As I Hold You (Tsukiyama/Haise)
Brushing the hair from your face, I can see the eyes of the one who Iâd once been so enamored with. My mind swirls with the memories of the one-eyed ghoul, Kaneki Ken, who youâve replaced. And as I lean in to kiss your lips, I canât help but wonder if heâs still in there, and if he still loves me. But you are not Ken, and you will never be Ken, and that is alright, I have found happiness with you as well. Iâm bound to have fond recollections of the past, I think, stroking your cheek and smiling as I press our foreheads together. What a lovely feeling, to be in love, even if the one I hold so dear shares the body of another I held so close to myself. These memories wonât leave, but theyâre not a pain, because I have loved both of you, and slowly, I am getting over my love for Kaneki. I want to be completely devoted to the man before me, I want only to love Haise Sasaki.
You have your own feeling, and maybe thatâs what I like most. Maybe I like that even if you have the same body, you feel unique. Your muscles have never been so pronounced, and I can tell you use drug store shampoo, but your hair feels softer than I remember, and it smells sweet. Très bien. I can feel scars on your back, deep scars from the use of your kagune. You should try not using it so much, Sasaki, you have a quinque, and all these drugs theyâre pumping you full of make it harder on your body to use your kagune. Iâll bring it up to you later, right now, Iâll just hold you close. You're already settled into my lap, and you're watching something on the tv. Iâm not sure what channel you picked, but Iâm not sure it matters to me. I am in love with the man sitting in my lap, giving you idle kisses to your neck, smiling against it. Itâs odd, the way I can tell when youâre smiling, even when I canât see it. As I kiss the spot you declared âticklishâ I can hear you laugh a small bit, and it makes my heart flutter.
You are mine. Amour de ma vie. But you are free to leave when you please, free to tell me to leave your home, and free to tell me to never come back. But you wonât, because I know you feel the same as I do. So I sit, kissing up your jawline, before moving to give a peck to your cheek. My arms have been around your waist for a while now, and the program you were watching is almost over. I wonder if weâll sleep on the couch tonight. Or maybe weâll sleep in your room. Either way, youâll get picked at in the morning by your children, and youâll laugh. Youâre so cute in the morning, the way you stretch, with your hair all in a mess, and your eyes looking tired, with a sleepy smile plastered on your face as you let out a groggy yawn. C'est magnifique. I canât wait to see it.