[homoprince]

Beyoncé: *purchases new laptop and uses it for the first time*

The FBI Agent that’s assigned to her:

[disneydailly]

[ruinedchildhood]

[writing-prompt-s]

You’re a regular office worker born with the ability to “see” how dangerous a person is with a number scale of 1-10 above their heads. A toddler would be a 1, while a skilled soldier with a firearm may score a 7. Today, you notice the reserved new guy at the office measures a 10.

[captain-acab]

You decide it’s best to find out what you can about this person. Cautiously, you approach his desk. He’s a handsome man, tall, but with a disarming smile. How could such a friendly guy with such cute, dorky glasses be dangerous?

You extend your hand. “I noticed you’re new here. What’s your name?”

He shakes your hand warmly. His gaze is piercing, as if he’s looking right through you. “The name’s Clark,” he says. “So, how long have you worked for the Daily Planet?”

[misscrazyfangirl321]

This one wins.

[janothar]

It’s been a few weeks, and one of Clark’s friends shows up.  She’s pretty and all, enough muscle that she must work out.  First thought would be that she should be maybe a 6.

Clark’s introducing her around.  “This is my good friend, Diana, she’s in from out of town.”

You blink, and take a step back in fear.  You’ve never seen an 11 before.

[radioactivepeasant]

IT GOT BETTER

[glumshoe]

You wake in the night with your arm hanging over the side of your bed. It is still dark, and your bedroom is shrouded in deep shadow. Something unseen seizes your hand.

You grasp it tightly, knowing that first impressions are important and a firm, confident handshake will establish dominance.

[meryl-streep]

[realkaijuhavecurves]

So I made a compilation of my favourite semi-overlooked vines, enjoy

[just-shower-thoughts]

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs.

[reaper-0-1]

Who the fuck wrote this

[sopranokirstin]

[dragmetohellmama]

Milk: is she gonna jump from there?

Aja:

[e-wifey-deactivated20201128]

GIMME U FACKIN MANEY

[latexalaska-deactivated20180428]

[momoeyamaguchi-deactivated20180]

View this post on Instagram

[darylfranz]

[blwr-deactivated20170722]

which fat frog are you today

[metallee-oldblog]

[mjalti]

why come they called him “beast” in the castle when everyone knew his name cuz they’d been working for him forever anyway? like …. i would just be like “hey chewbacca-Adam” or some shit, there’s no reason to call him beast … id hide in my room all day too if my employees started making fun of me..

[teaboot]

If my manager decided to pull some rude ass shit with a witch and got me living the next ten years of my life as an immortal singing toaster oven you can bet your ass I’d wake him up every goddamn morning with a flaming panini directly to the face. rise and shine, you ugly fuck, time hear a song

[teaboot]

I call this one, “ode to an inconsiderate pissbaby” and the first 9 verses are just me screaming at various decibels

[jeremyagable]