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[quietobscurity]

I’ve woken myself up to the alarming and melancholy prospect of being in the final month of my twenties. I will never be able to get that time back and the idea of that is overwhelming.

I don’t know how to act differently this month, or if there’s anything I can do to make this easier for myself to live with, but the likelihood is that nothing will change between now and this time next month, and it will all be too late. This period of my life. Gone. Dust.

[quietobscurity]

Nothing really changes.

Maybe I have grown into myself but I still feel like an imposter and find it hard to remember to eat meals and take care of myself and the space I live in. I still live in the same flat with the same people and we all pass each other like ships, with nothing new to say but all feeling the same stuckness in life and in this city where nothing happens.

We all want to move on but don’t know how to make it happen.

I want my own place with my own furniture and pictures framed on the walls and without a single clothes airer in sight when I invite someone over. I just want to invite someone over. Into my life that belongs to me alone.

I don’t depend on anyone. I pay for my own things and don’t ask for help anymore. It feels good and medication has got me to this place where nothing feels overwhelming unless I focus on it too deeply. Everything passes by except my loneliness, which stays with me always and wants to be comforted.

But I am fine, really.

[quietobscurity]

I used to write here when I felt like I had nowhere else to go. I feel that now. Maybe I haven’t for a while or maybe I’ve been distracted. Whatever it is, I need to express something. It’s bleeding out of me. The loneliness is profound and sharp. The silence is so loud and the desperation to find something or someone to ease it results in failure and inactivity. I can’t change, I don’t know how to. I can’t find a better paying job, I have no professional skills. I quit my only viable career before it had begun. I have no desire to teach or to manage. Yet I want to one day afford my own house to be truly independent. I don’t want to remain in this living situation that feels like I’m still a student. I need to learn to drive but it terrifies me. I don’t want to be alone for ever but every week that passes feels closer to that reality. Some people do never find anyone to live their life alongside. Some people settle out of fear. I want to be somewhere in the middle. Why is it so hard to find a connection? To find love? I feel ready for it but the times I’ve tried have yielded rejection and I feel helpless.

[quietobscurity]

Everything is meaningless or meaningful and we’re all trying to find that meaning or make peace with the meaninglessness but it’s so hard. Every day it’s so hard. Every day I worry that I’m complaining too much- I have so much privilege and should get some perspective-but it doesn’t make the thoughts go away. I don’t know how to change. I feel myself ageing. I can see it in the mirror and it terrifies and comforts me. Life is a collection of contradictions. My twenties have been years of contradictions; ups, downs, steady days and dreadful ones and wasted ones. Treading water is the only way I can cope. But it doesn’t ever feel like living. When am I going to wake up?

[quietobscurity]

See a movie with me on valentine's?

I’m working🥲

[quietobscurity]

You are utterly stunning (especially your profile)

Very kind of you to say, thank you❤️

[artist-blake]

Jacob’s Ladder, 1806, William Blake

Medium: pencil,watercolor

https://www.wikiart.org/en/william-blake/jacob-s-ladder

[quietobscurity]

Your sister is still stunning but I literally can't believe that you're the hot one now

You say that as if you knew/know my sister?

[quietobscurity]

What’s up?

Life. I feel very hopeless. Nothing changes and I’ve been stuck here for years upon years and I’ve had enough, but I also just want to throw the towel in. I can’t pretend I want to change any more, I just don’t want to be at all.

Thanks for asking. X

[quietobscurity]

I don't log on here much anymore but I think we've been mutuals for year. I was scrolling and saw your post. Big, big fucking well done on graduating! Better things are coming. Keep going, you'll be grand. x

Aw thank you very much!

I’m kind of still lurking around here too because I’m too lonely to stop entirely :S

I hope so too, I extend the same wishes to you.

xxx

[quietobscurity]

How are you doing?

Not so well. Life is just strange at the minute isn’t it? I’m still struggling with the same problems as ever, except now they’re heightened because I’ve graduated and have to live in the real world. Where I’m expected to get a job and get on with things. And I don’t know how to do that, which is the current source of my existential dread and general unhappiness. It all doesn’t feel worth it, but you just have to hang on by a thread and take each day as it comes. I don’t like to think any farther forward than that. xx

[quietobscurity]

I'm really proud of you, and for the record I had no doubt you could do it. In future just remember that art is a process, and for some people self destruction is a part of that process. The art is more important than the soul, so don't be afraid to take some hits, even if they're from yourself. You don't have to be tortured, but you should learn to respect your process. It might help make you feel more at ease when you're lower. Keep writing; believe in your process; believe in yourself.

<3 <3

[quietobscurity]

Hey, I'm worried about you! What's in your brain? Also, I love you xxxxxxx

Other people are worried too. I don’t think I’m fine, but who is right now?

[quietobscurity]

You're a ten and every time i see an attractive girl I compare her to you

right

[quietobscurity]

You're literally a 10

One of my male friends said I was a 7

[quietobscurity]

Congratulations!! And you should take credit for your work, you don't get a first without being a clever cookie xx

Thank you! I do feel proud of myself today. This term was such a struggle for me mentally. But getting these results really gives me more faith in myself. I can do this and I am doing it!!!! xx

[quietobscurity]

Feelin cozy n beige🐌