SpontanQUEity.

Best known as Que.

[questurr]

06.21.26 - Meanderings

A friend described one of my exes as a “psychopath”. We had many similar traits, so I wondered if we both were. I don’t think that anymore. I do think that we were (are?) both people who crave validation and affection, and we found that in each other for a period of time. It wasn’t enough though. He did cheat on me. It’s not a secret, but it’s a traumatic story for another time.

Jokingly, someone called me a monster because, on the direct flight to Japan, I didn’t use headphones, watch movies, or play games. I mostly stared out the window or read on my Kobo. If that’s extremely bizarre to people, I’ll take it 😂 I just really enjoy thinking, and I guess people can find that a really odd trait nowadays.

I’m very introverted at heart. Because I was expected to respect so many family rules growing up, being an extrovert meant freedom…life…outside of an overbearing home. Now, I enjoy more quiet moments. I’m aware I use extroversion as a distraction for myself so time can pass more quickly or I use it to fulfill a social obligation, distracting people so that when they’re not looking, I can recharge my battery. I genuinely cherish the times I spend at small get-togethers with friends. I become so fixated on our conversations that I hardly realize 4 hours have passed, but it takes A LOT of mental prep to get me to arrive. I have a deeply personal understanding that not being present can make or break someone, so I try to remember that showing up counts.

Maybe in another universe. But you once told me that long distance wasn’t “cool anymore”. You didn’t know that I would have gladly moved my entire life to be with you. But I also know that “distance” was an excuse for a break after I had forgiven you. I lied too though: I never forgave you. And when you asked to go on a walk with me years later, I was still so eager to please you that I bit my tongue and said, “I hope you’re happy.” Now, I’m moving to another country, and I wonder if that’s enough space for you.

“Her thoughts are equal parts quiet and deafening, all at once.”

[questurr]

06.10.26 - Meanderings

I turn 34 in a few moments. I keep wondering if this is where I pictured I would be.

I hope I’m enough.

Sometimes, I think about the me and the life that’s in a different timeline, an alternate universe. It’s a coping mechanism so that I don’t feel the guilt of regret. The truth is, I’m here now. This is the only life I know, the only state of reality that I can grasp. I just have to live it. Or learn to live with it.

[questurr]

03.15.26 - Meanderings

I had a (…bad dream? A nightmare?) where I was stranded, my car was parked an hour away from me, and I wasn’t readily equipped to navigate the local public transportation system. I woke up in a sweat, and immediately downloaded the OCTA app on my phone. Even in sleep, this is how my mind operates. While I’m grateful for my resourcefulness, I’m exhausted.

Actually, where is the line between a bad dream and a nightmare? After taking a look, I’m processing that most of my bad dreams are actually the latter.

Yesterday, I was told that I can be negative because I critically assess situations. I laughed because my exes have thought I was a dreamer (not in a good way), and I get it. I verbalize my exact thoughts to very few people. Most of the time, I look like I’m staring into space. I remember a few moments at Boiling Crab when my friends told me I was swishing a single fry in ketchup for over a minute.

I realize that I often talk about my romantic relationships when analyzing my past. Best friends haven’t worked out well for me, so unless they’re my significant other, I’ve stopped using that term since 2014. It stems from my own trauma and has nothing to do with how incredible these people are. My friends are fantastic human beings, and I have many whom I can depend on with my life. It’s just me.

[questurr]

02.12.26 - Meanderings

The idea that “if he wanted to, he would” is all parts sobering, validating, and terrifying to me.

When the direct response to “I love you and miss you.” after a week of being apart is “Same. I miss sleeping in my own bed.” I work in behavioral health. I’m trying to understand, to deduce this with minimal emotion. Maybe you’re tired and wording things kindly isn’t a high priority at the moment. You don’t mean them. Maybe you’re detached because you’re dealing with emotionally draining family issues. Maybe those issues are why you have difficulty showing affection outside of acts of service. I don’t always need to be at the forefront. I know that. I’m trying really hard, but holy shit, that hurt.

[questurr]

02.07.26 - Meanderings

“But wanting to go back to the last time. That I looked into your eyes. And to tell you the things I didn't get to tell you. I should've taken more pictures when I had you. I should've given you more kisses and hugs whenever I could.”

Another bucket list: Hosting a party in a conservatory. I just really LOVE conservatories.

Not to be confused with conservative ideals.

I have to remind myself that I was just…nothing in the end. But who am I kidding? You’re a ghost. You haunt my days, in my dreams. I wake up in tears because the reality crushes me each time. I’ve been the one who cares so fiercely, fights so hard. So I’ll compartmentalize and put you behind my walls and oceans, to protect myself from you, protect you from time.

I feel like I disgust you every time you recoil. My soul is starving, and that terrifies me. What will I do when an ounce of affection, some sort of attention, finds me?

Today, someone was described as “ditzy” because of their cheerful disposition. I wonder if you all saw me that way, that my intelligence was too simple, or in contrast, if I was too complicated to keep.

[questurr]

02.05.26 - Meanderings

I’ve been thinking often about the topic of desire, especially on respecting the boundaries of others while still trying to fulfill my own needs.

New bucket list item: Disney cruise!

I just booked my Masters in Certified Health Education Specialist exam for May. I figured that, if I leave the States, then at least I’ll have an M in my credentials. I’m trying to give myself grace each time I think about how I could have gotten my Masters a while ago. I was still deciding between a Masters in Public Health or Healthcare Admin, and well, it’s been a rough few years of loved ones passing away.

[questurr]

02.01.26 - Meanderings

“My blood keeps saying, ‘She the one.’”

My clothing style is developing into a mix of goth, dark academia, and something witchy. I’ve freaked out a few of my colleagues enough to have them ask if I was okay 🤣

As deeply important as community health is to me, I can see myself in event planning for a living. I feel alive in the field.

In my opinion, both my writing and public speaking have suffered. Writing a 3-minute speech and receiving nice feedback from a regularly tough crowd today was liberating.

Will I ever feel like I have enough, feel like I am enough? I remind myself that there’s so much more to life than these feelings, but what if they’re the foundation, important to my core?

[questurr]

01.26.26

Ramblings

“I wish I could take a picture of you like this, with the sunlight on your skin.” I remember feeling so beautiful in that moment.

If someone were to ask how I feel in my core, I think I’d reveal…sadness. And as uncomfortable as that sounds, I’d argue that it’s something good. I’m acutely aware that my sadness bubbles near the surface, so when happiness finds me, I close my eyes, breathe, and let it wash over me in a wave.

I’ve been thinking of what a dream home would mean to me. A conservatory or sunroom filled with greenery, and at night, I’d cover the floor in blankets to watch the stars through the glass ceiling. (Feeling my significance as I’m surrounded by nature is a big thing for me.). Windows overlooking a body of water and mountains. A library. An outdoor onsen. A place that friends and family would consider a safe space for reflection and support.

My favorite stories are filled with fantasy, magic, and…

Yearning. A profound longing. It aches in my bones.

I think my 30s are some of my best years in terms of temperament. There’s a softness. I’m more patient, more understanding, more at peace, more quietly confident. I wonder if this is the woman my exes wish I could have been. Right person, wrong time or wrong person, wrong time? It’s hard to fathom I could be more. In this life, I think I’m the convenient person, convenient time for many. Maybe in another life =]

[questurr]

01.01.26

Happy New Year!

I feel that I have so much to express. Where did she…I…go?

I think I’ll start writing more this year.

[questurr]

Hello, it’s been a while!

04.13.23

Certainly unsure of who, if anyone, still reads my Tumblr. If you’re here, thank you for caring. Writing was one of my favorite forms of coping, and sadly, it became a talent and comfort I’ve lost over the years. In many ways, I’ve felt lost over the years.

Anyway, here are some random thoughts from today:

It’s been a while since I’ve felt such a heavy heart. Conveying your concerns and hearing the response “that’s not at the top of my priority list right now” is a tough pill to swallow. I just…didn’t think I’d feel this way ever again.

I’ve learned that the statement if they just did “x” every day then they wouldn’t be “y” is an oversimplified slippery slope into toxicity. If they worked a little bit every day, then they wouldn’t be behind, but you ignore that someone’s doing the work of 3 people. If they saved $1 every day, then they wouldn’t be so poor, but you forget that amount is someone’s meal. If they just tried to be a little bit happier every day, then they wouldn’t be so irritable, but you don’t know that getting out of bed was their biggest accomplishment in days.

I’ve been depending on myself to feel beautiful, and I don’t think that’s normal for the position I’m in.

I miss you, and you didn’t even exist for more than 6 months.

[questurr]

Hello out there.

05.15.2020 I'm not sure if anyone would read this, or if anyone stops by here anymore. But hello there. I think I left a piece of me where it shouldn't belong.

[questurr]

"I'll be okay. And if I'm not, I'll be okay."

08.03.18

For anyone who still reads my posts, thank you for checking in, despite how little I've written.

I've been thinking about life and death quite frequently this past year. There are many things of which I'm not yet ready to share with the world, but here's the gist.

I used to think I was invincible. Despite a very rough adolescence, I like to think that I overcame it by being fiercely dedicated to finally doing things for me. In a way, that explains why I worked so passionately in Circle K International and in all of my jobs. Hamilton the Musical became such a beacon for me because "I want to build something that's gonna outlive me." I've worked so hard to create a legacy.

Then, the appointments came. Then my grandpa passed away. Then more appointments came.

I used to be so worried about break ups, finding love, getting married, being a good mom, finding a career, and growing old.

Now, I'm here wondering how much time I have left. A few years? A decade? Maybe this is what bravery really entails.

I've spent enough time in waiting rooms to think, and I think that if I go, I'll be okay. The only sadness I'll feel is the sadness I'll bring upon my loved ones.

Please don't cry for me. My life has been grand! I'm very proud of all the things I've been able to accomplish. I don't know how much longer I'll have, but I'm satisfied.

"Is it strange for me to say

That if I were to die today

There's not a thing that I would change

I've lived well."

- Eternal Sunshine | Jhene Aiko

[questurr]

Sometimes, I wish we could still be together. But I'm here checking your Tumblr always. I hope you're doing well.

Thank you so much for checking up on me through Tumblr and for keeping me in your thoughts ❤️ If you would like to talk, I'm always available through social media.

[questurr]

i wish i didnt let you go sometimes

Please don't be afraid to tell me personally.

[questurr]

11.07.17 You knew what to say. You always knew what to say. But did you feel the things you said?

I've realized that I harbor so much aggression towards you because I want to block the memories of when you made me feel cherished. On the other hand, our end was met when you ripped apart my dignity, and I was left feeling worthless.

Now, I'm left to wonder if I now compromise my preference of verbal affection for affectionate actions.

But thanks for telling me every morning that I was radiant or that I was beautiful.

[questurr]

Out of all the work I've put into CKI, this is how I'll be remembered 😂💕 Thanks to @divadivineindy I think for the entertaining as heck voting sample questions during House of Delegates! Let the Circle K International convention (CKIx) and Key Club International convention recap begin! (at Grand Hyatt San Antonio)

[questurr]

"Ooo, I crane't believe it." Exact words from T-Pain, I promise. (at Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens)