Starfish

I want to drift beyond the stars

[quietriverrage]

Jumbled Inside

There's this ache I feel inside of me

Like the rage of a roaring sea

How could I be the one...

That shows you the way

When I don't even know the words to say.

I'm all jumbled inside

Moods like Jekyll and Hyde

Can you peel away the meaningless for me?

Carry out the mess and leave the dreams

I know we've walked this road before

But have we opened every door

I know I couldn't try it without you

It's not just something I couldn't do

Because you hold the key

To the greatest parts of me

I'm just all jumbled up inside

Moods like Jekyll and Hyde

Can you peel away the meaningless for me?

Carry out the mess and leave the dreams?

Let's tear away the mess and save the dream

I'll take your mess if you'll just dream with me

[quietriverrage]

Pages Within Me

You broke me in ways you didn't think you would

I flourished before your eyes when you didn't think I could

I drank from the fountain and found a way to break free

I am not giving up, I won't let you end me

These pages I have inside me

They yearn to be written

I am novels of adventures that you can't wash away

I will write every page, every chapter, with every day I wake and prove to you I cannot be bested

Oh, cancer, you fool, you thought I was the one being tested?

So long as there is air to breathe, I will shout to the heavens with all my might

I am not going anywhere, I won't lose this fight.

[quietriverrage]

Be the Beast That Roars

Tear me down

Rip me to shreds

I thought of a million ways this could go wrong

Long before you even made your way to me

This life we live, it isn't all it's cracked up to be

You think you're tough, untouchable, to be fought would be absurd?

You think you've flown, but have you even SEEN the flight of birds??

We are NOTHING in comparison to our animal brothers and sisters

This world is laughing at the human mistakes that haven't figured it out, yet

We could be living the dream if we would stop fighting each other...

We might have a chance if we ever learned to just love one another

Our strength isn't in our muscles, it's in our hearts

And with my capacity to love, I am going to be the beast that roars

Knock me down a million times, I will always get up and roar again

You can't stop what I was created to do.

So, tear me down, rip me to shreds.

I will always be the beast that roars

[quietriverrage]

One Day

I can feel my time running out like pages from a calendar being torn away

With every passing day I realize I'm losing what little I have left of this life

They'll call me a two time survivor of cancer, but in the end, it will be what shortened my days here

They've dubbed me a warrior for my battles but my fight from this bed doesn't feel so heroic

On days when all I feel like doing is crying I wonder how brave I am then

Or when all I want to do is sleep, I ponder, how strong am I now?

Dreaming about days when I used to get up and dance

Now I struggle to walk long distances without needing help...

I feel lost in my own body that doesn't remember how to be the way it used to be

Too weak to play the way I used to, too depleted to do the things I want to

I am a shadow of my former self with a smile painted on so no one can see how dead I already am inside

Alone with my thoughts for far too long

Alone day in and day out

Alone I sit and wait

I sit and wait

Wait for the day to inevitably come

When I won't have to wait anymore

One day I will finally see

One day the smile will be real and I will be set free

[quietriverrage]

No tears collected from the jaded

They dried out long ago in dreams now faded

We spin our memories desperate for any glimmer of hope to appear

But in our solitude we find ourselves ready to disappear

[quietriverrage]

Reclaiming Myself

I am not this moment in time

I cannot confine myself to these feelings inside that bind me to you

I admit I was once a prisoner of your design

Stumbling in a dream you created, living some fantasy

But the spell has worn off and I am not yours to keep

I vow to walk away no matter how much you say

"you are mine"

Release me from your grasp before I have to do it for you

Don't make this harder than this has to be

No matter how much I love you, too

Your passion became toxic

And your love has become a cage

I became silent to hide from your rage

So this is not an option, I'm not asking anymore

I'm done

I'm setting myself free

I am finally awake and I'm choosing what's best for me

[quietriverrage]

Dracula

I've been saving two cigarette butts you left behind because the smell reminds me of you

I've been listening to songs on repeat because the words once meant we could work things through

I'm still wiping away tears over vicious words you've thrown at me instead of trying to make it right...

I'm always going left unheard because all you care about is winning or spinning the fight

My mind is in a whirlwind over the beauty we once had being tainted by every tale you spin

My love, my soul, everything of me was yours if only you trusted me enough to let me in...

It's time for me to let you go, as I'm finally seeing you never truly wanted me to ever be your core

If you ever truly loved me, you never would have let me walk out that door

[quietriverrage]

In Time

An ache bellows through me...

Drifting within the hollows of my heart...

Consumed with agony and eternally severed

If I could allow myself to perish, I would without hesitation

I yearn to be free of this realm and all its maladies

Time is an illusion, but it forces itself upon us...

We are stuck in time...

Ticking like bombs...

When will we go off?

Pull the pin and let it be my turn...

My heart has erupted...

I am bleeding internally...

No one sees the damage within me...

I am broken...

No one sees...

No one...

No...

[quietriverrage]

Reeling

I want your presence to surround me...

Hold me, please...

Lovingly squeeeeze away these insecurities...

Give me a reason to believe the feelings

Stop me from reeling awaaaay...

I spent all daaay thinking of you again

It used to be just every now and then

But now you seem to be a constant

I can't shake you from my head...

Even if I try to think of something else instead

My brain just isn't interested...

If it ain't you, it just won't do...

So, hold me until this feeling is through...

Squeeze out these spells getting me dizzy from you...

I'm reeling but I hope that you'll stay...it's true...

It's really just this magical thing you do...

Making me fall in love with you...

[quietriverrage]

My Fault

What am I even holding onto?

The insults?

The way you hurt me?

The neglect?

Every way you made me feel small?

Every way you made me doubt myself?

The way your voice has become an oppressor in my mind?

"your personality takes up too much space"

"All your 'tisms are too much to bear"

"oh, there you go, getting triggered again"

Because having PTSD was my fault when you screamed...

And I was too emotional when I cried...

But an emotionless robot due to my autism...

I was a paradox, but one things for sure, according to you...

I was always wrong...

I was always wrong...

I was always so wrong...

What's wrong with me...

[quietriverrage]

Vulnerable

Is this love?

Or is this trauma?

I needed you...

Not the drama

Where was your comfort

When I was breaking before you?

I ripped my heart out before your eyes

To prove to you it beats

Never was my love true enough

Or my vulnerability ever seen

I'll forever ache for your embrace

To feel you beside me once more...

But the emptiness I felt when you showed me

That I could never be good enough for you

That's something I know that I can live without...

So if that means saying goodbye to us for good,

Then farewell, I'll bid ado to the dream I once cherished...

And hope for a new dream to carry me away some day...

[quietriverrage]

Train of Thoughts

Channel the pain...

You're spiraling

You feel insane

Why can't they see?

This is not the way...

Just make it stop...

End these thoughts...

That corrupts my flow of

Honest restraint...

I'm scared I might blow...

I'm not a saint...

What words might escape...

Afraid of these feelings...

The past has exposed...

Am I in danger of repeating?

Just get off this traaain...

Of thought, these railroads of memories

That choo choo to you

And leave me all bruised...

No, they say it's not worth the pain...

But I'd choo choo choose you anyways...

[quietriverrage]

Silence is Deadly

It's funny how quickly a random thought can snowball into a whole avalanche of worries...

This flurry of confusion running rampant through my mind convinced it's the gospel...

Silence must mean faded interest...

The time we shared wasn't proof of anything except how foolish I am to believe...

Happiness could be for me?

Silly little thing, that's not ever going to be within your reach...

Try as you might

Even if you stay on task...

The gifts that come with life are never within grasp

Stay in your lane and keep your head down

Everything will be over one day

Just...don't make a sound.

[quietriverrage]

Quiet On The Set

How is it that I crave lips I've never tasted...

I yearn for a long embrace I've yet to feel...

I'm racing to you with no second wasted

For I'm sensing there's truly something here that's real...

The atoms in me have all begun to quiver

You bring out a side in me I never knew

The idea of us gives me the most delightful shiver

How is it that you do this thing you do...?

Thinking of you brings an instant smile to my face

I find myself eager for every moment that we converse

My gut tells me you aren't someone I could ever replace

If this could be love growing on our stage, then, cariño...I'm ready to rehearse...

[quietriverrage]

Curiosity...

The way your mind works sways me

You're on my mind for days, you see

Can't complain because you amaze me

I wish your lips would just graze these...

Oof, the way you've got me crazy

I hope it's not just me...

I'd like to take a peek...

Oh, if it were possible, maybe I could sneak...

Ahh, no...

It's better off this way...left wondering if you do

The excitement of not knowing every time I talk to you

Hoping it could be possible, wishing it might come true...

Oh, maybe there's actually a chance... you're totally into me, too ❤️‍🔥

[quietriverrage]

There...

Somewhere in the multiverse, I'm sitting, waiting...

Counting down the minutes until you arrive to pick me up

As eager as ever, I gather my belongings humming lovingly to myself...

The thought of your scent infiltrating my airways soon has me on a high

I drift with every second that passes in a haze of daydreams carrying me to your door...

A fantasy where peace lives and we dance freely in our bliss...

But here, when sleepy eyes regain focus, the memory of our end seeps in

Shattering the lie only dreams could make true

It's only there that I was ever worth the fight...

Only there where I never had to let go of you.

[quietriverrage]

Getting Out

Like a grenade, you hurtled your deceit my way

Unaware of the damage about to be done

You sacrificed our love in a moment of anger and jealousy

Now we see the remnants of what could have been

Drifting away in the wind

These tears I cry over the death of a beautiful romance I once knew

Now it's through and though I may never get over you

I see the monster you could be

I'm getting out while I can

I'm running before the day the monster is me