radz

kavi ko rona bohot jaldi ata hai :') I'm js ranting

[radhikaaaa]

They say when you are chaotic, you need a calm friend in your life. But who listens to what they say? xd

Thus, I believe to have acquired a friend with the loudest laughs, weirdest thoughts, tightest hugs and the one I can lean on with no doubts. She, turns out to be more than a friend, to be flirtatious- she ma wife, to be real- my comfort space. With who I can share my thoughts and they won't be put in a forth to be judged and analyzed, rather be accepted and embraced. She's many things to me- mother who cares, friend who trusts, sister that fights and..(mommy? hehe :p )

It's the way even in our anger and arguments at the end of the day we're still friends. We still love and care and trust and stay. Its the way you hug me when I cry and the way at times you make sure i don't cry. Its the way you baby me the most, it's the way we "khikhikhi" through the day, its the way every sentence turns into a pickup line, its the way we disagree and fight, and it's the way we still leave pecks on each others cheeks. And thats just the way we love each other.

As well as the joy I get clicking your pictures can't be matched. The perfect meme, the most beautiful halo, the prettiest smile - I want all of it captured and allowed to leave me confused of which picture should I delete and end up keeping all of them as it is. Trust me, randomly scrolling through those photos bring a smile on my face, but don't ask why I didn't text.. ehm ehm

Anywahh

You have many things that I admire. How you see the world, how talented you are, how bold decisions you make, and how could anyone ever create something this prettier. I can't ever stop admiring all those qualities of yours and how proud that make me of you.

You might be crazy and loud and a bitch (rather you know you are hehe) but that's how I want you always - crazy, loud, a bitch and my dearest friend. And through all the disasters and disagreements, I promise to have our friendship in our heart and be there, always <3

Don't think I love you any less dummy, I looovveee youuu as much as the loving extents I hold. Hope you get all the happiness in the universe, hope your overthinking n your sadness leaves you far far alone, hope that our chaos makes more n more people mad, and all your silly dreams come true and you get a boyfriend hehe lots of love <<333

[artacester]

The objectively funniest thing about dps is how they just turn the camera to Perry whenever they talk about not living. like.

"One day you are going to-" SWITCH CAMERA TO PERRY "Stop breathing, turn cold and di-" switch back to Mr Keating. like. real subtle foreshadowing. yeah

Again. Todd's here too (#Anderperry or smth idk) but. Guy says he's going to kill himself. and instead of looking at the guy. Cameras conveniently just go 'okay but how does Perry react to this' like okay man.

[radhikaaaa]

It's 4:30 am | I can't sleep.

Why? I don't know. So may thoughts in my mind. Can I sort them? No. Questions Questions Questions I have answer to any? I don't know. Simply unexplainable, how the quiet and dark numbs the brain yet it doesn't rest. It's going on n on n on with all the memories I don't wish to remember and all the tasks I need to do tomorrow but still it's blank. Blank like a void. Is this what they call peace? I dont know.

Laying down, watching the ceiling. It suddenly feels indifferent. Did I notice it before? Not notice how it's a bit slanted? Not notice that annoying voice of the clock? Not notice that one dog barking? Not notice the silent aeroplane cutting through the air? Not notice the rumbling of the dry leaves by wind or a mouse, perhaps? Not notice those crickets right outside my window? Not notice how weird my heart beats? What thoughts do I get lost in that I never notice these things and miss out on the quiet time of the world by dwelling in that chaotic mind of my own. Questions Questions Questions. Again so many questions, but now I'm there, in the moment, present. Can I now find the answers? I don't know.

[radhikaaaa]

I love her.

I love her so much that I can't explain why and how and for what. Because even I never thought about them. HER was enough of a reason to love her.

She is my friend. Someone I know only from past a year but I won't lie she feels closer to me than anyone. With her I'm nothing different, not trying to be anything good or bad or nice, I'm just me. I speak what I want and do what I want and there she is- gets me without an explanation. But how selfish of me to only love her for how she makes me feel comfortable and at home.

Well, who said I just loved her for that? I love her for all the kindness she has filled within. I love her for her thoughts and heart. For her smile and eyes. For her words and actions. I love her for all she is as a human and that is so precious to me. What ever she has gone through, she has come out strong and bold, but the little child still rests within.

And when today she let out the words "you are the first person I'm telling this to" I felt both happy and sad. Happy for the fact she see as a trustworthy person, someone close to her she didn't felt the hesitation to vent, didn't felt the need to hide. Yet, sad for the fact I had to be the first and till today she met no one who she could share her feelings or situations to and had to carry all of them alone.

She is someone I look up to. I hope my dear friend you live a happy, healthy and satisfied life. You get everything thing doubled than you give. Let life give us lots n lots of chances to be with each other on lazy Tuesday mornings and late midnight snack session. Lots of getting ready together and so many films to make, just the way we promised! :)

And so bestieee i hope till the day we die, people keep getting confused between us:) I loveyouuu soo muchhh twinn<3333333

[amikhush]

pagal ho chuki hu

[radhikaaaa]

Real.

[radhikaaaa]

Is it that much of a crime to expect?

Me, as a person, who thinks pretending to be detached, would make me detached, is quite a stupid thing to practice. Because I want to understand that you are busy, you can't cut out time for me, you have other friends- you call just as special as you call me. I want to understand that you were late because of traffic and not because you probably forgot you had to meet me. I want to understand that, it's me who always makes plans because you have a packed schedule, and it's fine.

But that little angry, attached, clingy child in me makes me lash out the moment I hear these words. Why can't I expect you to be there on my birthday just the way you were at your other friends? Wasn't I closer to you than them? Or is it that I aint a worthy enough person for you to have your time alloted for me [Time for me, because YOU want to, not because I asked you]

Forgive me for being this type of a friend, but all I want is to just know I still hold that one little corner in your heart. Do I? Do I not? Promise, I'll become a person who understands, accepts and stays detached, I'm practicing I promise. But, your time is all I expect.

Why do I keep hearing the 'don't expect from people'? I believe it's pure nonsense. Who doesn't expect? We all expect. Expect from each other's, from strangers to act good. We expect children to be disciplined, we expect elders to be hard-working. We expect partners to be loyal, and expect friends to present.

Why not expect? Why not attach? How is love (any kind) even valid if you aren't attached? Isn't that being apathetic? And here I, again enter the character of being me, being filled with questions but just one wish from anybody or anyone who ever loves me, give me the time I deserve, please give me your time.

[radhikaaaa]

And after all those rom-coms I forget men like the ones in the films don't exist.

The time dosent stop, there aren't any violins playing in the background and he won't always end up being THE ONE. And I hate to ever come out of the little bubble, my little world where I am living just as perfect as any other beautiful girl. I'm happy and I have a man who is there for me like every men in the films.

I have expectations, I do but from myself. I believe I'm never good enough for any guy (Ofc I aint good) but don't I even deserve a chance? I might overcome my dreams of having the guy from screens, but then could I have someone for me? Just me? Some one solely mine to have. It aint easy? I know it quite well but this silly mind of mine never tries finding the courage to hold itself, hold myself together.

Somewhat my heart always ends giving up the effort to collect myself, join in my own peices, be my own reason to smile, my own hope and friend and love; yet here I am, begging the universe to have someone else to be there as a solution to my own life. How weak of me. How selfish of me. Yes, selfish. Selfish to want someone else to carry my burdens, someone else to constantly be there to listen to me talk, someone else to hold my hand and walk me across problems.

But isn't this what the guy in the film does? Am I selfish? Or weak? Or, for not getting any guy, am I ugly? What am I, that would make people choose me? What will I ever become, for me to be worth someones time to pursue?

Such thoughts make me doubt, I'd disappoint myself more than anybody. The expectations I've set for myself and the waste of potential, I'm practicing currently, makes me so unsure that firstly, I might never get the man from the films. Secondly, I'd never become the girl from the films.

[delicatetrashdelusion]

[radhikaaaa]

The rage that develops in me, everytime I hear some girl say that she wants ger future partner to be like her dad. Why is this enraging or perhaps, I just envy how she can manifest that sentence.

For me, I wouldn't in my dreams ever want my partner to be like him, the man- who ruined my mother's, sisters and my life.

Why would he act in such a manner? Why would he say those words? Didn't he ever think about the young smiling girl he married to, who is now reduced to just a machine that comes home from work with a single question, "what do I cook today?"

Did he never think of us? The way tears build up in our eyes everytime he raises his voice? Weren't those tears enough to make you realize you were hurting us?

So many questions on my mind, I can't think straight. I sit in a quite room, blaming the universe to ever make my mother meet him. Blaming the universe to suppress her dreams and potential under a man's ego, selfishness, and frustration- towards his life and his own ugly self.

And would I be crazy to ever ask for such a man as my partner. But the envy envelopes me. Did I not deserve having a father who will set the standard, who will treat me like his little princess? What did I do bad to deserve this monster in the house, obliged to call him father?

So many questions and I hate him I hate him I hate him, chants everytime he's in front of my eyes. Anything I'd want in a partner, but a reflection of my father.

[radhikaaaa]

What would I be without all the love in me?

The love I have for the abandoned, the love I have for the betrayed, the love I have for the wronged, the bad, the ugly, and love for everyone who deserves it, perhaps, even for those who don't.

But why isn't this love enough to love myself?

Why do I look in the mirror and find a stranger in it with hate filled eyes darted towards me and every gaze feels like a threat to my happiness? Is my love only to make other feel the warmth of a mother's embrace while I'm left behind with cold hands?

Even the love in me gets heavy to carry sometimes.

I don't want to empathize with the person who didn't once think about my feelings, but would I ever be able to hate anyone? is a question arised. My heart gets heavy hiding peoples mistakes, betrayals, sharp-edged words; hiding it from the mind, I fear might end up with hate against everyone, everyone who deserves it, perhaps, even for those who don't deserve it.

[radhikaaaa]

All that remains of me,

is just flesh and rotting bones.

Shackles weighing me down to the ground

as I sit in an abandoned cage.

Botflies devouring my cover,

inside which sits my heart, soundly asleep.

Tied up, it never beats;

for if set free, it'll run to you.

Breaking promises of never returning to your sight,

crossing oceans and deserts, it'll run to you.

My selfish heart, apathetic to the world, in some way trying to reach you.

Yet, sorrow bleeds as the dream endures - neglected and gradually demolished.

But fragments of hope have survived untouched,

Once O Destiny! Set my heart free, let it run to you

[radhikaaaa]

The final act, last scene is over. The actors exit the stage and leave their character behind. Leave behind the chaos, the drama, the cries, the laughs, the Love.

The actors return back to who they were but..But the play they performed, it's beauty never leaves their mind. Every scene and every dailouge they still remember by heart but again useless to as they can't get back on stage. The music still playing in their head as they remove the makeup, back to original digesting the fact the music slowly fades, it's the last stanza playing and you can't do nothing but let go of it.

And the actors leave the theatre, part ways but perhaps the characters remain loyal and so in love. And maybe their story will be performed again on some other stage and maybe this time end with a "..and they lived happily ever after."

[radhikaaaa]

And once again I sit at my desk, wondering what should I write.

The words spiral around my brain and ideas sit, patiently awaiting their chance to be out. But what's wrong with me? How can I be so full of everything yet nothing? Does every thought in my mind has to go through criteria to be put down on paper and not its mere existence be enough? Why discriminate with letters? Whether they tightly hug you or tenderly rip you apart, don't they all deserve to breathe, seek the sun?

Yet, I sit still. The constant clicking of pen filling the silent room. Even today, not many could make it on paper, most died in the brain.

[radhikaaaa]

I was his home, he said.

Is it that easy to move out?

To pack everything and wave goodbye.

But careless as you always are,

You left behind your cologne.

And now I've sprayed it all over the house,

feeling you again, this time a little longer

But it’s ending.

The liquid gently escapes into thin air,

The smell's leaving, and I've shut the windows.

'I couldn't stop you, I need to stop your scent,' I say to myself.

But it's yours after all,

It also had to fade, little by little.

Wasn't I your home? I whisper.

Yet I open the door.

Keep it open for your visits someday.

And after your visit, I hope,

like how careless you always are,

you leave behind your cologne.

-Radhika

[radhikaaaa]

Have you ever sat in a library reading forbidden books after the dark and see a man sneaking in the library, wet and breathing hard and then you realize he looks like one of the characters of the book you were just reading? I have not and I'm sad about it!

[sweet-child-of-night]

my personality constantly switches between a pretentious literature professor and a wise illiterate idiot, there is no in between.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

– reasons why i write // ehnigma

[radhikaaaa]

Writing is healing. Healing of souls so in misery. Healing of hearts, brutally shattered. Healing of devastated minds.

Writing is healing.