MAMA, I'M COMING HOME.

SAMUEL EVANS. 19. ASST. COACH. This is who I am and I make no apologies. There's a ton of different ways you could know me from. I was a delivery boy for Pizza Station in Ohio, a stripper named White Chocolate at Stallionz in Kentucky, a model for Treasure Trailz in New York (you might've totally seen my abs on a bus), and now I'm back in Lima as the Assistant Coach of the McKinley Titans. You might even remember me from when I was a student here because I do some of the best impressions. Let me know if you want to hear any, if you have any questions, or if you just want to talk. I'm a pretty cool dude who likes comics, Cool Ranch Doritios, zombies, playing the guitar, and my boyfriend, the french legend, Sebastian Smythe.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: Good. You looked very fuckable on Skype last night so I don't intend on missing out.

SAM: You need to hurry up and get here.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: You have a floor. And walls. I am not waiting for you to redecorate.

SAM: ...

SAM: Yeah, okay. Both doable.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: That's unfortunate. You know how much I like it when you give me attitude.

SAM: WELL. We can't even do anything until I get new furniture BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TAINTED.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: But it's so much fun freaking you out.

SAM: IS IT??

SAM: Because the more we talk about his sex life I think yours is disappearing.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: What about tables? Do you think Blaine's the adventurous type or did Kurt make him boring and Dave had to deal?

SAM: Tables too. And I'm cleaning like, everything. NOW LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT WHERE BLAINE MIGHT HAVE HAD SEX IN THIS APARTMENT.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: Do you really want him to rattle off his sexploits?

SAM: YOU CAN'T SEE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT I'M HORRIFIED. Maybe just the bed and the couch.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: ...we are going bed shopping as soon as I get there.

SAM: DEAL.

SAM: Now I'm wondering if I should text Blaine to find out how much furniture needs replacing.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: You wouldn't last thirty seconds.

SEBASTIAN: In fact, you'll open the door before I can even knock.

SEBASTIAN: There's no way I'd miss out on helping you break in the place. I can only hope you didn't inherit whatever bed they defiled.

SAM: I would definitely last thirty seconds!

SAM: Shut up. Only so I can CLOSE IT IN YOUR FACE.

SAM: That doesn't surprise me at all. And omg...

SAM: I NEED A NEW BED ASAP.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: It'll be two. Max.

SEBASTIAN: You've waited all week for me. Five minutes would push you over the edge.

SAM: THREE.

SAM: I think I could wait three more minutes. Maybe.

SAM: So you're totally coming here then? I can't wait for you to see it. Some of Blaine and Dave's stuff is still here, but I've had time to Sam it out a little bit.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: You have NO idea how excited I am for you to be a real grown up instead of living like some poor exchange student.

SAM: WOW.

SAM: IT'S TRUE, BUT WOW.

SAM: My door is staying locked.

SAM: For like five minutes.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

TEXT ✉ SEBASTIAN ⇄ SAM

SEBASTIAN: So are you seeing that insanely attractive boyfriend of yours this weekend or what?

SAM: I don't know... are you coming to see your impossibly awesome boyfriend this weekend in his new incredible apartment?

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

So... that happened. [PRIVATE]

[and-dont-ever-look-back-blog]

Hand holding and everything? Looks like you’ve tamed the beast, but in his defense, I thought for sure there was going to be permanent nerve damage just from sitting in the waiting room. That’s good, glad to know there were no lasting effects on either of you. Enjoy it. Would it make me a monster to use certain words next time I see you too? Something about the tables turning seems so rewarding right now, Sam. 

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

Hand holding and everything. Does that mean I’m Beauty? IT WASN’T THAT HARD, SHUT UP. I will. What do you mean? Oh nope, no. Don’t even think about it, Blaine.

[shotofsnix]

I thought I was all vacationed out, but then my dad’s side of the family invited me down to the place old people go to die. Florida isn’t anything special, but a beach house in the Keys for spring break? Perfecto.

Now I’m pretty sure I missed some kind of blow out, and if I wasn’t so relaxed right now, I would hope someone lost their shit and punched someone else in the face.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

Dude, Santana, that’s awesome. How’d things go? No punches here, but what about there?

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

Had an awesome weekend. [PRIVATE]

[royalguardfinn]

Good thinking. And those spy glasses are still cool and useful, no matter what. Did he? In a way that sucks, but honestly… that shows that he’s actually committed to your relationship at the same time, Sam. It sounds like you’re better equipped to deal with anything else if there is more, although I’m hoping there’s not, obviously. Hmm… guess you can’t really rule anything out completely yet.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

Definitely. Yeah, he really cares. So only like, a little suckage. I know, which is great to know to be honest. I hope not, but we’ll see. I said that the last time and looked what happened. I’m trying not to.

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

I’m going back to sleep.

[shotofsnix]

What did I miss?

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

Oh you know, Glee Club shenanigans.

Nothing’s changed, except for the glasses. I don’t think they’ve picked up anything yet, but I’ll check the footage out this weekend.

[afunnyberry]

Listen up, New Directions:

I know that everyone is already exhausted and ready for this intense couple of weeks of Booty Camp to be done, but we have no choice. Our entire future together as a club rides on the upcoming competition - and I know that I, for one, don’t want to lose the New Directions anymore than I believe any of you want to.  So far, you have all risen up to the challenge; your work ethic is impeccable and you’re doing so well. I know I said it after rehearsal today, but it’s only been two days and we can already see such an improvement. I promise you all, this is going to be worth it - every single one of you is making a difference in not only your future, but the future of McKinley as a whole.  We are fortunate enough to have been squeezed into the last Sectionals competition at all. The timing of our program has been out of sync with the rest of the show choir world since the beginning, with Regionals already starting up across the country. We’re going to have a very limited time frame between our (inevitable) win at Sectionals and our chance to perform at Regionals, and all the work we’re putting in now will only help us transition easier.  For anyone who feels they need a little extra work, I’ve rented us the auditorium on Saturday. It’s not a mandatory rehearsal, and I know some of you probably would rather stay home and rest, but from 10am until 4pm, I will be there ready to help with whatever you need most - vocal, dancing, etc. And as for any potential alumni in the area, we’d love for you to come help with Booty Camp if you don’t mind sweating it out with the rest of us. 

[afunnyberry]

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

I’ll take you up on that. I feel like I should since I missed out on the gym last week. Plus, I might not be a professional, but I know ND is seriously lacking in body rolls since I graduated. That needs to changed.

[and-dont-ever-look-back-blog]

I’m done packing.

For like, the rest of my life at this point. From Lima to New York to Westerville to Lima to New York, if I see another roll of packing tape and a stack of boxes just ready to fold, the likelihood of a mental breakdown is a solid 98%. Despite how a new phobia (or nightmare, or both) has been unlocked… My legacy lives on. Sams taking over my apartment and the bro cave lives on. and I’m heading back to New York this Wednesday with the love of my life for some hardcore apartment hunting. I know more likely than not it’s going to be comparable to finding a needle in the haystack, but we’re up to the challenge. In all the chaos I’m going to have to put some time aside to go see Francis, hopefully she’s doing well and can forgive me for dropping off the face of the planet while she tends to New York’s pigeon population entirely by herself… Maybe I can butter her up with some canary seed and split peas. Here’s to hoping, guys. 

[radioactiveasteroidevans]

I’m super glad I already had some stuff packed from my trip with Sebastian. I had a lot of help from Carole though so all I really need to worry about it unpacking. The blam cave lives on, dude. I’m sure you guys will find something great though, don’t worry. And I’m also sure Francis will forgive you, if only so she can talk to someone again that has the same weird bird obsession.