How to Be a(n) > @rachelsimonejames - Tumblr Blog

“… and being highly conscious of having once again done a nasty thing that day, and again that what had been done could in no way be undone, and I would gnaw, gnaw at myself with my teeth, inwardly, secretly, tear and suck at myself until the bitterness finally turned into some shameful, accursed sweetness, and finally – into a decided, serious pleasure! Yes, a pleasure, a pleasure! I stand upon it. The reason I’ve begun to speak is that I keep wanting to find out for certain: do other people have such pleasures? I’ll explain to you: the pleasure here lay precisely in the too vivid consciousness of one’s own humiliation; in feeling that one had reached the ultimate wall; that, bad as it is, it cannot be otherwise; that there is no way out for you, that you will never change into a different person; that even if you had enough time and faith left to change yourself into something different, you probably would not wish to change; and even if you did wish it, you would still not do anything, because in fact there is perhaps nothing to change into. And chiefly, and finally, all this occurs according to the normal and basic laws of heightened consciousness and inertia that follows directly from these laws, and consequently there is not only nothing you can do to change yourself, but there is simply nothing to do at all.” (Dostoevsky)

also

"I once had an interesting experience with a tree." (Iasos)

"Raise the flowing bowl, Pay the toll.

Sail for blows and slaughters, Sail to win the booty.

Sail to quench our thirst, Sail to death first."

on the magic of eleven year old girls.

and: tragedy. This world.

and: becoming a woman.

and: unpopped corn.

or: cherry ripe.

and: Oh, violence.

and: Oh, violence disguised as joy.

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First Lines in Sing, Girls, Sing!

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Chicago, 1947

Three-part treble choruses.

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Have you seen but a white lily grow

before rude hands have touch'd it?

My Goddess Celia, heav'n-ly fair,

As lilies sweet, so soft as air, Let loose

thy tresses and spread thy charms,

Thy courts are wondrous fair; My long-ing soul, my fainting heart

cry out for shelter there.

They tell their passion in their words. Must I alone, must I alone,

be mute?

Thou art my past, my present and my future;

The night wind sighs, Out vessel flies across the dark lagoon.

The city sleeps An well she keeps her watch the gentle moon,

For with her light, She guides our flight Across the silver sea.

We are alone.

The pale moon was ris-ing above the green mountain,

The sun was declining beneath the blue sea When I strayed with my love

to the pure crystal fountain.

Cher-ry ripe, cher-ry ripe, ripe I cry; Full and fair ones, come and buy.

She cries, "no!" then cries "hush!" Then looks down with a blush.

"Someday," he said, "these love-ly buds will make a blood-red crown for Me."

Sing, Girls, Sing!

Grandma was born with severe rickets. Bubbe Razel put her waist-high in cow manure and left her there for three days. She said it cured her.

Six years later they boarded the ship from Russia to New York. Esther Levitsky, her four siblings, Bubbe Razel, Zayde Solomon and two uncles lived in a one-bedroom tenement apartment on Hopkinson Avenue. Sunset Park in 1912, not far from the river.

After eleven years in Brooklyn as Esther, Grandma chose her own name, Trilby, from Svengali. The diva. The Diva. Enslaved to the power-hungry hypnotist. But in the end, Trilby chooses freedom over fame.

“I’m the last rose of summer,” Grandma used to tell me. "Everything changes, my dear, in one’s mind. Each day is not the same when you get to my age. What happened then and what you think now, each day it’s different.”

"Perhaps such secrets, the secrets of everyone, were only expressed when the person laboriously dragged them into the light of the world, imposed them on the world, and made them a part of the world's experience. Without this effort, the secret place was merely a dungeon in which the person perished; without this effort, indeed, the entire world would be an uninhabitable darkness; and she saw, with a dreadful reluctance, why this effort was so rare."

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James Bladwin

Another Country, 1960

Instruction VI

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How to Not Be in a Shell With Un-Orderly Speech, by Maris Goldmanis

______

One: how to not be how to not be shy. Of course the first one is to [ ______ ] inside yourself.

RSJ: Wait, you changed it to how to not be shy.

Okay, okay. Oh yes. Because I am. Well here’s the thing. I am not really [ ______ ] speech. Because I say things [ ______ ] .

RSJ: You are not what in speech?

I am not [ ______ ] in speech.

RSJ: You are not totally in speech?

No my speech is not [ ______ ] !

RSJ: Totally?

Not orderly. Orderly.

RSJ: Not orderly!

Because I speak with a [ ______ ] a little bit un-orderly. It is always mixed up. Because the thing is, the point is the same, but the order is different. That’s the thing. But of course I will try.

RSJ: So maybe: how to not be in a shell with un-orderly speech.

How not to be in a shell with. How not to be. How not to be in a shell. With. With. Un-orderly speech.

The first thing is: understand why this is happening. [ ______ ] to be yourself, to understand yourself. The other thing, I would say, is to really not give a damn. Because if you are worried about this too much, it won’t change. It will [ ______ ] be more and more. It is a [ ______ ] this thing.

To manage this thing. To understand that this is part of you. So people will laugh. People won’t understand. But go anyway. Because it is, because sitting at home [ ______ ] speaking with yourself very clearly. But for you to understand yourself, to [ ______ ] you go anyway. Because without doing anything, you will be lost. For me it is an action. Passivity is the most killing thing for people, for a man. The passivity, the [ ______ ] kills people. Slowly, but kills people.

The number three: number three is a very tricky thing for me, for most people. To not be angry when people do not understand you. That’s very important. To understand that [ ______ ] may not understand you. It is quite a thing for people to not understand you. You must accept it. You must accept this thing. Because sometimes, sometimes I speak very clearly. Very clearly like a god. But sometimes you speak like a son of a gun.

This you must understand. First thing, most important thing is to live with it. Maybe find some very [ ______ ] to [ ______ ] . It is very important. Yes.

You first noticed this thing because of your microphone right now at my mouth. I am now worried about what I say. But you know if this microphone was away, I would speak more clearly. More freely.

This other thing. The voice. Like a freedom to speak. It is really important. It is really complicated.

Yes. You understand.

#sdc2014

How to Be a(n) <<#$> performance I, Helsinki, Finland

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How to Not Be in a Shell With Un-Orderly Speech, by Maris Goldmanis

Photos: Teemu Välkkynen