Endgame: the Legacy of Who I Was
This will be the last thing I write on this particular tumblr. I’ve spent a day or two organizing my thoughts, and from where I’m sitting, this is about the sum of it.
I didn’t do a review of 2016 as I generally do for all years either here or on my Facebook. Last year from start to finish completely ran me through the works. This isn’t to say some good things didn’t come out of it, particularly towards the end. The biggest issue had already had the groundwork laid, but it wasn’t until this last year that it took root. I had started the internal struggle of finding the balance between taking care of myself and doing what I wanted and taking care of those I love. The problem with this thought is that it forces you to evaluate the people in your life, and sometimes you don’t always like what you figure out.
Part of the reason this tumblr has to end is because it represents a six year legacy of me rather thoroughly lost in trying to find myself. Every time I thought I had found it, the target moved. Every time I finally felt I was on the right path, shit had a tendency to fall apart. My security turned into paranoia and anger. My good intentions turned into an on/off drinking problem. Me believing I finally could rest easy with some people turned into a bed of nails. And 2016 was the absolute shit of it, starting (and largely containing) the shittiest break up of my life and ending with me taking a knife to the hand on Christmas Day. The irony of it is that the people who hurt me the most are ultimately who I owe some of the most thanks to, as they truly helped me burn away the brush and overgrowth on my mind that cleared a path to where I am now.
I’m not always happy, but no one is. I take my pockets of happy and content myself in the meantime on the wonder of what any new day brings. I’m no longer concerned about the future, though I welcome it with open arms, whatever it may bring. I’m no longer trying to plan or figure out next week, next year, rather I’m simply enjoying the world as it is meant to be enjoyed, one day at a time with amazing company. And despite my ill suited luck in the past, I really do have better friends and family that love me than my drab ass feels it deserves somedays, but I no longer question it, I simply thank the powers that be on a somewhat regular basis that I am cared for in the way I am.
I learned the hard way that the people who accuse everyone else of manipulating you are more often than not the one’s manipulating you, or trying to anyways. If the world is really that bitter and evil and people are really that shitty, it presents itself in time. I got good at figuring that shit out along the way, too.
What I ultimately had to accept is that people change. Some of what I was involved in in years past was under the very toxic and muffled vision that I was never going to change and that those I cared most for wouldn’t either. I was a fool, as were some of the people I was involved and associated with. Everyone changes, some more intensely than others. Part of the game is hoping that those you care most about will change in a way that plays nice with how you will change. My prayer that I hadn’t changed and one or two people in particular hadn’t either was the worst kind of pipe dream. It took me eleven months on one front to accept what was, that the change was not going to allow the situation to continue in anything of a healthy way, for either of us, and that is to both our faults. I make no apologies though, I fought for what I loved and for, at the time, the only future I saw.
I also know more than ever now that you never truly stop loving someone or something you truly loved. You learn to live without it, and you carry the scars and reminders with you, some as a lesson, some as a warning.
I lived too hard this year, and to some degree I paid for it along the way. I loved and I lost, and conversely lost and then loved. I like some of what I did and will continue doing it, and I hated myself for some of what I did and know better now.
If I learned nothing else in twelve months, it’s that I am allowed to choose myself, and I am allowed to live unapologetically for living how is best for me. It took me a few months, but I think I found the balance of doing for others while taking care of myself. I’m more secure now in who I am than I have been since before I started college. I am no longer free falling and hoping for the best. I am, at least for the moment, in control of who I am and where I am going. The wonder of what a solid support system, two appointments and the right kind of time alone can do, I tell you.
I harbor no ill will anymore. I’m not angry at anyone, nor do I wish less than happiness on anyone I know. Some of you hurt me, some of you fucking destroyed me and strung me along, or even worse took advantage of my giving nature, something that I will forgive but not forget. I will not begrudge those who have done wrong by me, but I will not allow myself to fall back into situations where I can be used and get hurt. I will no longer apologize for taking care of myself, and if that means keeping people at an arm’s length (if not on the other side of a wall), so be it. I know what’s best for me, and I’m allowing me to trust myself, something I felt unable to do for years. It’s a nice throwback. I’m no god on earth, but I am fucking fantastic, and I am goddamned good to people. And it feels really good to say that, even better to really believe it.
I guess in closing all I really want to say is take care of yourselves. Some of you that will read this I’m close with, some of you I’ll never be close with again. Then again, you make plans and God laughs, but I’m taking the morning line on this one, at least for now. Just please, to all of my friends, readers, passive likers, those I know in real life, those I’ll never meet, to my loved ones and former lovers, please be good to yourselves. Allow kindness and love. Take a risk sometimes. Ultimately, choose yourself. No one is worth losing you over.
My love goes with you all, and my best wishes that wherever we may meet, the beer be cold and the stories be worth laughing at.
Quills and Thrills, 4:27 PM, January 5th, 2017
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