Rabble Dabble

mental health hiatus: ONGOING since 6/14

[rabble-dabble]

[yellow-cat]

hey sorry for being so snappish earlier i was in a bad mood. and im still in a bad mood so can you fuck off

[lakevida]

walking around the dashboard at four in the morning stepping on all the creaking posts loud as fuck

[technofinch]

I have GOT to stop spending $30

[kosmogrl]

[glowingghosty]

[officialpenisenvy]

powerscaling son: your dad couldn't take on MY dad

shipping daughter: couldn't he........

[fuck-customers]

[sailermoon]

having unwashed hair will have you believing shit like i can’t be saved

[tourdion]

classic post rant quora phrase

[rabble-dabble]

Bury me in every colour

And wrap my body in a million fabric ribbons

Lay every wildflower in my hair

And press a love note to my lips

Have me not in a church

And with no funeral service

Grieve me not with black attire

But rather with dancing and food and smiles

Make my gravestone a thousand planted seeds

And invite even the invasive weeds

Let any nature take its claim

Over my fragile unmarked grave

Do not lay me in pristine cut dirt

Or within a rotting encased prison

Do not dress me in a suit

Only as if I may awake from sleep later

Bury me not in a graveyard

Surrounded by metal and stone names

Lay me where the wildflowers bloom

And the sun can warm over my dirt grave

[boozehund-blog]

ppl who celebrate fictional character birthdays are annoying pass it on

[wolfprud3-deactivated20170620]

FUCK this post and happy birthday sonic

[mellow-elbow]

[bintro]

is anyone else their father’s female son

[rabble-dabble]

she went in the early morning. "the wave returns to the ocean" - or so it goes. the whole family was there for hours, but it was her daughter who laid beside her as she went. the one she accused of hurting her and being scared of. she wasnt in her right mind. could she hear us? did she hear my goodbye? "goodnight, grandma. love you. night, mom, ill see you tomorrow." tomorrow comes; she has gone before the sun has risen.

i will have to bury my mother some day. but will i even be there? "you cant not speak with your mother forever." but my will is my strength - i deserve better. is that enough to push aside the moments ill miss? i dont want her in them. will she ask for me, on the bedside, or will she accuse me of the same delusions my fathers mother did? will i be the daughter laying by her side as she goes? the one who dealt with her accussing and screaming and stubborness? i dont want her at my college gradutation, my wedding, my childrens birth. does she want me at her bedside? at her death? at her funeral? would knowing change the answer at all?

i hate they prayed above her bedside when she wasn't ready to go. "she realized and got upset." the last prayer - for her? or for you? selfishness is human, but the greed of pain is sickening. i was religious, once - i clasped my hands in the thirteen hours we were at the hospital and asked, "if you truly love your children, take her before she gets worse. please. please." she wasnt ready in mind, but she needed to go. is that greedy of me to ask? i was so tired, her daughter was so tired. every month was an appointment, a battle of brain and delusion. i am angry because where was her sons? her uncles, her brothers, her grandsons? they were never at appointments. never there at her bedside. i am angry she died. i am angry she was in pain, that she suffered. i am angry at myself for being so callous, so tired. i am relieved she is gone. does that make me evil? or does it make me human?

i dont feel her spirit or her presence. i dont feel her in my heart or in my home. she is gone - someplace else. we are all stardust, electricity in mushy rocks. she will be creamated. the dust settles from the stone, tiny, immaculate. she was here, she is gone. tomorrow comes. its afternoon now.

[rabble-dabble]

update?

being alive is hard.

if you saw my clusterfuck before i stopped posting, yeah, i was mentally going off the deep end. ill be honest: i was hurting myself and contemplating suicide.

i was going to commit suicide. i have since been hospitalized and taking on heavy therapy since release.

its hard to say this, and even harder to know i hurt quite a few people trying to do what i did. i'll be even more honest: i was struggling and still am. i've been existing since my release, not alive, and i've taken time off online and drawing to try and...relieve some of the pressure i've had on me for a year or so. i was struggling with work, school, and my online presence, and my familial relationships and friendly ones were struggling and hurting too. i felt alone, and i still feel kinda lonely. i struggle communicating when i am struggling, and it all got...too much.

with that said, i am taking a hiatus from art for this blog for a while. i'm sorry if you followed me for johnkat, sonadow, whatever, etc. temmie has taken over the johnkat discord, which i feel is appropriate even if it was done under terrible terms. im also gonna put a pause on art asks and writing, and will focus on my mental health until i feel prepared to take up running this blog with enthusiasm like i used to. thats what i at least owe to myself, especially with running the blog for so long.

thank you if you read this.

[my-dailydreams]

[rabble-dabble]

hey im alive

[rabble-dabble]

I forgot to mention it on time because I was really busy but January 19th was my birthday. I'm 24 now.

Sorry i missed it. Also sorry for missing future birthdays. You were fun ^u^ love you