and blouse and stood there in her bra and skirt. Dalida was glancing at her quite surprised. Finally, Pastora took a jacket from the hanger and put it on. She looked very strange in her husband’s clothing. She turned around with an unbuttoned jacket showing everything and smiled.

“This is his jacket” she explained and smiled. “I will show you the material”.

Pastora approached Dalida and bent down, make her touch the jacket. Jefferson felt the rush of heat inside but it was real hard when Pastora just unzipped her pants. She massaged the certain part for a while, then kissed Dalida passionately and whispered into her ear: stand up, sweetie.

She did so and took her pants as well as the clothing she wore underneath them. Pastora pushed her back to the chair. Then, Pastora performed a fellatio, fucking good fellatio that made Dalida cum very quickly. Pastora took a tissue and cleaned her mouth. Then she stood up from her knees and Dalida made her sit instead. Pastora smiled very satisfied. Dalida used her hands to massage her clitoris passionately. That made Porter breath heavily and moan. When she finished, she had an ejaculation. It was deep, strong, seemed to be quick but in reality took a long time.

Finally, Pastora picked up her clothes.

“Thank you. I’m waiting for the suit for my husband. You know the way out. It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms Jefferson” and just like that, she left the room.

Dalida was terrified, she did not know how this could happen. She went directly to the car where Tobey was waiting longer than it was expected and told him to get back home.

                                                                 ~*~ 

When she got home she saw wine bottle she sent for Mahnaz, all the food the woman prepared - everything prepared and left. There was a note as well: “I’m sorry Love, but I was exhausted. We will celebrate tomorrow. Love you”.

Dalida took the wine bottle and went to her office room. 

[queermequeeryou]

chapter 1

[MUSIC]

Dalida was never completely satisfied. She always aimed to reach the highest goal possible and yet when she fell, she was able to stand up and fight even harder. This was one of her traits she appreciated the most - strength. Despite all the fears, anxieties and doubts she happened to have at some point, she was never giving up. Not her. Because she loved life and she wanted to enjoy it as much as possible. One of the things that was satisfying and motivating for her the most was the success. However, that bastard was addictive as fuck as she used to describe it. She always kept it lowkey. One more award for the best tailor in the city - no big deal, another designer using her work on the catwalk - appreciate it, thanks, let’s move on. This was her. An introvert with a big heart who always turnt into a dancing crazy motherfucker when she drank few beers and hit the dancefloor. 

She always started her day at 5.00 am. First thing in the morning, she hit the gym and worked out for an hour or so. Afterwards, she sipped a smoothie made by her assistant on the way to the office. Around 6.30 the boss was at work drinking her first black coffee of the day and smoking a delicious cigarette. She was trying to decrease the amount of nicotine. Her other assistant was reporting everything that had to be done, she was listening carefully and planning the day out. Usually, around midday Dalida was heading to the workroom. She always made a mandatory small talk with her workers. They were never into haute couture so the company was hiring only eight tailors. After few minutes, she headed to her box where she could stay for hours sewing and measuring. The reason why she created and owned the company with suits was because she was passionate about sewing in a first place. Therefore, she never imagined being an owner who does not know the craft. She was a perfectionist. She could stay in the workroom till the very late hours and was very often the one closing it afterwards. She was not a celebrity, success-story-based-person enjoying her capitalistic life. She was a hard worker from the very beginning and it remained the same even after her breakthrough.

Her wardrobe was very simple. Few all-black t-shirts, one white, one gray,  many socks, few simple underpants (she never wore bras and as she had not a lot going on in that area she was relieved and happy to not be forced to do so). Of course the main part of her clothing collection were her suits. All of them made by her except one Versace men suit she was given by Donatella during last year’s NY Fashion Week in fall. She owned about thirty suits. They were also monochromatic, no bright colors as she did not like them. Close to the wardrobe, there were also here shoes. Loafers with different patterns, some with a little extra belt, some of them just plain. She did not own anything made from natural leather, everything was as eco as possible as she believed she should held her responsibility for the Earth’s well-being. She also had nubuck shoes for less casual looks. She owned a pair of white sneakers and black heavy boots looking like just brought from the army as well. For perfumes, she loved the classic, cedar or tobacco smell. Her favorite one she repurchased over and over - Tom Ford’s “Oud Wood”. If she wanted to change something, she also had Gucci “Guilty” and Guerlain’s “Vetiver” on her shelves. Another important thing were ties. She did not like bows but ties - she paid a lot of attention to details, fabrics and how it was embroidered.

After a long, hard day today she just came back home and poured herself a glass of jack. took off her jacket and sit for a moment to smoke in peace. It was almost 10pm. Her girlfriend was not yet back. She also worked late and hard as a professional dancer and choreographer. A nice, calm night, everything dark. She embraced the moment breathing out the smoke like it was an asmr video.

Moment passed and she looked down at the street. She saw her girlfriend Mahnaz in a street lamp light. She wore that beautiful big hat. Mahnaz was accompanied by a person in a red dress. Few minutes later they were both upstairs; Dalida heard a key opening the door.

“Hi, What’s up?” started Mahnaz and immediately took off her high heels. “My feet are dying.

It looked like she forgot about it but after a moment Mahnaz reached Dalida and kissed her briefly.

“Oh, this is my student Samanta Galvano Porter” Mahnaz pointed at the woman in a red dress. “I promised her to give a CD with some salsa music, no idea who’s the musician, it’s a compilation that I think will work perfectly for her next gig. Please, give me a second, I’ll bring it”.

Was Dalida surprised? Well, Mahnaz has never brought any students to their house. Was Dalida jealous? Frankly, not. She trusted her.

“You have a big, beautiful place” seemed like the girl was into having a conversation.

“Oh, yeah. It was planned to the very details so, we are glad, the effect is what we wanted”

The girl looked intensively into Dalida’s eyes until the point she felt uncomfortable.

“Oh, sorry” said Samanta giving an impression like she just woke up from a short freeze. “Are you Dalida Jefferson, the owner of this famous suits company?”

Dalida did not know how to react so she just nodded.

“Sorry, I didn’t know. My ex-boyfriend always dreamt of a suit by you” Samanta turnt red immediately because she felt the situation being awkward.

The young woman smelt like fresh oranges and some flowers. Could be wearing Marc Jacob’s “Daisy”. Dalida looked at her dress; she looked stunning. It was hard to tell if Samanta was not flirting.

“Maybe you will get back together and then, you can give us a call so you can get a suit with a special discount. Here’s my card” Dalida immediately regretted it but she wanted to show that it is just to be polite and friendly towards her partner’s student.

Samanta smiled in a very sweet way. It was flirting. Now, Dalida regretted giving the number even more.

“Well, we won’t get back together like ever but I’ll take the card anyways. I’m sure my father will like to have your suit” she grabbed it quickly and pretending it was accidental, she touched her hand and squizzed it.

Dalida turned back to the room.

“Love, do you need help?” she shouted towards their music room.

“No, I just found it. Sorry it took me so long. Samanta, here you are. You can train with this. I bet it’s gona be a blast” Mahnaz was very excited about her student’s performance.

Samanta took the CD and put it in her purse.

“Thank you very much, Ms. Nove. I’ll do my best” she took a quick glance at her phone screen. “I gotta go, my uber is downstairs. See you next time”.

The last sentence, she started towards her teacher but she changed her aim. Mahnaz did not realized it but Samanta winked to Dalida.

*

“What a day! I’m glad it’s finally over” Mahnaz seemed very tired. “But you know what, she has a great talent and I try my best to get what she has out. I believe this music will help her”

Dalida embraced her.

“You’re a real scholar, love. I admire your dedication. After hours? Oh gods, who does that? You’re a real deal” Dalida shaked her head and kissed Mahnaz.

“I’m a real deal for you or as a teacher only?” she asked her perversely.

Dalida kissed her again.

“I love you” they kissed passionately.

Mahnaz stopped her to get undressed.

“I’m really tired. Would you like to help me with the shower?” Mahnaz smiled and went straight to the bathroom.

Dalida shaked her head and followed Mahnaz’s lead.

[queermequeeryou]

The Chamber - Characters

Dalida Jefferson, 35, tailor, writer.

Dalida is the owner of her company with suits. She wrote few books about the craft of tailoring, minimalism and details. She’s dating an American-Iranian dancer/choreographer Mahnaz.

Mahnaz Nove, 37, dancer, choreographer.

Mahnaz prepared the choreography for various Broadway shows. She is a very talented dancer and she has her own school on Manhattan. She lives with her girlfriend Dalida.

Pastora Galvano-Porter, 54, businesswoman, ex-model.

Pastora comes from CDMX but she married an American millionaire John James Porter twenty five years ago. They have a daughter - Samantha Marina Galvano Porter. She runs the family business with her husband. She’s a player, claims that she always gets what she wants.

Samantha Marina Galvano Porter, 22, college student.

Samantha is a very lucky young girl, she is very spoiled by her parents. She is a student of performing arts college, she wants to be a dancer on Broadway. She attends classes by Mahnaz.

John James Porter, 51, businessman.

John is the owner of the company that produces whiskey. It is a family company, the process and ingredients are a secret. He’s been married to Pastora, a Mexican woman he met during a business trip, for 25 years. They have a daughter Samantha Marina.

[queermequeeryou]

XV.

The funeral. Ruby was trying to let her thoughts make her float in bitterness. She felt bad, guilty, at the same time holding Blanca’s hand made her able to stand. She wanted it to stop, to finish, to just pass away. She regretted the relationship with Angie at all. They could be friends, she was so wonderful person, instead of hurting her more she could just be supportive. It was no time for excuses, though. There was a dinner after the funeral. Dolores went with Angélica’s mother. Ruby said she needs to get back home. A long compassing hug. Not working. When they went home, Blanca took Ruby in her arms and looked lovingly into her eyes. She could not find her. Ruby kissed her lips deeply, passionately, with a force she did not know before. She pushed her on the bed with rage bulging inside. Their kisses were strong, long, orgasmic. Surprisingly, it was satisfying for Blanca too. She did not say a thing, she just opened her legs wider when Ruby was kissing her face, neck and then, stomach. Ruby took off her shirt or more precisely, tore it apart, then unzipped Blanca’s dress. She stopped though like she got reminded of something. “Is it okay?” asked Ruby trying to catch air. Blanca nodded and moaned. She knew it was what Ruby needed now and that she would never hurt her. Blanca took her own lingerie off and started to rub her lower parts, inviting. Ruby moved fingers inside, she was pressing, massaging deeply, rapidly. Spams of pleasures were going threw Blanca’s body. Ruby stopped and kissed her lips again. She took some oils from the drawer. Blanca laughed with satisfaction holding her finger in her mouth flirtatiously. Then Ruby took a white vibrator with a moving head. She put the oils inside Blanca’s vagina, with special touch on her clitoris which made her shiver and then put on that vibrator while kissing her from time to time too. Her orgasm was inevitable. Strong, deep and long. She closed her eyes and made a long sight. The white substance went outside. Blanca kneeled towards Ruby and put her hand into her, moved it up and down few times. Ruby moved her strongly closer but older woman’s ass was now on her front. She rubbed Blanca repeatedly which made her scream and then let her lick fingers. Then Blanca pushed her back on the bed and went down on her, switching it with some fingering. Ruby came and her eyes were showing this silently. Then, Ruby took a dildo from the drawer and put it insider Blanca. “Backside” she whispered, breathless, all wet and sticky. Ruby fucked her in the ass while still massaging her clitoris when it was possible. Blanca screamed even harder and this time she had a fountain of cum out of her insides. The best sex she could ever imagine. And “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry on the radio meanwhile, again. Blanca came back to consciousness when the sun was already shining a little bit. She saw Ruby massaging her vagina with a tired face. She closed her eyes for a moment. “Love, you should get some sleep. Come on here” she said but Ruby pushed more. After a moment she stopped and burst into tears. “It’s okay” said Blanca and helped her to lie nearby. She hugged her supportably.  Ruby’s hands were smelling. The smell of Blanca’s satisfaction.   “What’s going on?” asked the older woman after a while. “Nothing. It’s just grief. I thought I’d focus on making love to you and it will make it feel better or at least bearable” said Ruby. Blanca smiled and kissed her, thank got her gaze back on her eyes. “Love, as a matter of fact, I’m exhausted. Exhausted because of the pleasure you gave me. I have never had that strong... you know”. “I could drink you all the time” said Ruby with a smile. “I think we are both still very horny but we need to get some sleep. And besides, your mother is probably going to be back soon” said Blanca while caressing Dylan’s hair. They fell asleep.

*

Around midday, they woke up. Dolores made them something to eat before the trip back to Seville. They decided it was better to come back home, to not feel this place anymore. Almost all the way long, they were holding hands.

[queermequeeryou]

XIV.

Rubi sat down and breathed deeply. “Qué pasó?” asked Blanca getting a similar position near her and putting hand on butch’s shoulder. “That was my mother. Angie was killed during trans rights movement manifestation. I’m shocked” suddenly, it has made Rubi felt like she was not able to inhale. Like something was pressuring on her head. Everything was too heavy now. However, it was all inside. No tear appeared on her face. She did not know how to cry and it was like that forever. She was struggling inside, never allowing people in. Blanca faced her and embraced. Rubi looked at her and kissed lady’s hands. “Thank you for being here. Could you go with me to Madrid, I have to see my mother and Ruby’s. Maybe, go to a funeral. I.. for a first time in my life it feels like it is too much. I don’t know why. I didn’t love her. Being honest, I think what I had towards her was sympathy. She was a close friend but she loved me, I know that. She loved me deeply all the time. Even after I met you and I started to behave strange, not appreciate her enough..” Rubi hid her face in her hands for a longer moment. “I wish I loved her the way she loved me. That was the problem. I couldn't force myself. She was perfect and she treated me so well. I couldn't offer her same thing. I was lying to myself, trying to believe love will come or that love is not that important or that it is love, I just have a wrong impression about what it is. When I met you though...” Rubi looked Blanca deep in the eyes and took her hair, then Rubi’s fingers caressed lady’s cheek. “I understood what is love. What is passion. How it really feels to be crazy for somebody. First, I tried to forget about it, then I thought that maybe after I will realize my sexual phantasies with you it will pass and I will be able to get back to my old life. It didn't happen. Instead, I found out I’m falling in love. Blanca, I love you” she said that in a serious tone, looking into that woman’s eyes. She smiled not leaving Rubi from her vision. “Rubi, you are a person I looked for all my life” said Blanca and after that, Rubi kissed her with desire and love. “I will go with you to Madrid and support you with everything you need”. Kisses continued. “If you also want, we can finish, pack and go there right away” she said while leading Blanca back to bed. She nodded and took off Rubi’s robe. However, she was quite surprise that after that news Rubi still wanted to go on. She realized that butch’s movements were stronger than usually, she did not say a thing, it turned her on more because usually she touched her with desire but more intensively than strong. When Blanca finished, Rubi let her lick her fingers. It was strong, releasing.

*

Few hours later they were dozing off but Rubi woke up and kissed Blanca’s shoulder. She felt it and also opened her eyes, then moved to be facing Rubi. The butch touched her hair, face and neck with affection. “You are not only terribly smart but also you look so beautiful I can’t believe it” said Rubi and gave Blanca a kiss between her collar-bones” Blanca laughed loudly which was very usual and charming of her. However, with Rubi she was not doing it for a while because it seemed like quite sarcastic way to react in formal situations or to flirt. However, without any doubts Rubi loved the sound of her laugh. Also her face, lips, wrinkles looked beautiful when she did it. “I will pack” said Rubi standing up from the bed. Blanca kissed her on the cheek. “Do you need help?” asked the lady. Rubi gave back the kiss. “No, love. I will be fine”. Blanca went on packing her stuff instead.

*

On the road, they were very silent. They were just holding hands. Smoking sometimes. Certainly also listening to Rubi’s cassette tapes.

When they arrived, it was an early morning but Dolores was up, probably for many hours because her coffee mug was suggesting that, also the general state of her workroom. She was probably painting all night after hearing about Angie’s death. They were very close. Rubi knocked on the door in a certain way she used to knock while visiting her there and after hearing low voice allowing her to enter, she went in holding Blanca by her hand. Dolores looked at them patiently. Rubi embraced her mother for a longer moment instead of any greeting. “This is my love, Blanca” she said after a moment. Dolores smiled and shook lady’s hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Dolores. Rubi spoke about you very warmly. I’m glad to meet you, however not about the circumstances” she said and dried her painted hands in her apron unintentionally. Her hands were all with paint but it not wet anymore so she could not just wipe it out, it was her usual mechanical gesture. “I’m deeply sorry for your loss.” said Blanca meaning it “I’m also very thankful that we can be introduced to each other, doña Dolores” Lady looked at Rubi and she smiled. There was so much love in their eyes. “Coffee? I can’t cook but we can also make some scrambled eggs and sandwiches for breakfast” Dolores was very straight-forward, hippie type. Her days were filled with art, painting, friends and smoking weed. She did not care much about cooking and being a perfect house-wife.

*

Later, they were eating breakfast, drinking coffee and talking. About Angie, life, Seville, their relationship. Blanca excused them to go the toilet. “You know what, daughter?” said Dolores a moment after the lady left them. “Thank you for breaking up with Angélica. I know, you cared for her deeply. But you never loved her. You would be hurting her trying to lie to yourself, darling. Don’t feel guilty. I see it in your eyes when you look at Blanca. And the way she looks at you. That’s love, Rubi. Take care of it and be thankful. I’m glad to know you have somebody like each other”. Rubi sighed. “You were close with Angie, weren’t you? Dolores nodded. “We had same spirit. Free. Bold. Ambitious. Sometimes stupid. In your years I was exactly like Angie. Willing to change the world. We spent dozens of hours talking and smoking weed. She knew long before you told her. I think she knew long before you even. You were the love of her life, darling. At first we thought you have a depression, you were so closed but Angie knew. She told me, Dolores let her be, I’m her to support her and she still comes back to me so she is loyal even if she sleeps with somebody else. I want leave her.” Dolores looked at her painting and messaged her daughter’s shoulder.

*

Rubi and Blanca have decided to stay few days but they had to go back on Saturday to have the last rehearsals weekend before the premiere. They also thought they need to practice during the week. Angélica’s funeral was scheduled for the next day, two days after she was killed. That day, Angie’s father visited them. She was Dolores’ friend so they spent few hours talking when Rubi joined them. Blanca decided to stay in Rubi’s bedroom.  “Don Guillermo” said Rubi and shook his hand politely. Their families were friends, she knew him for years. “My condolences”. Guillermo Echevarria knew about their break up but he was not upset. He thought they were both adults and families friendship was more important. He wanted to be loyal towards Rubi’s mother. They have always supported each other and he had strong feelings towards her.

*

In the evening, Guillermo still has not left. Rubi went back to her room to be with Blanca but she decided to go back to bring tea for them. She heard a talk in the kitchen.  “These are not the good circumstances. We should let her know in a better way”. “But when? Honey, I want to go with you to a funeral. I want us to support each other. Let’s finally tell your daughter about our love”. Rubi was very surprised. She was not expecting that but also she had nothing against it. They realized she was there. “Rubi? I...” Dolores was a bit nervous. Rubi embraced her mother. “When you were together, Guillermo and I were not that close, we...” “You don’t need to explain to me anything, I’m happy for you” Rubi smiled to her mother and towards Guillermo as well.  Dolores was very shocked but also happy. Rubi was glad her mother has had somebody like him around. It was very important, especially now. 

*

They were sitting and smoking weed. In the same place were sometime ago, they did the same thing with Angie. It was like a katharsis. Everything was being cleaned and they were starting to work this out. Slowly.

[queermequeeryou]

XIII.

First few days in Seville, Rubi has spent mostly writing, exploring the city and searching for an apartment. She saw few and decided on one - she was about to move there at the beginning of next week. Every step Rubi was taking in this city was assuring herself there is a place for her. Blanca was busy with work and her divorce, she said she needed few days alone and Rubi respected that. She was missing her all the time, though. She has never experienced love that strong. It gave her the feeling like there will not be anything more deep in her life. With Angie it was more about stability than about strong feelings. With Blanca, nothing was sure. Divorce was not equal to them being together and Rubi though it is the only right thing to do. She did not want to make them addicted to each other. She let Blanca know she has her complete support on anything she will decide but she was not there all the time to lead her by the hand. Rubi hoped it all will make her feel strong and independent again. On late Friday evening, Blanca called her. “I just wanted to hear your voice” she said instead of any greeting. “How are you doing?” asked Rubi in a caring voice. Blanca sighed deeply. “I live in a hotel and I asked for a protection. He don't wanna give me that divorce. I am tired.” “I wish I could do something to make you feel better” replied Rubi. “Come. Calle San Fernando 2″ she said in a seducing tone and finished the call.  It seemed like she was fighting hard and wanting to get back to how she used to be before.

*

Rubi arrived to the hotel with a bottle of whiskey and flowers, wearing a suit. The place where she rented a room was very luxurious. She went inside looking around the expansive-looking corridors. “May I help you?” asked a man on a desk. “Actually, I’m visiting somebody but I can just give her a call”. Man on a desk looked into his notebook. “Could you tell me the name of the person you’re visiting?” When she told him, he informed her that Blanca left the information with a room number for her. With a surprise smile, Rubi took an elevator upstairs and after a moment, knocked on the door of room 41. The door opened and there was Blanca. In a black robe that she immediately untied revealing black lingerie with clipped stockings. Rubi went inside, put whiskey bottle on the desk and took a look. “Hi, love. You look stunning” she finally said. Her body was glowing, probably because she put so much oils on it. She seemed very prepared for that meeting. Blanca came closer to her and kissed her passionately. Rubi put her hands on older woman’s waist. “Good evening” said Blanca and took off the satin robe. Then, she unpinned her hair almost always styled in a bob. She indeed looked and smelled stunning. “These are the glasses” she said and Rubi opened whiskey; she poured some for her. Blanca still having her tempting look, eyes completely focused on Rubi’s gaze took a huge sip and swallowed it loudly. They kissed again. Blanca kneeled on the bed having Rubi behind. Butch moved her hands down her underbelly and through the lingerie. She was giving her kisses on the neck. Blanca was moving her head and hands with strikes of pleasure. Rubi took a drink from the table and drank a bit, meanwhile Blanca took off her pants. Rubi moved her finger back and forth on Blanca’s clitoris and lower, she put it inside and then after few minutes, white substance came out of the older woman. She moaned heavily. She went off the bed and let Rubi sit. Then, she licked her like she was doing a blowjob till the point Rubi was satisfied. Blanca dried her mouth with a tissue. After few hours of fucking, they were lying embraced, relaxing and later, they fell asleep.

*

They arrived to the theatre together next morning. They both did not care if somebody would realize and if somebody would say something. They were practising and rehearsing for the premiere that due to the divorce was moved for the next weekend. On Sunday evening, after work, Rubi was smoking a cigarette having again, Blanca in her arms. Rubi gave it to the older woman and she was now exhaling the fume. She kissed her on her free hand. She was thinking about Angie which surprised her. Her ex-fiancé was having this manifestation she was so engaged in today. She hoped everything will go alright and that her mother went with Angélica. “I’m thinking about Angie” she revealed to Blanca. “What’s going on?” asked the lady very calmly. “You remember, I mentioned you about this huge manifestation they have today in the market square. She was so much focused on it, I hope it will go well” she said taking a cigarette from Blanca. “Your mother is with her, I suppose. It should all be fine”. Rubi helped Blanca with hair that was coming on her face and put them back which made the lady look into her eyes. Rubi kissed her. “I hope so, I hope so” she said and went back to kissing her.

*

Crowds everywhere, people shouting their words, just trying desperately to be heard. To be seen. Maybe, to be loved. Like everybody else. A noise. Terrible, piercing sound. Blood.

*

That night, Blanca was staying with Rubi for a change. She offered to show her the new flat she was renting from tomorrow on and Rubi was having a ceremonial pick-up of the keys at 10am. She was happy and very excited. They were making love that night, again. The phone rang. Rubi took a break and looked into a telephone screen. Mother. Rubi put on her trunks and her robe. She excused herself, kissed Blanca on the cheek, stood up still in the same room and called back immediately. Her mother’s voice was trembling.“Darling, they killed her” “Who, mum? What has happened? I don’t understand. That’s two o’clock at night” Rubi did not get the meaning at first but she instantly became very nervous like she was already expecting something in her bones, unconsciously. “They shot Angie at the manifestation. She’s dead”. Everything was moving a little bit slower now.

Crowds everywhere, people shouting their words, just trying desperately to be heard. To be seen. Maybe, to be loved. Like everybody else. A noise. Terrible, piercing sound. Blood.

[queermequeeryou]

XII.

Rubi and Blanca were sitting on the coach looking through the window. Rubi was embracing the older lady and she was drinking coffee. They were silently gazing on the rain that was pouring outside. Rubi put aside Blanca’s hair and kissed her neck. They were in love. The entire world could stop existing and that would not change a thing for them. Eduardo was still in a hospital and they were not talking about the future of the marriage. Once in a while, Blanca was confessing something from her past and sometimes her husband also appeared there. Rubi was definitely less willing to unveil aspects about her life. However, Blanca was making her calm and she was doing that because of her character. Normally, she was not that open towards the others. They were also discussing Angie. Rubi was caring for her while still feeling kind of guilty. They spent more than a week together when a younger woman has decided to go back to Madrid and fix her situation with Angie. Too much has happened, she wanted to finish their relationship properly. They were not deciding on engaging more seriously but Rubi decided it was the most proper way to act in that situation. She also told Blanca that she was moving to Seville. It was not only because of their love, she had the rehearsals, the premiere of their play was happening next week. Also, Seville made her feel like home. She never had that in Madrid. This city was too big. She wanted privacy, calmness and in Seville she has found that. Eduardo was about to go out of the hospital. Blanca decided not to pick him up. She was preparing divorce papers.

*

The way to Madrid was very hard and long for Rubi. The thought that it was the last time before moving out to Seville made it more bearable. She was thinking about her mother but she hoped she will understand. She was trying to think about herself. She came home in the evening. Dolores Johnson was sleeping in his chair and Angie was nearby watching tv and dozing off. “Hi, Angélica” she whispered. “May we talk?” They went to the kitchen. Angie looked at her intensely. She was waiting for those explanations. “One thing. I am aware something’s going on for a while but I didn’t want to press. First, we thought with your mother that you have a depression but then, I realized. You have somebody else. I wanted to support you, to try to accept that you have this girl but you’ll still coming back home to me and you are loving and caring but I can’t stand that anymore. Please, tell me what happened if you can and let’s stop this insanity like mature people” she wasn’t mad, she seemed tired. Rubi sighed. “It’s not a girl, it’s a woman. Older than me, we work together. We are in love. It is important. I’m moving to Seville. I couldn't tell you before because at first I thought it was just a lust and for a long time I couldn't imagine my future without you. I still have nothing less than sympathy towards you and if it would be possible I would love to be your friend. I know, we both now it’s impossible but you're a great person, Angie. I really loved you” she looked her fiancé and saw how the rage was growing in her. “Wait, you’re leaving your mother alone? You didn't want to do it when you were with me, we were discussing all of that forever and you never agreed because you wanted to take care of her. Now, just a woman you’ve met recently and you want to leave Dolores completely alone. Fine. But she doesn't deserve it” it looked like she was really worried about her. Rubi felt very embarrassed which surprised her. Angie was right but still, she could not change her mind. “Should I leave tonight?” asked Angélica after a moment “Please, stay. I will go to the guest room”. Angie came closer to Rubi and made the woman embrace her. Angélica started to cry.

*

In the morning, Dolores was not in the house, she was in the work room painting. Rubi wanted to see her and talk. She stopped for a moment. Their conversation was very respectful although quite distanced. “Would you mind if I suggest Angélica to move in when you’ll go to Seville?” her mother surprised her. Rubi shifted her gaze from her hands she was rubbing being stressed towards that person painting. “No, of course not. I really think it’s a great idea. Mother, are you mad at me?” Dolores did a few movements with the brush like she lost the conversation but then she put it aside again and looked at her daughter. “I think if you can’t stay. You will suffocate here. You have to follow what you feel is right. I see in you that you really love that woman and that you are happy with her. All that I care about is you being happy, you know that. Well, also about my painting and meetings with the girls for our weekends of creating and workshops out of town but you know what I mean. Go whenever you want and be happy, darling” she said and hugged her trying to not make her dirty with the paint she had on her clothes. “Would you have a smoke with me before you leave?” she laughed and took out a box with marijuana. Her mother was a great person and Rubi loved her openness.

*

She packed her things and got them ready. Afterwards, she came to the workroom to smoke weed with her mother. They were having real fun. After a while, they heard a knock on the door and Angie appeared. “I’m sorry, I didn't know you're here together” Angie wanted to go out but Rubi stopped her. “Join us, please” She stayed. They had fun. All three. Rubi, her mother and her ex-fiancé. They talked, they laughed, they smoked weed. “I really loved you” said Rubi at some point. Angie stopped laughing. “I know, you already said that today” she replied “And I also loved you. For instance, I still do but I understand even if I’m fucking angry” She kissed her not caring about Dolores who was high trying to bring good energy by murmuring to the sky. Dolores was to engaged into her important activity. Rubi kissed her as well. “You are still very sweet. I am so sorry, Angie. If you’ll ever need anything, call me. And I will be very happy if you’ll stay with my mother”. Angélica smiled. “You see, somebody needs to take care of her” “You are perfect at taking care of people so I’m calm” they hugged again looking happily at Dolores living her best life.

*

In the morning, Rubi packed her baggages to the car and took the route to Seville. She booked a week at the same hotel to give her a time for deciding on a place to rent. She wanted something that would have an office because she wanted to write more. She was also thinking about directing. She put on Brian Ferry’s “Slave to love” and lit a cigarette while driving on a high way.

[queermequeeryou]

XI.

Blanca came back home early in the morning. She thought Eduardo would be still asleep. She was wrong. All the wardrobes were open. His shirts were nowhere to be found. Blanca felt irrational panic rushing through her mind. Did he left her? She heard a knock on the door. It was their maid, Lupe. Blanca let her in. “Doña Blanca, don Eduardo went away for few days. He left a note” Lupe handed her an envelope. Blanca thanked her at sat on the bed to open it and read. Huge part of her wanted him to be gone. This hope died in the most part today. She followed the text quickly,

‘Darling,

I won’t be home for few days. I met a wonderful, young woman. Very beautiful one, completely my taste. As a gentleman, I couldn’t say no to her charm, you understand that perfectly yourself. So, I am a perfect husband and I just wanted to let you know so you won’t be worrying about me. I went to my mistress and in Barcelona. I’m not sure when I will be back but hope to see you there. Take care of our theatre and be reasonable.

Your Eduardo’

She felt the hot tears on her cheek. He humiliated her. She felt stupid, little, unimportant. He was a beast. She could not believe how in the world she could agree to marry someone like him. He seemed to be a man with heart on his sleeve. She could barely recognize him in recent years. Somehow though his cheating on her with another woman felt worse than biting and raping. Perhaps because it did not make her think it was a punishment like she always treated physical violence.

*

Days were passing and he was still not there. Blanca was thinking about him everyday. She cried each night feeling alone, left, stupid. Finally, next weekend came and also Rubi arrived. During a break, she went to the cafeteria and sat next to Rubi. Younger woman took her hand under the table and held for a while to caress it. Blanca felt like crying but she did not. After the rehearsals, Rubi waited for her again spending too much time in the dressing room, getting out of her character. Blanca knocked on the door and when Rubi said that she is allowed in here, she went in. She looked deeply sad, She sat nearby as Rubi was taking off her glued facial hair. She was not saying anything. Rubi saw her face in the mirror, like she was about to cry. “Qué pasa?” asked Rubi after when she turned towards Blanca. Blanca gave her Eduardo’s note. She read it and then, the stream of tears appeared on older women’s face. Rubi looked deeply in her eyes and helped to wipe out them. “I’m sorry to say it but he is not worth your tears” Blanca did not change the aim of her look - Rubi’s eyes staring deeply into hers. “I feel like an idiot now and I still miss him”. Rubi took her face in hands and caressed it. Blanca closed her eyes acting like it was giving her relieve. She kissed her cheek with her tears and then her lips. Rubi wanted to take away her suffering. She embraced her. “I need to go to the girl who works at the desk. Would you wait for me near your car?” asked Blanca. Rubi obviously agreed on that and went out. Blanca was not even able to leave the rehearsals room because Eduardo arrived. He seemed happy and proud. He kissed her and said “good morning” but then, he became nervous. “What is this cologne? I don't use that smell” he looked at her fool of doubts and accusations. Blanca did not know what to say. It was Rubi’s obviously but she had to remain silent. “Whore. You cheated on me?” this man was even more pretentious than he was stupid. “I’m out for few days and you can’t stop yourself, stupid woman” He gave her a strong cheek. Blanca felt it reddening. “How much did you pay him? How are you not ashamed of yourself. Old woman, spending our family money for those kind of things. Stupid woman” he bit her again, now two times. Tears on her face again. Meanwhile, Rubi was waiting outside but it took more than she expected. When she saw the girl from the desk leaving she decided to check on Blanca because it was already more than forty minutes. She did not knock on the door, they were a bit opened so she just slightly pushed them forward with no sound but she stopped because she heard Eduardo’s voice. She looked inside and her heart almost stopped. It was Eduardo Rojo taking his wife from the backside, she was heavily beaten, her face read, her back too, full of signs suggesting she was scratched til blood came out. Rubi was not thinking much, she pushed the door further. They both saw her. “Don Eduardo, I recommend you to stop because otherwise I’m going to call the police right now” Rojo was furious. He became red on his face. When he pushed his wife on the floor and put on his trousers he started screaming and then, he fell on his knees coughing intensely. “His heart” murmured Blanca lying on the flor. Rubi called 911.

*

Eduardo had a heart attack but he was in a stable state, getting back to his senses in a hospital. They also examined Blanca and gave her calming tablets. Despite her requests to not call the police, they had to inform on home violence. She was ashamed. Rubi was with her the entire time. When she went out of the doctor’s room, she stood up and hugged her, kissed her on the head. They was not caring anymore if anybody would see it. Blanca had a sticking plaster under her lip and a seam threw her eyebrow. “Take me to your apartment, I want to go to sleep and forget about today” she said harshly and Rubi agreed on that without any comments. “He will stay in the hospital for week or two” she finally started in the car. “I feel exhausted. Everything hurts”. Rubi took her hand. “It was not the first time he did all those things, wasn't it? she asked tenderly. “No, it was not the first time. It’s how it’s been looking like for few years now” replied Blanca and the tears appeared again.

When they arrived at the hotel, Blanca took a shower. Long one. Then, she crawled into bed where Rubi embraced her, kissed on the cheek and she was able to get asleep being comforted by her.

*

In the morning, she did not even call in ill. She has never done it. Make-up covered her wounds. They came in Rubi’s car together but Blanca went in before here. The rehearsals went on like always. Afterwards, Rubi waited near her car until Blanca went outside surprised that she was not already on the way back to Madrid like always. “I will stay with you for now” she told her. Blanca turned her gaze towards Rubi. “How long?” Rubi took her hands. “However long you will need me. I will book more days at the apartment. I just can’t stand the thought of you being alone now. I won’t pressure you on anything. I will support you whatever you will do”. “Do you think...” Blanca cleared her throat “Do you think I should leave him?” Rubi kissed her palm and stared into her eyes. “I think you should do whatever you feel is the best for yourself. And that’s all I’m rooting for” replied Rubi and embraced her. It cut her deep inside that after what this monster has done with her, she could even consider staying but she decided to respect her and support no matter what. The night was already falling apart. Rubi felt childish sending Angie a text message informing about staying longer in Seville instead of giving her a call but she was not ready to confront her voice. As she expected, there was no response but all she was caring about at that moment was Blanca.

[queermequeeryou]

X.

Rubi mixed her coffee that was already cold and gazed on the patterns that milk has made on the surface. She was thinking. Unsteadily. Maybe she was too impulsive. Too easy to manipulate on. Or just stupid. She felt stupid. When Blanca showed her stocking all of her plans were drowned again. If she wanted to forget about her and lead a normal, happy life she should have quit Seville theatre. She was not able to. She did not want it at a first place. Blanca’s laugh, smile, her voice. Her perfumes. The way she finally relaxed with her and presented that she is vulnerable sometimes. “That woman was perfect” thought Rubi. Even the fact that they did not have sex this weekend was not changing for the situation. It was hopeless to try and forget her, to build a life with Angie after all that has happened in her heart and that meant more than physical attraction. Her husband was energetic and loud. That was what she said about him and it was the only moment when she shied away a little bit even after all those martinis she drank. Rubi did not know that he was violent towards her. She was reflecting how pointless it was for Blanca would never divorce him. It did not mean anything. She should accept it and move on but she could not. She sipped her coffee not bothered by its low temperature. She was not focusing on its taste much anyway. It was only Monday and she was already thinking about Seville. “Lo me matará” she thought. 

*

Again, Rubi started to be more silent and less enthusiastic towards Angélica. She told her it is just work and she need more space to recover, that everything was alright. It was still too hard to tell her the truth. She was even not sure if she should do it at all. She was hoping this illusion will stop by itself but also she did not want to. It was the first time when she had something so pure. Blanca was the first woman she cared about in that way. It was different than with Angie. Blanca was resembling high passion, positive feelings, caring. All those things mixed together. With Angélica it was always more positive feelings and caring. Something that very often happens between heterosexual people who are quite strict and wait with sex til getting marriage and so on. They slept together, certainly but it was different. More subtle, calm. With Blanca it was all over the place. Definitely much more fulfilling, she was giving her more satisfaction but it did not change the fact she has had feelings towards her. It was not just physical attraction for sure. This mixture made it very strong but she also did not want to hurt Angie. There was something that made her stay with her despite the circumstances.

*

“I talked with Carmen, we’re going for the exhibitions for the weekend” said Angélica. Rubi smiled and kissed her forehead. “Bonding with future mother-in-law, huh?” she replied happily. There was something strange that was telling her she will stay with Angélica forever anyway. Like Blanca would have existed only in Seville and when she was away, Angie was more important. Even this playing was not completely a lie because she still had feelings for her but it was incomparable with her fond towards Blanca. Just the thought about of her was incorporating a tender, enjoyable grip down there or a tiny push in her heart that was probably a shot of endorphins. Thinking of Angie was making a warm sign and she was smiling almost always unless it was about guilt. “I’m very glad you both get along” said Rubi looking at Angie. “Me too. It’s going to be a nice weekend. I used to enjoy ours but if it’s just the way it has to be, I understand. Even if you said that you won’t be going there every weekend but it is already two months and you had no free one” Rubi realized some anger in her voice and it was surprising. “I told you we’re preparing a play now” Rubi’s tone was not meant to be that argument-seeking but it came out like that. “Okay, I told you I get it” she stood from the garden bench they were sitting on. “Really? So why are you going away? Angélica sighed. “I got a trans group meeting. We’re planning a huge manifestation on the market square. They fired one of us from work for nothing and we want to arise awareness. That’s why we collected money at the benefit. We’re going to make it huge, hire a band, make some activities for people, emergency stall, huge event as I told” she replied. Rubi stood up and embraced her. “I would join you but I need to work on writing my play. They want to see my progress soon” she kissed her on the cheek. “Whatever, really. It’s just for the regular members anyway. You can’t just walk in like that. I am in a hurry, honey” Angie kissed her on the lips and left. Rubi did not see the tears running through her faces, burning like fire. Disappointment.

*

Both packing, both to different places, both far away from each other already. They were silent until the moment when Angie has started to talk. “Manifestation is three weeks on Saturday evening” she looked at her but she knew it was not a good information for Rubi. “We have a premiere then. I wanted to go with you, support you” Rubi looked at her luggage. “Okay, I get it”.

*

When she arrived at the rehearsals, Blanca and the group were already warming up. She was wearing a red dress today and black Louboutin high heels. The smell of her perfumes was knocking off one’s feet after barely crossing the door. “Rubi. Great you’re here. I have you characterization set” she said showing her same faker hair, liquid latex, clothes and black pencil.  “All you have to do is put some of these on yourself. I give you a space to invent how you want it. Go to the dressing room and prepare yourself” her look was very seductive, flirty. It was hard to focus.  She took the things and went to dress up. Rubi painted her eyebrows to make them look bigger and more masculine as she was to play a man. Then, she put on a binder, a white tank top and pants with a huge buckle. She did not want a beard. She looked very masculine already but also she was to play a younger boy. She just glued few hairs on her jawline to make it look as a little facial hair and decided to to put some hair above the tank top on her chest that looked perfectly flat now. Rubi played a little with her hairstyle as well. She was probably looking very handsome. When she was ready, Rubi got back to the rehearsals room. When Blanca realized she was there prepared, the stare she gave her was long, deep. “Ok, let’s rehearse a scene in which the theatre group finishes their meeting and a man, as we know his name is Enrique, tries desperately to seduce the director” Blanca announced what they were about to work on. First, there was a part in which actors were talking to each other. Two of them made a short philosophical dialogue on the side that was showing how deep things that happen between to people are unnecessary for most of us. We did not know about them mostly but still, two people think that it means the world, that it is the deepest they can get.Blanca came into the scene, like a strong, independent femme fatal. She put her hair in a different way and focused on her shoe. She was playing Georgina Ramos and Georgina Ramos was getting ready to leave. “Ms. Ramos?” that was Rubi/Enrique, his tone was quite nervous. “What are you doing here still?” Blanca/Georgina almost shouted it out. “Would you have a drink with me?” he asked calmly and Georgina laughed loudly. “Are you for real, my boy? she stood up and looked at him. “Reality is the case of being naive. I don't believe in nothing but art” he said staring deeply into Georgina’s eyes.Her gaze changed into more lustful one. Georgina came closer to him. “Be careful, it may be too hot for you” for a moment they both thought they will kiss now instead of following the scenario but they resisted.  “See you tomorrow at rehearsals” they tried many more scenes and it was tiresome as they had to control each other which only have risen their lust towards each other. When the rehearsal was finished, Rubi was very slow with packing and taking off the makeup, like in their scene, she stayed til everybody left. There was a sound of Blanca’s high heels on the wooden floor. “What are you doing still?” she asked in a less “Georginian” tone but on purpose. “Waiting for you” said Rubi still sitting and reaching to Blanca’s hand. “You ruined the play. It’s not like that”. “I’m not playing now” she said, stood up and energetically moved her close to herself, holding her face she kissed her with deep passion. She rested her hands on Blanca’s waist, perfectly highlighted with this beautiful dress. “Take me to your place” she whispered to her ear and they both left. They made intensive, very satisfying love, first taking a bath together then in bed. They were lying embracing themselves and entwining their hands. “You have someone, don’t you? asked Blanca.“Yes, I'm engaged. Her name is Angélica, she’s my age. A wonderful woman”. Blanca was trying to show happiness for her but the sadness was quite hearable in her voice. “You love her, don’t you?” she looked at their playing hands. “I thought so”. Blanca was surprised. “You thought? So you don’t anymore?” Rubi looked at the older woman laying naked near her body and their eyes met. “I’ve been trying to avoid it, but the truth is that I'm not in love with her anymore. Because I love you, Blanca” Rubi saw she closed her eyes and let her caress her cheek.  Rubi gave her a deep, emotional kiss that lasted more as they continued on without much more. Blanca stopped and they were able to breath although it was a short, rapid manner.“I have a husband, I’ve been lying to myself for years. Until you came. I can't hold on to it anymore because, immaturely I fell in love with a woman in a so hopeless way that I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t control myself anymore” said Blanca laying on her back, with Rubi on her.“So don’t control yourself anymore” replied Rubi and kissed her neck.  “Fuck me, Rubi” said Blanca and the younger woman moved her hand down to rub her lower parts. Woman screamed with joy as she came getting completely wet seconds before it. She again, fell asleep in Rubi’s arms feeling calm, safe, satisfied and happy.

[queermequeeryou]

IX.

This week, Eduardo was calmer but as days were passing, Blanca realized that it was also a form of mental abuse. He was acting like she was non-existent. The only sign of him being home was that sometimes he was leaving some mess somewhere like for example his robe hanging in the bathroom, taken to the wardrobe later or notebooks on his desk in the office. Blanca did not miss him but it was strange to live like that. Suddenly, she got hit by the sudden wave of nostalgia. All those years when they were more or less happy, at the beginning of their relationship. Blanca knew it was not real but there was a time when she felt quite calm in her lie. Sometimes she thought it was easier this way. She just wanted somebody trustful who would hold her still in moments when she was about to collapse or break apart. She was very strong and independent but sometimes she needed that.

*

Saturday around noon. Blanca took a long shower, dressed elegantly and used a red lipstick. A bit of her subtle perfumes. Rubi’s favorite stockings with clippings certainly hidden under the dress but the certain blur of shades was making it possible to say that they were those stockings, not simply tights. Possible for people who saw that stockings. Just two of them and considering the attention to it, that was very likely only Rubi could tell.  She was ready to go for the rehearsals. Blanca wanted to announce a new play and also give out the roles.

*

All actors arrive and Blanca started the meeting. She did not catch Rubi’s eye as always but she was there. She was not looking, Blanca felt concerned. She believed the roles announcement would change this. “We’re doing a new play. “Post-sunset boulevard”. It will be heavily inspired by the movie from 50s. However, there are some major changes. We’ll be having a young man who is desperately into her acting teacher, an old actor herself. I will take part and play that woman. The actress will be very cold, ignorant but completely addicted of the idea of youth. It is her obsession. All of her life doing plastic surgeries, using creams. All to stay young. This man, overly self-confident, bold, reckless. Not knowing the world ‘no’. Actress wanted to win an Oscar, never happened. Boy is frankly speaking, obsessed but the actress seems to be indifferent. I have the roles. There will also be a character of a young girl who will be interested in a boy and a close assistant of the actress. Her ex-husband, like in the movie. We also need few people for the little, episodic role of the photographers. I chose who of you will take part” she was reading the names until there remained one role. “For the role of the boy, I want some fresh blood but also I want to do a drag king appearance. Rubi Johnson, you will be playing a boy”. When she said that, Rubi were looking at her for a longer moment. Some people were surprised that a new person in the crew is going to be engaged in that important role. However, everybody knew that Blanca’s decisions have to be respected and nobody said a thing. They were discussing the essentials of the upcoming play. During a break, people were leaving to have a coffee or lunch. Blanca stopped Rubi seeing that people are almost out. Seeing the empty room she said “Would you mind helping me to zip it. That’s hard to get it”.   Her leg was leaned on a chair showing smooth skin and a part of unzipped stocking. Rubi looked around and helped her quickly. Then, she took Blanca’s face in her hands. Blanca pushed her away, with not much strength. “I want to talk with you as you desired. Would you invite me for a drinka after rehearsals?” she said looking carefully into her eyes, “You are invited. Just choose a place”. “Perfect. Salamander at 8pm then”. They both got back to art.

*

They were sitting in the bar, dark lights were making kind of a magical aura. Music was quiet but fitting. Rubi was having whiskey and Blanca focused on her martini. She was almost done after few sips. “Do you want to get drunk? ask Rubi after a moment. Blanca looked at her boldly. “I can’t talk with you about many things without alcohol”. For a moment they were silence, until Blanca ordered second martini. “My situation is very complicated. I don’t want to complicate it even more that’s why but I feel that I can confide in you” she said that an held her hand. She saw the sparkle in Rubi’s eyes. They were talking. About everything. Their mother, current relationships, childhood, interests, life. They could not stop an they spent half ot the night discussing. “Isn’t it worth it too?” said Rubi at some point. Blanca looked deeply into her eyes. That longing, contrast of strength and anxiety. Inner beauty more important than the surface. Rubi kissed Blanca. The passion of it it awoken again the interest she almost buried in sweet heart of Angie. “Let’s go to my apartment. The night is still young”.

When they arrived at the hotel, all that they have done was falling asleep.

[queermequeeryou]

VIII.

Next Monday morning, Rubi and Angie were having a rehearsal in the evening therefore they decided to use a free morning for spending time together. They started with sleeping in and laying in bed. Rubi could not sleep. She was broken again. Her fascination was growing stronger and she was already thinking about how to move to Seville but it was all very platonic. She knew she was not going to do this. She felt like from Blanca’s side it was only an affair. She did not want to talk to her. She just wanted to have sex and that was all. Rubi was disappointed. Maybe she got herself too much carried away with that fascination. Perhaps it was not all lost with Angie. She was looking at her crawled in bed, still dreaming, trying to figure out if there was any chance to reconcile. Angie woke up and Rubi kissed her good morning “I’m so happy to see you” murmured Angélica. “We didn’t have a cozy morning together in a while”. Rubi caressed her cheek. Angie changed position to lie on her stomach. “How is it going in Seville?” she asked finally. Rubi smiled. “It’s great. I feel like I moved forward more than in years working here in Madrid. It’s all very inspiring. I feel completely consumed by that in a positive way” her answer was very convincing as it was enthusiastic. “I’m so happy for you! That’s wonderful. I can understand it. You always wanted to work in a local theatre in the suburbs more than in huge, commercial places. You should go with what your heart says, hun” she kissed Rubi subtly and crawled under her arm to get embraced. “I think I will leave theatre in Madrid. I want to focus on writing my own plays and moving forward in the theatre in Seville” she said caressing Angie's hand and after these words looked at her to find out the reaction. Angélica seemed very surprised. “That’s a huge change. I liked us working together but of course. If that is what will make you happy, I support it with all my heart”. “Really?” asked Rubi not believing her words; she felt a stroke of pain somewhere in her heart because in Angie’s voice she realized disappointment. “Of course, hun. I love you. How could I not support your decisions?” Angie looked at her and back at their hands entwined together. The gem on Angie’s ring shined in the early rays of sun. Rubi kissed her hand in the area the ring was on. She wanted badly to feel for Angie again and forget about Blanca. “Babe, I have one question” said Angélica. “On Friday evening, I have a trans rights organization meeting, as usual but this time they asked us to bring somebody from our relatives or friends to maybe join in or just listen once to our ideas for fighting the equal rights. We have a benefit night at our centre. There’s gonna be some music, drinks, local trans artists, we will collect money. Would you go with me?” Rubi smiled. Despite their current situation, she was always focusing on fighting for equality and it would never change. Also, that evening could be very bonding for them both. “Of course, I would” she replied and kissed Angie tenderly.

*

The rehearsals that evening made Rubi more at ease. She was not feeling calm with Angie for a while now and it was a good experience to be like that again. It made her hopeful and she was really excited for the weekend. Entire week, she was planning a romantic time and hoping that all will work. However, sometimes  her mind was getting back to Blanca. She was fascinated by her but the fact she wanted only sex from Rubi created kind of a resentment. She definitely wanted more from life and from her. Blanca was a wonderful woman but Rubi was starting to realize she was grounding that opinion on impressions and few words she spoke towards her. Maybe it was all just an eclipse of the heart. Or rather of the mind.

*

When the Friday evening came, they both prepared for the night out. Angélica was wearing a very 90s-like dark blue velvet dress and high heels. Rubi took a simple white shirt with a nice clipping instead of a regular collar, black trousers and some Oxford shoes. Additionally, she had a black jacket with some fake leather accents. Ruby took a badge with a trans flag and helped Angie to pin it. She almost cried because she thought it was romantic and loving. They kissed. Rubi also pinned same badge on her chest along with the other one that said “I'm stand with you”. When they arrived at the benefit party, there were many flags and signs saying “Trans lives matter”, “Trans people are not a burden”, “Trans rights are human rights” and other similar ones. The music was very nice and inspiring. They ordered martini and whiskey. The benefit has started with the announcement of the group leader. There was a very emotional speech.“Today, in times of Donald Trump presidency, our position is at stake. Everything that we have fought for! Everything. Many of us also fight but in a different sense. We have been fighting for our country. Very often we were at risk. At risk of losing health. Of losing life. We still do it. We still fight for our country. For our people. For the people of America. However, Donald Trump, our current president wants to ignore us. He wants to make our years of commitment pointless. Cis soldiers are respected. Because they are also risking everything on a regular basis. We have equal duties. We risk equally. Still, cis soldiers are treated as heroes, we are treated as enemies. Donald Trump wants to make it impossible for us to serve for our country just because we haven’t been born with certain body parts. We have to stop it! We have to raise the awareness. Today, we meet also with our families and friends because we want to collect funds for that issue. We’ll be doing manifestations, we’ll record the documentary showing how our brothers and sisters are serving the country. WE WILL NOT BE SILENT!” last words the group leader shouted and all the participants did the same. Then, there were performances and also some sales. There were clothes, paintings, antiques, vinyl, CDs and many more things. People were buying a lot also at the bar. Rubi and Angie were sitting staring silently at each other. Angélica’s eyes were glassy but she was smiling.“What happened?” asked Rubi calmly.“Nothing. I’m just still overwhelmed by how romantic it was when you helped me with the pin. I love you so much and I'm so thankful you are the part of my life”Rubi kissed her for a longer time.“I love you too” it was a bit weird to say it after what has happened but deep inside her heart, Rubi knew it was the truth. They stayed quite longer than they planned but not drastically because in the afternoon, Rubi had to go to Seville. They bought lots of vinyl, some old school posters and used books. Rubi also donated and then, they got back home. The light in Rubi’s mother workroom was still on so she was still working at midnight. Angie danced subtly while taking off her dress and her fiancé was caught by the flow. She embraced her, took off her shirt and continued on. For the first time in a while, they made love to each other without any weirdness or negative tension. Maybe, there was still a chance for them.

[queermequeeryou]

VII.

Blanca took a cab home being aware she stayed too long. She was gazing nervously on her watch and trying not to let herself float into negative scenarios. Maybe Eduardo will be home late or asleep again. He was falling asleep quickly those days. When she was on the way, she let her mind relax a bit by thinking about the time spent with Rubi. It was all wonderful, she was in need for that for a very long time. Closing herself and trying to forget did not change the truth of her orientation. When she was younger she tried to date other men too, before she got to know Eduardo. Every time, she used to feel the same. Void. Dumbness. It was not always violent, even with her husband in early years of their marriage there was no harm but something was not quite right. She was convincing herself for sometime that it was due to the wrong partners, that she just needed somebody more skilful, to satisfy her better, that it was not all because of her lack of interest in masculine body. She was trying and failing. It was all like a machine, almost nothing at all. Motions were happening, she was never able to get any satisfaction from that. Later on, when she became a wife of Eduardo she was forcing herself to think that it was just the marriage. It happens for everybody that they lose the lust to each other after committing, it was nothing unusual. However, she never had it in the first place. She remembered her first time with a woman, shortly after she got into an acting school. It was nerve wrecking to realize how enjoyable sex could be. It was completely different than her experiences with men. No comparison at all. However, she was very young, there were times when many people could not understand it properly and she did not know anybody else who was like that. It was shameful. After it happened between her and the other woman from the university, they were meeting regularly for a while and then, without any notice she never saw her again anywhere in the corridors. She wanted it badly to last longer and she was daydreaming of that for a long time. When she met Eduardo, he was at first very nice for her. He was a gentleman or appeared to be, he was supportive and was giving her loads of praises for her talent and beauty. It was just nice to hear so many positive things from a person. He was also considered handsome by many people. When her girlfriends saw him with flowers picking her up for another date they were all very jealous thinking she was the luckiest girl on earth as he was not only attractive but also wealthy and well-situated. No matter he was older. For a twenty-something year old young woman it was usually a stroke of luck to meet somebody like him. She could focus on her acting or stay at home doing nothing just shining for her husband which some women wanted or rather thought that wanted. For many of them it seemed like an idylle to stay with kids and not be forced to work, however usually the reality was proving them wrong. It was a difficult job to lead a household and the lack of stable job could be having a terrible effects on ones life. Also, Blanca knew she never wanted children, neither she was planning to stay home. She wanted to focus on her biggest passion which was being an actress. Eduardo’s interest was not falling down, he was courting her intensely but without crossing the border. Blanca’s parents were delighted and they were waiting impatiently for the declarations. Blanca was sure her mother realized that something was going on years ago and she probably sighed with relief when they chose a date for their wedding. Blanca wanted to be normal, like everybody else. She just wanted her acting talent to stand out. Anything else. She did not desire to bother with inventing herself all over again. She was not ready to neglect marrying Eduardo and be open with herself. Also despite her general appearance of a strong, cold person from the very young years, she needed support sometimes. She has had her weaknesses like everybody else and she only wanted somebody to embrace her from time to time and tell her everything was going to be alright. She decided Eduardo Rojo was great for that because he was a good man and also she was sure at that time, he loved her truly. Few years after getting married, his father got cancer. It has changed everything. Eduardo was not a gentle, supportive man anymore. He was all in his head, rude, with no expression of even respect towards his wife. It was then when Blanca decided to let herself carried away for the second time. She was feeling down after a long, tiresome day at the theatre they were owning because she was a director of a play but also a main character and the choreographer had an accident last minute, staying at the hospital in coma. A huge premiere was scheduled for the next week, with important guests from a movie industry. A close coworker of Pedro Almodóvar replied and accepted the invitation. There was no option for postponing and also no chance for hiring a new choreographer on that short notice. Nobody could do it so she was forced to direct that part as well. It was stressful. When she got home all she got from Eduardo was negativity. He said she is working too much, that because of her their marriage is having a crisis, that she is not even bothered be her father-in-law state, that she is not helping him in his hard moments, that she should stay at home more and take care of him but she never new what family truly is because having kids was too much for her. That night Blanca went out to a gay bar and had a one night stand again. It was helpful, she relaxed a lot and her mind was more clear again. However after the premiere, which was a success, her happiness and proud from a well-done project was stopped in a cruel way. Eduardo hit her for the first time. At one moment, she wanted to leave. Pack her bags and just leave him forever but she stopped having her tears of rage falling down her cheek. She sat down on their bed. Maybe it was a punishment. She was meant to be a good wife but she cheated on him. Her religious mother told her once that if she would have to choose between having a lesbian daughter or a dead daughter, she would prefer the second one and would pray for that to dear god. And her mother made a sign of the cross. She remembered that monologue. It was the only time she talked about that, shortly after her relationship with the girl in an acting school started. Despite the beatings getting stronger she decided to stay with Eduardo as a some kind of unspoken punishment for her passions. Few weeks after that premiere night when he beat her for the first time, he said he wants a child. He started raping her regularly. She was taking the pills in secret though. One day he found them and was furious. This was the only time he almost killed her and she got to the hospital. Blanca was a very strong person but she has had a nervous breakdown then. It all come down to the even more threatening fact for her - she was expecting a baby. The quickest she could, she went to the doctor and stopped it. That was like a medicine even stronger than the one she got for her breakdown. She felt released. She was taking medicines for a few years more but the results were visible. Eduardo stopped convincing to have a child as his father’s estate was getting worse and worse. She let her take birth control pills again and he was more absent for few months, not bothering her with nothing, just sitting with his father not caring for anything about their theatre which gave her the opportunity to escape into work. When his father died, Eduardo beat Blanca again and forced sex on her, shouted, went out somewhere for few days and when he got back he told her he loves her and needs her. She almost understood him. Blanca was never thinking that Eduardo was a bad man. All the opposite. However, he was very damaged when it comes to the character, his father was a former lieutenant, he was very hard on him, not only physically but also he never said he was proud of him. Eduardo loved him no matter what and it was a toxic kind of bond. Blanca tried to understand him but after the years of respecting him and liking as a person she became to the point when she hated him and was staying just because she was unable to leave and be alone now at the age of 50. The cab stopped near their mansion, she paid and went out. She saw the lights were on but it was the usual because they had service all time and they were working till the late hours before getting to their homes but one two maids were living with them, in different part of the mansion. Blanca was trying not to get into pessimistic scenarios. She unlocked the main doors and took off her high heels. The lamp near Eduardo’s armchair got lit. He was sitting there in a robe with a book on his lap. “I was waiting for you” he said in a low voice and she could hear her own heart starting to beat loudly. “I was at work, I’m sorry, the rehearsals, you know” she replied not looking at him. He closed the book with looking on trembling woman. “You're lying! I was there two hours and the theatre was closed!” he was shouting. “Now, where have you really been?” The last sentence he said more silently and stood up. He walked through the room and stopped behind her back. He put a hand on her neck and then moved towards her waist. “Reply, my love. There’s no need to be afraid” he said moving his hands lower towards the bottom part of her dress. “I was walking and sitting out in the city, thinking about the play. I, I wanted to get some inspiration. I’m sorry to be late but I was carried away with, with, plans and thoughts. I’m very sorry, Eduardo. Don’t be mad at me” she could not talk properly because she was stuttering. He was not listening properly. He ripped off her pants and moved the part of the dress lower ignoring her shiver. “Please, Eduardo. Don’t do this. I... let me have a shower first and we can do this normally. Just give me a second...” she was beginning him but he did not listen. He unzipped his trousers, took up a certain body part and pushed her from the back. It hurt a lot but Blanca did not say anything more, she let her tears run down her face, with no sound. A punishment she deserved - that was what she told. When he finished in her she slapped her on the face. “Now you can have your shower. I’m going to sleep” he said and left her alone. She could not get asleep that night. Even a shower did not clean her. She was having it for forty minutes probably, rubbing everything from her body, even with some parts of skin. Nothing helped. She took a bottle of wine and drank it very silently, then got to bed. After finishing entire bottle of alcohol she was able to fall asleep near her husband. She missed Rubi and felt a sudden need to talk with her finally as she wanted last time.

[queermequeeryou]

VI.

For the entire week Rubi could not find a proper way to tell Angie about everything that has happened. She decided to not pressure herself. When she will feel that is the right moment, she will tell her. The time remaining for another trip to Seville she spend daydreaming about Blanca mostly. She was already thinking of quitting the unsatisfying tiny theatre she was working in on a regular basis but she decided to not push it through too early. On Friday morning Rubi told Angélica she is going to spend her entire weekend in Seville again. Her face showed she was happy and proud but Rubi was also sure that she wanted to be invited. However, she did not say a word. After rehearsals in Madrid theatre she almost run out to her car to go to Seville. She has already put her luggage in the trunk. She again booked a night in the same hostel. She decided to do it in advance as soon as she will get the schedule for the three months. Friday she got free but she wanted entire weekends to be dedicated to Blanca. She opened a beer and watched some legendary performances on youtube. Around midnight she heard her phone ring. It was Blanca. “Are you in Seville?” she murmured. Rubi told her. “I thought so. I’m dowstairs at your hotel. Would you mind having a cigarette with me”. Rubi went outside to smoke with Blanca. She looked stunning. Her black dress was very tight and her shapes were very visible in it. The red lipstick made it impossible for Rubi to not kiss her with passion as a way of saying “good evening”. Blanca slammed her on the cheek. “People” she said looking around and holding the belt loops of hers with a seductive look. “I love when you beat me, it’s so sexy” said Rubi and then, Blanca kissed her with breaks which made her even more horny. “Would you mind?” said Blanca showing her a cigarette to light. They were looking on each other for some time with lust. “How was your week?” asked Rubi without taking her gaze from Blanca’s eyes. She looked on the floor. “Nothing to talk about” she said finally. Rubi took her chin and put it upper. “I would love to talk with you a bit too, you know” she said very seriously. Blanca laughed. “Sex is not enough for you?” she asked and puffed out the smoke. Rubi took her from behind and embraced. “Maybe it’s hard to realize but I’m not all about it although..” Rubi moved her hand lower still holding Blanca in her front. She moved her palm underneath the dress and then found her way around the lingeries. Rubi, very slowly and gently started the massage and Blanca leaned her head back. When the older woman came, she licked her finger. “Tu me disfrutas más que he esperaba” said Blanca breathing heavily. “Likewise” replied Rubi in English and Blanca smiled. “Stay for the night”. She hesitated. “I will visit you tomorrow and bring you presents” she said instead.

*

The rehearsals were easy and natural for Rubi. She quickly became a leading role in the show. Other performers started to know her well after the first rehearsals together. Rubi felt like it was the best choice she could make. And also looking at Blanca for the entire days. It was making her feel ache down there but she was surviving, trying to focus on art and be the best actor in the entire theatre. It got to her that she really could use this opportunity and she was rapidly becoming more and more confident about her career. In the evening, she came back to the apartment and put on music from the 50s, she smoked a cigarette looking out of the window. She was listening to “Rags To Riches” from one common tv series soundtrack.  Around ten o’clock she heard her phone notification. The message said. “Bring the lighter’. Rubi took it and almost run downstairs. It was Blanca. “I forgot my lighter” she said instead of a greeting. Rubi touched Blanca’s hand gently and helped her. “Would you tell me how was your day today?” asked Rubi. Blanca smiled and put hand on her arm, looking deeply in her eyes. “Observing a pure talent most of the day, telling my husband I’m gonna be late.  Nothing unusual” she sucked her spit loud and looked towards different direction. “How is he?” asked Rubi also smoking a cigarette. Blanca looked deeply into her eyes, almost with fear. “I will tell you one day. Right now, I can only think of our night and the surprises I brought” she said after a moment while Rubi was holding her arms supportably. Blanca kissed her on the lips. “Let’s finish our smokes and get inside. I feel cold” she said. Rubi unbuttoned her shirt a bit and held her waist, then gave her a kiss, “Maybe it will help”. Blanca replied in the same way. “For a moment or two” she said focusing on her cigarette.

*

When they got back to the apartment, Rubi poured some wine to the glasses for them.“So you really want to talk?” said Blanca; Rubi was only looking at her with caution. “Well, we can next week or later.” She took a huge sip of a wine but Rubi encouraged her to drink more.“You want to make me drunk?” she said and Rubi moved Blanca closer to her body.“I don’t need to” was her reply.After a long kiss, Blanca focused on her bag. Rubi sat on the bed and unzipped her shirt. The older woman took out a dildo and few other sex toys. “So you’re kinky?” asked Rubi and started to check out how the dildo works.Then, Blanca sneaked into the bed and they started kissing. First it was a massage, then Rubi took the dildo and used it to rub Blanca. Her voice was expressing the climax she felt being touched by the butch. “I’m too tired” said Blanca at some point. She said nothing more. Rubi made a place for her and hugged her from the backside. They did not say nothing more. Rubi just kissed Blanca’s neck and they fell asleep.

[queermequeeryou]

V.

That woman should have never come back to Seville, thought Blanca the very first moment she met her eyes in the corridors of the theatre. She would probably rather burn up all her passion having one night stands with accidental dates from gay bars when her husband was unaware of it. It was strong in the way she did not expect it. She wanted to touch herself recalling their first meeting. When she saw her it was all clear but frankly, she did not expect that Rubi would prepare professionally for the audition. It was pure gold. Blanca was following her performance with a deeming appreciation. She was enchanted by her talent. She definitely had it all to be a great actress. The fact that she used “Waiting for Godot”, one of Blanca’s personal favorite screenplays of all times even rose up the heat. At the same time, it was probably the hottest seduction she has ever experienced. Rubi bought Blanca entirely. She was only glad that the walls in rehearsal rooms had been muted because it was all the symphony of pleasure. When they finished it was already very dark outside. They did not know how much time has passed. Blanca took a cozy blanket and a pillow and they were laying naked on the carpet, with only the basic lightning. Rubi was playing with her hand and she kissed it after a moment. The smell of their hands was intensive but it made Blanca feel like she was in the right place. It made her feel safe comfortable also being held in Rubi’s arms. She never had it before with anybody. It was a contrast to what was between her and Eduardo. They were not saying anything, they were just embracing the moment. “I would literally sleep here with you” said Rubi finally, very silently. Blanca laughed quite louder than it was expected. “I know and I think I would enjoy that too but I need to get back home because I have work tomorrow” she replied after a moment. Rubi found her trousers, in the pocket a very small pencil and a piece of paper. She was like a vintage writer carrying this almost every time. She wrote the address and gave it to Blanca. “I will be staying in Seville till tomorrow noon. You can visit me if you want”. Blanca took the paper without a word and looked on it. “It seems to be on my way. Well, I have to reflect on your casting, you know, without the pressure made by sudden emotions of a different kind but as your hotel is on the way, I can come by tomorrow morning and tell you how it went” she smiled flirtatiously and kissed her afterwards. “I have to go home, it’s very late”.

*

Blanca fell asleep very calm that night. She could not remember last time she slept that well. Maybe, the encounter with Rubi has released her bonds and help her to relax. She was also happy that Eduardo was in his sleep too. She slipped under the duvet and closed her eyes feeling that she is about to drift away. She dreamed of Rubi. She was her wife. It was all like in a marriage of two straight people, they even had a little kid. In this dream, she was experiencing the same type of calmness she had lying down after a satisfying sex. It was like all the puzzles were meant to be like that. She should have never married Eduardo or any other man.

*

In the morning, she visited Rubi as she promised. They both knew the answer already. Blanca officially congratulated the butch getting hired in her theatre for three months of a trial contract with a possibility to make it last longer. They decided next week she will come for a weekend of rehearsals. They talked other condition and than, Blanca put on her gloves like she was about to leave but she added few words and they continued talking. At some point she put her hand on Rubi’s knee and moved forward on her thigh. Then, she rapidly sat on her and started unzipping her stockings. Rubi kissed her passionately. “Fuck me” whispered Blanca which was very strange to hear her saying recalling the personality she had. It was incredibly sexy, though. Rubi put two fingers in her and started massaging and rubbing feeling that Blanca becomes more and more wet. When she licked her fingers that was some foam on it. She tasted very well so Rubi decided to put her bottom parts on the pillow, asked her to open legs wider and she licked her deeply. Blanca came moaning heavily and releasing some more liquid from her body. After that leaned in a sexy way and rubbed Rubi til the point she sighed. They switched places. Blanca was now showing her other side. Rubi touched her vagina from the back side and again, massaged back and forth slowing down when her screaming was suggesting she was about to finish. That way it lasted longer and made it all more intense. Blanca kissed her afterwards and got up to get dressed as it was almost noon. She started with getting her hair tied back into a bun while still having her breast naked, with hard nipples. Rubi came closer to her and licked them, then massaged a little. Blanca took her away and kissed.“I have to go to work but” she kissed her again. “I will bring something next week and we can come back to this after the rehearsals”Rubi embraced her still feeling the older woman’s lips.“Sounds great. I am looking forward to our collaboration on many grounds” she replied and started putting on her shirt. Blanca finished getting dressed, they kissed goodbye and she left the hotel room. Rubi got ready, took her luggage, lit a cigarette and got into the car. On the way home she called Angélica to tell her she got a job. She found few text messages from her asking in a supportive way how is it going as she did not send her anything the entire time. Angie was very happy and proud of her fiancé. For Rubi, she appeared incredibly far, distant. She was already thinking of a proper way to break up. Sex with Blanca did not release her from being indifferent towards Angélica. Now she knew the reason - she did not love her anymore.

[queermequeeryou]

IV.

The trip seemed to last forever but Rubi wanted badly to get to Seville as fast as possible. She was not paying attention to the roads and the signs. She was just letting herself be immersed into daydreaming smoking one cigarette after another. She was not able to think reasonably right now and even a possibility of losing Angie was not stopping her. She was thinking about her mother. She will be disappointed after it will come out. She did not want to make her feel bad but this time, she thought flicking away cigarette ashes, it was about herself. Her favorite song - “Slave To Love” by Bryan Ferry - mixed with high she got from excitement made her feel like it was a movie or something. If the police office would stop her, they would have most likely think she was on drugs. When she arrived at Seville she decided to go straightly to the theatre. She parked her car on a small parking lot around the building and went inside. Outside, it looked very modern. The walls were designed in a precipitous shape, with lots of whites, metals and light wooden veneers. There were some paintings by independent Spanish artists on the walls. When Rubi found the ticket counter she went there. By the desk, there was a young girl in a long, black plait. “Good afternoon. I wanted to ask about the auditions” asked Rubi realizing the girl was staring at her cautiously. Rubi had a feeling her look might have seemed strange for her. “Good afternoon. We do the auditions, yes” she nodded politely. “But they are always led by mrs Blanca herself and now she is not there. Mr Eduardo is present but he is not doing this anymore so all I can offer you now is to wait or maybe come later if you don’t want to stay longer”. Rubi loosened her suit jacket. “I’m not from Seville so I think I will wait” she decided immediately. The girl in a black plait moved some papers from the desk, she seemed busy. “Certainly, please, have a sit or have a look around. But as I said, I don’t know how much time it will take”. “Well, but mrs Blanca will be here today for sure?” Rubi decided to try making herself sure she will not be waiting in vain. “I can’t guarantee you anything, I’m sorry” she said that in an almost pitiful way that Rubi has slightly felt some resentment. What more could she do? She decided to walk a bit through the corridors of the theatre, she took glances on the paintings, read their descriptions. At some moment, she heard girl in a black plait’s laugh and then, even more polite words. Rubi turned around to see what was it about and she saw Eduardo Rojo. He looked very strong, stereotypically, maybe even toxically masculine. He had this demanding vibe. Girl’s smile was probably very nervous because her face reddened and her hands trembled a bit when she was speaking with him. She did not look him in the eyes. Rubi could not say anything to him and catch his attention. He seemed to be a stream of negative energy. She turned her stare on the painting instead to not be forced into introducing herself. He quickly left, almost run away but on the stairs, just accidentally, with literally no additional meaning, their eyes met because he was looking somewhere else and it has happened naturally. Eduardo was too far though, therefore there was no point of speaking between them. He left. The stare froze Rubi, though. She was now sure that this man could cause problems if he would know. This thought consumed her for a while and she was disconnected for a moment. From this stage of floating she was awoken by a face that appeared in the entrance. It was Blanca. Rubi’s heart started to bit faster. When the woman realized her presence she also, reacted feeling the inner heat. “Good afternoon, mrs Blanca” said Rubi staring into her eyes. She was in a short black dress, high heels, her hair like always tied into a bun and same red lipstick that once left a mark on her lips. The smell of her perfumes was overwhelming, it took the entire room the moment she went inside. “Good afternoon” she said waking up a little bit. “Are you here for the audition?” Rubi nodded. “Indeed”. Blanca came further inside and greeted the girl in a black plaid, more energetically. She exchanged few words with her and went somewhere quickly. Rubi was quite unsure if she should follow her or wait. Fortunately, the girl informed her. “Please, wait a moment. Mrs Blanca will prepare the room and she will call”. Rubi untied two buttons of her shirt. It has suddenly became too warm and also all the emotions in her were stirring. Few moments later she was invited for the audition. When Rubi went to the room, she realized that Blanca probably touched her make-up a little bit. “I am very pleased to see you here” she said as an invitation. “Are there nobody else to be judging me?” Rubi asked looking around. Blanca smiled with satisfaction. “No. I’m the one who does it all the time and this one won’t be any different. Well, at least in that sense” she said on the chair with her leg on the other. Rubi took a glance at the stockings that came out from underneath the dress, she probably did not wear them when she went inside because the clippings were different than the tights she wore before. Blanca saw Rubi’s look, smiled flirtatiously and fixed her dress. “Ok, let’s start it” said finally the owner of the theatre. “Go on, show me whatever you want, impress me. I don’t need to give you instructions”. Rubi took off her jacket and made a few rounds, than she stared deeply into Blanca’s eyes citing Beckett: “There’s man all over for you, blaming on his boots the faults of his feet.” Blanca breathed heavily focusing on the performance. Rubi put on her phone an instrumental of a Frank Sinatra song “Strangers in the night” In a moment she also put out of her bag some hair, spirit gum and a mirror. She started singing while creating herself a beard. When the song finished, she stood straight and again took from Beckett’s - “We wait. We are bored. (He throws up his hand.) No, don't protest, we are bored to death, there's no denying it. Good. A diversion comes along and what do we do? We let it go to waste. Come, let's get to work! (He advances towards the heap, stops in his stride.) In an instant all will vanish and we'll be alone more, in the midst of nothingness!” She was speaking very emotionally, it was visible she was a talented actor. Than, she put on “This Woman’s Work” by Kate Bush. She danced to it like crazy, she was letting out of herself all the feelings she had been experiencing recently. When she finished, she stopped on her knees, she was quite tired.  She started put on the song again and then, took a bottle of water, a pad and she removed very harshly her fake beard. Rubi’s chin was very irritated, the blood started to fall from her face. Also, the water was everywhere. Blanca did not stop it. Rubi went very close to the woman. “Did I ever leave you?” Beckett again. Blanca’s breath was still uneasy, they were looking into each other’s eyes. Rubi very tired from the performing. “You let me go” murmured Blanca which was the exact reply from a play Rubi was using. Blanca caught her tie and with it moved her even close. The song “Slave to Love” started. Rubi kissed Blanca passionately and she was not protesting this time. “Close the door” she just said and Rubi moved a key. She pressed the woman to the wall when she kissed her. She sat her on the table and found a way through her dress. Took off her lingeries and licked the inner parts. Blanca was moaning and her voice kinda blurred within the song. She pushed Rubi on the floor, where she unbelted her trousers and put her hand inside massaging that part. They were dancing to the song while Rubi was unzipping her dress. Rubi took off her shirt. Windows were hidden under the roller-blind. That was hard to say what time is it and how long it has lasted. However the more satisfaction Rubi was getting, the more she knew that it will not release her from the situation. It was all done between her and Angélica.

[queermequeeryou]

III.

Rubi could not  find an explanation for her behaviour during a trip to Seville and it was driving her mad. She was used to stability she has created with Angie and it was a long time since she had been thinking about any other woman. Back in the days when she was single, Rubi was very open to new acquaintances and affairs. However, when she got back to Madrid and reunited with Angéline she stopped needing that. It was enough to have her close and it was a great feeling. When she realized after that crazy, strange weekend that it has changed, it scared her deeply. She wanted to have a family with Angie, to feel kind of purpose in life with somebody who understood her constant passion to act. Who could be better then Angie, an actress too who she knew since forever? That eyes and that voice. Finally, that kiss. It was something she was recalling throughout the entire weekend in Seville but she decided to fight with it. All she wanted was to come back to the burlesque bar, find Blanca and feel her lips and the pressure of her body again. Despite that, she convinced herself it will pass like many times before when she wanted a woman who did not feel it was mutual. Fascinations come and go. She knew that perfectly. However, the rest of the weekend was lacking any entertainment or pleasure. She just wanted to come back to Madrid and focus on work. It was hard to forget as kissing Angie was now bringing back the memories of Blanca’s smell and everything that happened between them. Rubi told her fiancé that it is just that she was worried about how the whole move in situation will go. That she was preoccupied with mother and the reaction of Angie made her feel even worse. She kissed her on the cheek and told that if that is really what is making her unhappy, they can stay with her mother. Rubi was really upset that she was like that. She cheated on the most loving person she has ever had in her life. All she could do was  to forget about it and move on. She could not imagine unveiling the truth. Angie would never forgive her. The weekend she thought, was a nightmare. If she would have known before, she would never go to Seville. When they got back home, her mother was sitting on an armchair, reading “Grapes of Wrath” for the fifth time probably and sipping white wine. Rubi greeted her and decided to talk about Angie. She sat near and intertwined her hands. “Would you mind if Angélica moves in?” it was very direct because Rubi was quite pressured and she wanted to fix it once and for all. It might be the next declaration that will help her forget and focus on what was important. Her mother put book on the table and sipped a bit of wine. “Of course I wouldn’t, darling!” she seemed very happy. Rubi smiled back and looked at her. “Thank you very much. You know it means a lot and it’s your house so I just want us all to feel comfortable so we can make a family” she explained. Her mother’s eyes were glassy. “But you're going to propose, aren’t you?” it was a joke, they were never religious so they laughed together. Then it was silent for a moment. Rubi stood up to walk away but her mother stopped her. “Thank you, darling” it was all her mother said afterwards.

*

In the evening, Rubi called Angie to deliver her the news. She could go to her by car but she felt like she was not having energy to face her at that time. Angélica was very glad and excited. They decided to pack her up and move in next week. It was also the time Rubi thought, she should think about the engagement ring. People don’t do that. People are usually more or less responsible. Or at least they try to. Nobody breaks up with a serious girlfriend after two years of being together just because of meeting a stunning, attractive stranger. That was what Rubi kept on trying to convince herself on. She did not want Angie anymore.

*

Days filled with work. Playing, rehearsing till the late night hours, avoiding Angélica. The days became quite trivial, bleached. It was something more than just a lust towards Blanca. That could be somehow revealed without even thinking of breaking up with her fiancé. That could be quite normal. Many people cheat on their loved ones which is not a wisest thing to do but it happens and it could happen to Rubi as well especially considering the fact that she was a womanizer once. However, it was more. She was losing entire interest in Angie, their life together, move-in, engagement. She did not want to propose. Despite that, after a month of living together she planned a weekend that was supposed to solve the entire thing. Friday morning before the rehearsals she went to the jewellery store. She asked a shop assistant to choose the most beautiful ring which was too pretentious for her regular behaviour but it was different. When she saw a nice looking, very shiny one with an emerald gem. That color was fitting Angie perfectly Rubi thought. Maybe it will not be that bad. Looking at this ring was making Rubi less stressful, like the greenness of it was really calming down. She took it. She invited Angélica for a dinner after rehearsals. They went to their favorite Italian restaurant. When they finished the meal, sipping the rest of the wine, Rubi proposed. She really wanted to have pure intentions. Looking into this girl’s eyes was making her feel calm and stable. She wanted to find back the passion and interest into building their life together. As happy beyond words Angie was looking at her emerald ring from different angles, Rubi was trying to convince herself it will all be fine. That night they got back when Rubi’s mother was already asleep. They will tell her tomorrow - they decided. Angie was expecting they will make love for hours that night. Rubi for the first time in her life has felt how is it to be pressured to make sex. It was not a pleasure that time. Something different she was not used to. It felt really bad to do it mechanically almost. She could not get aroused, it was all in vain. However, Angie was so happy with all the preparations she did not realize anything was wrong. Rubi woke up very early when Angie still was asleep. She took her laptop and typed in “Blanca Rodriguez - Rojo Sevilla”. Home page of the theatre appeared on the screen. Indeed, they were doing regular open calls. It was open also during the weekends and during the weekends there were rehearsals Blanca was leading. Rubi prepared herself a coffee and reflected on what to say. She decided to create a lie that was not completely it. When Angie woke up they told Rubi’s mother about the engagement and ate breakfast together, like a family. It was good to see mother that happy and comfortable with her fiancé. They really could be a family but Rubi was burning up like the sin was inevitable (if she had only believed in gods). After food, Dolores went to her workroom to paint. Rubi sat with Angie. She put on her favorite Bryan Ferry cassette. They were listening and Rubi was stroking her being quite absent. She was thinking about the play they were now preparing and calculating if it was very demanding. Song “Slave To Love” - her favorite in the world - went on when she finally started to speak. “Love, I want to talk about something. I don’t feel like I am actually fulfilled. Artistically. This rehearsals we have are not enough and we are about to have a premiere next week, you know my role is really small” she was explaining.Angie kissed her shoulder.“I know, you deserve the main role, honey but we need to be patient. Everything has its time” Angie was very sweet with her support.“I know that, babe but I have an other idea as well. I want to try something different. It really bothers me inside, you know. And this weekend, it is special for us” Rubi looked at the ring Angie was wearing. “But also for me. I want to audition for Seville theatre. I found information online, they have open calls all the time, it’s opened during the weekends. I want to go by myself, try it. I think it can be my place because of how great we felt in this city. I want to remember this weekend even better, to make it symbolic” she really hoped that her fiancé would understand.Angie looked at her quite surprised for a moment but than she massaged her hand and smiled.“Of course. I am very proud of you and always wish you artistic fulfilment. If this is what you want go. I will stay home and maybe try to bond up with my future mother-in-law” Rubi kissed her softly.Then, she went on the most important things. She was about to be back on Sunday afternoon. On the way she smoked a cigarette and listened to music very loud. That was the weekend that was meant to change everything in her life.